CV Bandits

CV Bandits

99 bandits jumping over the wall

If popo shoot one and he happen to fall

98 bandits still jumping that wall

If you shoot one and he happen to fall

97 Bandits still having a ball

Our editor was humming the new Christmas hit tune as he walked through the newsroom, the staff eyed him warily, how could a man be humming about the crime rate? And just after the budget from hell? The only defense offered for the draconian budget was “…but did you die?” and the man humming… “end of days” mutterer the fat reporter… “it shall come to pass that the wise shall lose their minds” , “cheer up staff” bellowed the ebullient editor, this year’s staff party is going to be the best, we not holding one, we too brucks but we get invite to cover GOGA’s after all that good publicity we gave them, so the plan is to eat and drink like is we own party, just like they pretending that the Oil Exxon find is dem own, is turkey and ham tomorrow night! Likker like water, but before we go sport, we got to do some work, Jaggy send Presi a list of nominees for Chair of GECON, now Presi asking for CV an’ ting, and remember the person we say would get pick in September? The one who say he not interested? Well we bai starring pon the list! …so leh we crack open the googles and get the real CV’s of these people, I ent want hear how much book they write or pencil they sell, our readers want the nitty gritty, what makes them tick, who really got a chance to get dis wuk, who jus’ filling up space…wuk up and then we can go drink we poison.

One hour later the reporters dumped the following on the Editor’s desk:

Rumesh Do Koo: No chance, probable filler, might as well have been Captain Jerry.

Ms. Rihanna Show: No Chance, Her interpretation that One people means one set of People, not all the people is a clear disqualifier. Might as well be Ravi Dave.

The Lawyer Guy: if wishes were horses… Lawrence would ride an Arabian.

Kris Rum: Formerly known as Captain Sours, a Fair and Unbalanced individual, an obvious no-no.

Prof. Carnation: Presi is a Historian, doubt he want competition.Fair and Balanced individual, an obvious no-no.

(RTD)General Norman Dayclean: jump high, jump low, but don’t deny the obvious ,ah mean, we tell yuh dis laang now.

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So while the public gamesmanship plays out, we suggest our readers enjoy the tunes of the season.

10. 99 bandits jumping the wall –-- Constable Brown aka Boy Blue

9. Easy lesson good fuh dunce---- the Scholarly Ministers

8. Whorehouse VAT (you doan pay no toll, you doan get to pole)---  The Dangles Crew

7. Simply the Blessed (My Pope) - 9 Inch Nailed

6. Patto, who’s paying for the baby? – Homestretch Inc.

5. I lost my ‘iSM’ in Sophia– Jaggy & the New Day

4. Big Boy, Big Ride- Basil and the Land Cruisers

3. Baby, please answer, I need you – 911

2. Love in the dark---- Get Plenty  Larr (GPL)

1. Liming Toll –  Mall rats

*To regular folks, eat drink and be merry, to my transgender readers, eat, drink and be Mary!

Merry/Mary Christmas!

Don't blame the Sailor

Don’t blame the Sailor

We at Guysnooze have been puzzled for moths as to why the President has had such a differing perception of Crime, its prevalence and effect on the Guyanese populace, due to diligent investigation and more than a touch of ingenuity, we have been able to obtain Top Secret reports on Crime received by the President, after reading these we were finally able to understand His Excellency’s position of “Crime? …What crime?”, we have presented a few excerpts for your edification.

Top COP Report

Top Drawer/ Eyes Only

Report on Incident at Hand In Pocket

There was an incident involving rival gangs that culminated in the wounding of a member of the Security gang in middle street.

It appears that a gang of robbers (The bandits) entered the establishment of another gang (Insurance Schemers) and demanded money, the IS representative then engaged the Bandits in conversation, the IS guy asked the B’s if they knew that the average life span of their members was 27 years , while those of IS was 83, the IS man then reasoned that the B’s would be better off with purchasing of “life insurance” and/or “fire insurance” to provide for loved ones when they meet their expected death in the line of work or if disgruntled rivals were to set fire to their abodes, this suggestion was met with mixed reactions by the three Banditos, one of whom was set against the idea, as he said “ is a scheme, is nice when they collecting yuh money , is another scene when yuh dead, ah mean it gon tek 20 years fuh dem to agree to pay anything if at all” …another of the bandits was also against fire insurance “dat is jail, when yuh house bun and yuh gat insurance, police does lock yuh up fuh arson, if yuh ent gat, yuh in gool, and dem always got excuse not to pay, yuh insure for 100 million, mekking payment all the time, but when it bun, if..if they pay, is 10 million dem saying yuh ting worth, if dem did know that, why dem was collecting fat all the time? Eh?”… The third bandit meanwhile purchased a hefty life insurance policy after borrowing money from the first two to pay the premium, ‘ look fools, we gon pay an’ den we gon rob dem…duh”… this plan was put in motion only to be foiled when the member of the security gang bravely intervened and the shooting started.

The police arrived and cordoned the area in search of the bandits, meanwhile one of the bandits turned himself in and lodged a complaint against the Insurance schemers, “not only dey tek my money, they tell the guard doan shoot to kill, look, I got wife and chirren, not to mention others to look after, If I did get kill, dem was drawing down massive!” ….he accused the IS of discrimination and fraud, the Bandit was soon joined by his accomplices as they too lodged complaints. The matter will be sorted out and a full report delivered soon.

COP

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Report from Minister of Sexual Protection

PopeStar Investigation

Top Secret

Dear Excellency,

After numerous viewings of the Popetape, from all angles, on my back, belly, sideways, doggy style , I am able to say that the Popestar uses no sexual protection, There have been questions from the media about if anyone was brainwashed, at this point we can say no, there was some heads, nuff fuck and one entertaining bugga, but no brainswash, our ministry has requested anyone with additional recordings of the Popestar to submit same for review.

Some of the evidence suggests that further investigation is warranted and I have decided to launch a personal investigation so as to get a first hand feel for the case, I will be meeting the Popestar at the scene of his alleged crimes, if hard evidence arises, I will do my best to cope with it and report further.

Minister

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Minister Rumjaguar

Top Secret

Re: Police Bulletin issued for ‘Mastermind”

Sir, dese police real fuckin’ stupit, no wonder I getting bad name, is nah me fault police exam easy and nobady ever fail… look how they using...or ah should say abusing English, dem looking for a ‘mastermind’ when is obvious dem should be looking for a “dumbass”

I feel ya’ll set me up wid dis wuk, why I can’t get a easy ministry like Social Cohesion? Where dem ent got nutten fuh do and all day fuh do it.

