Guysnooze Guide to 911

Guysnooze Guide to 911

The GPF has announced that the 911 ‘system’ is ‘finally’ up and running, now, this ‘news’ has us in shock, we have been calling 911 for years, of course we been on the line for years too, because no-one ever answered or if they did, you got the ‘hole-an’ until you died, got burgled or otherwise endured the suffering you were hoping to alleviate by making the call in the first place…now, we are being told, that GTT and DIGICEL, entities know for ‘great’ service had ‘revamped’ the service and ‘trained’ new police operators, even as he made the announcement, the Acting CoP, true to his ‘backstabbing’ ways, expressed ‘concern’ about the ‘attitude’ of the newly trained operators. While the Acting CoP’s Kakahole-ish ways are seemingly intrinsic to his character, we at Guysnooze are outraged at his attack on the untested 911 operators, we have always held that the problem is not the Operators or the ‘system’...but is a cultural one, it is not what you report ,but the language that you use to report your ‘emergency’  that will get it placed on the priority scale, to assist you, dear Reader, we have provided a few examples to ensure ‘fast’ response.

Situation 1

Citizen feel pains in Chest, Citizen calls 911

911: 911, what is your emergency?

Citizen: I having chest pains

911: you know is only 2 pm right? This number is for emergencies only!

Citizen: I think I am having a heart attack!

911: look sor, first of all, it is daytime, sun bright, nobody doan dead from heart attack in daytime,ketch a bus and go to Public, if it was nighttime we would have sent an Ambulance so unless you call back tonight, nothing we can do for you sor.

Citizen: I am dying from heart attack and you telling me to wait until night for an Ambulance?

911: are you a Doctor sor?

Citizen: No…but...

911: So how you know is heart attack you having? …sor, what you had for lunch? Eggball or something?  Is probably gas you got, just buss a fart and stop bothering the 911 operators who have real emergencies to deal wid… goodbye sor. CLICK.

To avoid the preceding scenario, Guysnooze recommends you do the following:

Citizen: 911, I have two emergencies operator

911: what are your emergencies sor?

Citizen: I am a millionaire without anyone to leave my money to when I die ….and I think I am having a heart attack!

911: Sor, keep calm, where do you live?

Citizen: I lives in Bel Air …but I am visiting a friend in Sophia, can you send an Ambulance?

911: Right away Sugar, you hold on for Momma, I coming wid the Ambulance to ensure you gets the best care government money can buy, stay on the line sweetie, the Ambulance driver is a Notary we can sort out a will on the way to Public!

For those experiencing the pains of Child birth, please be reminded that this is not considered an Emergency service and any claims of ‘unbearable pain and suffering’ will be met with thrown shade to the tune of  ‘yuh din sufferin’ when you two foot was open’ …spare yourself the stress, ketch bus, much faster than the ambulances anyways…

In case of Fire, first of all remain calm, shouting ‘fire fire’ will not help… calmly inform the 911 operator of the situation and try to give useable directions. Do not do the following:

Citizen: Fire! Fire! Send the fire reel quick quick!!

911: Sor, can you give me the address and directions please

Citizen: in Sophia, is a big Big fire yuh cyan miss it the whole place bunnin down

911: yes sor, I understand it’s a fire , but where sor where?

Citizen: I jus’ tell yuh, in Sophia

911: yes! We know it’s a fire, but where is the fire?

Citizen: the fire in Sophia lady, how much time I got to tell you? The neighbor house bunnin’ now, me own done flat, I gon let he call and try wid dis stupidness…

*when did So-fee-ah become Suh-fie-yuh?

