To Prorogue or not to Prorogue

To Prorogue or not to Prorogue  

Wha' happen to parliament dese days? many are asking if the democratic institution has been abandoned, amid growing concern from the ABC (read white massas) countries, Presi convened an emergency meeting of his cabinet to address the issue. Guysnooze, as always knew a fly on the wall.

Cde. "whashename" Junior Minister:  Hey ye, hey ye, all rise for the most excellent President.

Presi: Thank you Minister ahmm...  well...yes, well thank you minister, (looks around the room) where is everybody?

Hardman: Excellency, I apologize for my colleagues who are not present today, but we are trying to establish communication via Skype to ensure they participate fully.

Presi: Apologize! is dat all you good for? cayn open a paper without seeing you groveling or sniveling about some crap you said the day before, think before yuh talk nuh! , I called this meeting to find a date convenient for all to reconvene parliament, Massa getting upset and the ass from Guysnooze keeps saying we "prorogued" parliament! ... we just postponed it indefinitely a distinction that seems lost on that jackass!   get them on the skype quickly, I ent got all day, dis cutting into my suppertime.

Skype: bonjour kemarades! it is I! cde. mustachio beaming from gay paree!

Presi: adjust yuh camera all we seeing is a talking mustache and clean the lens, look like it raining in paree...

Skype2: hey! dis is Kaddy, repording on the nice wedder in Canada hey! great day to be a tourist minister.

Presi: nice weather? yuh bundle up like frostee and look fatter than nigel, we got to get a wide angle lens.

Skype3: greetings from Alpha football

Presi; Security breach! security breach! code red, code red!

Hardman: kalm down Grandad, is only Dinga, is a mistake, he on my frequently dialed and bess fren list, my bad... lemme disconnect him, my apologies Dolphinman411 , but I will call you later.

Presi: I see yuh apologize to a PPP supporter at last....ah watching yuh close close... who else missin?

Hardman: nagas ent got me on skype, ah think he black me, yuh bai, Greenish on a business trip in Rio, we trying to get he but the connection not picking up, so we ent know how he faring...

Presi: "faring" indeed! well we could give he another two minutes.. hahahha

Skype 4: hello, hello, is dis thing on? tap, tap, hello? like it ent wukking... sor, yuh got to put the ting in yuh ears... oh, well hello? this is your leader, well if yuh in the WPA hahah, how ya'll doing, reporting we doing fine in Atlanta.

Presi: Woofert, is Mamna wid you?

Cde. Woofert: yeh, she deh hey, but I nat risking my phone camera... yuh gon hear she voice jus now...manma seh sumting...

Mamna: (sings) hello..from the other sideeeeeee!...

Presi: my ears, my ears.... now I can never un-hear dat, thanks for spoiling Adele for me.. now to the business, this postponement of parliament cannot go on indefinitely,  ya'll got to all be home at one time so we can restart the ting, pass laws, mek jokes about the PPP an' ting... the public missing the entertainment...

Skype5: hey hardman, I hope I am not late, just had some "business" to attend to, foreign affairs if yuh know what ah sayin' , "precoce" is what they call me here (wink wink)

Presi: COMRADE GREENISH! ....PUT ON A SHIRT AND ZIP UP YOUR FLY!!!

Greenish: Hardman, yuh setting me up, I gon remember... (reappears with shirt on)

Mamna: so, excellency, when we thinking fuh dis parliment ting?

Presi: Feburary 10th

Mamna: Oh No!, I have an international gathering of hairdressers conference to attend in Italy.

Presi: but you is not even a hairdresser..

Mamna: yes, presi, but...hairdressing salons are places of social cohesion...plus I gon get a free makeover.

Presi: well any makeover might help...how the 16th February?

Cde. Mustachio: ahm..chief ...I got a meeting of the grand Pooh-Bahs of the legal world in meheco! ayeee! ayee!

Comrade Soninlaw: dad...ah mean Excellency, me and han going on our third honeymoon in march, so if yuh could mek this thing for April..

Rumjatan: April bad for me, May or July is better...

Presi: wha happen to June?

Rumjattan: meeno, wha happen to she?

Presi: June the month! I decree Parliament will be reconvened in June , the 15th to be exack!

Hardman: ahm..presi...me an' you supposed to be in Brooklyn for the annual gathering of the funds...

Presi: Ok, Ok August! august! ...any objections???

All the Ministers: but August is the Olympics.....

Presi: look, leh we leff dis thing postponed...who needs it anyway, is a rubber stamp and a platform for Jagdeo to show off heself...

Hardman: Meeting prorogued.,,ah mean postponed,,ahm.. done! the meetin done! 

*Editor's Note: nah worry,massa knows best...

The Weak in Review

The Weak in Review

Weak, as is weak with laughter, the previous days have been especially trying , one can literally die with laughter in Guyana, we begin with the AFC and its choice of words.English is an amazing language, one word in a sentence can be quite telling, for example when the AFC threatened to reveal PPP bank accounts with fabulous sums, the telling adjective was "Fabulous", not shameful, disgraceful or even disgusting, seems to indicate envy or admiration, not quite sure which... A Fabulous Craving to emulate perhaps? not to be outdone in the area of asinine statements, the Guyana Road Safety Council,Charge the passengers for overloading, let's not stop there, leh we charge the passengers if the driver speeding, or if he drunk, or if he driver's license  expire, in fact, leh we charge the passengers if the driver offers a bribe.

...........................................................................................................................................................

Headlines this week screamed "RAMOTAR WANTS ARMY TO WORK"

Following up on this, Guysnooze was granted an exclusive interview with Head Honcho of Guys Doing Fuckall (GDF), the former president seems to be not aware of our ongoing operations that are consuming our time.

GZ: could you share some details of those operation with the public?

HH: well, it's very hush hush, state secrets, but I can tell you we have two ongoing operations, Operations SkinCock and Rockback, plus Exercise BushCook will commence shortly to replace Operation BackBall which has been cancelled this year.

GZ; and these operations and exercises take up much of your time?

HH: my good man, this is what we do! , of course it takes up all of our time, well, that and medal ceremonies, awards, that sort of thing, how do you think a country with no warships ended up with an Admiral? Everybody is General, brigadier, Colonel...yuh see any ranks hey? we ent got enough small ranks to cut we own grass fuh Years now... is a big bai operation we running hey...

GZ: No operation BackBall? ...but..but ..it's tradition! #change.

The Commander in Deed in a statement also told the former President it was none of his beeswax what the Army did with their time, "so what if the cost is over 3 million per solider per annum, does that mean they must earn it?, I think not! these heroes deserve their rest and recreation like everybody else, who knows when they may be called upon to fight a War".

We asked the head Honcho at GDF for a response to this also.

HH: War? War? what the hell! ...we are not that kind of Army... most of our members are professional soldiers, we serve as military attaches and go on lengthy courses of education...war? war...(we left the good man shaking his head )

................................................................................................................

The other armed forces, namely the Police announced that they had seized 300 Kilos of Cocaine for the year 2015, upon closer investigation Guysnooze learned the figures may be a bit inflated... A source close to the action in the force claims that "is really 30 Kilos, that we seized ten times, we sell it and then seize it back, yuh know, like recycling"  ... funny business policing but good to see they have a recycling policy.

............................................................................................................................

  

CANU today suffered a breach of security as details of the agency's patented "Patta Coke" search techniques were inadvertently released to local media outlets, Head of the agency stated that it was bad enough that a Minister of the former regime had exposed the agency's "Skin BT" at a rally in Linden, but now whole new ways would have to be devised to check holes.