Minister

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

*In an unrelated news expose, the knews is reporting that the ministry of sexual protection has put out a tender for D cell batteries.

The ‘enry ‘iggins Guide to Massa

The ‘enry ‘iggins Guide to Massa

This guide is written for my fellow Guyanese born after 26^th May 1966, You and I know no ‘Massa day’ , we were born into a country free from the oppressive colonial yoke, the only oppression we have known is from our own dear countrymen, our ignorance of Massa is usually a bliss, however one of the lesser Massas’ is on a tour of Gam-Gam’s previous possessions in the New World and it behooves us to sharpen up our etiquette in preparation for His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales.

General Information

If you cannot pronounce your H’s , stay in the back, no mouthing up Prince ‘arry or ‘enry.

The present girlfriend is Miss Markle an American actress, NOT Miss Merkel the leader of the fourth Reich or Miss Marple, a beloved old biddy of Agatha Christe’s invention.

The whole James Hewitt is your daddy thing has supposedly been covered-up disproved, but still avoid any mention of his striking resemblance to same.

Learn to Bow and Scrape. (Hint: think Lawyer in court) Your worship dis and dat.

Poorer citizens are asked to wear the dan-dan or stay indoors and not “poor up the place and spoil massas’ view”

Bandits beware that your benefactor in office will not be kindly disposed to any act that causes his “crime?,what crime?” stance to be questioned during the visit.

News Outlets –Please see above.

For Government Officials

Most of you are old like dirt so no formal training is needed, however a reminder that:

The prince is not here to go to “Rio”…. Basil….

Try to remember that YOUR national Anthem goes “dear land…” and not “God save…”

Arthritis is no excuse for not curtsying.

The prince does not want to hear about “when you were his age”.

For all you Brigadiers, Generals, Boat-less Admirals, this man went to an actual war, it may be more interesting to discuss the history of Crimplene used to make those black suits than the ‘medals’ hung on them.

For Members of the Cocktail Circuit

Smile and nod, ask no question, if asked anything by His Highness, it is acceptable to lie.

For example: “what do you do?”

PROFESSION (Unacceptable)	What you say you do (Acceptable)
Hustler	Contractor, Businessman, Govt. Minister
Cult Leader	Pope/ Fudge Packer/
Drug Dealer	Pharmaceuticals , Import/Export
Coconut Farmer	Heavily invested in future Oil
Skin-cock	Serve in the armed forces
Shopkeeper	Shopkeeper
Insurance Schemer Salesman	Dealing in Futures
Craftsman	Manufacturing
Manufacturing	Captain of Industry
Spout meaningless drivel	Prime Minister
Sailor	President

If asked by The Gingerbread man “How do you do?”

How you are doing (Unacceptable)	What to say (Acceptable)
Things Brown	Coping with the global economic crisis
Broken to thief	Looking closely for investment opportunities
Money Big	Enjoying the perks of public service
Pensionaire (Million plus a month pension)	Living off the taxpayer, like you, haw haw…
More money than God	Things Brown….

For Working Citizens 

The following should be your mantra:

Look busy, Massa is coming.

For Dangles

Beena’s has a new selection of whore heels that would look good on the prince’s shoulder, you know what to do…go Dangle, after all, you are our most precious resource, forget Miss Markle, introduce his highness to Miss Turkle. 

*Looking forward to Freddy vs The Prince in Knews.

Nagamania!

Nagamania!

We have a live one boys! Shouted the editor, somebody call one of dem murderous Cuban trained doctors and fine out what the hell is ‘nagamania’ ‘anti-nagamania’ and what are the treatments, leh we find out who is suffering from dis ting, if is an epidemic or just endemic to the Previously Powerful People Complaining (PPP/C), ya’ll gat an hour to mek yuh report , suh mek case…

One hour later…

Fat Reporter: Sor, me doctor fren say we can only use her information if we included the phrase ‘fuck freddy skunthole’ somewhere in the story…we could do dat? …please, it would make me happier than a free pinetart and cheeseroll combined!

Editor: well, ah waz going to do that anyways, but to please your friend I can add Freddy is the biggest skunthole since Hitler …see if she like dat!

Fat Reporter: right then, dis is what she said, mania suggest that there is an excessive enthusiasm or desire; an obsession with the subject, she reports that for the subject in this case ‘naga’ no scientific evidence exists that a critical mass of any of those emotions are present in the general population, his better half has indicated that “Sam shop shut” where desire is concerned and the only person who has demonstrated any symptom of mania is Comrade Eggball, whom our doctor noted may be a false positive caused by ‘brown-nosing’

Ed: brown-nosing …that is...?

Fat Reporter: dat sor, is when you kiss-ass so deeply that the tip of your nose becomes brown with (interrupted)

Ed: oh… I thought it was when your head is so far up your own arse… well, we could write a note on that For Your Information, so no evidence of ‘nagamania’?

Fat Reporter: well, my doc ..and she does have ‘killer’ looks and body, says that it only exists if ‘mania’ were interpreted as mental illness marked by periods of great excitement, euphoria, delusions, and over-activity, and in that case the subject ‘naga’ would be the one suffering from the malady.

Ed: well, if ‘nagamania’ does not exist how can ‘anti-nagamania’ be explained , ah mean it’s obvious dat  people always ‘don’t-ing’ the man….

Girl Reporter: I believe it might be a case of ‘anti-nameekarmism’ that has been mis-diagnosed by the recipient due to a delusion of grandeur he may be afflicted with sir.

Ed: Brilliant diagnosis, you spen’ time in Cuba or wha’?, yall would do well to follow the example of dis girl, think for yourselves, killer diagnosis, I think we good to go, now whomever writing dis up, remember to mention dat skunthole Freddy could go fuck he stupid skuntholeish self!

*Freddy’s ignorant utterances vis a vis Cuban trained Doctors has led to him replacing GPL as our bête noir.

Domestic Threats!

Domestic Threats!

