Joe Jett and the Cochores

Joe Jett and the Cochores 

Big things a gwan! … Bands, Singers, songwriters, dancers an’ ting coming for the big Jubilee Concert at the Big Flag Park or whatever its called, Guysnooze is doing its part by sharing the line-up to stir interest and get people all hyped up! 

Jubilee Concert Lineup and (famous songs)

·         Patto and the Spike Nails (‘We built dese bleachers from rotten wood’ and ‘We drained dis City’)

·         Kwame MacFboy (‘Time longer than twine’ , ‘bruck, bruck, bruck the truck’)

·         Shin By Lin (‘Rollin’ in the dough’ , ‘gimme back my Lexus’ , ‘My flen Joe’)

·         Lenny and the signatures (‘Call me Terry’)

·         Rotee and the Goats (‘Monday marning blues’ , ‘hide n’clap’ , ‘No shit on my head’)

·         CeeJay and the No Shame Committee (‘Clueless’ and ‘Not me, is the GCB’)

·         Greenshirt Magoo and the Statements ( ‘I knows nothing’ , ‘Go sin no mo’ , ‘good life for we’)

·         Beekay and the Hurts (‘They done me wrong’ , ‘Who’s whispering in your ear now?’)
·         Sam and The Wardens (‘Leh dem bun’ and ‘Only Jah knows’)

·         Volder and the Family Slyme. (‘Family Business’ and ‘Uncle Lollipop’)

·         Pope Man and the Carnations (‘Swallow’ and ‘Pick up the soap’)

·         Man on a Dam (‘Always on the right side’)

·         Bobby and the CPL Billionaires (‘Fool and his money’ , ‘Got ya Suckers’ , ‘My party, Your bill’ )

All of these delightful acts and of course we saved the best for last, yes people, it’s no other than the super group Joe Jett and the Cochores, fresh from their recent tour of China and Hong Kong, among the hits they are expected to perform are: 5 millions Reasons, Love in a Rickshaw, Flying High, Who will tell the President?, The Dong Song and many more.

*Sadly Glen at the bridge and the Kaieteur Fukups cannot make the party, what a spoiler. 

Lemonshade : Our Interview with the Queen Bae.

Lemonshade : Our Interview with the Queen Bae.

GZ: good afternoon, Bae.

B: wow ! ….nobody told me you were dis sexy in person! Whew is it me or is it hot in here…

GZ: I tink is dat big flouncy dress yuh wearin’, we gat people in GT dat have dese flouncy ways, a banna pon the dam and he fren , from the Department of Public Informants.

B: so to the questions…

GZ: yes, all the mooks out there think that Jaezee give you blow, but leh we be serious… we know any woman wud be relieved if somebody did helping lift dat load.. he Precious kinda looking and man..you gots the foine stuff as advertised! …doan blush baby! Dats how we does chuck it in GT…

B: ok, ok, you got me, but there was infidelity by a man and a woman…

GZ: so yuh sweet man give yuh blow an’ yuh sing a song and throw lemonshade leff rite and center about it…you is the Queen B for sure… and the ‘becky wid the good hair’? a real person or a metaphor?

B: that is for fans to figure out.

GZ: well … I was thinking it could be Lil Kim cuz she’s a hoe…but I see she do some plastic surgery and more like Lil Kim Il Sung now, you see dat?

B: how dat washed up trashy bat still making news?

GZ: back to you, look , yuh look like a nice girl, arse to die for an’ all dat…so why tek man worries…click a finger and replace the banna…snap! snap!

B: wid who tho?

GZ: look dis CD hey…is by a GT banna name Kwasi Ace, is about we “Guyanese Boy” , nuff of we wud sort you out, mek yuh forget what day of the week it is much less wha’ man yuh was wid…then yuh cud sing 'bout GT banna wid the good D...

B: if all look like you it could be a plan!

Interview ended.

Editors notes: I think dis girl lil blind…fus Jaezee, now me… #cokebottlebottoms. and given what making hits in the music world today, I am recommending that Kwasi Ace sing about Chicken Salad, because if life gives you chickens , yuh cud make chicken shit or chicken salad.#chikensalad

For you that have not heard Guyanese Boy here’s the link.

Conversation with Guyana

Conversation with Guyana

Hey Guyana, how yuh going girl? Long time no see, what’s been going on with you?