As stated earlier, there are no ‘real’ emergencies during daylight hours but there are also classes of incidents which should never be reported, Rape for example carries a conviction rate of less than 1%, , only those with sadistic need for punishment need to call the GPF and be interrogated by questions such as “ what yuh was wearing?” , “yuh sure is rape?” , “but he is yuh family, how yuh gon do dee man duh?”…. females are advised to plot suitable revenge, suggested methods include: Piezun, acid, boiling oil and ice-pick to the heart…

The following are also not emergencies: Vehicular Accident with no deaths, fight at Rum shop, hairdresser put the weave in too tight, blackout, Gay domestic violence…well… it is still a felony to be Gay so some level of self-incrimination would be involved…

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Now for the ‘real’ emergencies, thief man… first some tips, never say you ‘think’ a thief man in the yard… ‘think’ don’t get the popo moving, you got to ‘see’ and at least three, never one…never! , It helps to say they have guns,,but be careful to say is ‘small’ guns, do not EVER say is “nuff man wid machine gun” … the Police may never come, nuff machine gun causes shittings  diarrhea in the GPF and vehicles to ‘break down’ .

 Sample Call 1

Citizen: (hushed tones) Help, thief in the yard

911: goodnight, what is your name?

Citizen: Ramlall Persad, of 101Prashad Nagar

911: ok, sor, you got anything that the men would want to thief? In your house?

Citizen: I got nuff thing, come quick, we could ketch dem!

911: sor, are the man armed? 

Citizen: yes, all of dem got two hand…one walking lil handicap tho...

911: I mean do they have guns?

Citizen: meeno, you want me to ask dem? I could send me wife, we not seeing eye to eye recently…

911: sor, the patrol is on the way, stay inside the house and keep quiet, and remember the ‘boys’ dem working all night and yuh could bless them when they reach…

Citizen: Bless dem? ….I is not a pandit..

911: sor, you is a town man, doan play stupidee…

Sample Call 2

Citizen: thief in mih yard, send the squad quick

911: goodnight sor, can I have your address

Citizen: 102 west rhymeveld

911: you sure is not yuh neighbours in the yard?

Citizen: is thief man, nuff of dem wid gun and cutlass

911: can I have your name sor?

Citizen: John Jones, I am a mason

911: are you calling to confess to a crime sor?

Citizen: what? Look, is a set of thiefman in me yard…

911: is wha’ you do dem John?

Citizen: is cause I black yuh treating me suh, when Ramlall call yall does send police quick quick! …before we could even break…ah mean before the thieves could even break in the backdoor, so I hear…

911: sor, this has nothing to do with race, is the fact you is a Mason,do you know that 90% of the inmates of Lot 12 are masons? The police coming to collect you for questioning…. John? John? …..CLICK

Sample Call 3

Citizen: I would like to report a robbery

911: who has been robbed sor?

Citizen; well, the robbery ent happen yet, but I know when it will, I know about the plan!

911: excellent sor, can you tell us where and when so we can set a trap for these criminals sor?

Citizens: The robbery will occur in Guyana precisely on Election Day 2020 madam!

911: Dr Jagdeo, please stop calling, you ent got spelling class to attend?

Citizen: I demand action! Forward this call to Jimmy Carter or the United nations, somebody..anybody

911: keep calm sor, I sending the ambulance, we will be taking you for a lil driving to a PPP stronghold…in Berbice…

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Sample Call 4

Caller: heya! I would like to report someone passed close to my fence and threw a banana peel over the fence! like what the hell man!
911: your name ma'ma?
Caller: I am Mrs. Sam Wachowski of Exxo...
911: The Police, GDF and People's Militia are on the way ma'ma, Ministers Trotman, Patterson & Hughes have been alerted to your plight and are on the way, President Minister of the Presidency Harmon has cut short his annual vacation to Tahiti and is on his way back, he asks that you stay inside until our forces secure the premises... dem lazy police ent reach yet ma'ma? it has been two minutes already, I apoligize for the delays...

Robin’s New School

Robin’s New School

Friends, haters and Countrymen living in odder countries…Investors all, lend me your hard ears, I know that my previous attempts at business have failed, but so did some of Senor Trump’s and look how well he is doing… I am thinking positive as advised by our President and starting a small business/hustle, it is a School…now I know what you are thinking… dem already got nuff school, school of the nations, school of rich, school of poor, school for hindu, catholic,muslim, what would make this school different from all the other offerings?

I give you The School of Opposition… having noticed that Politicians in ‘Opposition’ always seem to know the answers, know which questions to ask and even the dunce ones have the confidence of geniuses, so why not apply this theory to school aged children and produce a Pack of Pompous Pricks who know it all.