The Guysnooze reporters sat in the boardroom in sullen silence, after all it was after midnight on a Friday night, this is the last place they wanted to be, “likker flowing like water outside and we deh coop up in hay wid no cutters, I feel fuh lef dis wuk” grumbled the fat reporter, just then the Editor stormed in “ how the hell a domestic threat to national security is announced and I ent get a whisper from none of you” he shouted, banging his fist on the table, “ I want to know, the public wants to know, what exactly should we be afraid of?” …. He looked around… “ well sor, you should be afraid that people will find out a brite banna like you ending sentences with prepositions” cracked the skinny jeans reporter…. “calm down, I know the whole story already” “me too chief” chimed in the new girl… “I was going to give you the scoop tomorrow sir, I was still extracting details from my informant when you called us to come back to the office” said the fat man…. “ well, I am pleased to see you guys are on the ball, but just to be sure we will go over the stories and  co-ordinate the information, for the sake of clarity” said the editor with a beaming smile, you girl, lemme hear what you know.

“Well, is like dis, I hear dat a gang of men plan fuh steal the KFC recipe, they say if they learn the correct mix of 11 herbs and spices they could become the most powerful men in Guyana”… “even if I believe dis nancy story, how would the KFC recipe nake dem powerful and a threat to domestic security?” asked the editor skeptically… “ well, they say that who controls the KFC recipe controls our most precious resource, Dangles, the source of 90% of western union transactions, the reason mo’ people ent drink Indian tonic or buy lil rope from the hardware… you see the line in KFC since it open back, dem Dangles does get Kinky For Chicken ” .. ‘hmm, I see your point, what’s the source of information?”…. “sor, mih sweetman tell mih sister who tell me”…. “so, why the sweetman ent tell you?” asked the puzzled editor… “was she turn lass nite, and mih husband does come home early pon weeknights so….” …”seems to me ‘sweetman might be more of a domestic threat than controlling Dangles wid KFC, everybody hear dis same story?”

“No bass, meeno bout dis girl domestic situation though I suspek she does beat she husban’, I hear is all these stage robberies, the main suspecks is dese Link show actors and reactors who dressing up like police fuh crack stale joke, dem does tek too long fuh land the plane, dey could learn a thing or two from Scullyburger…” said the skinny jeans reporter.

“look dis is no time for jokes” said the fat reporter “I know the whole story, but I been drinking with my sources at Roopa’s so, I lil tipsy, dis is wha’ I hear, is a group of old politicians who are meeting and plotting to rob the country blind, dese men plan fuh thief, Oil money, Sugar land, rice , gold ...man I hear they plan fuh thief the dirt from under fingernail if yuh lapse and dese is serious men, when they meet is plenty new black cyar wid tint so dark dat yuh cyan see inside, plenty bodyguard an ting”… “now this sound more like a threat” …shouted the editor excitedly… “wha’ mo yuh know?” … “ I hear dey been planning dis thing long, is A Plan Now Unfolding, they meeting at the army base every week now fuh security reasons” … “ army camp? …you stupid skunt , dat is the cabinet yuh talking ‘bout, how they gon plot to thief…oh, wait… oh skunt!...look, meeting adjourned, yall could go home now, we gon publish the story ‘bout the dangers of Dangles and Sweetman to Domestic Life and the use of Martial law to ensure Marital bliss” …and with dat, the Editor avoided all the eyes in the room and headed home early.

·         *Consider that Policmen now tell women the only way to avoid a traffic ticket is to give up their cell phone numbers, seems like the GPF want to become the Sweetman of choice.

Dump the Trump! Remigrate Now!

Dump the Trump! Remigrate Now!

So you are not happy with the election result in the USA, yuh vex yuh green card doan have voting rights, what’s with dat rite? , you come from a glorious country where some of you could vote thousands of times in the same election, where being dead was no obstacle to voting…how did you go from that to the basement in Queens? We at Guysnooze are joining our President and leader of The All People Now Unarmed + Armed Fucking Criminals (APNU+AFC) in saying loudly “Fuck Trump, the time to come home is now!” …to encourage you we offer these ten reason to Dump the Trump.

Top Ten Reasons to Dump Trump and Remigrate Now!

10. Dangles ( spend real time with the one yuh bin mining)

9. No Second Amendment bullshit! Only Police , GDf and Thiefman got right to carry Guns.

8. You like a one party system and Guyana on the way to dat! , Cabinet in Ayangana and Bastard Skunthole running tings in the Hizzy. Your party will always win. Vote as many times as you like.

7. Duty free concessions for returning basement dwellers as opposed to those who live, work and pay taxes hay skunt!

6. We got Coconut Oil. Volunteers to test Coconut Oil’s suitability as a sex lube wanted. Volunteers must be anal retentive.

5. Plantin Chip industry opportunities abound!

4. We got our own Fucking Pope!... oh yes we do… for a few tins of milk, you too can suck the papal cock and call him daddy!  

3. Jobs for the boys available in new Government Department of Shit, more than just a ‘Charmin’ idea, our new reality.

2. The Green Guava Economy, our bandits have robbed everyone and are now recycling victims. #alesirice

1. Bandits need fresh meat, Latest robbery of we fren Lil Ram shows things brown, ah mean, really? who still got a PS4? 

Holy Buckta Batman!

Holy Buckta Batman!

Scene: Commissioner Gordon’s Office, Gotham City, 11 PM

Commissioner Gordon: Batman, I did not turn on the bat-light, why are you here?

Batman: Commissioner, I have received a distress call from my former side-kick Robin, he is in Guyana and he says the country needs Batman ….

CG: Robin is in Africa? That guy gets around…

Batman: It’s in South America according to my Bat-map… anyways, I don’t expect to be gone for too long, probably just regular criminals, hardly expect to find super-villains in GT..that’s what they call the capital Georgetown, Robin says its full of crooked skunts, no idea what the word means, must be the spanishy lingo they speak down there, anyways …Adios Amigo, I go… (jumps out of window)

………………………………………………………………………………..

Scene: Cheddi Jagan International airport

Immigration Officer: what’s your reason for visiting Guyana sor?

Batman: I am here to look at investment in possible business ventures

IO: well dis is suspicious sor, you are not Chinese… (calls over to another IO) hey Lennox , dis man say he is an investor but he ent name Ling or lang…wha fuh do?

Lennox: (Comes over) sor, where are you staying in Guyana?

