Department of Snooze

Department of Snooze

Hear ye! hear ye! By decree of his imperial highness a new department has been established, the department of Snooze…dats right, get all your official news from the snooze…well not really but we can dream..ent? , there will however be a Department of National Events to avoid future fuck-ups of these great opportunities to watch the army earn its keep by marching around and singing British patriotic songs, I vow to thee my country that dis is no lie, cabinet has also been discussing other possible departments, our fly on the wall was able to report on the suggestions.

6. Department of Suits. (It seems the head of the Department of Public information has suggested that the public is less informed because he is spending too much time by Jakey getting new suits made for Nahgamuchfuhdo)

5. Department of duct tape. (To accede to a City council request)

4. Department of Apologies. (Ministers see no need to apologize personally)

3. Department of Scapegoats Flunkeys. (So that the Department of Apologies would have someone to blame)

2. Department of Chair and Cushions. (requested by Minister ‘enry)

1. Department of Departments. (To provide oversight of all other Departments)

In odder news, Judge X (me ent calling name) was accused of illegal sentencing by the Prison COI , Judge X responded by inviting the members of the COI to his courtroom to explain themselves, their collective failure to do so led to him finding them in contempt of court and sentencing them to a week in prison, “a fitting way to conclude your cockamamie inquiry” remarked the Judge as he passed sentence.

The daily newspapers all carried related front page headlines.

Chronic: Prison COI to be ‘embedded’ in brilliant move to get to the truth of prison conditions.

Knews: Prison COI warned not to drop soap by defense counsel.

Hard times: Hard times ahead for Prison COI.

Stabber: For whom the bell tolls.

The Mayor today stated that the Deputy Mayor was not authorized to speak for the council ‘only the town clerk and the Public relations officer are authorized” …when asked if she was either and if not, on whose behalf was she speaking, the mayor abruptly terminated the presser and exited while mumbling ‘smart arse reporters skunt” . The deputy Mayor was contacted for comment and said ‘mmmthfuhhh, ggggssshhh muufftnh!” before ending the call abruptly.

The Guys Picking Fare (GPF) today put out a release stating that their commissioner was involved in a terrible mix-up recently, it seems the COP received a request to review security and other professional arrangements for the Olympic games in Rio, the hapless CoP was misled by his staff who communicated to him that certain Ministers wanted to go to Rio and asked if he could check on the security, never one to designate such important tasks the CoP proceeded to an establishment that coincidentally bears the name RIO, the name given was “Operation Scratch and Sniff” and contrary to popular opinion at no time did the COP compete in the ‘muff dive’ , the CoP himself stated “what nonsense! You ever heard of a Brazilian wid muff? Dem invent the wax man… nonsense!” … Following the release the GPF was visited by the Department of duct tape.

In related news , Comrade Rothee of the PPV said “the COP was there, I saw him” he then stated that Glen threw the pineapple at himself for publicity, following this , the Leader of the Opposition requested special services from the Department of duct tape.

Much has been asked as to the sources of funds for Jubilee celebrations, Guysnooze was able to learn that one such sponsor was Vybz cartel Cake Soap ® who sponsored the dolls on the table at the Big Sawaki Gala , the Minister explained “ the truth is dat dolly was not white as my detractors have tried to say but really was a paid advertisement for Vybz ,so is really a ‘high-yella’ dolly, it used to be black”

*Public Notice: The offices of Guysnooze have been move to Channapaul road, between south and regent streets, those wishing to pelt fruits such as ‘pineapples’ can try anytime.