Jubalicious Edition

Jubalicious Edition

The Editor was in an unusually ebullient mood, sharing out drinks and cigars at our weekly meeting. “Yes, boys and girls, I am in the jubilee spirit, isn’t it wonderful to be Guyanese?” we could only surmise that some one of he old fowl dem come back and clear the dust out of he balls… but it was a welcome change from the mix of general irascibility and early Alzheimer’s, akcep an’ bless.

“listen don’t let my seemingly happy mood fool you, today is war! The PR guru known as ‘Rumrade Bash’ has gone too far, he tagged me in dat dam Sharmaine Blackwell video again! This heinous attack on my eyes and ears cannot go unpunished, we need dirt and we need a plan…suggestions?” …Pisan he skunt? … “I think he doing dat himself, yuh eva see dee man drink…bottomless pit, is like the chronicle banna and food… mark my words one day he gon get fat… wha’ ‘bout if we…aw fuckit, leh we pisan he skunt an’ done”

In odder news, our NY based reporter had the gumption to tell he govt that a fren buy he a ticket fuh jubilee “look babes, is a text saying pick up ticket at JFK, wha’ yuh think it mean?”  “you spend the chirren money on ticket?”…. “nah babes, mus’ be one of the boys… Regina Colludeum Fa Vaginum the old school motto heh heh” he replied nervously, well the upshot is she say go, enjoy the jubilee but leff the credit card dem, we bai pick up the bag he had pack and buss it before the chain get yank back… all was going well, he was tekking a nap in the comfort of Fly Jamaica first class when he suddenly think ….wait, dat was too easy… is wha’ she up to?.... by the time the flight land yuh boy in a tizzy, he forget about the Moneyca he was going to meet all he thinking ‘bout is the possibility that somebody else holding Donna now… as he get signal he call… it ent help dat she sound breathless when she answer, ‘you, you , oh, you ok?” she asked   “I jus reach, but I miss yuh bad babes, I coming back now now” he declared… “oh, baby, I love it! ah mean I love you. You coming for me? You want me to come too, oh gawd ah coming!” …”babes?…babes?… what going on?” …”ahm I was just so excited at the thought of coming to join you for jubilee honey, I dropped the phone”… we boy start to have misgivings, ah mean if he get blow it done pass from the sound of it so he better get he own in to even things up… “look, doan worry, I gon be fine, call you in a few days” . On the way down from the Airport he asked if “Geeyana had become the land of many arches” the taxi man say no Sor, yuh sayin’ it wrang, is …. asses… land of many asses …an’ wid duh freshwater accent yuh gon fit rite in.

In real news Minister of Dodgy Affairs declared that the former administration was racially biased in the matter of awards, the Minister made these assertions as he made the feature address of the African Guyanese Awards Ceremony, sadly the irony was lost on the goodly minister.

“Yuh see the report ‘ bout awards bass?”  chief reporter declared “Is award season bai, everybody and they dawg getting one, you get any bass?”…well so much for the good mood the editor was in, the man start to rant… “they racial… I am an African like everyone else on the planet, fuss dey try to cut me out the reparations racket, now I hear dat I not eligible for the African Guyanese award, what the fuck happen to Lucee or whaeva the skeleton name that prove all awhee is African eh? Dat like is a convenient fact or maybe it’s because I don’t have an African name like M.Maxwell  or E. Phillips… dey only giving black people dis award, the rest of us Africans are being discriminated against…I want dat on record… yuh recording dis?...who tell you yuh could record me? I wud chatree yuh skunt hey….put in a call to the coolie people arrival committee, tell dem me grandfather been pon the Hezporus , yes same ship as Lisa Ancestors, see if they want run something, Order of Gandhi or even Honorary Hare Krishna status… “Sor, dey say dey not stupit, dey know you is ah African, how yuh like party and drink mackeson” … “well dats it lads, I ent getting nuttin…and ah sure dem gon give the actress a CCH and confuse the fuck outta everybody in ‘merica”…. C.C.H Pounder C.C.H.