Batman: I have rented a mansion on the outskirts of Georgetown , well it must be a mansion based on the rent paid by my agent Dr. Nutten… millions, millions per month…

Lennox:  lot 32B Sussex Street, hmm, is a Nutten special… (stamps the passport) have a good stay sucker  ah mean sor …

……………………………………………………………………………

Scene: Commissioner Rumnowine’s office, GT

Batman swings into the window on his trusty bat-rope, grabs the person rifling through the Commissioner’s desk

Batman: I have you villain! , five minutes on the job and I caught a skunt! I really am Batman…

Villain: who the hell are you? I am Commissioner Rumnowine! Unhand me!

Batman: oh…oh… sorry where I come from the Villains wear makeup, like the Joker and the Scarecrow…let me introduce myself, I am Batman!

Com R: Well ..this is not Sasod office, so tek yuh buckta and beat out before I have you arrested!

Batman: but I am Batman, the world’s greatest crime fighting vigilante, here to help you reduce your crime rate.

Com R: what crime? We already worked out how to reduce the rate, we don’t answer the phone and we lose every third station diary, crime is down 21% … look, I have heard of you, especially after Superman beat up yuh rass in that last movie, what were you thinking? You can’t help us, for example, you are committing a crime by not having a work permit, did you apply for one? I know you did not or Minister Rolex would have told me… instead of jumping through my window, go jump through his, good day sir!

………………………………………………………………………..

Scene: Ministry of birth paper.

Batman enters through the front door and politely asks to see the Minister of Citizens.

Front Desk Girl: ahm, batman? Dh is yuh name, sor yuh cyan come in here with yuh buckta showing, see the sign there…yes, no sleevless, no slipper, no buckta showing…please go put some pants on and come back

Batman leaves and returns five mins later with pants 

Batman: can I see the Minister now?

FDG: wait, yuh went out and come back wid yuh two long han’…stueeps…take a seat sor, take plenty seats…

2 hours later Batman approaches the front desk again

Batman: can you say when the minister will see me?

FDR: I don’t know, can you tell me when I will see some chocolate or perfume on my desk?...sor, please sit down and wait…

3 hours later the office closes and Batman is ushered outside and told to come back tomorrow…

Early the next day, Batman arrives with a large bar of chocolate and channel no5 perfume.

Batman: sorry I did not know the local customs, I brought a gift for you, can I see the Minister today?

FDG: (tucks away the presents) I am sorry sor, the minister is out of the country since Monday , he will be back next month in time for the cabinet meeting, thanks for the progs babes, yuh could come back then… tek mih number nah…wait…he gone?

………………………………………………………………

 Scene: Commissioner Gordon’s Office, Gotham City, 11 PM (one week later)

CG: Batman! You are back, I guess the petty crime in Ghana was easy to clear up, no super villains like we have in Gotham eh?

Batman: Commissioner you have it all wrong, Batman has been defeated in Guyana, let me tell you, we live in a crime free city by comparison, our super villains are tame pets compared to the animals I encountered there, oh the humanity! (Batman breaks into bat-tears)

CG: Wow! Batman defeated…did you run into Ra’s Al Ghul?

Batman: worse, lemme tell you about it, I met their commissioner , who wears make-up like the Joker, he said I needed a work permit to operate, I went to the ministry for that, they pushed me around for a few days and sent me to MoP, at MoP I was told that MoP is now at the mess, well the mess is at the army camp and the only way I could get in there was to use my gadgets, I got back to my Sussex street ‘mansion’ ..total chaos, the metal door pried off the hinges, everything gone, bat belt, bat-phone, bat-suit, man even my special bullet-proof bat bucktas, place empty… when I called the police, they asked for my tin number and if I had filed my tax returns… and this was just the start, there are super-villains everywhere, I was hungry and bought three loaves of bread only to be arrested for ‘vending’ two minutes later, apparently possession of more than one loaf of bread is an offence, especially if you have a hunk of cheese in the other hand, the Town Clown had me locked up until Robin came and bailed me out, while in the lock-ups, someone stole my bat-watch, then Robin arranged for me to meet Rumjaguar, the Minister in charge of crime, turns out he has super powers, he can watch two places at one time, I solved the puzzle of why he can’t get a simple Diwali date right, the man watching two dates at the same time, it must be confusing as hell, oddly enough he has a twin , Minister of road and bridge, I highly doubt any bridge he builds will meet in the middle…. 

Then came the parade of Super Villains, the Nameekaram and his side-chick Eggball Can, they look harmless enough, but they spin a meaner web than Spider-man, talk about tying up a town with thread, I was convinced that there was no crime problem to fix after half an hour with these two blasted liars, my mental faculties were tested to the limits to escape their Lotus eating lair… then I ran into a group of ex-army men, the Old Farts brigade, you ever smell old people poops…gawd, it was awful, ten of them at one time, Poison Ivy is perfume by comparison, after a few minutes with them I welcomed the possibility of death…but I am Batman, I survived by jumping out of a window..but bradapps, I got out of there into the hands of the Coconut Man, at first I thought, what a cool guy, he gave me coconut water, ah, so refreshing, then he started a litany of uses for coconut oil, hair,skin, baby batty, then he mentioned my batty… and how the oil would make things easier…well that was too much, ka-pow , straight to the jaw and I ran out of there like a bat out of hell… I attempted to shelter in the law courts but I was challenged to a battle of wits by the general attorney, I refused to duel as he was unarmed, I was also worried about his powers, rumor has it that he is impervious to knowledge and cannot be harmed by facts…

CG: oh Batman, what an ordeal…

Batman: Comissioner Gordon that is not the end, I then found out what a ‘skunt’ was, oh I wish I had never learnt that lesson, there was Freddy, King of the scunts, he called me Hitler, me!...Says only Hitler would be a vigilante in this post modern Guyana, Then I met one called Uncle Raff, he’s into producing a musical based on Oil & Gas, plenty song and dance, no action, what a skunt!, but had it ended there I would have battled through, but the multitude of skunts kept attacking, ones who kept asking if I could hook them up a job at Gecon, because it look like it easy to thief deh, then came the parking meter ads, talk about skunt, I was captured and forced to watch those ads for days, then the newspapers start reporting about my activities, “Batman finds new use for coconut oil” … “Hole spotted in Batman’s Buckta”…. “Batman’s secret meeting with mop at mess” …. After that I knew I could never defeat the skunts, they are too powerful for me, Commissioner, I am going to be checking myself into Arkham Asylum for a few days of sanity after that trauma.

For sale: One ‘B” off of Batman belly.