*Guysnooze staff is busy with it's annual get together to watch Home Alone on NCN.

Motivation

Motivation

After a weekend filled with sporting activity, the Guysnooze team were loath  to turn up for work on Monday, a sentiment shared by most people, that got the ol' editor to thinking (always a bad thing), why are some of us more motivated than some?.. why just the odder day, the good comrade Prime Minister was "flimed" by the D'Pickcha Imam "hard at work" for us, the people, yes, ah know..the paper was blank like he head, all staged to fool we an' suh, but still, the make wake up early, put on he dan-dan and pose up for the DPI , duh is like a full day wuk fuh he most times, cut two ribbon, kiss two baby, eat some free food, mek some mo' empty promise, ask Joe fuh a meeting to discuss 'matters of great import' ... so today's edition is all about the office discussion of  'Motivation".

It was pointed out by a junior reporter that judges did not get to work early but certainly seemed to be motivated to do some strange things, man chop up he family, run and hide from police, return to the family and got them under living under "terrorscope" , friken to seh boo, and whe the police ketch the man, he get bail pronto!.... now wha' cud motivate a judge fuh do dis? ... suspicions are starting to form about this "motivation" bizness...

Then another person bring up how Hardman givin' way he hard faught salary increase... the editor mek a call to the man an' he seh he got nuff reasons, 50 million to be exact.. well the suspicion about what motivates getting teeth....

The girl in the office den seh how like dem minister meting people and organizations getting them "motivated" to contribute to 50th anniversary celebrations, well the editor axe she if she head good, how Guyanese gat pride and how 50 is a nice round number "look, even Joe like um" he declared, the editor den tell the girl the nex' thing she bring up at a meeting better name "sangwich" .

The discussion moved to Bai Ting Ling and the extensions dem get recently, we cud well understand the minister deh, after all dem chinee is a "motivational" sort, dis new guvment did always saying the old guvment get nuff nuff 'motivation' from the same chinee dem, well, there was a twist, old bai clyde say he not understanding dis extension, how nobody ent show he the motivation... he musse tink he is Jerry Maguire!

Nagamuchfadoo, despite he name, motivated to work on saturday, he is usually president on weekends, cayn be president of the hammock or president of goat curry lime, plus the word is the man counting up the days spent as president to show he deserve a Presidential Pension Package, dem bai seh he is a ol' PPP trickster at heart, but he lawyer think he gat a case. well rite up the road from Guysnooze is the right hanarable Director of Pusillanimous Procrastination, who look like she deh pon the "motivation' runnin's too, sen the file, bring the file, kerry the file, everyday the file dem moving, in and out like a shaft in the public behind, but nobady ent geting jail, Jenny walkin' roung like bird, free free, whistling at the jailer... we can only imagine at the size of the "motivation"... nah like dem small timers, traffic police tekking towel fun motivate dem fuh move alang, or a lil ting n a black plastic bag in the court corridor, nah man, she must be getting bigger tings..

Well it could look like all dis motivation is possibly of the monetary kind, but dem got odder kinds, like when yuh got a small loley it does mek yuh want pick pon woman like Charran D'ass,... insecurity is a terrible thing...or when yuh hug up the President and hope everybody forget yuh is a chile molester(tek yuh pick, nuff deh roung) , even the conmen does get motivate , we bai Motezart tryin' a ting fuh a trillion dollars no doubt hoping to find a judge willing to be "motivated' for a share, no takers yet tho...

So what motivates you? drop us a line and let us know. motivation@tekkabribe.com

*What motivated Stabroek to publish dem US cables tho? No new information and certainly not gospel truth! I doubt that the assessment of our now President is accurate and it was a long time ago, people change ent?

Judge Gringo Lall blows his horn

Judge Gringo Lall blows his horn

It is often said Guyana is like the "wild wild west" of American history, well there may be some truth to that, why, just yesterday Judge Gringo Lall made an appearance, the good judge was in his courtroom trying to work and dem damm infernal machines kept honking their horns, now if it is one thing the loony judge likes it is to blow his own horn, he therefore moved quickly to quiet the competition, so to speak, declaring the "world is my courtroom' he had the poor horner men dragged in from the streets and charged with "contempt of Court", one poor man declared "contempt? I just got here.." the other said " I was not in contempt before, but seeing how this thing works, contempt is a verb I can live with, the rest are not printable" , after forcing the men to gamble on guilty/not guilty pleas, the lawman set fines and had a good laugh with his colleagues, the fact that fathers would not be able to buy dinner for their families was of no bother to him whatsoever, "so what if they can't buy bread, let them eat cake tonight" .

The good judge then announced he would henceforth be a "mobile court" and would no longer wait for cases to be brought before him but he would be Pro-active and nip crimes in the bud or amazingly, even prevent crimes from happening, Guysnooze reacted quickly and embedded a reporter to follow this legal pioneer and report. What follows may shock, surprise and even delight you depending on your point of view.

Judge Gringo Lall (as he is known) stopped at the Red House and announced he had made his judgement and it would remain "Cheddie" house, when asked by our reporter 'what about Burnham?" he said, I have decided , Red House for Cheddie, Castellanni house for Burnham, when further pressed about the new guys, Grainger & Nagamoodoo, he delivered judgment, DAG house and Shit house respectively , unless fowl get teeth and dem turn out to be better than useless, and the flying judge moved on.

Next Judge Gringo Lall made judgments on the suicide problem in Guyana, sale of rope - ten years, sale of indian tonic..ah mean gramaxone - 5 years, sale of knife and guns --all good, sale of cook-up by lady wid bigfoot who does deh skretchin' all the time..welcome! apart from these measures the Judge called the Minister of Social media and made an order of the court to force her to produce billboards for public education:

1. Poison kills, Nah drink ahm.

2.  Blow is inevitable, so nah tek blows, fuh givin' blow.

3. Nuff mo fish deh in the sea.

4. Henging people wid rope is job fuh judge.

5. Only judge can blow dem own horn.

Our intrepid pioneer Judge then took us on a dizzying whistle stop tour, Robb Street- gag order for man wid Goat syndrome, judge tell he shut he trap , leh one jackass bray at a time, right away a lady jump up and seh "dem sensoring the PPP" , the judge tell she no smoking in he courtroom, she shout 'you're out of order" he shout back.... "you're out of Government"....

*Editor's Note: Oppression creeps up on you, a culmination of disparate acts that reach critical mass if left unchecked, we the People have the responsibility to be ever vigilant and confront it whenever it rears its ugly head,  

Nuff Gaff Organizations (NGO)

Nuff Gaff Organizations (NGO)

In the past when feeling sick you used to drink a phensic, now it would seem the cure resides in the NGO, or Nuff Gaff Organizations, whatever the problem we got an NGO fuh dat, thick like fly, thicker than thieves, providing employment, self aggrandizement, fame, fortune but sadly it seems, no solutions, no cures, the healthiest smiles reserved for the day the check comes in from the funding fools, UN dis dat or the odder. So today Guysnooze takes a look at NGO's and what they really do in Guyana, as usual we used the "Gidharie" line of spy devices to eavesdrop, only the best for us.... we take you inside the belly of the beast, the "I Heart Guyana" NGO meeting in GT.

Charmaine: thenk you all for coming to the meeting today, there are snacks and drinks at the back, help yourselves, this meeting is funded by the UN Committee for Empowerment, the first order of business is to get our first project proposal in for funding, any suggestions?