Based on our observations sitting on the hard benches in the School of Opposition will see your child make dramatic progress in his/her understanding of :

• ·         Ethics:  “Resign your post dad” they will say “you told a lie” this they will say with a straight face.
• ·         Racism:  Your child will learn to forget his own discriminatory behavior in sharing sweeties and instead focus on trivial pursuit of words that may or may not be offensive to some for political capital.
• ·         Selective Memory:  Your child will forget and/or pretend that all the shit he did while in the School of Government where the seats were cushy and the kickbacks were sweet.
• ·         Imagination: Your child will develop expansive imagination and much like Camp street prisoners demanding steak for breakfast, will make outrageous demands of School of Government 
• Elocution: “Fly all the Guyanese abroad home for the holidays and give them free housing and food, we can afford it” …dem kinda skunt will roll off the tongue smoothly while on Opposition school benches.
• ·          A School of Opposition child will experience ‘eureka’ moments and suddenly know the difference between Truth and Lies, Right and Wrong, Slap and Strip.

The School of Opposition will also have remedial classes for those who need reminders of what a hard bench feels like on the bt bone, one hour in class and the big man would mek a pick for Chairman of GECON real quick, because In Opposition everyone knows everything, that is our tag line btw…  My former classmate will remember how to ‘shot’ back at spurious claims that he ‘lied’ about “Oil Block” when we all know is only “Hollow block” leff back…

Get that dunce kid of yours into this school ASAP and in no time people will be calling him “Young Einstein”.

* I remind all potential Investors that this is a Green economy and shares start at $5000

Public Service Announcements

 Public Service Announcements

Our Editor was ebullient, walking through the newsroom as happy as a child with a pack of crayons and a newly painted white wall “wake up you slackers!” he bellowed, “it is time to do something for your country for a change, was it not JFK who said, ask not …. And you will get not?” … 

“Chief, Kennedy never said that” piped up the Fat Reporter… 

“how you know he neva seh dat” shot back the Editor “you bin deh?” … “anyways, he was a Democrat who owned slaves and he father was a nazi lover, so whatever he say or did not say is of no great import, what is important is what minister Hughes said… we get to write and produce our own Public Service Announcements, now that is exactly what we are going to do today, now We don’t want regular PSA’s like Don’t dump fucking garbage here or Don’t piss here skunt  we want quality advice for Guyanese citizens, written in language the everyman can understand for example “If yuh have loley and run mad, do not take off yuh clothes, lef dat for man with LOLO, loley man not qualified to be naked madman”…so leh we team up and show we can cooperate and make Guyana great.

And so the news team split into small groups to brainstorm, at the end of the day we picked some of the better ones to produce.

What to do if stopped by the Police.

Citizen: (Roll down heavily tinted window and say “goodnight Officer, you and the boys must be thirsty working on such a hot night (even if it is raining), can I leave some money for you to buy some refreshments later? Here’s a Granger… you have a good night too sir” …Pull away slowly from roadblock…wave to black youths being searched for ‘seeds and stems’… DO NOT light your spliff until clear of roadblock.

What to do if stopped by the Police while Black.

Black Citizen: Do nothing, Say nothing, anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law, it can also get you a severe beating and 72 hours imprisonment.

Allow the following: Strip of your tint, search of vehicle and person, close examination of your documents, questions on how you can afford car, if you are (hot) female, the officer may ask for your cell number, do not give a fake number as he will call you right there, feel free to change sims after.

Wave to the fat skunt who jus’ leff a raise wid the boys…

You are allowed to complain about this treatment AFTER you get home and get on FACEBOOK.

What to do if thiefman in your house.

• Post on Fb: Thief in mih house ..help, 
• Cover yourself with the Blood of Jeezus, 
• hope for the best. 

This message courtesy Ministry of Security.

What to do if sweetman in your house.