The Butterfly Effect

The Butterfly Effect

As anarchy stalks the land

It is a good time

To educate

Of Chaos Theory

Practical outcomes

The cause and effect

Of a flapping gum

All talk

No action

Has severe repercussion

One less job

One less vote

One car towed

One less vote

One man robbed

One less vote

Nuff blackout

Nuff less vote

Talk about Oil

Can’t save your seat

In the place where

M Pee’s meet

Solving problems

You helped create

Does not make you great

One less job

One less vote

One car towed

One less vote

One man robbed

One less vote

Nuff blackout

Nuff less vote

This is your chance

Do some good

For us all

Or next election

Have a humpty fall

No king or horse

Will put you in power again

Stop globetrotting

And earn your keep

Or come twenty-twenty

Sit outside the hall

And silently weep

For lofty goals

Left untouched

Of promises unmet

As Butterfly’s wings

Take effect

One less job

One less vote

One car towed

One less vote

One man robbed

One less vote

Nuff blackout

Nuff less vote

Time is a thief

But it is not too late

Order or Chaos

Be the master

Wave your wand

Beautiful things create

Fly Butterfly 

Flap those wings 

Moon-base Alpha or What it means to be ‘Guyanese’

Moon-base Alpha or What it means to be ‘Guyanese’

There is an age old question in Guyana, who are we as a people? What is unique to us? That quintessential thing that makes us ‘Guyanese’, this question has confounded our brightest sparks..until now, we at Guysnooze have cracked the code, we present to you as only we can, the answer to the question asked of every proud Guyanese citizen, “Who are you?”

The politically correct answer is we are a people with a self-perception problem, hence the historical difficulty in answering the question, for the lay person, let’s just say we are delusional as fuck!

We would never venture to answer a question without providing evidence to back our claims, which demonstrates that we at Guysnooze are also delusional and very Guyanese in our approach. QED or is it…read on…

We begin with us, The People, essentially we are a poor man’s version of 70’s rock band ‘The Who’, we get by singing two massive hits, before elections we sing “Who are you?’ to people we know very well and within months of electing them we scream out ‘Won’t get fooled again!’ to people who we know will fool us again. Delusional much? , I think we are, but let’s dig deeper….

Take the recent formation of Gang Of Greedy Assholes (GOGA), the self appointed wheeler dealers of the Gas & Oil ‘industry’ of Guyana, or so they see themselves, the reality is that these Snake oil salesman are more likely to deal in Coconut Oil than any petroleum product, but do they invite the Coconut growers to join the ‘association’ ?...nope… Delusional…the pattern is emerging clearly, but we dig deeper into the psych of the nation…

The Guyana Police Farce: Crime is down! … no need to explain this delusionary skunt!

The Guyana Defence Farce: Protecting our borders and making ‘war plans’ to tackle the venoes, in reality the only thing they protect is the ‘rations’ warehouse, Brigadiers without brigades. A Nine Billion dollar annual budget delusion.

Guyana Power and Light? ...........

The beauty pageants… miss young, miss old, miss new, miss big bamzie, miss fat poke, all pretending to glorify our beautiful women but which are nothing but rigged cattle shows objectifying women. Serious Delusion at work here.

Freddy … Rohee… the Ying and Yang of Delusion.

The DPI... thinks he is slick enough to sell snow to Eskimos when in fact he is another Snowball! 

Even when we are presented with opportunity to develop, we veer into the realm of delusion, case in point, our Government’s missives on an ‘onshore base’ for Exxon Ops, despite being told of a few simple requirements, the Government has put out a request for the construction of Moon-base Alpha, all the people want in a deeper harbor. Self-delusion or Political Gimmick Illusion? This one is up in the air I admit… so…

Let's look at our present Administration, the HAPNU+KFC, the guys who were going to jail the corrupt PPP, but who in fact are most likely to be jailed for corruption by the PPP. This final example of self-delusion can leave no doubt that we have discovered the very essence of our identity. Can there be doubt? QED.

FYI, MV Chronicle sunk!!

FYI, MV Chronicle sunk!! 

Urgent and breaking from the Guysnooze Newsroom!!, the MV Chronicle was sunk today , the President has ordered a Commission of Inquiry into the tragedy, retired Lt. Colonel Hugh Peydey, has been appointed and is expected to hand his report on the incident to PM Nahgahmuchfado within 3 weeks.

Early reports suggest that the vessel which underwent a complete refurbish at the dry docks following the May 11^th electoral polls, was sunk due to unauthorized overloading of Bovine waste by David’s Personal Illusionist (DPI) , the MV Chronic had recently been re-jigged from a manure fetching cargo vessel to a lighter, faster, credible carrier of actual news, the decision to drop a weekly load of Bullshit in the vessel was made without the knowledge of the Harbor master or the shipping company’s board, the rogue actions of a Desperate Personal Intervention (DPI) into the operations of the News carrying service was preceded by the departure of the Company’s Board chairman, word is she ‘smelt the rat’ and deserted the sinking vessel before it went down.

Asked for comment, the engine room chief stated “ mark my words, I often have to edit what I and others say and do for the safety and reputation of the vessel, in this case I was away from my desk, as I am currently in Africa and this load of Bullshit was extra heavy, it was soaked with lies, fallacies and innuendos, topped off with fantasy and illusions, too much man, too much, and we were doing so well, facts man, how many times do I have to say FACTS make the best cargo”  

*the DPI reports to PM, is that Prem Misir?

51 million Reasons

51 million Reasons

We at Guysnooze were astounded to see the Auditor General show a MoP expenditure of 51 Million for Music, by the way, are there Auditor Colonels? Sergeants, what’s with this General thing, is it not enough that we have Brigadiers without Brigades, cattle farmers who have no farms… anyways… we sought an explanation from the good folks at MoP and can share the interview below.

GZ: thank you for talking to us, to be honest we cannot conceive of spending 51 million on music, could you enlighten us as to how this is possible?

MoP Spokesperson: I can understand how the lay person would react to such expenditure, but I can assure you that the explanation will indeed enlighten your tiny mind, now I am sure you were thinking that ‘music’ meant either the live band of the Police or Defense force or a Sound System such as Slingerz, that certainly could not cost 51 million, no,no,no...the expenses began with the meeting of the committee to decide on the composition of the Jubilee Committee, this was three days after elections, government had not yet transitioned, so rental of a conference room expenses were incurred, and of course cheese roll, pinetart, patties, drinks, had to be procured, we may have gone a teensy bit overboard with the liquor due to the celebratory atmosphere follow our historic victory at the polls, this was before we realized how meager the salary of Ministers were, long story short, we spent two million on meetings to decide on the committee composition, then, we moved to actual  Jubilee Committee meetings, those things were held daily at a significant cost, two-three hundred grand a pop, you follow so far?