Donna: well, how about domestic abuse? or drugs, or indignant people...(interrupted)

Jackie: I think you mean Indigenous people?

Donna: no! i mean what i said Indignant people, people who vex, who need help to calm the fuck down, people like me who are always interrupted bef---(interrupted)

Charmaine: calm down sister Donna, take a sip of the lovely UN funded coconut water.

Jackie:  well ah see yuh point... but ya'll sure we gon get funding for dese tings? it seems every other ngo doing dem ting already..

Ali: look, how about we find out what they funding and den do dat!

Charmaine: I thought we would see what we passionate about..no Donna, not you kinda passion!

Jackie: I passionate about cheese, so I agree wid Ali.

Charmaine: we all in agreement, you in the back deh, fat man... stop stuffing yuh face wid the cheeseroll and pay attention nah..the snacks ent running away... you agree wid the plan from the looks of it you got passion for cheese too..cheeseroll , hahah, arite leh we see wha available.

Ali: look dis hey, dem giving up to 10 thousand pounds fuh produce movies with local content.

Jackie: girl, Koju gat dat lack, he jus win some big prize, suh we gon get beat out deh...look again.

Sheema: well look, dem funding help fuh one foot man.

Jackie: dem got man wid one foot?

Charmaine: yes, they rare , but they deh bout.. I run into one a time, lef me walking funny fuh days

Donna: I could see how passion could be inflamed for this project, I starting to feel passionate about it already, hmm it hot in hey or wha?

Sheema: well leh we start write nuh , this thing got mih creative juices flowing

Ali: hahah girl, you look like you could do wid a good "creating" right about now!

Charmaine: well the main problem is finding dese special men, how we gon do duh one? I ent sending me patta to blows again, nat me! 

Donna: otisha din say them man fetching nuff lumber down by the cathedral?

Sheema: is wha wrang wid you, dem kinda man wan the same ting you want, no! we got to do dis professionally, we rent the theater guild and hold auditions, closed of course.

Jackie; oh gosh, it would be like Magic Mike! yes, yes! yes!!

Fat Man: (puts down patty) ya'll know dat is one leg man dem looking fuh help right? ...not 12 inch studs...

Silence........................................................................

Charmaine: ........ well yes.... any other ideas, dem one leg man done got they own racket by dem red light, and sir...you is the man from Guys News? (close enough)

Ali: I hear they got funding for linguistics

Sheema: I love a cunning Linguist

Donna: 69 is mih favourite numbah

Fat man: I cyan tek dis no more! ya'll is sex maniacs! plus dem ent got no mo pinetart.

......so Dear Reader , our high tech listening device ambled out the room as the strains of the job became too much for him to take.... in the background he hears...

wha bout suicide, people henging theyself whole day... is blow or blows causing it.... leh we fix it by offering strangers who look sad cuddles, or coffee, or ...

*GT has more Nuff Gaff Organizations than anywhere else per capita. #1 

Pope of Thieves

We rarely carry letters to the editor, but exception are made.... as in this case.

Dear Editor,

We the Association For Criminals (AFC) have noted with alarm the President's reconvening of the National Security Council , our members fear this will lead to discrimination against our method of earning a livelihood. This government continues to wage a campaign of aggression against our community, first they introduced scab labor by releasing 60 workers into our profession before they had completed their training stint at our Lot 12 facility, then there was a 'gun amnesty' where they tried to trick us into giving up our tools of trade, but this last act has us really worried, a NSC means lots of meetings and plans, crackdowns and so forth, this means that some of our foremost members who also serve in the armed forces will be put in a most awkward position, both planning crimes and prevention of crimes, now .we noted government attempts to divide the Hindus with Diwalidate gate, be warned this cockeyed approach will not work with us, at our recent meeting to share the spoils from the raid on Amerika street, All  Persons of the New Underworld pledged allegiance to the Association For Criminals.

Our message to citizens is to always be prepared to encounter our members, it continues to be a source of irritation to our flock when you appear surprised and don't give we the fockin money immediately when we axe for it, be prepared people! have everything you treasure at hand or you could get shot in the foot!

This missive is the first in our Public Relations campaign "Church Boys Gone Bad" , look out for the video on a CCTV near you.

Sincerely

The Pope of Thieves 

Guyana Fuh Dundaheads

Guyana Fuh Dundaheads

This free writing gig not working out well for the staff at Guysnooze, with no "brown bag" in sight we decided to monetize our knowledge of local culture, in the tradition of the 'For Dummies" series of books, we will be producing a "Fuh Dundaheads" series, below we give you excerpts from selected works.

Ministah Wuk Fuh Dundaheads

Chapter 1. Advice for new Ministers of Government

Being in high office is not the same as being high in office.

Being Minister of Tourism is not an license to traipse around the globe on the taxpayer dime, instead you should be promoting Guyana as a destination, mek up shit so that it sound like a nice place to visit, lie!, wear Hawaiian shirts, channel you inner Don Ho or whateva kinda Ho you is, do wat yuh got to do! 

Minister of drains and potholes, please note you is not the weatherman, nobody wants to know how many inches of rain yuh get, jus mek it drain.... mek it drain...mek it drain.

If yuh drive aroung in a well known contractor vehicle and frennin wid the man sexytary, nah think nobody nah know. Dis country small, if yuh fath in essequibo dem ah smell am ah Berbice.

Guyana Facebook Fuh Dundaheads

101. Dis ting ent got fren. Repeat. is nat frenbook.

If is only she face yuh seeing, "Late Caveat Emptor" applies.

 It's ok to tell somebody they been 'bonjoured" when they post stories from "therealrealtruth.com" and trying to send up your blood pressure.  

Dear farrin' peeps, do not post lololol ----GT people gon think yuh talking about lolo...whole odder ting.

Life pun de dam is good for a few minutes of fun, but if you send too much time reading the comments pon Mostly page, you WILL lose faith in humanity and question the intelligence of the human race. Keep it real BUT keep it brief.

These are just some of the fascinating insights we have to share, do not be left out, pre-order copies today, chapters on Elections, Uses for the word Skunt and of course 'what we really mean" are all informative and entertaining. one more teaser....

News reporting fah Dundaheads

If your newspaper loses credibility it will quickly become Toilet paper and be given free with purchase of gas.

*When the likes on Mostly page was 34K, the suicide rate was 34, when it was 44K suicide was 44, coincidink? maybe...maybe not, COI needed, btw is 65K now...

Minister Rawanjatan...change that date!

Minister Rawanjatan...change that date!

In the dear republic a wind of change has been blowing hard or do we mean a blow hard has been changing things?  will the kuffelment ever end?  What begun with the Convention Centre has continued, names, places, dates, history, all done in a most mysterious manner, take the diwali date for example, the minister first consulted with Pandit Jukaroundee , Baba Ganouche and  Swanmi Tuggamapuddah , what is clear is that Minister Rawanjattan need to change the date! #11th

The current president visited the former president's college but refused to entertain a name change....now he line up the pickney dem in the hot sun(check), march through dem like Montgomery reviewing the troops, spent three hours asking important sounding questions and promised to come back in a few months with a plan...now ..in dem three hours, he ent notice dem pickney wearing purple? the color made famous by he who shall not have a school he founded named after him , ah mean, yuh leading the man party, yuh trying desperately to bring back he ideas, he cronies deh back like zombie nation, the Palms now empty who ent wukking at RK got minister wuk.....by the by ... yuh ent even nice up dem children wid a vimto and a buns...