The jubilee committee today thanked GPL for providing an authentic experience for the visitors and remarked that the return of the ‘choke n’ rob’ culture happened just in time, we were worried with all the crime solving and confessions, but thank heavens about 60 of dem miraculously tek up the profession, we are informed that this miracle has been credited to Pope Healmanwhoswell whose investiture was a reason for jubilation all by itself, the new pope has declared that his mansion and the yard will now have State within a State status as accorded the Vatican , the new country will be called ‘Carnationville’ , since the New Pope has been invested miracles have been recorded all over Guyana , here are some that have been authenticated by the other Arsebishops:

• A man made a call from a Digi to GTT and his $2000 credit did not run out after 1min 5seconds.
•    All ten pieces of cassava purchased by a housewife for dinner were good.
•   All 4 LIAT flights to Guyana departed and arrived on time.
• A small boy brought back change from the corner shop.
•  C.N get off he deathbed and tun ViSA card, he deh everywhere (2 Miracles)
• M. Maxwell apologized for using an ‘African’ name, he will now write as M. Odafoka.
• Despite fears that only ‘Uncle and Auntie’ coming for Jubilee, ‘Mamoo and Ajee’ arrived at CIJA .
• Samantha was able to keep all four of she visiting ‘frens’ separate Friday nite at Palms Court.
•  Raphael aka Carrion Crow was able to sell the contents of his suitcase for enough to cover expenses for the trip home and lil flash cash to impress the binnies.
• A Dangles ketch feelings.

Have you had a miracle in your life recently? … Did it happen after you donated a tin of milk marked GPL or placed anointed cloth on your goadee? …we want to know, write us at tinofmilk@pope.com

Due to current state of the economy, I am thinking about becoming a Pope also, well maybe a super-pastor to start, I too have performed miracles, dis one girl tell me she thought she was destined to be alone forever and I gave her a bottle of Scope mouthwash and two weeks later she get marrid! And dis other time my friend couldn’t find his keys and I said ‘have you looked in the lock outside the door” and there it was! …Now fuh find a flock and some disciples in this Land of many Judases. 

First service will be held at a date and time to be announced, worshipers are asked to walk wid chicken, potatoes ,pasta noodles and magi cubes, tins of milk are also accepted. Bless.

Gee Tinder

Gee Tinder

In what can only be described as an explosion, the Tinder ® dating app has blown up over the last few weeks, we at Guysnooze, never ones to sit on our laurels were onto the story immediately and assigned a team of reporters to investigate the phenomenon, our results are chronicled below.

Our first reporter made an online profile that listed him as John Smith, from New Yark, single heterosexual male, middle aged, his report is as follows:

Well fus, ah run into the ghetto barbies, this group tek ghetto-fabulous to a new level, most of the profile pictures were of dem next to a latrine, some had empty toilet-paper rolls, dese women squeeze dey-self into dresses five sizes too small , none ent shape like coke bottle …unless yuh counting two-liter …. And the fus thing they asking is if yu coming fuh Jubilee, so I said yes and went with the least terrible blonde of the bunch. I turned up for the ‘date’ with flowers an’ ting, imagine my surprise when the woman come out she house accompanied by an ‘entourage’ , mayhem as all seven of dem squeeze in me lil cyar, of course dem had one man wid dem, dey ‘cousin’…we gon get back to he later… so I ask where I could drop the fam off before we go to palms court…not a rass! All going wid we, I seh arite and we head down, well when we reach, all of dem pass in the place and deh pointing back at me, when I reach front I find out is three grand a head and I paying fuh everybody, 24G later, I inside and everyone of dem done gat drinks in hand , mackeson, guiness, some drink dat on fire… and yes, I get the bill, another 24G and dat only the fuss round! ……. Well, I man not stupid, I tek a drink and start fuh get close to the bamsy, so I wining pon it and I lean forward and ask she if she know ‘bout ‘tantric Sex” … she say yes, yes, … but jack ent had time fuh fuck Rose on the boat but the bitch woulda get it in the water if she was Jack and dem had plenty space pon the wood…. Then she start drop it and pick it up, but she tights had a hole dat was getting bigger every time she drop it and the fucking waiter keep coming back fuh tek drinks orders….well I know the boss not known as ‘el cheapo skunto’ fuh nuttin’ so I mek like I going to the bathroom an’ I beat out… as fuh the ‘cousin’…. I hope he did wearing a condom, cause the daggering did getting serious when I look back…