GZ: I do believe I see the logic, pinetart, cheese rolls…one cannot argue with that!

MoPS: Committee members , most of whom were destitute  ahm..in need of things, including, cars and drivers, we couldn’t have important people risking their lives in mini-buses to get to meetings , could we? So some 24 million was spent on new cars for these important minions, now only 3 million was allocated as ‘music’ related as that was the cost of the sound systems installed in the new vehicles, so transportation was a significant cost, you see how it is piling up?

GZ: well something is piling up for sure!..but when we getting to the ‘music’ expenses?

MoPS: well, yes, the committee was undecided on what tone the music should set for the celebrations, so further research was suggested.

GZ: youtube and google cost money?

MoPS: well yes and no, we used the google to find exotic relevant events for our committee to observe, they went to Milan to seek inspiration from the performances at Teatro Alla Scala, to England for a visit to the Royal Albert Hall, Gay Paree for Le Hearuxs, Mexico for Mariachi,  to Pamplona,Spain to see the running of the Bulls, you see?

GZ: I see the Bull all right, I am very impressed that we only spent 51 million, it is obvious that this could have cost much more, our readers will be delighted to know that no malfeasance was indulged in by the administration.

MoPS: mal… no, no, the most that happened is some small instances of drunkness and one two fare get pick… no mal nutten.

GZ: as an aside …after all of this ‘research’ how did we end up with ‘Abide With Me’ a British patriotic song at our Independence celebration?

MoPS: oh, somebody search the Google for ‘famous military songs’ and it popped up… Ok, Thanks for coming.

* I got to get on a committee or a Commission of Inquiry into a Committee…

The Good Life: Part 7 (in case you missed it)

The Good Life: Part 7 (in case you missed it)

My Fellow Guyanese,

I come to this august body in October to share with you the progress made in the quest for the Good Life for all Guyanese, I am delighted to report that we have achieved this, today your life is as good as it’s going to get under our glorious administration, we have managed to halt the economy in its tracks, foreign goods are piling up in stores as you…the consumer, have come to realize that you do not need material things to enjoy the good life, I am so pleased to stand here as your President and tell you that our workers have much more free time in almost every sector, the Bauxite workers no longer work overtime because the Minister refuses to sign an agreement allowing their overtime to be tax exempt, our fruit farmers get more time to enjoy with families, with the Topco bid being turned down, demand for fruit is less, let the workers in Suriname sweat picking fruit, ours can lie in hammocks in the shade and talk with friends who used to work in the Sugar and Rice fields, our quarry workers enjoy the same benefits accrued by way of contracts to Suriname, the weather is cooperating and we expect a well rested workforce to be tanned and healthy for the glorious future as outlined by our glorious founder leader , the wonderful force for Unity, the one, the only Kabaka.

Now, I, as your leader must share my vision of the ‘good life’ … as you know , I spent my life in the army, what a wonderful life, we explored Guyana’s wilderness at the expenses of the taxpayers, days spent swimming, climbing , jumping out of aero-planes, occasionally threatening to chuck someone out of a helicopter, and ..this is important, skinning cock, yes, without real purpose even though we call ourselves protectors of our borders, let’s be realistic, we spend most of our days skinning cock, eating, drinking and cavorting at the taxpayer’s expense. So I urge my fellow Guyanese to get in on the act, let us all follow the example of the pampered Guys Doing Fuckall (GDF) and just lay back without worry, let us all take things in hand and pull together, that way we can come together as One nation, one people, with one destiny!

I see the Opposition has already taken the lead and have gone off to ‘put some oil in their lamp’ instead of coming to work and listening to me wax lyrically about the good life, to them I say, bravo, bravo! , let us all aspire to have salaries without work, a good life indeed, I am happy to be able to share my vision of the good life with you the people who are currently enjoying the good life. I thank you for your time and patience in allowing me to talk about the good life.

………………………………………………………………

Opposition Rebuttal

Well fursh of all, abby lil drunk, abby bin playin’ wan game, drink wan shot every time grainger seh ‘good life’ … all abby gah fuh seh is good ting abby nah bin deh, abby woulda fall sleep (hic) long live Comrade Cheddie.

Gang Of Greedy Assholes (GOGA)

Gang Of Greedy Assholes (GOGA)

Well who the fuck died and made dese bannas God? Asked our editor in an ominously sweet tone… the reporters looked at each other nervously…the wrong answer could get you fired and its hard guava season out there, jus’ look at dem binni hemline, it raise so high that you ent got to grab the pussy, if yuh pass too close the pussy grabbin’ you! , so everybody watching the bossman side-eye…never a good idea to watch the beast in he eye, waiting on further explanation… GOGA… you heard of dem, big launching at Marriott? … “oh, the Gang Of Greedy Assholes who want to have a say in Oil when they have no fucking remit? Bass, nobady ent tekking dem serious, is a hustle, ow, leh the bai dem try nah?” said the stocky reporter (used to be the fat one but we trying wid political correctness)… “I thought it Greedy Opportunity Grubbing Assholes” said the new office girl, “well ya’ll got the Asshole part right” said the editor begrudgingly “so many things wrong with this outfit, none of them in Oil or Gas, the one guy that was lost a ton of investor money, and most of them got American Passports, it claims to be an association but is Incorporated… dem really tekking Guyanese fuh fools… but who could blame dem Awhee Can’t Decipher Anything (ACDA) already ask fuh join dem… if it wasn’t so sad it would have been funny” … boys, it might be time fuh we to start we own Gas and Oil  Workers Union, ah mean who say we cyan hustle too? We ent even need workers just convince somebody to fork over lil hush money or as they call it ‘union dues’…”

……………………………………………………………

Guysnooze also attended the Great Party Friskers (GPF) Seminar on Crime.

Policing 101.

The Phone or 911.

Senior Officer: Class, if the phone rings at the station or at the 911 center, what is the correct response?

Corporal P: You pick it up and say, 911 what is your emergency, Sor!