We at Guysnooze  have  another suggestion for change:

 Dear Land of Guyana  should be replaced with Do the Hustle ...

Nuff Eye Pass

Nuff Eye Pass …

But wait nah, nuff eye pass going on hey, like dese people ent kay wha’ they say or do nuh mo?

The Prime Minister could really say he expect the outrage over the massive pay hikes given to him and his colleagues to be over, like Guyanese got ADD? We stupid, ignorant and dotish? He got the gall to say ‘we not greedy” well he right! Dem ent greedy, dem friggin scraven!  And while the government thinking the people stupidee, a local company tryin fuh sell dem a bridge they already own, is who really stupidee?

Dem got a ministah who think the solution to child labor is to import smaller spades and wheelbarrow! Anodder one turn pundit, he looking into the bottom of rum bottles fuh find “Diwali” dates,  the comrade from Star Trek get ketch wid the fuss bribe he try fuh tek, not Spock but close enuff, Trotman say ‘trust me”  and like the man from prisons believe dat does still wuk, he tell the gurl “lemme put the head in” , he might up in the same prison he headin’….stupidness contagious.

The old Sharma must be so proud dat the apple ent fall far from the tree, how many stand up comics can one fambily produce? Eddie Murphy son cayn even crack a joke and look how “sharmaisms” could mean CN or JS… #inthejeans

The President went to Parliament and performed the “Nae nae” plenty “watch me, watch me” while he doing the “stanky leg” wid a hefty pay raise, banna not fooling anybody, he could cuss Venezuela from now till the cows come home, dem ent risking a juridical settlement and there is nothing we or he could do about that, so what was the point of all that hot air you ask?... It was to deny the opposition a chance to present the motion to negate the pay raise, now the chronicle screaming “opposition MP’s mum on pay raise”…SMFH. 

*THE OUTRAGE IS REAL AND IS GOING NOWHERE!!!!!

“Who Bex drink Marvex”

“Who Bex drink Marvex” …Anon.

Everbady vex, vex, bad bad , so naturally the Guysnooze editor sent the trusty reporters into the malls, streets, dangerous alleyways and even more dangerous mini-buses to ascertain the mood of the people and what exactly was causing this anger in our dear land.

We begin with Samantha (not her real name) traveling on a mini-bus on the east bank towards GT.

GZ: excuse me miss, I could not help but hear you suck yuh teeth repeatedly as you checked your smartphone (saying smartphone gets people to talk to you easier)

Samantha: well yuh damm fass wid yuhself, (sucks teeth) ..but ah might as well tell you and the WHOLE bus (looks around challengingly) well, lemme tell you , I bex bad , bex that NCN  and the town council ease up on the name and shame, I  dress up totally on fleek and drop litter from top of regent street to bottom, I ent get ketch and no picture on NCN or facebook,

GZ: why would you want to get caught littering?

Samantha:  like you stupid! Yuh ent see Amamda from betta hope geh nuff marrid offer from new yark and dem men dropping panty in Kissoon Street like Sisqo, sheer Tong ta tong tong tong, then lass nite a pandit come an’ offer she free ‘jaray” service to tek way the shame, he bring he own lickker and cigarettes, dowm the end deh she did really repenting and hollerin’ fuh gawd , so I did hoping fuh fall in pon the fame littering brings… but like they racial…stweeps ….

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We then passed by the parliament buildings where we found the much maligned Financial Zwar  Brassy holding court or forth to anyone who would listen that he was innocent of everything he had ever been accused of, in between talking Brassy frequently bellowed “Jai-paul hyuh mudder come” , this sounded suspiciously like the lyrics of a calypso by Crazy so no questions were deemed necessary.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 As usual there was a protest going outside the parliament, lo and behold, Freddy pon the picket line again, Guysnooze just had to ask why.

GZ: Fredswhal  yuh look lil hot under the collar deh, we could talk to you?

Freddy: of course , anybody could talk to Freddy, but Freddy is angry, you might not like the things you hear…

GZ: is wha’ mekkin’ yuh vex now chief?

Freddy: is the government, they are oppressing the proletariat, they have become just like Stalin!

GZ: Stalin???  … not Hitler?

Freddy: they have betrayed the people; we elected Caretakers not Paytakers (starts chanting).

GZ: anyway Freddy, the editor wanted to know something important from you.

Freddy: anything! I am an open book!

GZ: Ahm (reading from paper)what kind of hair dye you using and what if any other products are you using?

Freddy: tell that fat skunt to fuck off, dis is me natural hair (sputters in outrage)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Next we ran into the Educated minister, who also had a scowl on his face (what a day!)

GZ: Minister, Minister! Our readers would like to know what would make you scowl on pay day?

Min Woofert: I am vexed, the Christians hogging the prayers in schools, Shano and Buddiasm are never given a look in” I just had meetings with the head of the Pan African jaguars who said “they praying to White jesus only , not a prayer to Black Jesus”  so I will be working to correct this immediately.

GZ: In a follow up by telephone asked the heads of various other religious organizations for their thoughts.

 Swami Sumtingordeeodder: ade bapre , who is wanting to be praying can be praying, god in in the head, the godhead, Jesus, Rama, same difference ..samjay? nahie samjay?

Imam Khan: Jesus is one of the prophets of Islam, so we have no problems, who is stirring up religious strife where none exists?

Who then should we see , but the Minister of Diwali and other Insecurities.

GZ; minister, could you tell us ….

Cecil: go to hell, don’t bother me now!(storms off)

GZ: ahm, bodyguard guy, is wha’ happen to we bai ? usually he gat time fuh we…

BG: bai, a pandit visit the man lass nite and “Jaray” he hard hard…he ent talking to nobady since…

========================================================================

Guysnooze was granted a 2 minute interview with none other than the President, who , despite being labeled the new Kabaka and also enjoying a pay hike was also in a foul mood.

President: of course I am angry, is dis set of pooknars I got wukkin for me! Dem tek pay raise, cayn explain it and den drop it on me, I did going good, nagas and joe did tekkin’ all the blame fuh everything till now, but no!  dat skunt had to go and say “trust me”… now Ralphie bai talking about “Honeymoon over”  and I was just about to announce our ‘Back to the Future” plan, where we take Guyana back to 1979 and implement all the failed ideas but mek dem wuk dis time….

GZ: suh why ya’ll really raise ya’ll own pay?

Presi: is cause dis seta pooknar ent know fuh thief yet! We paying them to learn on the job, look the one get ketch trying fuh beam up 3.2 million fuh a land deal, Hardman ups he but then we realize that if we did not take action some of we would end up in jail later, is jus time till we figure out how the PPP bannas dem did doing it.

GZ: and if it turns out that they was jus’ small timing ….or you can’t figure it out?

Presi: well den is annoder raise, brother got to grate that cheese!

GZ: so ya’ll used to say the PPP was ‘canecutters on a hustle” wha’ yuh would call yuhselves?

GZ: (we get throw out by the Brother on a Hustle)…sigh…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well it was on to the House of Cards (3) in Robbs Street, where Comrade Rotee was expressing his disappointment with the Government for not opening a Law school, now yuh woulda think that having Anell around woulda cure the longing for more lawyers, but dis banna head hard hard…  the day ended on a better note as we caught up with former president whats his name who was laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face.

GZ: care to share the joke sir?