Well boy, is like this, ah leff mih mother house in ’66 , married to man that was full of ambition for us, he and I formed a great alliance to take on the world and we did, for a short time we were good at it, but then the world fought back and the realities of doing business set in, we made great children though, tough, bright innovative young men and women, but we couldn’t provide opportunities and many left seeking jobs overseas, them doing good yuh know, really making us proud.

I did hear when yuh fuss husband dead, was big news…

Yes, he had a lot of good ideas and we business laid plenty foundations…but he did lil wrong and strong , not a great manager, more of an ideas man, so we did really brucks by the time he end up in the hospital…  then he cousin tek over the business and we really perks nicely.

So what happen to he?

Well the children get big and they start making decisions, some democracy nonsense they read in school, so after 28 years of one way of doing things dem encourage fuh get marrid again. I tek a new man , he come wid he own baggage but was a nice change.

He dead right after nuh…

Yeas boy, he crap out early and we had lil hiccups then he nephew tek ova and we went through a good period, business boom, dem seh was Poor people problems we had, but we mek real cheese, then of course the fuss husband chirren start mek bassa bassa…saying them ent getting treat good an’ ting.

Girl, that is human nature…

Yeah, dem start instigate and insinuate that money thiefin’ leff right and center, some of it had fuh be true, ah men when big money deh ‘bout dem got fuh be thiefin’, dem point fingers at all the ‘frens’ who hanging they mouth fuh soup, real tra-la-la

Suh wha’yuh do?

Well bai… is not fuh seh when yuh get older yuh ent got needs..yuh know ..sexually… so I kick out the nephew dem and marrid mih fuss husban’ second cousin.

How dat wukkin’ out?

Is a change fuh sure, since he move in the house, he cleaning, he painting everything Green and yellow till ah sick, he say he working harder and he give heself and management a raise, I know the workers like the fresh paint and clean office, but he ent throw dem a bone fuh chew pon… he and the neighbor who used to give we ting had big quarrel over the position of the fence, big cuss out , the previous bai used to gaff dem out anytime they talk bout whe’ the fence deh, dis one is a bad man he roll up sleeve and talk bout hard slap an’ ting…

So yuh saying he better and ah gat fuh ask ..how the sex at you age?

Bai, me ent think he know nutting ‘bout business, he like a sailor, as fuh the managers, dem like travel, dem tekkin’ liberties with how they walking ‘bout the house and other things too….

So the sex…

Why you stay so eh, everything is sex… (lowers voice) well is sex ah did want and is sex ah getting, I had no idea so much people could sex you one time, I wake up with three of dem in the bed one time, Jo, Hung Lo and Wonk Dong, I ent even think they care I was in the bed, dem was doing they own ting, I was just ah extra hole, and yes, dem is the same frens the pickney dem was complaing ‘bout… the more things change….

So wha’ you doing now?

Bai, I busy busy buying dress an’ ting fuh the party, we tekkin all the money dat we find..yuh know they money dem did say the nephew thief, well we find it in a bank account , well he did really stupit, money is not fuh bank, is fuh bingee, is jubilee time, we swinging like old times.

But yuh putting up for a rainy day and dem chirren school fees an’ ting?

Put up? Look, is we time fuh party now, you sound like Cheddi chirren, broken record baby, dem chirren gon fix dey-self, we just lash out wid a big cricket finals fuh keep the party going , festivity is the ting, once dat happening the rest will sort itself out, and we helping out by giving to charity too.

Which charity? Red Cross?

No man… Caribbean Premiere League, is owned by poor billionaires, dem really need we help.

Girl,me and you is frens long now right? … ah could ask yuh anything right?

Yeah, bai, we safe long now, ask away..

Yuh deh pon drugs? 

Ancestral DNA Test Results

Ancestral DNA Test Results

All it takes is a cotton swab and voila! The DNA result will tell who was really Daddy, Granma’s dirty little secrets and if Mommy slept with Isaac the Bartender on the Love Boat! , The President was first in line to get his inner cheek swabbed…no…silly, inside he mouth…gosh, yall perverted! , we could not access those results are they are classified but not so for the other participants, we got those easy peasy!

The country seems to be infested with relatives of famous people, it’s a veritable Who’s Who up in this bitch! …. But testing was reserved for the big shots in high positions… In a Guysnooze exclusive, we give them to you in unvarnished glory:

Cde. Greenish: 30% Pygmy, 30% Yourba , 40% European, The DNA shows ancient linage to Nopoleon Bornapart , medical problems include ‘short-man syndrome’.

