Back to Basics
Back
to Basics
The
Guysnooze bureau has noticed that Guyanese seem to have lost a grasp of the
basics, we no longer seem to accurately describe Measurements (12-45 foot
whale) and Time (30 mins-150 minutes Police response time), so we decided to do
some investigative journalism to gauge the true understanding of the time space
continuum in Guyana.
To
understand the Bandits-Police-911 nexus we embed in (or is it embelish?) a home
invasion robbery in a far off village on the West Coast of Demerara.
Wife:
wake up! Harry, somebody breaking in the house.
Harry:
I wake, turn off the Home Alone is duh got yuh jumpy…every dam Christmas..ncn
ent gun done till I deadid.
Wife;
No Harry…..(BADDAM!!! FRONT DOOR IS KICKED IN)
Harry:
well it looks like I have seen my last “Home Alone”, quick call 911 an’ gimme
the phone
Wife
dials 911 and quickly hands the phone to the husband…ring..ring..ring
Bandits
breach the bedroom door
Bandit
1: hands up! Eh eh! Is who you callin’?
Harry:
the police !, they will be here shortly!
Bandit
2: gimme the phone! (snatches it from Harry and puts it to ear…ring…ring…ring)
hahahah, look tek back the phone, but don’t get off the bed,
both of you stay there and
everything will be arite!
Bandit1:
whe’ the money deh, we know yuh collect from yuh fariegn uncle in dem an’ yuh
ent shop yet
Wife:
Harry, you collect an’ in tell me nuttin? Is wha’ really going on?
Harry:
I was going to surprise you tomorrow, baby.
Wife:
eh heh! Look he does keep the money undah dem dutty clothes in the basket deh,
don’t bother with the small piece he lock up in the top drawer…. Surprise mih
rass…
Harry:
shh, girl, don’t talk too much they might be rapists (looking hopefully at the
bandits)
Bandit1:
doan worry lady, is nah Bill Cosby robbing yuh, we hey fuh da cheese, nah dee
pu-pudding paps. Hahahha
Harry:
shhh, the police jus’ answer
911:
yeah, wha yuh want?
Harry:
I am being robbed, two armed bandits ransacking mih house, threating to rape
mih wife, come quick
911:
ok sor, where do you reside?
Harry:
three blocks from the station, then turn right by the breadfruit tree and come
down to the back
911:
and where are you being robbed?
Harry:
In mih bedroom an’ wha it matter wat I wearing?
Bandit1:
like he wake up Lolo Lips deh
Bandit2:
leh he try deh, …lady yuh got anything fuh eat? Lil ham fuh the bai dem?
Wife:
in the fridge , help yuhself…
911;
wait…the bandits still in the house? Leh mih talk to them deh
Harry:
gives phone to bandit, she wan’ talk to you….
Bandit1:
what you want?
911:
I wan’ know how you sound jus’ like we Sergeant , you ent jus’ been here?
Bandit1:
wrang number!, (clicks the phone off) leh we roll out…
15
minutes later Police van arrives and policemen deploy with precision; guns and
torchlight all ova the place.
Sergeant:
Mr. Harry how many bandits were there and can you describe them?
Harry:
was two ah dem, one ‘bout you height an’ build and the other like the Corporal
ova deh, but they were wearing masks.
Sergeant:
wha’ bout fingerprints an’ ting?
Harry:
well one ah dem was hungry an’he dash a bite in the ham…
Sergeant:
Confiscate the ham for evidence
Harry;
yuh cayn jus cut out the piece wid the bite?
Sergeant:
nah, it look like it taste good, how long the bandits been here
Harry:
3 hours
Wife:
Ten minutes
Sergeant:
how long they lef’?
Harry:
two seconds ago...
Wife:
ten minutes
Sergeant:
ok, I think I have all I need, Corporal, tex care wid the ham….. Mr Harry. fix
this door , we going to look fuh dem, an’ try buy some nice nightie fuh yuh
wife, dem jukebox thing duh ent cutting it…
*Guysnooze
conclusion is that time is relative and based on personal perception not
clocks.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Guysnooze
was quickly able to ascertain the problems Guyanese were having with units of
measurement, it happened after today’s rainfall, one woman explained it to us
succinctly.
Woman:
well the weather people say that three inches of rain fall, well leh me tell
you, after them 3 inch, I was up to mih knee in water, then is when I realize
mih husband and mih sweet man been lying to me all these years, dem talking
‘bout god bless dem with eight inches and dem ting cayn reach they own knee,
much less me own, is the man dem with they lying boastfulness got the measuring
confused.
Our
male reporter beat a hasty retreat in the face of impenetrable logic.
*Guysnooze
conclusion is that measurement is a state of mind not based on actual units of
measurement.