Leave packets of ‘MAGNUM’ condoms in strategic spots around the house, no woman will put up with an insecure Sweetman , for the bad-minded, you can also leave some tubes of Norton’s Special Lube . (Available at the Sussex street Bond)

How to answer questions at a Commission of Inquiry (Because at this rate all of us will have to answer questions sooner or later)

In response to any question asked you are free to use any of the following as an answer:

• ·         I cannot recall
• ·         I do  not know
• ·         I uses to fuck his wife, sor.

How to deal with GPL

Have a Family fun night, play games such as Hide and Seek and Find the Candle for Mommy.

Have Adult games night, play games such as Hide and Peep and Hide the Candle in Mommy.

How to deal with GTT

Grin and bear it, Blaze will fix the problems.

How to deal with Digi

Call the hotline, tell them your name is Detective Homes and you are looking into the case of the Missing Credit. Threaten to jail dem.

How to spot a Dangles

Go Palms Court or Club Privilege , look around…is Wall to All Dangles, Whifey material deh home watching Game of Thrones reruns and imagining Dragons not wining up like Gorgons.

PSA on Upcoming events in GT:

• ·     Nightly mini-bus races/ Smash up.
• ·         Chinee restaurant stick up
• ·         Stabroek Friday nite choke ‘n stroke
• ·          Pick the Pogwolly date
• ·         Protest the Pogwolly date choice
• ·         Vat on School Fees protest (September)
• ·         Protest of the Protest on Vat on School fees (also September) 
•      Protest the Return of Parking Meters
• 
  

How to Handle Street harassment

All beautiful women know the problem of street harassment all too well but the Ugleeshas can also get a few Cat-calls due to the fatness of the aforementioned Cat... Ideally, women would own Guns and shoot these assholes, but we do not live is such a Utopia and the burden falls upon the Hot women to deal with the asinine Guyanese male, here are some tips for dealing with these Ignormai.

• ·         Ignore them (boring but safe)
• ·         Respond “like yuh mother own”
• ·         Walk wid an Anti-man  Gay fren to buse dem.

We do hope the preceding Public Service Announcements will inspire our local media and broadcast organizations to engage as requested by Minister Hughes.

Have a blessed day: The Guysnooze Team

Freedumb of DePress

Freedumb of DePress

The Editor was in a pensive mood as he arrived in the office this morning, none of the usual banter with the anti-man reporter or trying to steal cheeserolls from the fat bastard reporter, no playful gleam in his eyes, all he said was “meeting in five minutes”… the reporters dutifully filed into the room and took their places….. the editor began without preamble “it has been six months since the government passed the Broadcast Amendment Bill of 2017, one hour every day of public service messages, we all know it started well, reports of various planned projects for the improvement of the lives of the Citizens, layman explanations of laws, ‘The cigarette and You’  was a classic, ‘Why potato when a Plantin will do’ that kind of thing was good, but now… it seems they have run out of things to tell us, look at the transcript provided for today” ….

From the DPI 

Public Service Announcement 180

Dear Citizens, we the Government has been hard at work for to make your life better, these important things happened since our last PSA yesterday;

