Gee Tinder
In what can only be described as an explosion, the Tinder ®
dating app has blown up over the last few weeks, we at Guysnooze, never ones to
sit on our laurels were onto the story immediately and assigned a team of
reporters to investigate the phenomenon, our results are chronicled below.
Our first reporter made an online profile that listed him as
John Smith, from New Yark, single heterosexual male, middle aged, his report is
as follows:
Well fus, ah run into the ghetto barbies, this group tek
ghetto-fabulous to a new level, most of the profile pictures were of dem next
to a latrine, some had empty toilet-paper rolls, dese women squeeze dey-self
into dresses five sizes too small , none ent shape like coke bottle …unless yuh
counting two-liter …. And the fus thing they asking is if yu coming fuh
Jubilee, so I said yes and went with the least terrible blonde of the bunch. I
turned up for the ‘date’ with flowers an’ ting, imagine my surprise when the
woman come out she house accompanied by an ‘entourage’ , mayhem as all seven of
dem squeeze in me lil cyar, of course dem had one man wid dem, dey ‘cousin’…we
gon get back to he later… so I ask where I could drop the fam off before we go
to palms court…not a rass! All going wid we, I seh arite and we head down, well
when we reach, all of dem pass in the place and deh pointing back at me, when I
reach front I find out is three grand a head and I paying fuh everybody, 24G
later, I inside and everyone of dem done gat drinks in hand , mackeson,
guiness, some drink dat on fire… and yes, I get the bill, another 24G and dat
only the fuss round! ……. Well, I man not stupid, I tek a drink and start fuh
get close to the bamsy, so I wining pon it and I lean forward and ask she if
she know ‘bout ‘tantric Sex” … she say yes, yes, … but jack ent had time fuh
fuck Rose on the boat but the bitch woulda get it in the water if she was Jack
and dem had plenty space pon the wood…. Then she start drop it and pick it up,
but she tights had a hole dat was getting bigger every time she drop it and the
fucking waiter keep coming back fuh tek drinks orders….well I know the boss not
known as ‘el cheapo skunto’ fuh nuttin’ so I mek like I going to the bathroom
an’ I beat out… as fuh the ‘cousin’…. I hope he did wearing a condom, cause the
daggering did getting serious when I look back…
The second reporter listed himself as Akmal Khan , businessman
from Toronto with offices in Dubai, well he story is instructive:
It seems that my profile info attracted every dam dangles in
the land, I never see suh much woman smiling like duck and offering to ….well
anyway I not here for poetry, I just went on a date to see how the ting would
play out, the girl seh she name Samantha and she reach by me wid a taxi, ah
think she and the taxi man is fren, cause dem sure sound friendly and I ent see
no money pass…anyway we reach palms court just in time fuh see yuh boy ‘John
Smith” beating out over the side fence, well is every man in the place pass by
and say ‘hi’ , funny ting is all had different name fuh she, is ‘babes’ ‘princess’
and ‘darling’ whole nite… the girl ent dancing , she jus stan up deh wiggling
the BT, an’ leh mih tell yuh, is one sweet BT, it roung like a basketball and
she got real feg control, ah swear the ting could wink… to she credit the
drinks ent cost nuttin… some one of she uncles been in deh and he sport we
whole nite, he prappa squeeze up he niece basketball but he did lil drunk and I
play me ent see nuttin’ , is GT ‘family business’ is national policy and I cyan
change dat, the problem come later when we leff the place, she taxi man turn up
like he did know we coming out and then she start a new tune, we need to pay
the taxi a special rate, then when we pull up by Marriott and I ask she
inside, she say yes but…but she was going to collect some money from a friend
(at 4AM) but if I gave her a 40 grand she could send the taxi man to pay she
light bill… well is the boss money and the BT like basketball, so I say no
problem and dash it pon the seat, then she say and…and she mother in hospital
and she got to pay the small bill, if I got another hundred grand it would help
and she would pay back tomorrow, so I throw dat down too… before she ask fuh
anything mo, I ask she if she name ‘Moneyca’…well imagine my surprise when the
taxi man shub me out the cyar and cuss me up, I watch dem drive away and start
laff cause if ah din laff ah woulda cry…. btw…blue balls is a real ting.
Based on these and other reports we can advise visitors to
ask the following questions before going on dates with locals:
- · Are you a drama queen?
- · Are you a queen?
- · Are you a member of the group known as The Kings Jewelry World Girls?
- · Natural or weave?
No comments:
Post a Comment