Guysnooze Editor: Another brother from the black hole of Calcutta, distant cousin to Asha Boslay and Rajesh Khanna.  

Lunchman: A direct male-line descendant of Confuseus, not to be confused with Chinese philosopher Confucius … we admit to being confused by this…thinky thing make head hurt…

Minister Rolex: A pure descendant from the Tek-a-Bribe Tribe, no mix blood here. One Ancestor was credited with inventing the sundial and another ,the traffic ticket. #leffsumting

Auntie Amnah:  Maury Povich tek one here! Breaking news!!! Fabio’s love child with Diwali Queen discovered in Guyana !!!……  (Rolex alone cud tek bribe?) #crazynani

Cousin Berry: A member of the Adams family of TV fame, Mother : Wednesday, Father: Corpse with rigor mortis. Prone to delusions, physical defects include ‘raccoon’ eyes.

Cde. Rotee:  A descendant from the Moutar tribe of Eastern Africa, the tribe is known for inflicting verbiage on passersby on Monday mornings, descendants are prone to talking shit and are vulnerable to career ending infections from goat bites.

Afeecoe: 10% Youraba, 10% Wapishana, 100% Blight. A truly ancient family line, Ancestors include Jonah , Typhoid Mary and three Titanic survivors.

Nigel Chronic: DNA results reveal famous family Johan Wolfgang van Goethe and his Brother Scape. 

Min. Mustachio: 1% everything, this DNA mix is usually seen in families with long history of working in the world’s oldest profession, descendants possess high immunity to leak and a proclivity to fare-picking. Womb-broom facial hair is a characteristic of this group. Famous people of this family include Ron Jeremy and John Holmes.

Lady Broomsbee:  50% Kachar, 50% Cochore , family prone to foot-in-mouth disease, natural enemies of the Mustachio tribe, natural born whore catchers, known for snitching.

VoIIIIIII (Redacted): Product of incestuous relationship, file withheld. #familybusiness

NON CEO: DNA proves he is not now or ever was Terry Holder, or related to same. #signature

RumJaguar:  Descended from a Dalitory tribe of rat catchers on he Mooma side, He Dadee was a legendary hunter of El Dorado ( The likker… not the place ) Family talents include great periphery vision and the ability to look in two directions at the same time, never misses a trick …or a drink.

Nahgamuchfuhdo: 100% Nameekaram.  Linked to family that lives on 83,000 sq mile Animal farm.

Citizen Kant: Ancestral grandson of Snowball , family traditionally works with bovine waste. Family medical problems include poor vision and erectile dysfunction.

 Ransom:  Third Cousin twice removed to grandson of English playwright Shakespeare.

Jo Zie Ha Mong : 25% Ashanti, 25% Zulu, 50% Ming dynasty. Family proclivity for procrastination and flying….correction ….F#&king  Lying.

BREAKING NEWS!! 

 In a stunning twist of DNA strands, H.E was declared related to former President Cathar, his DNA (like his actions)show he shares 97.5% with Ramatar, both the PVP and the PNZ are investigating.

Wong Jet

Wong  Jet

Well what a strange day! …it all began wid a call to our news desk… 

GZ: ‘ello, Guysnooze, no news too small  for us or too big for dat matter!

Caller: uhm, I need you to some spin for me, like PR work…

GZ: yeah, yeah, wat yuh gat in mind fuh pay fuh dis service?

Caller: money is no object, what I need is to be your client and uhm confidentiality , you unnerstan?

GZ: yeah, yeah, confidential an’ ting is we middle name.

Caller: well, is like dis, I get skin-up on a lil trip I tek wid some chinee frens, in a private jet , yuh know…dem bannas from shin by lin, and mih boss vex, he expecting ah explanation tomorrow or soon…yuh know, when ah tink about it, ah shoulda know GT people ent got luck wid jet… cash jet man get frig up only the odder day….

GZ: say no more sir, we can do a list of plausible explanations and send for you, once you make a choice, we will start the PR machine and begin the spin cycle!

Caller: Thank you, ahm, Bee will drop your fee by the by…

GZ Editor: “lads, we have a live fish on the hook here, somebody mix we up wid the banna pon the dam, we ent fuh sale , but leh we play the game and see where it goes… let we have a meeting to come up wid a list of possible explanations fuh dis plane trip”

Dear Minister.

