The ‘enry ‘iggins
Guide to Massa
This guide is written for my fellow Guyanese born after 26th
May 1966, You and I know no ‘Massa day’ , we were born into a country free from
the oppressive colonial yoke, the only oppression we have known is from our own
dear countrymen, our ignorance of Massa is usually a bliss, however one of the
lesser Massas’ is on a tour of Gam-Gam’s previous possessions in the New World
and it behooves us to sharpen up our etiquette in preparation for His Royal
Highness Prince Henry of Wales.
General
Information
If you cannot pronounce your H’s , stay in the back, no
mouthing up Prince ‘arry or ‘enry.
The present girlfriend is Miss Markle an American actress,
NOT Miss Merkel the leader of the fourth Reich or Miss Marple, a beloved old
biddy of Agatha Christe’s invention.
The whole James Hewitt is your daddy thing has supposedly
been covered-up disproved, but still avoid any mention of his striking
resemblance to same.
Learn to Bow and Scrape. (Hint: think Lawyer in court) Your
worship dis and dat.
Poorer citizens are asked to wear the dan-dan or stay
indoors and not “poor up the place and spoil massas’ view”
Bandits beware that your benefactor in office will not be
kindly disposed to any act that causes his “crime?,what crime?” stance to be
questioned during the visit.
News Outlets –Please see above.
For Government
Officials
Most of you are old like dirt so no formal training is
needed, however a reminder that:
The prince is not here to go to “Rio”…. Basil….
Try to remember that YOUR national Anthem goes “dear land…”
and not “God save…”
Arthritis is no excuse for not curtsying.
The prince does not want to hear about “when you were his
age”.
For all you Brigadiers, Generals, Boat-less Admirals, this
man went to an actual war, it may be more interesting to discuss the history of
Crimplene used to make those black suits than the ‘medals’ hung on them.
For Members of the
Cocktail Circuit
Smile and nod, ask no question, if asked anything by His
Highness, it is acceptable to lie.
For example: “what do you do?”
PROFESSION (Unacceptable)
|
What you say you do (Acceptable)
|
Hustler
|
Contractor, Businessman, Govt. Minister
|
Cult Leader
|
Pope/ Fudge Packer/
|
Drug Dealer
|
Pharmaceuticals , Import/Export
|
Coconut Farmer
|
Heavily invested in future Oil
|
Skin-cock
|
Serve in the armed forces
|
Shopkeeper
|
Shopkeeper
|
Insurance
|
Dealing in Futures
|
Craftsman
|
Manufacturing
|
Manufacturing
|
Captain of Industry
|
Spout meaningless drivel
|
Prime Minister
|
Sailor
|
President
|
If asked by The Gingerbread man “How do you do?”
How you are doing (Unacceptable)
|
What to say (Acceptable)
|
Things Brown
|
Coping with the global economic crisis
|
Broken to thief
|
Looking closely for investment opportunities
|
Money Big
|
Enjoying the perks of public service
|
Pensionaire (Million plus a month pension)
|
Living off the taxpayer, like you, haw haw…
|
More money than God
|
Things Brown….
|
For Working Citizens
The following should be your mantra:
Look busy, Massa is coming.
For Dangles
Beena’s has a new selection of whore heels that would look
good on the prince’s shoulder, you know what to do…go Dangle, after all, you
are our most precious resource, forget Miss Markle, introduce his highness to
Miss Turkle.
*Looking forward to Freddy vs The Prince in Knews.
lol lol
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