December 6, 2014 at 11:00pm
The “Normalization” of KNews
Guysnooze has done it again! Our recording devices over at rival KNews have paid handsome dividends! The following transcript has not been edited and may contain profanities and cause profound thought…maybe not…
Bossman: Uncle Adam! Call yuh reporters and other editors for an urgent meeting, and set it up so dat Gidharie in Berbice when we have this conference, I ent want nothing leaking out and he like a stan’ pipe in Albouyston.
Later that day…..
Bossman: thank you all for coming (whispers to Adam)..”wha’ the one Gidharie doing here?”
Uncle Adam: ow, Boss, we is one family we have to forgive and forget…
Bossman: arite, well lemme introduce Mr. Whitey, he is from the Press Institute for Standards and Sanctions , The PISS, we have been reported for lack of journalistic integrity and all around sensationalism, Mr. Whitey is here to conduct a workshop to make us World compliant and certified.
Uncle Adam: Bossman, yuh know we does exaggerate a bit , but this is the worst assault on our freedom of the press and writing since the Burning of zee books by the Nazis at Watburg! Perposterous!
MR. W. You see what you did there Sir?, can I call you Adam, good, this is a good example of what we need to fix and I respectfully submit that we get down to the business of getting your rag uhm, newspaper certified asap.
U.Adam: arite, I guess we have no choice…
Mr. W: Let us examine the following story , page 3 “ Social activist Crummy Wing was asked to visit the Brickdam Police Station and explain his use of the toilet facilities at the Attorney general’s Chambers”
Uncle A: It is true, every word of it, I stand by my journalists and their integrity!
Mr. W: Yes, no doubt, BUT… look at the Headline “Activist arrested for planting Dirty Bomb in AG’s Office” and columnist “Peeper” suggests “ The turd was of such girth and magnitude, that it could be termed a weapon of Ass destruction and must have come from the biggest asshole in the world”… and not to be outdone Freddy asserted “ the miasmic pile deposited by Crummy, was in direct proportion to that being heaped on our collective heads in this, the worst nation in the world!” …. As you can see an offal amount of coverage of given to a bowel movement.
Uncle Adam: well we might have gotten carried away, but this is just something that happens once in a while…surely other newspapers make the same kind of hype on slow news days?
Mr.W: from time to time we do see this kind of thing in the National Enquirer or Tattler but let’s examine another story, shall we…. FIFA normalization committee meets with Minister and then you state "The other member, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, was conspicuously absent." Look, he is right there in the right hand corner of the picture that you carried! Yes, the one that looks like an escaped capuchin, you mis-identified someone as ‘Dr. Pilgrim” who in fact was absent!
Uncle A: ah, yes, we made some errors there and we are yet to identify the woman impersonating Dr. Pilgrim.
Mr. W: Good grief, how did you come to the conclusion the woman was impersonating anyone?
Uncle Adam: (long silence)…. It seems you are saying that “facts” are important…
Mr. W : Precisely!
Uncle A: Boys, run up a headline deh, “Facts assume new importance in Guyana”, that is a newsworthy item.
Mr. W: let’s not get carried away, and I suspect sarcastic............we have one more to look at…. ‘Amerindian teacher allegedly assaulted by Presidential Guards” .. fine story, BUT again the headline “ Assaulted Amerindian Xrated Today” I am assuming he was taken for X-rays, And not signed to star in Porn Movies? Don’t answer that! Before you go defending your article, take a look at the example of fine journalism that I have put on your desk, it examines the same incident, but unlike your tripe, this one deserves an Academy award, it is by rival new outlet Guysnooze News.
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Guysnooze News interview with Amerindian Man.
GSZ: good day, can you tell us your name for the record
A.M: What record, are you Gidharie?
GSZ: no, you misunderstand, we are not recording you, we just want to talk
A.M: Okay, I am Okay
GSZ: Okay, can you tell us what transpired; we gather that you were a bit high on Piwari on the day of the incident.
A.M (OKay?): because an Amerindian is high, he is drinking Piwari? That is racist! , I could have been high on Eldorado or PalLin Stave just as well.
GSZ: Okay, I apologize, so what were you high on?
A.M : Piwari, what else!
GSZ: (grinds teeth) you claimed that yuh get boxed by a presidential guard, please describe the incident for our readers.
A.M: (looks around) where are they?
GSZ: ah, you describe the incident and I will write it and share with our readers.
A.M: Okay I am not stupid,… the day began well, before the visit the toshao called a meeting and asked what we wanted in the village because the President would be visiting and would grant a few gifts.
GSZ: did you ask for anything?
A.M: I asked for Johnson
GSZ: but this is a landlocked community, why would you want an outboard motor?
A.M: not that Johnson, jackass, I want Julia Johnson, since she put a picture of herself on facebook looking like somebody rumple she up, I have problems with my thoughts and cannot sleep some nights.
GSZ: can you describe the problem?
Okay: it is very Hard ….... to describe, that wet hair, that sensuous face …
GSZ: uhm…(Awkward Silence)......... so after the meeting with the toshao, what happened next?
A.M: I had a meeting with the local chapter of the RUM party, and we exchanged ideas.
GSZ: then it was onto the presidential visit?
A.M: yes, the President was talking and mosquitoes were biting and I was worried he may have brought Chicken-gunya from Georgetown, so I yelled out” where Chatree?” because he is the minister of health.
GSZ: Bheri is Minister of Health, Nandlall is legal affairs…
A.M : I don’t care, so I shouted, I want Johnson, and then the guards told me to shut up, I said , why should I shut up, you shut up, and then they run me, I run to my neighbors house and shouted , help neighba, neighba, but no one helped, so they caught me and boxed my ears.
GSZ: do you know the name of the officer who slapped you?
A.M: yes, it was constable Brown, they call him Boy Blue, he box up my ears till I get black and blue.
GSZ: I understand you are a teacher, what do you teach?
A.M : Karate and Judo.
GSZ: well thank you for your time, Okay, and we will pass on your compliments to Julia Johnson for you.
A.M: you don’t talk to her, she is too good for you!
GSZ: this really is the Month of the RUM party in Guyana.
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* No Reporters were harmed during the writing of this article
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