DR: bai, I jus’ get served a lawsuit by “bounce check” Mozart, fuh one Trillion dollars, the man ina class of he own, I did callin’ Onrico fuh share the story, but you could tek exclusive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Mozart wait the six months for bounce check prosecution to expire tho...#billions

Top Ten ....mek dat Fifty.

Top Ten ....mek dat Fifty.

Another week in Guyana and we have learned many new things, despite rumors that the old heads at Guysnooze are too hard to larn new tings, the new government is intent on teachin' yuh grandmother to suck eggs (as if pensioners could afford eggs!) , some of dese lessons come via the larning channel or the taxpayer wallet, easy lesson really is good fuh dunce, #itistime for the ….

Top Ten things we learned this week.

10. The penny now drop under Conversation tree.

9. Harmon used to pay he staff fat.

8. Job creation is up, People Militia, Army Reserve, National Service… #KONY

7. The “Bring back Hammie” campaign was successful. 

   

6. Cabinet counting like Anansi, five fuh you, fifty fuh me….

5. Trotie shows that there is no right way to ask fuh a “trust fuck”.

4. D’ Pope Impersonator (DPI) has been sidelined #SCANDALOUS

3. Amanda from Better Hope getting’ rush…. #namenoshame

2. No need to tief …wen yuh cud tek all yuh want.

1. “Because Fuck you that’s why “ is now policy.

*Stop sending requests for Amanda’s digits #turntup 

Pay! Pay! Pay!

Pay! Pay! Pay!

(bitch better have my money riddim)

Pay! Pay! Pay!

Mr. Worldwide!

Got ma’ suit , ma’ shiny shoes

Duty free car is up to mark

My pay is fat! Fat! Fat!

Now lookin’ for these auditors

To jail all and sundry

Bitch betta find dat money

Befoe the voters get mo’vex

Bitch betta find dat money

Sharma talkin’ all dat trash

 he kno’ who stealin’ wat

bitch betta find dat money

allegations flyin’ lef an’ right

Got chatree laying down chat,

like brrap! Brrap! Brrap!

Sayin’ we lookin’ to distractify

From our own mis-chievous-ness

We have no apology

Bitch pay us fat! Fat! Fat!

You know we deserve it!

Com’on Ram

Bail us out

On you we dependin’

Where those bulging bank accounts

You been gagging on about

For ten years now

You been hummin….

Time is now for you to be cummin!

Don’t act like you forgot!

Dumb boy and the parrot

Droppin’ it

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Pay raise is cannon fodder

Soilder boy sendin’ us to die

On the tv screen

“Trust us” we be Snowballin'

No Apologies said the Colonel

No need to justify

What we have done! Done! Done!

Put all our energy into

DISTRACTIFY

Lay charges like wap! Wap! Wap!

Put diwali on the wrong day

Oh Snap! Snap! snap!

Remind people of slap and strip

Cuz it looks like they forgot!

Look that OIL is cummin’

Exxon jus’ stopped hummin’

Anyting to make this talk

About pay! pay !pay!

Go away , way! way!

Pay us , we deserve it!

Pay us , we deserve it!

*when the OIL start flowing the ress ah yall gon get pay raise ....

Trust Me! ...The Cockman's Refrain

Trust Me! ...The Cockman's Refrain

Trust Me!... The Cockman's Refrain

Yesterday in a Guysnooze “exclusive” we were able to share a transcript of the Cabinet meeting to make the 50% raise of pay a reality, this action caused quite a stir in the Ministry of Manna, of course a meeting was called and a committee established to determine the mistakes made and chart a course forward.

Committee Meeting

Bullcon: folks, we have to have a name for this committee, any suggestions?

Cecil D’Leon: The committee for the justification of enormous remuneration.

Bulcon: excellent! Now to the bizness, our main task is to make the issue “go away”, we can do various justifications and as a back-up plan, have a few distractions lined up, dats the plan.

Patto: we could lef two koker door open, and say the PPP koker men was drunk and asleep!

Bulcon: banna, we ent even do the justification exercise yet!

Patto: Look leh we be honest, they ent got no justification, leh we move to distractify , I could arrange a flood quicker than Noah could put on he buckta!

Hardman: Flood in dry season? …of all the cock-eyed schemes! We would get killed by the bad publicity!

Woofert: well we could send you to APOLOGIZE!

Bullcon: calm yuhselves, let’s work on the excuses..ahm, justifications… I mek a short list …

1. Blame Jagdeo and the PPP , I know, predictable, but it worked before, 2. We say it is part of the Clean up campaign, we supporters like the clean up efforts, in fact is all they gat fuh talk about, not jobs or business creation, so we say we “clean out” the treasury…

Ammnat Drunk: look, leh we tell dem that the  Baby needs new shoes!

Greenish: . Bae also needs new shoes….and new drawsey too, I rip one up wid mih teeth lass nite! 

Trustie: look, leh we keep it simple cauze the people stupid, leh we jus’ tell dem fuh “trust we”

Hardman: heh heh, like how Lil Johnny did "trust you" eh? ...hope yuh doan do the public wha' yuh do he, hahahah....arite, you go tell dem duh, I ent coming, I think most people prickle wid me, I gonna lie low fuh now.

Trustie: wah' I do Lil johnny eh? 

Hardman: fus' yuh mek he gag, then yuh get he gagged! 

Patto: I ent believe the rass I hearing hey, look ya’ll want to play by Marquis de Queensury rules, I seh we play by marquis de Shaftsbury rules , mek up two bogus charge pon jagdeo and all attention will divert, mek some wild claims that the DEA got right to sarch and seize anybody ting, extradite without process an' ting...

Hardman: the DEA could do duh?

Patto: meeno? I thought you would know…

Mustachio: I better check pon duh, me clients dem is depend on me , ah mean mih former clients.

Ammnat Drunk: leh we mek another Venezuela crisis,  do a video with all the ministers singing Not a blade of grass! Give Nartan two drink an’let he loose, dat would do the trick!

Patto: any ideas from the Dumbass Public Informant?

Nagas: If I want ideas or opinions from the DPI , I does give dem to he, understand? the fat skunt think he is "Olivia Pope" he idea of crisis management is to eat eggball and buse pon facebook, he gon only mek ting woserus....

El Presidente: All of you keep calm, as soon as Rotee or Grandalall make a statement , the people will rush to defend us, it's a knee jerk reaction to those jerks....we are going to weather this storm and then we will do as comrade Patto says, Shaftsbury rules!

Bullcrap: Mr. P, we doing our best to keep you out of this, we doan wan' dem callin' you a Coal Pot dictator like He Who Shall Not Be Named.

El Presidente: that reminds me....ah makking Ulady the High Commissioner to England... let it be decreed as such...Joe...fix up.

Knowell: I will ask the farmers to grow more sheeps and goats!

El Presidente: You raise livestock jackass! ....but go ahead, once you mention Goats dat banna in Robb Street will gah fuh respond....


Hardman: All rise , his Excellence is leaving the room.

Bullcrap:well I guess duh is duh...meeting adjourned.

*Editor’s Note: “Trust me!” is a new brand of sex lube or wha' ?

50% Bigger is hard to take…

50% Bigger is harder to take…

In the USA dem like fuh seh “bigger is better” but in the real world most housewives can tell you “Bigger is harder to take” and so it is, dis pay raise bizness lil hard fuh swallow said one senior un-named source at the Denied Pay Increase (DPI) office today (they gat more than one person wukkin deh?)

