Holy Buckta Batman!

Holy Buckta Batman!

Scene: Commissioner Gordon’s Office, Gotham City, 11 PM

Commissioner Gordon: Batman, I did not turn on the bat-light, why are you here?

Batman: Commissioner, I have received a distress call from my former side-kick Robin, he is in Guyana and he says the country needs Batman ….

CG: Robin is in Africa? That guy gets around…

Batman: It’s in South America according to my Bat-map… anyways, I don’t expect to be gone for too long, probably just regular criminals, hardly expect to find super-villains in GT..that’s what they call the capital Georgetown, Robin says its full of crooked skunts, no idea what the word means, must be the spanishy lingo they speak down there, anyways …Adios Amigo, I go… (jumps out of window)

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Scene: Cheddi Jagan International airport

Immigration Officer: what’s your reason for visiting Guyana sor?

Batman: I am here to look at investment in possible business ventures

IO: well dis is suspicious sor, you are not Chinese… (calls over to another IO) hey Lennox , dis man say he is an investor but he ent name Ling or lang…wha fuh do?

Lennox: (Comes over) sor, where are you staying in Guyana?

Batman: I have rented a mansion on the outskirts of Georgetown , well it must be a mansion based on the rent paid by my agent Dr. Nutten… millions, millions per month…

Lennox:  lot 32B Sussex Street, hmm, is a Nutten special… (stamps the passport) have a good stay sucker  ah mean sor …

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Scene: Commissioner Rumnowine’s office, GT

Batman swings into the window on his trusty bat-rope, grabs the person rifling through the Commissioner’s desk

Batman: I have you villain! , five minutes on the job and I caught a skunt! I really am Batman…

Villain: who the hell are you? I am Commissioner Rumnowine! Unhand me!

Batman: oh…oh… sorry where I come from the Villains wear makeup, like the Joker and the Scarecrow…let me introduce myself, I am Batman!

Com R: Well ..this is not Sasod office, so tek yuh buckta and beat out before I have you arrested!

Batman: but I am Batman, the world’s greatest crime fighting vigilante, here to help you reduce your crime rate.

Com R: what crime? We already worked out how to reduce the rate, we don’t answer the phone and we lose every third station diary, crime is down 21% … look, I have heard of you, especially after Superman beat up yuh rass in that last movie, what were you thinking? You can’t help us, for example, you are committing a crime by not having a work permit, did you apply for one? I know you did not or Minister Rolex would have told me… instead of jumping through my window, go jump through his, good day sir!

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Scene: Ministry of birth paper.

Batman enters through the front door and politely asks to see the Minister of Citizens.

Front Desk Girl: ahm, batman? Dh is yuh name, sor yuh cyan come in here with yuh buckta showing, see the sign there…yes, no sleevless, no slipper, no buckta showing…please go put some pants on and come back

Batman leaves and returns five mins later with pants 

Batman: can I see the Minister now?

FDG: wait, yuh went out and come back wid yuh two long han’…stueeps…take a seat sor, take plenty seats…

2 hours later Batman approaches the front desk again

Batman: can you say when the minister will see me?

FDR: I don’t know, can you tell me when I will see some chocolate or perfume on my desk?...sor, please sit down and wait…

3 hours later the office closes and Batman is ushered outside and told to come back tomorrow…

Early the next day, Batman arrives with a large bar of chocolate and channel no5 perfume.

Batman: sorry I did not know the local customs, I brought a gift for you, can I see the Minister today?

FDG: (tucks away the presents) I am sorry sor, the minister is out of the country since Monday , he will be back next month in time for the cabinet meeting, thanks for the progs babes, yuh could come back then… tek mih number nah…wait…he gone?

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 Scene: Commissioner Gordon’s Office, Gotham City, 11 PM (one week later)

CG: Batman! You are back, I guess the petty crime in Ghana was easy to clear up, no super villains like we have in Gotham eh?

Batman: Commissioner you have it all wrong, Batman has been defeated in Guyana, let me tell you, we live in a crime free city by comparison, our super villains are tame pets compared to the animals I encountered there, oh the humanity! (Batman breaks into bat-tears)

CG: Wow! Batman defeated…did you run into Ra’s Al Ghul?

Batman: worse, lemme tell you about it, I met their commissioner , who wears make-up like the Joker, he said I needed a work permit to operate, I went to the ministry for that, they pushed me around for a few days and sent me to MoP, at MoP I was told that MoP is now at the mess, well the mess is at the army camp and the only way I could get in there was to use my gadgets, I got back to my Sussex street ‘mansion’ ..total chaos, the metal door pried off the hinges, everything gone, bat belt, bat-phone, bat-suit, man even my special bullet-proof bat bucktas, place empty… when I called the police, they asked for my tin number and if I had filed my tax returns… and this was just the start, there are super-villains everywhere, I was hungry and bought three loaves of bread only to be arrested for ‘vending’ two minutes later, apparently possession of more than one loaf of bread is an offence, especially if you have a hunk of cheese in the other hand, the Town Clown had me locked up until Robin came and bailed me out, while in the lock-ups, someone stole my bat-watch, then Robin arranged for me to meet Rumjaguar, the Minister in charge of crime, turns out he has super powers, he can watch two places at one time, I solved the puzzle of why he can’t get a simple Diwali date right, the man watching two dates at the same time, it must be confusing as hell, oddly enough he has a twin , Minister of road and bridge, I highly doubt any bridge he builds will meet in the middle…. 

Then came the parade of Super Villains, the Nameekaram and his side-chick Eggball Can, they look harmless enough, but they spin a meaner web than Spider-man, talk about tying up a town with thread, I was convinced that there was no crime problem to fix after half an hour with these two blasted liars, my mental faculties were tested to the limits to escape their Lotus eating lair… then I ran into a group of ex-army men, the Old Farts brigade, you ever smell old people poops…gawd, it was awful, ten of them at one time, Poison Ivy is perfume by comparison, after a few minutes with them I welcomed the possibility of death…but I am Batman, I survived by jumping out of a window..but bradapps, I got out of there into the hands of the Coconut Man, at first I thought, what a cool guy, he gave me coconut water, ah, so refreshing, then he started a litany of uses for coconut oil, hair,skin, baby batty, then he mentioned my batty… and how the oil would make things easier…well that was too much, ka-pow , straight to the jaw and I ran out of there like a bat out of hell… I attempted to shelter in the law courts but I was challenged to a battle of wits by the general attorney, I refused to duel as he was unarmed, I was also worried about his powers, rumor has it that he is impervious to knowledge and cannot be harmed by facts…

CG: oh Batman, what an ordeal…

Batman: Comissioner Gordon that is not the end, I then found out what a ‘skunt’ was, oh I wish I had never learnt that lesson, there was Freddy, King of the scunts, he called me Hitler, me!...Says only Hitler would be a vigilante in this post modern Guyana, Then I met one called Uncle Raff, he’s into producing a musical based on Oil & Gas, plenty song and dance, no action, what a skunt!, but had it ended there I would have battled through, but the multitude of skunts kept attacking, ones who kept asking if I could hook them up a job at Gecon, because it look like it easy to thief deh, then came the parking meter ads, talk about skunt, I was captured and forced to watch those ads for days, then the newspapers start reporting about my activities, “Batman finds new use for coconut oil” … “Hole spotted in Batman’s Buckta”…. “Batman’s secret meeting with mop at mess” …. After that I knew I could never defeat the skunts, they are too powerful for me, Commissioner, I am going to be checking myself into Arkham Asylum for a few days of sanity after that trauma.

For sale: One ‘B” off of Batman belly.