Please see attached our Top Ten Explanations for your actions, let us know how you want to skin this cat.

10. We get in Wong Jet.Big mixup...thank god no pictures of Yong Ting tun up,

9. Dis picture was taken at Ogle in BK new plane.

8. All I remember is somebody suggested we go for Chinese dinner, I said yes, and 38 hours later, I eating dog, cat and rat in one fry rice.

7. It is a fotochop by the banna dem fire at karnicle, he getting back at me!

6. China? Why? Because some chinee people in the plane?.... So it had black people…you sure is not Africa, or the fat chick deh…could be India? ..ya’ll racist!

5. It is Another Fotochop Conspiracy to get rid of me! #nameekaram

4. All the other planes in China was full, holiday weekend. Jackie Chan birthday skites!

3. Is dem bitches at NISIL fault, let’s go collect the money they said…

2. I got Roladex watches and odder gifts for all member of the dear press corps, it was cheaper to hire a jet than pay the overweight on KAL, but since is ‘scandal’ I guess ya’ll ent want nuttin… or do you?

1. Is not Shin By Lin, all Chinese look alike to you racist skunts!

*life pon dis dam not for sale.

Daft Code of Conduct

Daft Code of Conduct

Guysnooze has scooped dem all again! , we have obtained the new Daft Code of Conduct for Ministers agreed to at yesterdays’ cabinet meeting, reprinted below:

New Daft Code of Conduct for Guvment Ministers #69

1. Dealing with the Press

1.0 If and when you fuck up, avoid dey skunt!

1.1 If reporters brackle you, tell dem  “Because fuck you that’s why”

1.2 Call The Protest Shop for the ‘tek in front” plan and protest dey skunt!

1.3 Call other Ministers and ask dem to back you up, requires you to share some of the ‘ting’.

1.4 Sharing is Caring , we are a caring guvment.

1.5 Level Expert Only!!!:  Engage in ‘Lunchanese’

2. Corruption Guidelines

2.0 Don’t get ketch

2.1 No fucking selfies on plivate jets  #skinup

2.2 Answer all questions “what money? ...I knows nothing”

2.3 Screen carefully for Cochores

2.4 Avoid thiefin’ petty shit like ol’ cyar and free gas, don’t be a Jenny-ass.

2.5 Inform the President of any ‘business’ appointments etc. #leffhan/ritehan

3. Sex, Lies and Videotape

3.0 Disregard advice of ‘she who will not be named’   Don’t fuck family pickney!

3.1 If you feel Rapey, look at the pickcha of Amnah in ur wallet  #killnature

3.2 It is inappropriate to greet comrades with “wen lass yuh fork ah ting wid a tongue ring?” #mustachio

3.3 Under no circumstance should you be in a room alone wid Lil Johnny #hon.eli.lockhat

3.4 Try not to recommend chile molesters fuh anything…

3.5 Do not put yuh Sweet ‘oman dem on the payroll.

4. Miscellaneous

4.0 In a PR jam, make reference to sinister plots.

4.1 Do not disclose that the guvment paying 500K to rent house for you.

4.2 To deflect criticism or blame, use a name from the Scapegoat list (see appendix A).

Appendix A

Scapegoat List

GCB: Guyana Crooked Bored, has few friends but beware venomous letter writing secretariat.

GECON: (Warning) Chairman can match Confucius or Lunchman in a battle of twisty tongue.

NISIL: Non trusted organization, can be blamed for any financial fuck-up.

GPHell:  Any mention of this entity will distractify populace instantly. Winner of most unpopular entity ever for the last 5 decades.

CARICON: Waste of time and money, useless overpaid skunts.

New Games , More Shade.

More Games, More Shade!

In a follow up to our earlier report on the 50 Games of Shade report , we bring you the latest release from the National Shade Council, New Games , More Shade:

10. Hold everything at the square of the revolution. #inclusionary #socialcohesion.

9. Celebrate the lives of famous Guyanese like "Walter Rodney as a famous Guyanese scientist, inventor of the "Walter talkie".

8. Ask Sooba to say  she has a proclivity quinquagenary, #viralvideo.

7. Play historic games, like "join guyline" "bald the rasta" "catch the breadman" 'hide and clap roti".

6. Let the horse guards trample the crowds for old times’ sake. #authentic.

5. Parade of granddad's army   former army officers in government jobs.

4. Hold a concert (Square of revolution) themed Grandchildren of Slaves, headline Lisa Punch, granddaughter of four parents who were slaves. (Worked for Trump?)