SO: what the P in your name stand for? Punishment? You like problems nuh… look siddung… anybady else?

Constable J: well, I does leh it ring at least 12 times, because I doan like answer calls from people I doan know, den I does check mih cell and see if is one of mih man ah mean family trying to get me, ah mean if is a real emergency, den I does answer and say ‘who is dis? Wha yuh want?...hole an… den I does pass the phone to the nearest fool fellow officer, who could deal wid John Public, Sor.

SO: J, dat is for Jennyass? Look! When the phone rings , it is the PUBLIC calling for assistance with CRIME, the procedure it to NEVER, NEVER!!! Answer the call, take a break, smoke cigrit, do something with yuh hand, you know why? Because if you ANSWER the phone, we, the senior Officers have to acknowledge the crime report, that goes into monthly statistics, crime will go up,but if we Ignore the call, crime goes down? ..all right ranks, let’s all work to lower the crime rate, tek a break, smoke a cigrit…be back in 30 minutes for The Excuses Exercise, hint... “we have no vehicle” hahahahahaha.

*20% Decrease in Crime my arse!

Clinton V Trump: Celebrity Death Match!

Clinton V Trump: Celebrity Death Match! 

The second American electoral debate is in the books, with no clear winner indicated in the polls, the candidates have agreed to a “celebrity death-match”  for those unaware of the format, please take a time machine to a happier simpler period in history where not many fucks were given about anything… or youtube…yes youtube may be simpler.

We join celebrity announcer Trevor Noah for the introductions, “welcome to celebrity death match, in the Blue Corner fighting for the Jackass party, it’s the indestructible Hillary, and in the Red Corner …wait, what are you doing?” …we are sorry folks but Trevor Noah just had his work permit revoked and he has been deported to native South Africa, we are calling this opening salvo a win for Trump… the candidates circle each other warily, it’s Clinton who jabs first, she throws Trump’s tax returns at his head, he’s hit! And he goes beserk!!! “that’s a billion you and Obama never got to waste on the Blacks and Latino Hispanics” he snarls, Clinton seizes the opportunity to ask the judges to show trump the ‘HATE’ card, Justice Scalia declines her request ‘we all have an ethnicity madam, it’s not hate if you point that out’ he remarks, Trump is still reeling however and is leaning on the ropes, Clinton charges in delivers a sharp kick to the shins, Trump falls to his knees, she shouts ‘you’re not going to grab this pussy, Donald! …Trump reels from that kick in the nads…That’s got to hurt folks! 

 Trump crawls back to his corner, oh my god! His corner-man Paul Ryan has left his post and is heading out of the arena, and he’s taking some others with him, Ryan is bristling with righteous indignation, the crowd is booing and all hell is breaking loose, That is a serious bitch move right there!...meanwhile...Bill has joined Hillary and is putting the boot to The Donald, and the late night comedians are joining in! , it’s Dogpile on the rabbit folks, and in the middle of all this Donald has tweeted and it’s in code “It’s 3 am and I must be lonely @therealdonaldtrump” …is he a Matchbox20 fan? What the heck… 

 Here’s Sean Hannity coming to the ring, is he going to help Trump? ..wait..he’s just standing there, ‘hey Hannity,what are you doing here?” “waiting for someone to ask me if Donald agreed with the war in Eye-rack” … well he’s no help, the blows keep pouring in, Bill just bit him on the cankle, and we all know how much Bill loves his cankles, oh the humanity, they have ripped Trump’s suit off, his pants are in shreds, Hillary has his balls in her icy grip, will someone not throw in the towel? … but wait… someone has rushed into the arena and he’s packing a serious arsenal, the light hits him, omg! It’s Ambassador Stevens… well his mutilated corpse anyways and he looks mad as hell! …. He’s shooting Trumps attackers, they are falling by the wayside, he is screaming “it’s 3 am , answer the fucking phone bitch!” … there goes Bill’s dick, I guess he should have kept it in his pants, pow! pow! Hillary has taken fire but she’s still standing, she grabs Mohamed’s Teddy Bear and hits Stevens, his head flies off, he’s out of this fight….  Trump is getting to his feet also, these two candidates are like the cockroaches that survive nuclear winters, indestructible!!! … The crowd had gone wild, pandemonium has ensued, fights are breaking out all over the arena, the #blacklivesmatters folks are fighting the #allliesmatter folks, the blacks, who really enjoy being called ‘the blacks’ are wrassling with the Whites, Latino Hispanics are pushing regular Hispanics, the bell rings, it’s a draw…. It’s back to debating , see you on the 19^th October Folks. Goodnight.

Family Feud (GT Edition)

Family Feud (GT Edition)

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to The Family Feud, GT Edition, let’s meet the families, first it’s the family from Robb Street, the Freedom House Posse and the current champions the Congress Place Crew, I am your host , Ms. Big Belly , let’s get a big welcome to the Feud!

We all know how this works, I ask a question and the top five answers are hidden on the board, good luck to all contestants.

Ok, each team has a representative at the podium, first to hit the buzzer get first chance to guess the answers, first up for the freedom posse is Mr. Rotee, tell us a bit about yourself, why do they call you Goatman? “is cause a goat bite me and I lied and said no goat ent bite me” ….I see…and for the congress crew its Dr. Nutten, yes? “yes, the calls me nutten cause I dozent see nutten, I dozent hear nutten and I dozent knows nutten about no bond” …well, glad to have such a bright fellow on the show, now for the first question “we asked 100 people for the solution to our porous borders that allow persons like Roger and Barry to escape? … BZZZZ , ok Dr. Nutten, you go first.

Dr. Nutten: Hold a Commission of Inquiry

Big Belly: show me ‘hold a COI”

NZZZNT

BB: not in the top five answers, control passes to Goatman, tell us something people would say is a solution for our Porous borders.

Rotee: Fire Rumjaguar!

BB: show us... Fire Ramjaguar!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

BB: ok , Freedumb fambily , you are on the board with the fifth most popular answer, now

Let’s meet the other members of the family, Dr. Earth Champion, can you tell us something that would keep the borders secure?

Dr. EC: we could put the Guys Doing Fuckall to guard it.

BB: show us ... "Let the GDF earn its bread"

NZttttzzz!

BB: sorry, no one has faith in those guys, Mrs or is it Mizz. Gayle? Name something that keeps the criminals in Guyana.