• ·         Our Glorious president woke up in good health and had a wonderful bowel movement; our Prime Minister himself inspected the product and marveled at the sheer volume of it.
• ·         Minister Harmon added the newly created  Ministry of Flippant Replies  to his portfolio to make that 35 in all, his responsibilities now include Ministries of Denial, Flippant Replies and Press conferences, The Prime Minister himself approved the additional ministry and was on hand to shake the hand of the Minister of many ministries, Minister Harmon said he was grateful for the handshake from such an important person as the Prime Minister and he hoped he could get a new ministry every day just for the opportunity to stand next to such a shining star!
• ·         The Minister of Business today approved a license application made by Otisha and the Brutal crew for a Lumber business in and around the Georgetown Cathedral, this special license will allow the crew to take hard wood and make it soft. The Prime Minister congratulated the new business owners and said "if I had hard wood I would give it to you, your service sounds wonderful".
• ·         Minister Patterson was given an honorary PHD by big sawaki Iflaw for fixing a pothole at the entrance to the Tertiary education facility, the Minister will not be called ‘doctor’ because it is simply a ‘Pot Hole Degree” and not a doctorate… next time Patto, nex’ time…was the promise, The Prime Minister was on hand to congratulate Patto and remarked that under his regime “potholes were now being filled with real tar and not black sawdust” Minister Patterson expressed his delight at the presence of such a busy man and engaged in a lengthy conversation on the cost of black sawdust.
• ·         The GDF today had a Medal award ceremony for all Officers who were engaged in Operation LOLLYGAG the previous week, next week those engaged in this week’s Operation SKYLARK are expected to be awarded chest hardware.The Prime Minister pinned the medals on the chest of the Officers who were in awe of his pinning abilities, “it was like watching my wife pin a diaper, how a man could master such a complex art is astounding” said the GDF Chief of Staff.
• ·         Rupert leff the wuk again, more to follow as he will meet with the Prime Minister to appraise him of his reasons “the PM is the only intellect that may understand” said Rupert in his terse announcement this afternoon.
• ·         Minister of Legal Affairs Basil today handed a bitter defeat to his arch rival PPP scallywag Nandlall as they engaged in a brutal game of Tiddlywinks, Nandlall demanded a rematch be ‘booked’ but Basil said he would not trust Nandlall around any kinda book… The Prime Minister awarded Basil a fine set of Commonwealth Law Reports   Law Reports of the Commonwealth law books for his achievement of finally beating Nandlall at something…anything…
• ·         At the COI into the Plot to Assassinate the Character of the CoP, Kakahole Ramnarine said that Seelall used to fart stink and Blanhum is a suspected bugger batty and that he (Ramnarine) is not, despite his penchant for wearing make-up. The Prime Minister was too busy to attend today’s hearings.
• ·         The Minister of Greenery (See Minister Harmon’s portfolio list) today announced that Durban Park is to be transformed into a green area…”we will let the bush grow back in keeping with our green policy, in fact watch the bush grow back all over, even the girls growing bush now that Gillette and Nair got vat.” ..said the Minister, the Prime Minister lauded the move and said “everybody know I come from bush, in fact some say I still belong in the bush” …the Minister of Greenery thanked the Prime Minister for his time and explained that it was on the brilliant recommendation of the PM that the area was designated to be greened… “the PM said leh the bush grow and cover ahm…so we are going to take his sage advice” said the Minister.
• ·         Leader of the Opposition naysayers Dr Doom Jagdeo is expected to submit a new list of candidates for GECON Chair next week, The President is expected to reject it and name a new chairman for GECON , the Prime Minister is expecting to be consulted on the new appointment but may have to wait until the winter “the President tell me himself that he will consult me when hell freezes over, so I expect this will be sometime in January” said the PM .

Well …what do you guys think? By next week it will be all about how much whores Broomes ketch?...the reporters all refused to look the Editor in the eye, we all now knew this was the death of Freedom of the Press. What a DePressing thought...

How to land a Billionaire!

How to land a Billionaire! 

In a shrinking economy a few things happen, one most notable micro-enterprise springs up in our midst, Marriage, yes, traditionally ye olde standby of young lovers in good times, this enterprise becomes ironically  popular in hard times by those looking for a soft ride, it becomes attractive to all, from young maidens to Iron maidens and many a dangles betwixt.

With a plethora of celebrity women SUCH AS Rihanna and Serena hooking up with Billionaires many a GT Girl and/or old Fowl are asking themselves “Where’s my Billionaire?”  and “How do I ensnare same?” …well fear not, the Guysnooze Team while not billionaires do have connections to that world, our cousin’s first wife had a mother that used to clean Abramovic’s toilet on Tuesday’s, so we know what we are talking about when we present to you the full guide to securing your very own Billionaire.