3.  Blame it on the 50 year old Rum or Mouth open story jump out. #resigngate.

2. Game of Cock the Campaign Donor, bigger the donation bigger the shaft.

1. Red Light, Green Light go, if however the President turns around and sees your appointment, well, is instant rescission fuh yuh stupit skunt! .     

Gangsta (BK disrespect riddim)

Gangsta (BK disrespect riddim)

Itz Dj Robbin’

Dj ……….. Robbin’, Dj ……….. Robbin’

Well time come fuh big up weself

It seem bravo forget Guyanese ah champion

Suh time fe we fing we own song

Sing wid me

Everybody know seh Guyanese ah gangsta

We big and bad and we ent fraid danger Grainjah

Beekay is ah gangsta

Hardman is ah gangsta

Chinee man is ah gangsta

(pause)

“Flying gangnam style”

(pause)

All ah dem is gangsta

If yuh name ent call

Doan vex atall

We gon come back to yall

But right now

Is only top shotas

We callin’ out the real gangstas

Velda ah gangsta

Jailbird ah gangsta

Prison warden ah gangsta

Protestor ah gangsta

All ah dem ah run dis ting

New York and London ah gangsta

We history rich wid gangstas

Cheddi was a gangsta

Forbes was a gangsta

Old Jai was a gangsta

Dem fight against the real OG

Elizabeth the Queen Bee

Dem wuk hard to get rid o’ she

Only to see it replaced in time for jubilee

One people one nation one destiny

So leh me hear you sing

All ahwee is gangsta

Skin B.T benn is ah gangsta

Slap and strip berry is ah gangsta

Jaggy is ah gangsta

Nameekaram is ah gangsta

Rumjaguar is ah gangsta

All abedese ah gangsta

GT Fullah gangsta

Berbice fullah gangsta

Coolie man ah gangsta

Blackman ah gangsta

Chinnee man ah gangsta

Come heritage month see dem buckman ah gangsta

We even gat latina American gangsta

…..Thank you lisa….

An’ yes …. Lisa is ah gangsta

Man pon the dam is ah gangsta

Mussollini is ah gangsta

Lil ram is a poke but he fren is ah gangsta

Even we anti-man is gangsta

Big up the brutal crew o’ gangstas

Chronicle reporters ah gangsta

Even the foto-chop mastah anotha mutafuckin’ ganagsta!

50 years of gangstas, doan tek leff

Write yuhself a line

Run it something like dis

I an’ I ah gangsta

Gt mih barn, from big gangsta mih larn

Poi poi!!

*if johnny bravo vex he cud drink marvex

Dear Guvment

Dear Guvment (

dear guvment

please dont squueze we balls

after all

is we vote fuh yall

so when ah park lil bad

or if ah play mih muzik loud

see wid the brethren

keep the police in check

is everyday dem tekkin' a freck

dem manhandle my stem

sarchin' for weed

dem check by mih seeds

dem look up my bum

sorry fuh dem

rastaman done smoke um

so dear guvment

I ent asking fuh much

Lef me lone and I will do the same

Rasie yuh pay

Throw jubilee bingee everyday

Raise the tax

Nuff o’ we doan pay

Leh yuh siren blare

I doan care

soon as I drive lil fass

police like a tick in mih ass

go visit yuh chinee fren

Fly in he plivate jet

I ent care how much bribe yuh tek

But leff me lone

Leh me smoke mih joint

Leh me ease mih stress

Don’t look in me pot

Check what dem minister got

Like Sherlock

My land has no gold

Is a regular plot

Wid lil plants in the back

I stick to my gardening

Won’t comment

On  yuh disappointing

Recession of beekay appointment

In fact dear guvment

If yuh cud fuck off lil

Stop doing skunt for a few days

Give we a break

From your scandalous ways

Leh we fly we kite

Wid who we want

Fotoshop yuh self

In ah office doing wuk

Leh the newspapers Kerry

Some positive news

Leh we feel happy

please, please

No more pickchas of amnah ally

*fuck GPL, we could not fit it into the song, but fuck dem anyways! 