Mz. Gayle: I need a cigarette and the speaker knows that the HAPNU crew can’t control their dicks much less the borders, so "Nothing" is my answer.

BB: show me.... "Nothing"

DING! DING! Ding!

BB: it’s the top answer,Freedom family, you have the lead, now Berry-Berry, what would you say is something that can be done?

Berry Berry: we could punish those who try fuh get across illegally.

BB: show me... "Slap and Strip"

NTXZZZZZ!

BB: you have two strikes, another strike and the Congress Crew gets a chance to steal, so Infant Oily, tell me something that can be done for the border?

Infant: we could throw a big duck curry and rum lime to keep people from leaving!

BB: “show me ... "Duck and Daru”

NTXXZZZ!!

BB: third strike, now GreenShirt, you have control and a chance to steal, name us one thing that people say will help make our borders less porous…. You can consult with your family….

GreenShirt: no need for consultation, the answer is …. Hold a Commission of Inquiry!

BB:  Show me ....“Hire Some Cronies”

NTZZZ! NTZZZ! NTZZZ!

BB; well there you have it, freedom posse wins the first round, the other answers were … ‘Not much’, ‘Who kay and ‘Shoot Dey Skunt’ ….. but… do not be disheartened points double in the next round, send a contestant up please.

BB: ready? We asked 100 people what they thought the main causes of crime in Guyana were, top five answers on the board…..

BZZZZ!

BB: GreenShirt, your answer?

GS: Not enough church attendance.

BB: show me ...“Losing Faith”

DING! DING ! Ding!

BB: it’s number five, so you must be feeling good, now, Rumjaguar…your answer?

RJ: Nightclubs.

BB: show us “Party and Dancing”

NTIZZ!

BB: well it looks like the people don’t think nightclubs are a problem, Ok congress family, that’s only one strike , Cde. Rolex can you tell us one of the reasons for crime in Guyana?

Cde. Rolex: well ahm, er…Bits & Shams shows at the Stadium!

(Congress family claps)

BB: I got to watch you, sharper than you look, show me….. “Concerts!”

DING!! Ding!

BB: great going Congress crew,that was the number 4 answer, now … Amnah is it or is it Amnot? Anyways, name a cause of crime

Amnah: I-phone 7!

BB: show me …I-phone 7.

Ding Ding Ding

BB: number three answer is I-phone, U-phone and We-phone.

BB: top 2 answers on the board, Mr. Mustachio, name a cause of crime…

Cde. Mustachio: picking fare…I mean Prostitution!

BB: well, nothing like drawing from your own experiences eh?… show us “Whoring”

NTZZZZ!

BB: that’s two strikes Congress crew, one more and Freedumb posse gets a chance to steal for the win…no pressure, wha’ dee Mudder…….. medic  …medic!!!, please take the old man there in the corner to hospital , he just collapsed, yeh hold Holder tighter, …. Ok, order please, now Cde. Greenish, we haven’t heard from you in a long time, ….no I din see you there , yuh kinda short,..anyways ..name a cause of crime…

Greenish: brucks, people commit crime when they brucks.

BB: Show me “Broke Ass People”

Ding! Ding! Ding!

BB: The number two answer! Fantastic team Congress….now quiet please with only the top answer on the board, tell me GreenShirt, what is the number one cause of crime in Guyana?

GS: Lack of entrepreneurial drive, no fry breadfruit businesses.

BB: if you say so…show me “Cannot Cook”

NTZZZZ!!!!

BB: well it would seem the population does not agree with you on this fry breadfruit thing granddad, now …Freedom posse, I want you to consult each other and give me one answer as to the number one cause of crime in Guyana…

Dr. Champion: we doan need to consult, we are confident it is the economic abyss that we have been thrown into by the hapnu geriatrics.

BB: ok, let’s see .... Burnhamonics!

NTZZZZ!!!

BB: that is incorrect, the correct answer is CORRUPTION , top to bottom, well Congress crew you win again! …amazing none of you two families thought Corruption was a leading cause of crime, moral decay at the top trickles down to the bottom quickly… Now Congress crew, it’s time for the Fast money round.

You know how this works, two members of your team are chosen, one waits in the soundproof booth while the other tries to get the top answers to questions, then the second person tries and the aim is to get to 200 points. Greenshirt will wait in the booth while Amnah answers first.

BB: name something you do after you have been robbed.

AM: Call a Commission of Inquiry.

BB: name a famous Guyanese from history.

Am: Burnham.

BB: name a place you go to be entertained.

Am: Alpha…ah mean ….the Seawall.

BB: name a traditional Guyanese dish.

Am: Pepperpot.

BB: name a famous Guyanese singer.

AM: Eddy Grant

BB: well done Amnah, your points will appear by your answer on the board below

Amnah	Points	GreenShirt	POINTS
Commission Of Inquiry	0
Burnham	48
(Alpha?) Seawall	25
Pepperpot	32
Eddy Grant	47
Total	152

BB: well GreenShirt, your team mate has done very well, you only need 48 points to take home the prize money, remember if you hear the buzzer, give another answer, you may pass and come back to it, you have sixty seconds on the clock, good luck!

BB: name something you do after you have been robbed.

GS: Call a Commission of Inquiry.

NtZZZ!!

GS: pass, who would dare rob me?

BB: name a famous Guyanese from history.

GS: Burnham!

NtZZZ!

GS: Pass ..there are no other great Guyanese.

BB: name a place you go to be entertained.

GS: The National Cultural Center

BB: name a traditional Guyanese dish.

GS: Pepperpot.

Ntzzz!

GS: cow-heel soup.

BB: name a famous Guyanese singer.

AM: Shermain Blackmen.

BB: wow! Lets take a look at the board now.

Amnah	Points	GreenShirt	Points	Top Answer
Commission Of Inquiry	0	Pass	0	Call Child-father / 75
Burnham	48	Pass	0	Cheddi /49
(Alpha?) Seawall	25	National Cultural Center	24	Parliament /51
Pepperpot	32	Cow-heel Soup	23	Church’s Chicken/42
Eddy Grant	47	Shermain Blackmen	0	Lisa Punch / 55
Sub-Total	152	Sub-total	47
Total		152+47		199

BB: so close, not to worry, Congress crew gets $10 a point and return next week to face off against challengers ‘Gecon Staff”..until then, this is Big Belly wishing you a good night.

*the show was not aired due to management’s concern about the tightness of Ms.Big Belly’s clothing.