The first step on the road to being a satisfied Mrs. Billionaire is an honest self-assessment, in the words of our prize winning author “is your glimmitty still glammitty?” The answer is crucial to your chances of success; many billionaires are Chinese who dislike swimming in Oceans, to help you we present the Glammity Scale 0-10

Score	Description	Possibilities
0	Is it in?	None!
1	Barbados Ocean	Hugh Hefner (He’s after Arm Candy, Glammitty not an Issue)
2	Harrison’s Cave	Lamont (Sanford son) Dummy!
3	Georgetown Cathedral	Pope London
4	Oasis Cafe	Starving Writer, well known for being a big dick!
5	肥猫 (Féi māo)	Wang Hung Dong (Chinese Billionaire)
6	KFC	Finger licking Billionaires abound!
7	Tight like a Tiger	Austin Power’s Fasher
8	Tight n’ Sweet	Mr. Beyonce (think he name Jay Cee, neways the big lip bannas)
9	Hotel California	They can check out anytime they like but they can never leave…
10	Snapping Turtle	The shiznit! Please contact us for confirmation tests.

Unfortunately, the Glammitty of your Glimmitty is not all that’s required for you to wrest those Billionaires away from the likes of Serena and Rihanna, after all those ladies bring athletic ability and some ‘other’ skills to the table, so where are you on the “Sexperience” scale? Do you even know what Monkey Style is? Time for the Sexperience Scale: 

Description	Score	Possibilities
Missionary	1	Grass cutter
Drunken Master	2	Bank Clerk
Cat on Hot Tin Roof	3	Minister of Government
Monkey	4	Pope
Karma Sutra Slut	5	You are on your way to the High Life!
Doggy	6	Millionaire
Doggy with friends…	7	Millionaires
Doggy with friends while Dwarf records	8	Multi-Millionaire
Let Dwarf join in…	9	Son of a Billionaire
Agouti look back	10	The shiznit! Please contact us for confirmation tests.

As you can see from the above scales and performance required, snagging a billionaire is not an easy task, should you however feel that you measure high enough on both scales, please feel free to contact the newsroom for an independent examination, not to worry, we know a dwarf…. 

Editor’s Note* Do not fall for the Billionaire trick of ‘taste n’ buy'... you are not a Ginep!

Rose Hall Residents Celebrate freedom from sugar!

Rose Hall Residents Celebrate freedom from sugar!

Rose Hall Resident Celebrate freedom from sugar!

The Guysnooze newsroom was rocked by the news that rival organizations were being paid to provide favorable coverage of Government news and to throw the occasional bit of shade the opposition way, we immediately let our editor know that we too needed to get in on this lucre. He was amiable to the idea and we did some brainstorming and then sent the following to the PravdaPrime Minister.

Dear Neighbor ,

I apologize for the barking of my dogs late last night, those silly animals were trying to keep a few bandits from breaking into the laundry room, when caught they said they heard a rumor of ‘money laundering’ , anyway chach, Lets face it , Guysnooze ent paying the bills and our writers would like to see if we could fall in on the lil side freck that OP sharing.

To demonstrate our skills , We have written a few stories to send in instead of a CV.

Rose Hall Residents Celebrate freedom from sugar!

A massive crowd gathered today in Rosehall to celebrate the closure of the sugar estate there, workers whose foreparents came under indenture arrangements over a century ago were openly grateful to the A-whee Party Not U-wan (APNU)for removing the yoke from around their necks, free at last was the sentiment , many spoke of finally being able to move on from the slave like labor of cutting cane and expressed desires to explore entrepreneurial avenues such as fry breadfruit chips, cassava chips and chicken foot, a few more ambitious individuals even mentioned entering the lucrative field of politics. A few individuals linked to the vicious dictator of the Previously Powerful Party (PPP)attempted to ruin the celebration by pushing themselves into the front ranks of the march while holding protest signs, they subsequently posted selfies on social media and stories of a massive protest on a plethora of news sites under their control. Prime Minister Whohasmuchtodo was quick to let the minions at Pravda Chronicle know that this was to be countered with stories of him eating sugar-cakes and petting puppies at a tea party.

Opposition Leader Jagdeo wants to smoke weed legally!

In a shockingly honest (for the former dictator) admission, Opposition Leader Jagdeo called for changes to the Marijuana Laws, he asked that he and all other citizens be given the right to get high on the ‘ganja’ plant, he further indicated a willingness to support possible large scale ventures in cultivation of the male species of the plant. “we want to allow conscious voting on marijuana” … Reporters were unsure if the Opposition Leader meant that members of Parliament would be allowed to vote according to personal preference on marijuana laws or if he meant they would be high on the dope during sessions, he could not be reached for clarification.