50 Games of Shade

50 Games of Shade

“I was at Tea-mary and the plane lan’ at Ogle, chief”… our editor was furious at our new sport reporter, after all he had missed the arrival of our two world champion cricketers, “who knows what dem would have said? Dem mighta back up Shammy, tell we windies din gih dem money fuh wash dem laundry, look how Shammy went and wash he own in public” our editor was convinced we could have had a news scoop, “imagine Guysnooze story all ova’ the worl, but no, you skunt ent know we gat two international airport…stueeps” … “iz the Guyana Crooked Board fault, chief, dem ent call me an tell me whe’ the plane lannin”… “shut yuh skunt, yuh feel dem is Tatoo from fantasy island? …Look dee plane , dee plane…skunt? … what else going on in sport? Anything to report or yuh come hey fuh eat the sangwich alone? ”  “well, sor, we got a unique Guyanese sporting event billed for the jubilee, everybody know we invent shade, so the National Shade Commission has announced a big thing called “50 games of Shade” where every day for the next 50 days, we wll see who can throw the most shade, the nastiest shade, the most subtle yet insulting shade etc, dem even got photochap shade an’ ting, look at the list of events boss, even you fat…ahm even you cud enter an’ win prizes an ting”

50 Games of Shade

50. Beat Drum of Racism (Politicians Only)

49. Appointment Rescission Darts (barbs get thrown at appointments, if your name get hit, cyat eat yuh dinner)

48. Sex wid minor family members (Warning!!! Family members only, otherwise it’s a crime)

47. Obfuscation Conferencing (Say nothing by saying everything, Title vacant, Lunchman retired)

46. Nancy Story throw-down  (Freddy gat dis lock)

45. Are you Smarter than Need Kumar? (no vexplanation needed)

44. National Anthem Lip Sync battle (oh say can you see, what fun dis wud be)

43. Harmony Chairs (for cabinet members only, first to say ‘Harmon” to Presi loses his seat)

42. Throw Joe under the Bus (need we say more?)

41. Hide n’ seek in the maternity ward

*Wait ya’ll think yuh wud get the entire list today? Keeping ya’ll in suspend.

The Protest Shop

The Protest Shop

When one door closes another opens, this was the sage advice from my Advisor on Business Shady Beekay , me did done know dah so me resind he skunt, it is no secret that my business ‘Robin’s Mala Shop’ http://guysnooze.blogspot.com/2015/07/robins-mala-shop.html has been faring badly under the new dispensation, we did do okay wid our Yellow and Green line but our old customers at the Previous Powerful Party made nuff bassa bassa an’ dat get shut dunk, Mala nah sell like beforetime, and as such we did market research to identify trends and possible viable business ideas.

We would like to announce the Grand Opening of The Protest Shop! Got a problem? No problem maan… just get a group of friends and go protest, problems will go away, and dis way cheaper than obeahman an’ pandit, no ciggrits or tequila needed, no need to break eggs and bathe in sea, jus’ come on down to The Protest Shop (where the old mala shop uses to be) we will not ‘jaray’ you wid the price!

Molested? Get the Red Thread special, comes with 12 pre-made signs, umbrellas and matching t-shirts, all you need is people. Accused of molesting some pickneys? We know it will be hard to find friends to assist, we will provide ready-made protestors for you, we have people who will march, sing, dance, and declare your innocence for a few frecks! But you need to book early some of our protest crew have other jobs as Ministers an’ ting.

Have you been fucking up on the job? Afraid the axe will swing? No worry, we can have protestors outside of your Boss’s office in a jiffy, for a small extra we will include a few school aged children and pregnant women, this Un-fire crew will keep you in the gravy for the foreseeable future, ask about our #savehardman plan

Protestors outside you office demanding you do nothing? Even as you do nothing this can reflect badly on your perception of strength, so hit back with a counter-protest, we had one case where government supporters were protesting both for and against the same thing, what splendid confusion! No one knew which side of the road to stand on, the police were clueless on who to beat, The President took one look and beat out through a side gate. Ask for the #volda special.

No issue is too small or too large for our shop, Team just won a world championship but have a grouse? We can advise on proper protest protocol, foot on desk is a no-no… Lost an election and you suspect fraud? Same package available #champion

Imprisoned and treated unfairly? No meat in yuh rice, only skin in the curry, GTT & Digicel charging too much for credit?   Always the bottom and never the top? Ask about the chill package , a blend of soothing herbs to make life bearable or the nuclear option of a flammable jumbo mattress. #herbs #fire  

Yes, folks, we got it lock! Leave your enemies speakless with your audacity , our team of North Korean trained propaganda experts will have you on top of the problem in no time. Ask for Dee Protest Instigator or any of his capable staff.  Coverage guaranteed by local newsrags , packages include photo-shopped crowds of supporters, images of you flying kites with presidents and other big-wigs. You will become a VIP in no time flat, soon you will be invited to diplomatic soirees and be able to swill free liquor in copious quantities. See the #celebritypokey  plan.

