Ancestral DNA Test
Results
All it takes is a cotton swab and voila! The DNA result will
tell who was really Daddy, Granma’s dirty little secrets and if Mommy slept
with Isaac the Bartender on the Love Boat! , The President was first in line to
get his inner cheek swabbed…no…silly, inside he mouth…gosh, yall perverted! ,
we could not access those results are they are classified but not so for the
other participants, we got those easy peasy!
The country seems to be infested with relatives of famous
people, it’s a veritable Who’s Who up in this bitch! …. But testing was
reserved for the big shots in high positions… In a Guysnooze exclusive, we give
them to you in unvarnished glory:
Cde. Greenish:
30% Pygmy, 30% Yourba , 40% European, The DNA shows ancient linage to Nopoleon
Bornapart , medical problems include ‘short-man syndrome’.
Guysnooze Editor:
Another brother from the black hole of Calcutta, distant cousin to Asha Boslay
and Rajesh Khanna.
Lunchman: A
direct male-line descendant of Confuseus, not to be confused with Chinese
philosopher Confucius … we admit to being confused by this…thinky thing make
head hurt…
Minister Rolex: A
pure descendant from the Tek-a-Bribe Tribe, no mix blood here. One Ancestor was
credited with inventing the sundial and another ,the traffic ticket. #leffsumting
Auntie Amnah: Maury Povich tek one here! Breaking news!!!
Fabio’s love child with Diwali Queen discovered in Guyana !!!…… (Rolex alone cud tek bribe?) #crazynani
Cousin Berry: A
member of the Adams family of TV fame, Mother : Wednesday, Father: Corpse with
rigor mortis. Prone to delusions, physical defects include ‘raccoon’ eyes.
Cde. Rotee: A descendant from the Moutar tribe of Eastern
Africa, the tribe is known for inflicting verbiage on passersby on Monday
mornings, descendants are prone to talking shit and are vulnerable to career ending infections
from goat bites.
Afeecoe: 10%
Youraba, 10% Wapishana, 100% Blight. A truly ancient family line, Ancestors
include Jonah , Typhoid Mary and three Titanic survivors.
Nigel Chronic: DNA results reveal famous family Johan Wolfgang van Goethe and his Brother Scape.
Nigel Chronic: DNA results reveal famous family Johan Wolfgang van Goethe and his Brother Scape.
Min. Mustachio:
1% everything, this DNA mix is usually seen in families with long history of
working in the world’s oldest profession, descendants possess high immunity to
leak and a proclivity to fare-picking. Womb-broom facial hair is a
characteristic of this group. Famous people of this family include Ron Jeremy
and John Holmes.
Lady Broomsbee: 50% Kachar, 50% Cochore , family prone to
foot-in-mouth disease, natural enemies of the Mustachio tribe, natural born whore
catchers, known for snitching.
NON CEO: DNA
proves he is not now or ever was Terry Holder, or related to same. #signature
RumJaguar: Descended from a Dalitory tribe of rat
catchers on he Mooma side, He Dadee was a legendary hunter of El Dorado ( The
likker… not the place ) Family talents include great periphery vision and the
ability to look in two directions at the same time, never misses a trick …or a
drink.
Nahgamuchfuhdo:
100% Nameekaram. Linked to family that
lives on 83,000 sq mile Animal farm.
Citizen Kant:
Ancestral grandson of Snowball , family traditionally works with bovine waste.
Family medical problems include poor vision and erectile dysfunction.
Ransom:
Third Cousin twice removed to grandson of English playwright
Shakespeare.
Jo Zie Ha Mong :
25% Ashanti, 25% Zulu, 50% Ming dynasty. Family proclivity for procrastination
and flying….correction ….F#&king
Lying.
BREAKING NEWS!!
In a stunning twist
of DNA strands, H.E was declared related to former President Cathar, his
DNA (like his actions)show he shares 97.5% with Ramatar, both the PVP and the
PNZ are investigating.
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