Don't blame the Sailor

Don’t blame the Sailor

We at Guysnooze have been puzzled for moths as to why the President has had such a differing perception of Crime, its prevalence and effect on the Guyanese populace, due to diligent investigation and more than a touch of ingenuity, we have been able to obtain Top Secret reports on Crime received by the President, after reading these we were finally able to understand His Excellency’s position of “Crime? …What crime?”, we have presented a few excerpts for your edification.

Top COP Report

Top Drawer/ Eyes Only

Report on Incident at Hand In Pocket

There was an incident involving rival gangs that culminated in the wounding of a member of the Security gang in middle street.

It appears that a gang of robbers (The bandits) entered the establishment of another gang (Insurance Schemers) and demanded money, the IS representative then engaged the Bandits in conversation, the IS guy asked the B’s if they knew that the average life span of their members was 27 years , while those of IS was 83, the IS man then reasoned that the B’s would be better off with purchasing of “life insurance” and/or “fire insurance” to provide for loved ones when they meet their expected death in the line of work or if disgruntled rivals were to set fire to their abodes, this suggestion was met with mixed reactions by the three Banditos, one of whom was set against the idea, as he said “ is a scheme, is nice when they collecting yuh money , is another scene when yuh dead, ah mean it gon tek 20 years fuh dem to agree to pay anything if at all” …another of the bandits was also against fire insurance “dat is jail, when yuh house bun and yuh gat insurance, police does lock yuh up fuh arson, if yuh ent gat, yuh in gool, and dem always got excuse not to pay, yuh insure for 100 million, mekking payment all the time, but when it bun, if..if they pay, is 10 million dem saying yuh ting worth, if dem did know that, why dem was collecting fat all the time? Eh?”… The third bandit meanwhile purchased a hefty life insurance policy after borrowing money from the first two to pay the premium, ‘ look fools, we gon pay an’ den we gon rob dem…duh”… this plan was put in motion only to be foiled when the member of the security gang bravely intervened and the shooting started.

The police arrived and cordoned the area in search of the bandits, meanwhile one of the bandits turned himself in and lodged a complaint against the Insurance schemers, “not only dey tek my money, they tell the guard doan shoot to kill, look, I got wife and chirren, not to mention others to look after, If I did get kill, dem was drawing down massive!” ….he accused the IS of discrimination and fraud, the Bandit was soon joined by his accomplices as they too lodged complaints. The matter will be sorted out and a full report delivered soon.

COP

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Report from Minister of Sexual Protection

PopeStar Investigation

Top Secret

Dear Excellency,

After numerous viewings of the Popetape, from all angles, on my back, belly, sideways, doggy style , I am able to say that the Popestar uses no sexual protection, There have been questions from the media about if anyone was brainwashed, at this point we can say no, there was some heads, nuff fuck and one entertaining bugga, but no brainswash, our ministry has requested anyone with additional recordings of the Popestar to submit same for review.

Some of the evidence suggests that further investigation is warranted and I have decided to launch a personal investigation so as to get a first hand feel for the case, I will be meeting the Popestar at the scene of his alleged crimes, if hard evidence arises, I will do my best to cope with it and report further.

Minister

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Minister Rumjaguar

Top Secret

Re: Police Bulletin issued for ‘Mastermind”

Sir, dese police real fuckin’ stupit, no wonder I getting bad name, is nah me fault police exam easy and nobady ever fail… look how they using...or ah should say abusing English, dem looking for a ‘mastermind’ when is obvious dem should be looking for a “dumbass”

I feel ya’ll set me up wid dis wuk, why I can’t get a easy ministry like Social Cohesion? Where dem ent got nutten fuh do and all day fuh do it.

Minister

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

*In an unrelated news expose, the knews is reporting that the ministry of sexual protection has put out a tender for D cell batteries.