*Seriously,what kind of government protests itself? 

Dear Land of Labba and Crik Water

Dear land of Guyana, owned by crooks and thieves
Made rich by shan lin, and slush by the rains
Said geecom be fair, between morons and ppp cees,
Your children desert you, for the land of the free
Green land of Guyana, our mayors of yore,
Of family matters and incest hidden under the floor

 This oil dem find, will make we rich
Soon sons and daughters in Guyana everything free.
Great Granger in Guyana thou own supporter doth protest you
Where every Harman is his own boss
Suffer the children unto me For a good topstick 
 oh its hardening as I sing
For politicians have eyes that did not see,
One land of six peoples, protesting for free.
Dear land of Guyana, to you will we give,
Our visas and watch you beat out
God guard you, great Mother
 and make us to be 
On time for the flight to the land of the free.

Dear Land of Labba and Crik water

I will come back to thee

after I get my green card from Uncle Sammy

at least he won't molest me

oh say can you see

how nameekarmish I be

singing another man anthem 

at my independence jubilee 

Guysnooze Editor to Chronicle in shocker!

Guysnooze Editor to Chronicle in shocker!

The Guysnooze news agency today lost its chief editor to government controlled Chronicle newspaper in what can only be described as a ‘shocker’, the first edition under this new dispensation is now out on newsstands today, The Sunday Chronicle of 4/3/2016 is a game changer. Below are highlights of the new “Creole Cranicle” editorial direction.

Sonday Cranicle

Headlines

Voldamort says Councilor Softing not habitual child molester, “he said it was so good he hit it twice, but only that one time.”

Windies Captain not offended by being left out of “Champion” song but longest serving west indies 12^th man, Rollan Holeher takes umbrage. “Fetching water for Viv was not easy, he drinks like a horse”

Rotee Claim DJ Bravo’s “Champion” song racist as no mention made of “Champion of the Earth” or any other Indos, latinos or other Ghanaians.

Classifieds

Wanted: Girls to ‘work,work,work,work work’ …. no real work required. Call 1-800-HEARUX 

Vacancy: One fotochop expert, must be able to manipulate images and provide high res DPI ( Dots Per Inch) works of artful spin that show Unity.

Wanted: One Minister of Presidense, must know his/her place, must be willing to follow orders and work within power structure, no experience necessary, mouth must be smaller than foot.  friends of BK need not apply.

For sale: Chinese multiple use condoms, good for fcking Guyanese and provides protection from unwanted scrutiny, compliance and repossession of assets. 

Invitation for Tender: New fans for Ministries of Presidency, Social protection, specifications Teflon blades, poop-proof sealed motors, must be impervious to sudden high intensity short duration shit-storms. Successful bidder will be required to dispose of previous soiled fans.

Movies

Drama: The Runner Stumbles: Follow our hero Uncle Joe and his entourage as they tour China, but will the revelations of the Kachar crew back home have disastrous consequences???

Family:  Hairy Patta and the Family Secrets: In this sequel to the Prisoner of Azkaban, Voldamort battles with goons from Red Thread over Hairy Patta’s claims of molestation.

Editorial

Sex, lies and audio-tape

The Freddy tapes of Cde. Joggman are absolutely bogus, Freddy is well known for mekking stuff up, this newspaper is reliably informed that Cde. Greenshirt never met with accused child molester in Kingston and that at no time did they hatch a plot to form a third party to attract traditional PPV supporters and then betray them with an ungodly alliance. “absolute rubbish as usual from Fredswhal, such a sinister plot would surely have come to light before now” said one inside source from his business trip in China, in fact it seems like is not me alone they plotting against!. To this newspapers knowledge no tapes of the alleged meeting exist, not even in little Johnny’s wildest imagination. Such deception as alleged by the columnist would rock the very foundations of political life in Guyana and we would doubt that trust would ever again be place in politicians. (editor’s note: what trust?)

Press release: Ministry of the Presidency: The appointment of the Guysnooze editor has been rescinded with immediate effect.