Jubalicious Edition
The Editor was in an unusually ebullient mood, sharing out
drinks and cigars at our weekly meeting. “Yes, boys and girls, I am in the
jubilee spirit, isn’t it wonderful to be Guyanese?” we could only surmise that
some one of he old fowl dem come back and clear the dust out of he balls… but
it was a welcome change from the mix of general irascibility and early
Alzheimer’s, akcep an’ bless.
“listen don’t let my seemingly happy mood fool you, today is
war! The PR guru known as ‘Rumrade Bash’ has gone too far, he tagged me in dat
dam Sharmaine Blackwell video again! This heinous attack on my eyes and ears
cannot go unpunished, we need dirt and we need a plan…suggestions?” …Pisan he
skunt? … “I think he doing dat himself, yuh eva see dee man drink…bottomless
pit, is like the chronicle banna and food… mark my words one day he gon get fat…
wha’ ‘bout if we…aw fuckit, leh we pisan he skunt an’ done”
In odder news, our NY based reporter had the gumption to
tell he govt that a fren buy he a ticket fuh jubilee “look babes, is a text
saying pick up ticket at JFK, wha’ yuh think it mean?” “you spend the chirren money on ticket?”….
“nah babes, mus’ be one of the boys… Regina Colludeum Fa Vaginum the old school
motto heh heh” he replied nervously, well the upshot is she say go, enjoy the
jubilee but leff the credit card dem, we bai pick up the bag he had pack and
buss it before the chain get yank back… all was going well, he was tekking a
nap in the comfort of Fly Jamaica first class when he suddenly think ….wait,
dat was too easy… is wha’ she up to?.... by the time the flight land yuh boy in
a tizzy, he forget about the Moneyca he was going to meet all he thinking ‘bout
is the possibility that somebody else holding Donna now… as he get signal he
call… it ent help dat she sound breathless when she answer, ‘you, you , oh, you
ok?” she asked “I jus reach, but I miss
yuh bad babes, I coming back now now” he declared… “oh, baby, I love it! ah
mean I love you. You coming for me? You want me to come too, oh gawd ah
coming!” …”babes?…babes?… what going on?” …”ahm I was just so excited at the thought
of coming to join you for jubilee honey, I dropped the phone”… we boy start to
have misgivings, ah mean if he get blow it done pass from the sound of it so he
better get he own in to even things up… “look, doan worry, I gon be fine, call
you in a few days” . On the way down from the Airport he asked if “Geeyana had
become the land of many arches” the taxi man say no Sor, yuh sayin’ it wrang,
is …. asses… land of many asses …an’ wid duh freshwater accent yuh gon fit rite
in.
In real news Minister of Dodgy Affairs declared that the
former administration was racially biased in the matter of awards, the Minister
made these assertions as he made the feature address of the African Guyanese
Awards Ceremony, sadly the irony was lost on the goodly minister.
“Yuh see the report ‘ bout awards bass?” chief reporter declared “Is award season bai,
everybody and they dawg getting one, you get any bass?”…well so much for the
good mood the editor was in, the man start to rant… “they racial… I am an
African like everyone else on the planet, fuss dey try to cut me out the
reparations racket, now I hear dat I not eligible for the African Guyanese
award, what the fuck happen to Lucee or whaeva the skeleton name that prove all
awhee is African eh? Dat like is a convenient fact or maybe it’s because I
don’t have an African name like M.Maxwell
or E. Phillips… dey only giving black people dis award, the rest of us
Africans are being discriminated against…I want dat on record… yuh recording
dis?...who tell you yuh could record me? I wud chatree yuh skunt hey….put in a
call to the coolie people arrival committee, tell dem me grandfather been pon
the Hezporus , yes same ship as Lisa Ancestors, see if they want run something,
Order of Gandhi or even Honorary Hare Krishna status… “Sor, dey say dey not
stupit, dey know you is ah African, how yuh like party and drink mackeson” … “well
dats it lads, I ent getting nuttin…and ah sure dem gon give the actress a CCH
and confuse the fuck outta everybody in ‘merica”…. C.C.H Pounder C.C.H.
The jubilee committee today thanked GPL for providing an
authentic experience for the visitors and remarked that the return of the ‘choke
n’ rob’ culture happened just in time, we were worried with all the crime
solving and confessions, but thank heavens about 60 of dem miraculously tek up
the profession, we are informed that this miracle has been credited to Pope
Healmanwhoswell whose investiture was a reason for jubilation all by itself,
the new pope has declared that his mansion and the yard will now have State
within a State status as accorded the Vatican , the new country will be called
‘Carnationville’ , since the New Pope has been invested miracles have been
recorded all over Guyana , here are some that have been authenticated by the
other Arsebishops:
- A man made a call from a Digi to GTT and his $2000 credit did not run out after 1min 5seconds.
- All ten pieces of cassava purchased by a housewife for dinner were good.
- All 4 LIAT flights to Guyana departed and arrived on time.
- A small boy brought back change from the corner shop.
- C.N get off he deathbed and tun ViSA card, he deh everywhere (2 Miracles)
- M. Maxwell apologized for using an ‘African’ name, he will now write as M. Odafoka.
- Despite fears that only ‘Uncle and Auntie’ coming for Jubilee, ‘Mamoo and Ajee’ arrived at CIJA .
- Samantha was able to keep all four of she visiting ‘frens’ separate Friday nite at Palms Court.
-
Raphaelaka Carrion Crow was able to sell the contents of his suitcase for enough to cover expenses for the trip home and lil flash cash to impress the binnies. - A Dangles ketch feelings.
Have you had a miracle in your life recently? … Did it
happen after you donated a tin of milk marked GPL or placed anointed cloth on
your goadee? …we want to know, write us at tinofmilk@pope.com
Due to current state of the economy, I am thinking about
becoming a Pope also, well maybe a super-pastor to start, I too have performed
miracles, dis one girl tell me she thought she was destined to be alone forever
and I gave her a bottle of Scope mouthwash and two weeks later she get marrid!
And dis other time my friend couldn’t find his keys and I said ‘have you looked
in the lock outside the door” and there it was! …Now fuh find a flock and some disciples
in this Land of many Judases.
First service will be held at a date and time to be announced, worshipers are asked to walk wid chicken, potatoes ,pasta noodles and magi cubes, tins of milk are also accepted. Bless.
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