Freedumb of DePress

Freedumb of DePress

The Editor was in a pensive mood as he arrived in the office this morning, none of the usual banter with the anti-man reporter or trying to steal cheeserolls from the fat bastard reporter, no playful gleam in his eyes, all he said was “meeting in five minutes”… the reporters dutifully filed into the room and took their places….. the editor began without preamble “it has been six months since the government passed the Broadcast Amendment Bill of 2017, one hour every day of public service messages, we all know it started well, reports of various planned projects for the improvement of the lives of the Citizens, layman explanations of laws, ‘The cigarette and You’  was a classic, ‘Why potato when a Plantin will do’ that kind of thing was good, but now… it seems they have run out of things to tell us, look at the transcript provided for today” ….

From the DPI 

Public Service Announcement 180

Dear Citizens, we the Government has been hard at work for to make your life better, these important things happened since our last PSA yesterday;

• ·         Our Glorious president woke up in good health and had a wonderful bowel movement; our Prime Minister himself inspected the product and marveled at the sheer volume of it.
• ·         Minister Harmon added the newly created  Ministry of Flippant Replies  to his portfolio to make that 35 in all, his responsibilities now include Ministries of Denial, Flippant Replies and Press conferences, The Prime Minister himself approved the additional ministry and was on hand to shake the hand of the Minister of many ministries, Minister Harmon said he was grateful for the handshake from such an important person as the Prime Minister and he hoped he could get a new ministry every day just for the opportunity to stand next to such a shining star!
• ·         The Minister of Business today approved a license application made by Otisha and the Brutal crew for a Lumber business in and around the Georgetown Cathedral, this special license will allow the crew to take hard wood and make it soft. The Prime Minister congratulated the new business owners and said "if I had hard wood I would give it to you, your service sounds wonderful".
• ·         Minister Patterson was given an honorary PHD by big sawaki Iflaw for fixing a pothole at the entrance to the Tertiary education facility, the Minister will not be called ‘doctor’ because it is simply a ‘Pot Hole Degree” and not a doctorate… next time Patto, nex’ time…was the promise, The Prime Minister was on hand to congratulate Patto and remarked that under his regime “potholes were now being filled with real tar and not black sawdust” Minister Patterson expressed his delight at the presence of such a busy man and engaged in a lengthy conversation on the cost of black sawdust.
• ·         The GDF today had a Medal award ceremony for all Officers who were engaged in Operation LOLLYGAG the previous week, next week those engaged in this week’s Operation SKYLARK are expected to be awarded chest hardware.The Prime Minister pinned the medals on the chest of the Officers who were in awe of his pinning abilities, “it was like watching my wife pin a diaper, how a man could master such a complex art is astounding” said the GDF Chief of Staff.
• ·         Rupert leff the wuk again, more to follow as he will meet with the Prime Minister to appraise him of his reasons “the PM is the only intellect that may understand” said Rupert in his terse announcement this afternoon.
• ·         Minister of Legal Affairs Basil today handed a bitter defeat to his arch rival PPP scallywag Nandlall as they engaged in a brutal game of Tiddlywinks, Nandlall demanded a rematch be ‘booked’ but Basil said he would not trust Nandlall around any kinda book… The Prime Minister awarded Basil a fine set of Commonwealth Law Reports   Law Reports of the Commonwealth law books for his achievement of finally beating Nandlall at something…anything…
• ·         At the COI into the Plot to Assassinate the Character of the CoP, Kakahole Ramnarine said that Seelall used to fart stink and Blanhum is a suspected bugger batty and that he (Ramnarine) is not, despite his penchant for wearing make-up. The Prime Minister was too busy to attend today’s hearings.
• ·         The Minister of Greenery (See Minister Harmon’s portfolio list) today announced that Durban Park is to be transformed into a green area…”we will let the bush grow back in keeping with our green policy, in fact watch the bush grow back all over, even the girls growing bush now that Gillette and Nair got vat.” ..said the Minister, the Prime Minister lauded the move and said “everybody know I come from bush, in fact some say I still belong in the bush” …the Minister of Greenery thanked the Prime Minister for his time and explained that it was on the brilliant recommendation of the PM that the area was designated to be greened… “the PM said leh the bush grow and cover ahm…so we are going to take his sage advice” said the Minister.
• ·         Leader of the Opposition naysayers Dr Doom Jagdeo is expected to submit a new list of candidates for GECON Chair next week, The President is expected to reject it and name a new chairman for GECON , the Prime Minister is expecting to be consulted on the new appointment but may have to wait until the winter “the President tell me himself that he will consult me when hell freezes over, so I expect this will be sometime in January” said the PM .

Well …what do you guys think? By next week it will be all about how much whores Broomes ketch?...the reporters all refused to look the Editor in the eye, we all now knew this was the death of Freedom of the Press. What a DePressing thought...