Now some of you may know that the Guysnooze chief is a carpenter who often likes to point out that Jesus was also a carpenter, what some Cuban carpenter has to do with anything in Guyana you ask? Everything! You see according to the constitution, the real one not the “Humming buh enn Cumming one”  cabinet makes the decisions on spending, now carpenters make the best cabinets in which to hide listening devices for the odder kinda Cabinet meeting, we are not sayin’ we did, we not sayin’ we didn’t …but this recording surfaced ….

CABINET DISCUSSION BEFORE PAY RAISE

El Chapo aka “Weekend President” : Members of the cabinet I call you here at this late hour to discuss a most important crisis facing our government …

Min. Rolex: Invasion! Venezuela! ow gawdd! (dives under table) tell dem venoes ah gon give dem citizenship! Free too!, not like dem chinee who gat fuh pay fat!

Hon. Mustachio: Comrade, come out from under there, and stop eating that buns, let the record show that the minister was eating under a two foot table…

El Chapo: I sure the table higher dan dat!, but getting back to the crisis, is mih wife, you see she just see how much dem bai getting pay for Commission of Inquiry and she stark kreckin’ , say we living in poverty compared to dem COI bais, and I should retire and get a COI wuk instead, suh battam line is she wan’ build an annex in the house, raise the floor like the Youyamma Manna, and put new roof an’ ting…

Min Bounty:  yes, we could all do wid an increase…

Min, Hardman: hey you! Yes,you!  the quicker picker upper…. is nah lass week we ketch yuh tekkin 3.2 fuh some land in providence? I warnin’ yuh…nex’ time we ketch yuh …we gon tek double shares…. Be honest in the future comrade, now siddung and shut up! (mutters)Great Scot!, some people have the nerve…

Minister who nobody knows: I like this idea very much.

Minister Pattwa: how much we talking?

El Chapo: 10…. 15%?

Ammnot Drunk  Ally: it’s the midnight hour , I want more, more, more, …..you get me outta my bed, I want mo, mo, mo…

Min. Cecil De Leon: I need to redo my office, some people complaining…(look at katty darkly) …25%?

Ammnot Drunk  Ally: it’s the midnight hour , I want more, more, more, …

Tourist Minister: well next year is the 50^th anniversary ….. so maybe #itistime for a 50% increase..

Ammnot Drunk  Ally: it’s the midnight hour , I want more, more, more, …

Hardman: shet up! Kats yuh right, 50 for 50, I like it…

Tourist Minister: and we could incorporate into the celebrations next year may, leh we be honest, is nat independence we celebrating, is we first year in power, so leh we give the “50” in the logo some real meaning!

Min. Pattaw: I protest! The president said the nation was jaguars being led by jackasses!, I not in this…

Min. Woofert: bai! Siddung and shut up, yuh ent see we logo gat a blind jaguar on it…. So it has to be led, better to be a well paid jackass….

Cecil De Leon: all this F*&ing Jaguar talk, allyuh Kerry yuh mudder…(interrupted)

Min. of sumtingordeeodder: What about the public? Remember Burnham did seh “This party started as a working class party and will never give up fighting for the workers; we will never, and can never, forsake them; the moment we do, we had better arrange for our political funeral”….

Min. Woofert: banna, ress yuhself…we ent bringing back Burnham!, by the way, ah hear we bringing back hammie tho, ah hear he is head of housin’ plannin’ sumting?

Hardman: yeah, he gah fuh decide whe’ fuh put the “no dumping” signs, because dat is whe’ people gon dump everything… plus he gon push recycling, he heself recycled plenty time…

El Chapo: ok, ok, so we going with the 50 for 50? Ok, good, any other bizness…

Ammnot Drunk  Ally: it’s the midnight hour , I want more, more, more, …

El Chapo: somebody fine a man fuh dis ol’ so and so… meetin’ adjourned.

*Burnham quote is real, not so sure about the rest, will ask Anil to authenticate.

Old Pervert’s Day & odder News

Old Pervert’s Day & odder News

What a week!  It started with raises and got harder, our story on Pay Raises drew the ire of one sexygenarian , who wrote a testy or feisty letter to the editor reproduced below

 Dear Mr. Snooze,

I wish to confound, oppose, debunk and disagree (dey got any big words lef?) with your postulation that "Self Raise is no Praise".

When one reaches a certain age it is the quintessence of achievement when one can possess the self-raising capacity/ability/skill without a chemical auxillium - irrespective of the pill's shape or color (triangular blue preferred). 

You may now take the matter in hand and practise the self-raising techniques and praise (your)self with a simulated(?) orgasmic ooh! aah! (like the Dumb Boy and Parrot in the Calypso).

Sexy Septuagenarian (S.S)

Our editor, not a man to be easily coffuled , had to resort to the Google for the meaning of “auxillium” (…look it up yuh damm self…. Wha I look like? Yuh mudder….eh eh! ) reported to staff that investigative journalism had led him to an audience with the big sawaki from OP  who also debunked the article (read “put he in he place) . “it was interesting to read your doggyrell on pay raises, but you got the facts confused, there exists a vast difference between “Public Servants” and “Public SAVANTS” , servants is like dem who does teach and out fire an’ ting, Savants is dem Like Dat Puppet Imrant (DPI) and Genius Johnson, the writer , now they are well paid, so we decided that Ministers should make more than them, they are already insufferable, imagine life with them making more than you..” … our editor was suitably chastised and made humble apologies.

It has been that kind of week for us…. When we enquired of the Minister Of Continuity about the lack of “Transparency” regarding the appointment of Dr. Rip Van Westie to the water place, he replied “you idiot! , of course he was appointed transparently, …T..R…A…N= tran or through, parent= yuh father,mudder, …family, the man get the wuk through he fadder in law……. Trans-parent enough for you, AND..AND (he shouted) he brings CONTINUITY from then to now.”

At the Red House gathering yesterday our reporter (and I think everyone else) were pleasantly surprised to understand what Dr. Lunchman was sayin’, seriously, after years of coffuffling  we skites, turning obfuscation into an art form, the good doctor suddenly start speaking plain English… wonders never cease.  

In odder news, a game of “hide and seek” was mistakenly confused with “hide the sausage” and this led to the tragic death of a young mother and the arse-wipe that killed her.

Rice farmers were told that there was a misunderstanding about the government , money and rice…”Money sharing LIKE rice, not FOR rice” said the Minister of Fine Ants.

In much happier news, furniture Giants “Coats” had an Old perverts day , all dem girl dress up in school uniform, said one old man “it HARD enough fuh mek the monthly installments, now dese girls in School Uniform is like Old man Kryptonite” another said, I come in hey peacefully and now I end up buying a new bed, I doan even need one, is a sex trick! And of course the Guysnooze editor mek it he duty to ask all dem gyal if they think naughty schoolgirls should be spanked…. He need some bail money if ya’ll wan’ help out…

*Temporary Editor’s Note: Calls to Jenny for help wid the bail money went unanswered.

Self Raise is No Praise.

Self Raise is No Praise.

What a week this is turning out to be! Guysnooze staffers who were on “siesta” because the place so darn hot, were roused from their collective slumber by an irate public who kept gagging on about “pay raise” blah blah… now good people of Guyana…ya’ll know the place too hot to sip tea and most of ya’ll can’t afford popcorn, so stop posting that ‘yuh sippn’ tea” or “grabs popcorn” , truth is we is tennis roll and cheese nation with the affluent among us opting for a Butter-flap, so sit allyuh “Dry Dan” arse down and read the Guysnooze Self Raise is No Praise edition.