Sincerely

RS

Editor

Now if the PM and his Deputy of Pravda Information (DPI) not impressed by the above and would rather stick to the humdrum shade on the dam….

Five Things we learned this week in GT.

Five Things we learned this week in GT.

5. Minister Jordan plans to measure growth in economy using different yardstick. Everything sounds bigger when measured in millimeters. These two facts not unrelated.

4. We have become the land of many Arches:

• ·         The Arch no one noticed until May 2015. (Brickdam)
• ·         The Replaced Arch
• ·         The Banks Arch (location unknown)
• ·         The Traffic Jam Arch (East Coast)
• ·         The Future Linden Arch (location to be decided residents so don’t hold breath, see Linden TV Station, Linden Syntethic Track, etc.)
• ·         The Lost Arch (Misplaced by Bruk it Benn, see also Replaced Arch)

3. BeeKay to Train Mazuruni prisoners as part of effort to reduce violent crime, he is expected to provide expert advice on move from Blue Collar to White collar crime, topics include:

• ·         Political Ship Jumping
• ·         Writing the perfect Billion dollar demand letter.
• ·         How to profit from Currency Exchange rate fluctuations.

2. We are also Land of the Arch Rivals:

• ·         Rohee V Goat
• ·         Eric Phillips V Amerindians
• ·         GPF V British Terrorists
• ·         Banks V Ansa
• ·         Salary V VAT
• ·         People V Politicians
• ·         Cheated V Defeated
• ·         Freddy V Logic
• ·         Basil V Anil
• ·         Pogwolly V Smith & Jones
• ·         GPHell  V Everybody

 1.    If your woman got other men, you are not an owner you are a ‘share holer’, If you are the woman in this arrangement you are a "hole-sharer'. 

Editors Note* We have come to believe that Trotman’s referral to ‘Crab Island’ may be a metaphor for the Crab in Barrel Syndrome afflicting the populace, we could not confirm this hypothesis. 

Flag Waving Ceremony

Flag Waving Ceremony

There is much confusion about the venue choice for the recently renamed Flag Waving Ceremony , many observers expected the charade of Independence to be continued at Jubilee Park (formerly D’urban Racecourse) however, a release from the Ministry of Events suggested that Stabroek Square would be given the honor and of course a bath and new clothes, ths was quickly dispelled by the owner of Stabroek Square , Town Clown Ricedone Quick, “I nat paying for government to have bingee” were his exack words. This has led to a swirl of rumor that other venues are being considered, these include, Parade Ground, the National Park, the Car Park, the Bus Park, Globe yard ,Big Yard and Patrick Yarde. Guysnooze was able to purloin obtain a secret internal memo from deep within the Department of Excuses, we give you a look in this Guysnooze Exclusive!!!!

Reasons for change of venue for Flag Waving Ceremony (formerly Independence Flag Raising)

10. Been there, done dat!

9. Because Fuck you! That’s why! . #Culturaladvice

8. Too Dark (SECURITY)

7. Patto too busy to fix the stands. #blackouts

6. Too close to OP, security risk.

5. Lights too Bright, hurts ol’ bai eyes.

4. Acoustics terrible, God Save the Queen   Anthem sounds better when played at Stabroek Square.

3. D’urban is now “Jubilee Park” ..this is NOT a Jubilee event. #duh

2. Flag too Big, suggests penile deficiency compensation.(see Freud, Sigmund)

1. Not enough Chairs for Placing Picky People. (is all 32 ah dem want seat, none doan stay home?)

*Editor's note: Remember when we had those 50 years of Independence? and then people complained that we bring back Burnham? well it looks like we bringing back the Queen! and not a peep from the 'intellectuals' ..SMDH

