Guysnooze Guide to 911

Guysnooze Guide to 911

The GPF has announced that the 911 ‘system’ is ‘finally’ up and running, now, this ‘news’ has us in shock, we have been calling 911 for years, of course we been on the line for years too, because no-one ever answered or if they did, you got the ‘hole-an’ until you died, got burgled or otherwise endured the suffering you were hoping to alleviate by making the call in the first place…now, we are being told, that GTT and DIGICEL, entities know for ‘great’ service had ‘revamped’ the service and ‘trained’ new police operators, even as he made the announcement, the Acting CoP, true to his ‘backstabbing’ ways, expressed ‘concern’ about the ‘attitude’ of the newly trained operators. While the Acting CoP’s Kakahole-ish ways are seemingly intrinsic to his character, we at Guysnooze are outraged at his attack on the untested 911 operators, we have always held that the problem is not the Operators or the ‘system’...but is a cultural one, it is not what you report ,but the language that you use to report your ‘emergency’  that will get it placed on the priority scale, to assist you, dear Reader, we have provided a few examples to ensure ‘fast’ response.

Situation 1

Citizen feel pains in Chest, Citizen calls 911

911: 911, what is your emergency?

Citizen: I having chest pains

911: you know is only 2 pm right? This number is for emergencies only!

Citizen: I think I am having a heart attack!

911: look sor, first of all, it is daytime, sun bright, nobody doan dead from heart attack in daytime,ketch a bus and go to Public, if it was nighttime we would have sent an Ambulance so unless you call back tonight, nothing we can do for you sor.

Citizen: I am dying from heart attack and you telling me to wait until night for an Ambulance?

911: are you a Doctor sor?

Citizen: No…but...

911: So how you know is heart attack you having? …sor, what you had for lunch? Eggball or something?  Is probably gas you got, just buss a fart and stop bothering the 911 operators who have real emergencies to deal wid… goodbye sor. CLICK.

To avoid the preceding scenario, Guysnooze recommends you do the following:

Citizen: 911, I have two emergencies operator

911: what are your emergencies sor?

Citizen: I am a millionaire without anyone to leave my money to when I die ….and I think I am having a heart attack!

911: Sor, keep calm, where do you live?

Citizen: I lives in Bel Air …but I am visiting a friend in Sophia, can you send an Ambulance?

911: Right away Sugar, you hold on for Momma, I coming wid the Ambulance to ensure you gets the best care government money can buy, stay on the line sweetie, the Ambulance driver is a Notary we can sort out a will on the way to Public!

For those experiencing the pains of Child birth, please be reminded that this is not considered an Emergency service and any claims of ‘unbearable pain and suffering’ will be met with thrown shade to the tune of  ‘yuh din sufferin’ when you two foot was open’ …spare yourself the stress, ketch bus, much faster than the ambulances anyways…

In case of Fire, first of all remain calm, shouting ‘fire fire’ will not help… calmly inform the 911 operator of the situation and try to give useable directions. Do not do the following:

Citizen: Fire! Fire! Send the fire reel quick quick!!

911: Sor, can you give me the address and directions please

Citizen: in Sophia, is a big Big fire yuh cyan miss it the whole place bunnin down

911: yes sor, I understand it’s a fire , but where sor where?

Citizen: I jus’ tell yuh, in Sophia

911: yes! We know it’s a fire, but where is the fire?

Citizen: the fire in Sophia lady, how much time I got to tell you? The neighbor house bunnin’ now, me own done flat, I gon let he call and try wid dis stupidness…

*when did So-fee-ah become Suh-fie-yuh?

As stated earlier, there are no ‘real’ emergencies during daylight hours but there are also classes of incidents which should never be reported, Rape for example carries a conviction rate of less than 1%, , only those with sadistic need for punishment need to call the GPF and be interrogated by questions such as “ what yuh was wearing?” , “yuh sure is rape?” , “but he is yuh family, how yuh gon do dee man duh?”…. females are advised to plot suitable revenge, suggested methods include: Piezun, acid, boiling oil and ice-pick to the heart…

The following are also not emergencies: Vehicular Accident with no deaths, fight at Rum shop, hairdresser put the weave in too tight, blackout, Gay domestic violence…well… it is still a felony to be Gay so some level of self-incrimination would be involved…

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Now for the ‘real’ emergencies, thief man… first some tips, never say you ‘think’ a thief man in the yard… ‘think’ don’t get the popo moving, you got to ‘see’ and at least three, never one…never! , It helps to say they have guns,,but be careful to say is ‘small’ guns, do not EVER say is “nuff man wid machine gun” … the Police may never come, nuff machine gun causes shittings  diarrhea in the GPF and vehicles to ‘break down’ .

 Sample Call 1

Citizen: (hushed tones) Help, thief in the yard

911: goodnight, what is your name?

Citizen: Ramlall Persad, of 101Prashad Nagar

911: ok, sor, you got anything that the men would want to thief? In your house?

Citizen: I got nuff thing, come quick, we could ketch dem!

911: sor, are the man armed? 

Citizen: yes, all of dem got two hand…one walking lil handicap tho...

911: I mean do they have guns?

Citizen: meeno, you want me to ask dem? I could send me wife, we not seeing eye to eye recently…

911: sor, the patrol is on the way, stay inside the house and keep quiet, and remember the ‘boys’ dem working all night and yuh could bless them when they reach…

Citizen: Bless dem? ….I is not a pandit..

911: sor, you is a town man, doan play stupidee…

Sample Call 2

Citizen: thief in mih yard, send the squad quick

911: goodnight sor, can I have your address

Citizen: 102 west rhymeveld

911: you sure is not yuh neighbours in the yard?

Citizen: is thief man, nuff of dem wid gun and cutlass

911: can I have your name sor?

Citizen: John Jones, I am a mason

911: are you calling to confess to a crime sor?

Citizen: what? Look, is a set of thiefman in me yard…

911: is wha’ you do dem John?

Citizen: is cause I black yuh treating me suh, when Ramlall call yall does send police quick quick! …before we could even break…ah mean before the thieves could even break in the backdoor, so I hear…

911: sor, this has nothing to do with race, is the fact you is a Mason,do you know that 90% of the inmates of Lot 12 are masons? The police coming to collect you for questioning…. John? John? …..CLICK

Sample Call 3

Citizen: I would like to report a robbery

911: who has been robbed sor?

Citizen; well, the robbery ent happen yet, but I know when it will, I know about the plan!

911: excellent sor, can you tell us where and when so we can set a trap for these criminals sor?

Citizens: The robbery will occur in Guyana precisely on Election Day 2020 madam!

911: Dr Jagdeo, please stop calling, you ent got spelling class to attend?

Citizen: I demand action! Forward this call to Jimmy Carter or the United nations, somebody..anybody

911: keep calm sor, I sending the ambulance, we will be taking you for a lil driving to a PPP stronghold…in Berbice…

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Sample Call 4

Caller: heya! I would like to report someone passed close to my fence and threw a banana peel over the fence! like what the hell man!
911: your name ma'ma?
Caller: I am Mrs. Sam Wachowski of Exxo...
911: The Police, GDF and People's Militia are on the way ma'ma, Ministers Trotman, Patterson & Hughes have been alerted to your plight and are on the way, President Minister of the Presidency Harmon has cut short his annual vacation to Tahiti and is on his way back, he asks that you stay inside until our forces secure the premises... dem lazy police ent reach yet ma'ma? it has been two minutes already, I apoligize for the delays...