Btw...On the subject of Popcaan…we understand “Popcaan: Jail is the place to move yuh waist” concert has been sold out, we staying far….

So we get to the “pay raise” and the subsequent press conference by the One Minister to Rule them all, Comrade Hardon:

Gsz: Cde. Minister, do you believe such a hefty increase in pay by the Awhee Pay Now Unlimited +Abby Fat Cats (APNU+AFC) Government can be justified in a contracting economy?

Min H: of course, look the buck people we contract to build back the Benab tekking 66 million fuh some troolie and lil’ wood, that is more than 3 times the salary of the Prime Minister! So doan tell me no rass ‘bout “contractors and contracting, why jus’ lass weekend me and Beekay wen to Rio and the prices for ass were asstronomical ! this lil raise I getting will help pay for the other ‘raise” I does get, if yuh know what the rock is cookin’…(winks)

Gsz: you went Brazil ?

Min H: you sailin’ or wha? Look, in response to these questions about our raise in pay, the government is preparing a series of billboards to inform the public, the Directed Puppet of Information (DPI) has prepared samples for your perusal (displays the infamous  Rohee middle finger picture with the slogans :

• ·         Yuh want we to thief?
• ·         Take dat you Jaguars
• ·          Sheep Power
• ·          You did Vote for Change
• ·         PPP thief too!
• ·         Make hay while the sun shines
• ·          Rotate!

Gsz: so, Minister, are you saying that the electorate are Jaguars led by Sheep?

Min H: of course! I am merely repeating what our head honcho said months ago, in fact , one of the Jaguars followed our Minister of Curfews so closely that he ended up as a skin on the office wall!

Gsz: Minister, you claimed in an earlier conference that Attorneys in your office were paid $500,000 per month, but when contacted by Guysnooze for comment most said ‘nat me, musse some odder attorney” one said that “Joe hand tight but he mouth slack” and none have declared such large incomes to the GRA in fact the average tax declaration of your former office is $70,000 per month and the average tax paid is $9000 per month, do you have a reply to this?

Min H: $9000 per month, dem was overpaying  the thiefin’ PPP! (storms out).

Immediately the Guysnooze reporters were called to another press conference in Robb Street, where we found Cde.Rotee complaining  about uncompensated use of his infamous “middle finger” picture by the Collation Government,. Said Rotee, “why dey doan use they own fingers? Maybe if they did we would see the crumbs from the cookie jar they bin dippin in” , when advised that it was bad form to end a sentence with a preposition, Rotee responded, I ent ask nobody fuh nuttin, the only proposition I mek is to mih wife, many years ago when I was a mere lad sitting at the feet of the great leader CBJ, anyways ya’ll reporter women does talk too much fuh get proposition to. …we gave up…. Rotee further stated his batta---ahm…his cadre of lawyers would be suing the government , then in a bombshell announcement he also said that the newly formed Goat News Network would also be sued for copyright infringement for its name, Cde. Rotee said everyone “knows” that he is the “goat” man “everybody knows I am the Greatest Of All Time” he posited, everywhere I go, people shout out ‘GOAT man”, Guysnooze concedes this point as fact and his press conferences ARE known as Goat news … when we asked  Cde. Rotee greatest what? He answered with the copyrighted finger, when told that the editor of Goat News Network was a Ram, he said there was a big difference between a Ramgoat and a sheepish Ram. 

Again we were asked to rush over to another presser, where a visibly upset your Ram was holding court or holding forth.. upshot is now Ram has threatened to file private criminal charges of Public Obscenity against the good comrade, claiming that the length of the man finger is ‘Obscene”. We will be following the litigation and will keep you informed,

* Dese Fat cats ent stupid, dem mek the raise public when the sun too hot for protest.

Man inserts vagina…WTF!

Man inserts vagina…WTF!

We at Guysnooze have realized that Guyana needs a translator, not the language, the mentality, as we fren’ in foreign like fuh seh… “allyuh ent understand budday” … well, we have become fed up of the situation, today Freddy’s column began with a man inserting a vagina???...we gave up and hired a translator… fat lotta good it did us… the man tek one look at the article and tell we “I doan speak jackass”… so we fire he skites, after all, that seems to be a major language group ya-suh.

Our poor reporters were forced to come up with translations to recent headlines and news items, a sampling of which we provide below, the Freddy ting has been left untouched least he says we molested him.

Headline: Moses goes on leaf.

Translation: Somebody else get to be President this weekend.

Headline: DeePeePee sends files of XYZ case back to police

Translation: Offer low… but negotiations underway.

Headline: Suriname’s New River claim spurious…Greenshirt

Translation: Me ent kay who tek bribe from the sweet drink people from Suriname, I not giving in to blackmail.

Headline: Guyana will seek peaceful resolution to border crisis.

Translation: What were the other choices? Stueeps….

Headline: New US envoy accredited

Translation: Fat bai geh fuh tek lil ress now.

Headline: Govt not to blame for XYZ problem.

Translation: Is PPP fault…go protest by Robb Street.

Headline: Rape accused Pandit flees.

Translation: He like gih “jaray” but he nah wan’ tek ahm.

Headline: Bappo prepares for first session as Windies coach

Translation: WICB “jarays” Simmo.

Headline; Greenshirt says economy was anemic since 2014

Translation: No Confidence Motion had consequences---duh…

Headline: Greenshirt: Venezuela's oil must pass through the Caribbean and the Caribbean has never let us down.

Translation: HE off he meds…

Headline: Geenshirt: Venezuela has withdrawn its troops at the border

Translation: Big party by Camp Ayangana tonight! (Really happened).

After all this hard work by our dedicated staff, the editor called a meeting and laid it out in plain English as only he can, “look lads and ahm lass…run a sandwich fuh yuh bai nuh… ah yes, look, if the article in Chronicle nobody will read it, so doan worry bout dem, if it in Times, then is the guvment fault, if it in Kochoe, then is Jaggy fault, is he do we dis duh or dee odder, dem about to jail he blah blah, dem doan mek no sense, they aiming for the "life pun dee Dam crowd… btw...da man ent shame fuh mention pumpkin? Neway, duh is duh, Stabber trying fuh be a real newspaper and ridin’ middle of the road, so dem id who we need to wuk wid…

But after the meeting …Dem bai seh… nah me..dem bai,,,dat how the Editor only praising up Stabber ‘cause it printing he letter dem, wait till they stap.

*Editor’s Note to self: Find and fire the kachar who add the last piece deh.

Relegation Blues

Relegation Blues

Oh woe is Mo’

Smiling one’s a’ scowling now

Those third year lows

Layin’ hard on him

Champs to chumps

A single season dump

That’s as hard to take

As it is to shake         

he got those frigin’ fraggin

Chelsea facin’

Relegation baaa-luessss

Red Devils are laughing

At Falcao not performin’

Joe-say you’re just a man

Not a magician

That bird will not fly

And to add to your woes

John is no longer Terry-fying

Joe’s less of a Hazard

He too got dem chicken-chokin’

Friggin fragin

Chelsea facin’

Relegation baaa-lueese

So when the Saints came marchin’ in

Your title hopes went

Flyin’ out

Mane painted a picture

Of your pitiful plight

Pelle put a point on it

One your fans saw that night

Many left before the end

Blues of the beaten blues

They too got them

Joe-say smokin’

Fricken fracken

Chelsea facin’

Relegation baaa-luees

Soon the boss is gonna call

Try tellin’ him

It’s not your fault

The players have been talkin

To the press behind your back

A mole in the dressin’ room

He may call you the paranoid one

And drop the axe on you

Then there would be nothing to do

But watch the inevitable come tru---

Champions to the championship

Cuz…you got…. the fans got…Abramovich got…

That crazy feelin’

The blue donkey cart’s reelin’

Chelsea facin’

Relegation baaa-lueees!