Arrested Development

Arrested Development

It was an unusually quiet morning in the Guysnooze newsroom, the reporters were taking a well earned break from being ‘intrepid’, a convivial atmosphere prevailed assisted with liberal heaps of pine-tarts which were delivered by Fed-Ex from Jerries of GT (based in Florida) because everyone knows that you can’t get a good pine-tart in the real GT anymore… all this peacefulness was suddenly interrupted by the fat reporter who casually asked ‘is whe the editor deh, he vacation over, he supposed to be here today and is he who order these pine-tarts” …. The female reporter, relieved of her side job as sangwich girl due to the arrival of aforementioned pine-tarts grew instantly worried ‘not like that old skunt to miss pine-tarts, I going to make a call”… fifteen minutes later she came back into the newsroom and announced “ the editor was arrested on Friday and spent the weekend in police custody and none of my police man dem contacts want to talk about it, got to be serious, I already called the legal team” …”yuh coulda wait till dese pine-tarts done before yuh mek the call yuh know, wha’ yall think he get lock up for?”… Chuckled the Skinny reporter “well if was you it would be for ending a sentence with a preposition”… growled the Fat reporter with a look that forbade any further speculation.

One Hour and many pine-tarts later

The Editor walks into the newsroom, now a man well known for his anger is seldom seen as angry, but the reporters could see palpable waves of animus radiating from the editor’s person as he stalked his way towards the boardroom… “Meeting’ was all he said and the rush was on to find seats, offer pine-tarts and generally kiss arse before the storm was unleashed.

Ed: well as you all know, I got arrested and spent the weekend in the lock-ups, now I am a peaceful sort, who would never harm a fly, so imagine my surprise when I was accosted by policemen and accused of being a part of a plot to assassinate the President, me! Treason! Murder! …look at the transcript of the interrogation and tell me how the rass we will get out of the third world, oil or no oil…

Transcript of Interrogation

Sergeant: Good Morning, you are accused of being part of the assassination plot against the President, tell us who else in it with you and we will make things easier for you…

Suspect: Me? VAT on Education is a bigger danger to the President than me...Plot? …Ow Bagwan!... Me? How yall come to this conclusion?

Sarge: we caught you passing messages via the Facebook, on Thursday 20^th April you posted..and I quote “may the blood of Jesus protect our President as he travels to meet the Queen of England”

Suspect: ????? and… that’s a crime?

Sarge: The plotters are planning to kill the President on one of his outreaches, you were telling persons about an outreach, we not stupid you know!!!

Suspect: many would beg to differ on your last statement but I learned of this trip from the papers…

Sarge: aha! Papers, so you admit to plotting! Where are these papers? And how did you obtain them? Talk! Before I dig two lash in you!

Suspect: the papers deh home by me, most likely in the toilet…

Sarge: Constable!!! Take a swat team and go retrieve those papers, the suspect was trying to flush the evidence!

Suspect: sarge, I buy them papers like everybody else… how come is only me getting charge?

Sarge: Corruption! Who you buy them from, who selling the life of our president for a few dollars?

Suspect: I buy them from the lady at the corner, she does be there every day selling papers…I still don’t see…

Sarge: Shut Up! ….Constable, if you see a woman lurking with papers, arrest her, arrest her!!!

Suspect: so is all the people selling papers you gon lock up? Dis place gon full…

Sarge: you brazen son of a bitch! … Yes! I will lock all of the conspirators up!

Suspect: I think we call them newspaper vendors, is waterfalls newspapers I get my information from…

Sarge: Inspector!!! I have broken the suspect; the conspirators are posing as newspaper vendors! This thing is bigger than we thought!

Suspect: Could I request old fashioned torture, I would prefer to be beaten senseless than listen to your struggle with logic, send for Constable Brown the one they call Boy Blue…. I done talk till then…

Interview ends.

Ed: ya’ll see what people have to go through on a daily basis with the Great Pack of Fools? When I left there they were looking for the mentally disturbed person who mek this whole nancy story up to begin with… I all for raising police pay and employing people who less dunce than these.

Skinny Reporter: chief… you had any ‘experiences’ in the lockups?

Ed: you see me walking funny like you?

*reporter’s note: The Editor was walking lil funny in truth, but who would dare say a word?