*Haterz take a bow.

If is WAR they want….

If is WAR they want….

Is war they gon get!  These fighting words from well now Guyanese Facebook bullies (not to be confused with coolie bullies) …” the Venoes have bitten of more than they can chew this time, compadres!” Shouted Guysnooze Editor- in -Chief (war time title)

We are working assiduously with all citizens to repel this threat to our sovereignty, and as such have been gathering suggestions and making war plans for months, well …some days now. It is up to us the citizens of Guyana to fight, we were also invited to the War room to discuss said plans with the big cheeses in the army, coast guard and guvment, the following is a redacted for security purposes transcript of the meeting.

Prime Minister: All rise for El Presidente!

El P: Don’t call me that, sounds spanishy, El jefe will do nicely thank you.

GZ: boss, dis is not the time for niceness, them venoes tekkin’ dey eye pass we, we got to…(interrupted)

EL J: yes, I understand your patriotism and commend it, at least you got plans, that jackass Benchkak declare war without consultation! One day somebody gon cuff he in he (redacted) mouth, but that’s another matter, I have some questions about these plans of your, for instance, none involve the GDF?

GZ: yea…. in all the planning, great care was taken not to harm any Venoes, last thing we want is to get them angry, dat gat dead in it, we barely got people, we cayn be deadin’ needlessly, is brains we need, not brawn. Samjay? Good ….and leh we be honest, dem GDF banna got enough worries with seawall CG bandits….

El J: so what is the Cow Shit Scenario you got on this list?

GZ: well El Zapata, is where we send Cow Shit and some GRA to the barder to tax maduro soilder dem, we know he brucks , so when Cow Shit drop the duty pun dem old war tank and water taxis…oh sorry “gunboats” , we will stop dem in they tracks literally.

El J: if they don’t stop Cow Shit wid two rocket fus, not bad..but what about the suggestion for dialogue…

GZ: aha, yes El Comandente, the Chow Pow –Pow Wow plan would involve sending stale joke specialist Chow Pow to parley vous spanyol wid dem Henerals , dem old no sk(redacted)unt, so we expect many will dead while waiting fuh he to “land the plane” …so to speak.

El J: and the Ghetto Barbie plan? Do we send her to seduce the generals?

GZ: no El Gran Senor! , we sen’ she fuh thief the boats, planes, war tank, water tank, payroll, anything that not nail down she could mambo! Dat gurl could thief dirt from under yuh fingernail! She on-fleek!

El J: hmm…well I am not interested in the “life pun dee dam” plan, figure it involves Mosely, I  have an exclusive with Ma-likes…so you understand….

GZ: perfectly El Cappuccino ! Now should we discuss the (lowers voice to whisper) Amnot Ally Nuclear option?

El J: (whispering) I friken to ask… yuh tink she cud hear we? Why we don’t talk about my plan to use these professional protestors as front line fighters? I was a Brigadero yuh know! And my Toilet paper distraction plan also has merit!

GZ: El Chiefo….you and I both know that the Amnot Ally Nuclear option is the only real hope we got of defeating the venoes and preserving the grand and glorious cooperative republic.

El J: essentially yes, but my fear and I believe you share it too, is how do we put her back in the box once we unleash her terror?…

GZ: El Wizardo, with all due respect, what choice do we really have, we send her to the border with a loud speaker and one of her even louder dresses, she got the “krazy nani” look down perfect, once she start hallerin’ pun dem venoes like she used to haller pun poor Alicock, ‘what are you doing there” “get out of here now” “I did not say you could speak”…well we all know the venoes will crumble in the face of…well …that …FACE…. I expect an outbreak of vomiting and diarrhea not to mention the instant death of libido… yuh know dem spanish man like they C(redacted)ock, jus’ like we bai Hardman, it would devastate dem ….horrible horrible….

El J: (shudders) when she returns victorious… look , it remains the “NUCLEAR” option, we never speak of it again! , I am convinced that we better start talking to Maduro before we contemplate that fate worse than death for those poor men, after all , we men must stick together despite coming from different countries. (shudders again)

GZ: well El Papas Fritas, there is nothing left to discuss, remember to use the GDF to secure the “passa passa” pun the line top and flush dem CG bandits outta South….

Prime Minister : All stand, El Cha…ahm, the borse leaving….

El J: PM…do something about the Rubis gas station shirt yuh wearing…tek me example nuh, wear one color all the time …. Nah all color one time…

Social Cohesion, Unity and Normalization Talks

 Social Cohesion, Unity and Normalization Talks

Guysnooze reports today from the wonderful initiative of the glorious new government of the republic to have Social Cohesion, Unity and Normalization Talks with opposition members and other parties who have “hate” issues, “we want to interact with the haters, so we decided to do SCUNT as a means of breaking the ice” said the PM upon announcing the conference, actually this was what the Minister of the President said that the PM said to him upon being told there would be a conference. Well it sure sounds like the SCUNT is going to go like the name suggests, the Guysnooze editor was able to wrangle a seat at the table because he is a well known hater, he reports….

The conference began sharply at 10 AM at the David Arthur Chung Conference Center, the chairman of the SCUNT initiative addressed us all:

Chairman PM: As a Judicial Officer, Prime Minister, Weekend President and all around juk-about, I welcome you haterz to the first round of SCUNT, I will read the names of the eenvited attendees and state the main hatred they have so that we may help our brothers and sisters to heal; …Freddy : You may think he is here because he hates Indians, but he has a greater hate, journalistic integrity! , yuh know, where you have to use actual sources and not jus’ mek shit up an’ seh “a man tell me suh an’ suh”…Benkark: again you would think that he hates Indians, not so! He hates Jumbies! Doan laff, all abby gat prablems… GECON Chairman: who hates reporters who ask asinine questions repeatedly ….Ajay B: Hates Blackout…. Ahm, we are going to ask this gentleman to leave, his presence alone causes blackout, one time I only chattin wid the man pun the facebook and baddam!, abby transfarmer blow!,Minister Am No Ally: who hates not knowing what her job title means…Mayor Glean: who hates clean… KrisRom: who hates former presidents…Former President Jaggy: who hates KrisRom… Cricketer Channerpal : who hates lines and questions from Immigration Officers And last but not least the editor of Guysnooze, who hates smooth road, sirens, gas in the president tank, the tax man, bai, is anybody or anything you doan hate? Doan answer, I now yuh hate questions …

PM: Now you people can have a seat…..hey! Jaggy nat there , duh is me seat yuh coolie bully, yuh feel me is dem blackman yuh could shove oneside?  Siddung nex’ to KrisRom. This canfrence mus’ end in resolution to all hate so I have decided we gon talk nuff ,SCUNT is all about talk, but if dat doan work, I got the pandit outside wid nuff tequila and cigarettes fuh “jaray” the hate outta ya’ll.

Guysnooze Editor: Honorable Excellency Prime Minister, I congratulate you on having this SCUNT initiative and feel it has worked wonders for my perspective, I realize how petty I have been, please turn on yuh siren in abby street at anytime, I am cured, one love all, peace out! 

*editors note: I was not sticking around fuh the inevitable “jaray” session, but having left one of our secret recording devices inside, will get the 411 to reader’s at a later date.