The second reporter listed himself as Akmal Khan , businessman from Toronto with offices in Dubai, well he story is instructive:

It seems that my profile info attracted every dam dangles in the land, I never see suh much woman smiling like duck and offering to ….well anyway I not here for poetry, I just went on a date to see how the ting would play out, the girl seh she name Samantha and she reach by me wid a taxi, ah think she and the taxi man is fren, cause dem sure sound friendly and I ent see no money pass…anyway we reach palms court just in time fuh see yuh boy ‘John Smith” beating out over the side fence, well is every man in the place pass by and say ‘hi’ , funny ting is all had different name fuh she, is ‘babes’ ‘princess’ and ‘darling’ whole nite… the girl ent dancing , she jus stan up deh wiggling the BT, an’ leh mih tell yuh, is one sweet BT, it roung like a basketball and she got real feg control, ah swear the ting could wink… to she credit the drinks ent cost nuttin… some one of she uncles been in deh and he sport we whole nite, he prappa squeeze up he niece basketball but he did lil drunk and I play me ent see nuttin’ , is GT ‘family business’ is national policy and I cyan change dat, the problem come later when we leff the place, she taxi man turn up like he did know we coming out and then she start a new tune, we need to pay the taxi a special rate, then when we pull up by Marriott and I ask she inside, she say yes but…but she was going to collect some money from a friend (at 4AM) but if I gave her a 40 grand she could send the taxi man to pay she light bill… well is the boss money and the BT like basketball, so I say no problem and dash it pon the seat, then she say and…and she mother in hospital and she got to pay the small bill, if I got another hundred grand it would help and she would pay back tomorrow, so I throw dat down too… before she ask fuh anything mo, I ask she if she name ‘Moneyca’…well imagine my surprise when the taxi man shub me out the cyar and cuss me up, I watch dem drive away and start laff cause if ah din laff ah woulda cry…. btw…blue balls is a real ting.

Based on these and other reports we can advise visitors to ask the following questions before going on dates with locals:

• ·         Are you a drama queen?
• ·         Are you a queen?
• ·         Are you a member of the group known as The Kings Jewelry World Girls?
• ·         Natural or weave?

The Adventures of Jubille, the Fifty dollar bill and other stories.

The Adventures of Jubille, the Fifty dollar bill and other stories.

My life began in a Mint, but my story begins when I, the top note in a stack of Commemorative $50 dollar notes was presented to the President of Greenyana by the Governor of the Bank for inspection…

GP: Guv, how dis thing red? Why not Green and Yellow? You ent get the memo?

GB: Excellency, the memo come late the order was already put in and plus Priya woulda direct a freal blast we way, discretion being better part of the valor an’ all…

GP: yeah, but the problem will be with what the people will call this bill…

GB: no worries sir, our research shows it will be called a ‘Naggas’ , it Red but was given prominence by your Excellency , just like Cde. Nameerkaram ….a betrayal of sorts but with little value, the ‘Granger’ is still the biggest bill to rule them all.

GP: (Laughs) a naggas eh, well the people have spoken….I guess if the writing was in Chinese it would be a ‘Joe’….

The President then put me in his pocket, out of the corner of my eye a small tear fell, how quickly I had fallen, from a mighty commemorative bill to a nameekaram in a few minutes…but worse was to come….

GP: Mrs. Excellency! Come see what I have brought for you, a small gift, the first $50 to be issued!

M.E: Davie! How sweet of you… I will treasure it all my life!

GP: They are calling it the Naggas!

M.E: oh…. Oh… red …on our side… ohhh…I don’t want to touch it now….

GP: Dear …(looks like cow buss rope) what’s in a name? girl we got real problems wid cohesion, today was only nagas , he wife an’ anmah fuh the odder side… it ent look good…

M.E: It would help if you didn’t refer to the as the other side, darling, but you are the best most thoughtful man, thanks for the bill…. (takes me from him)…later she’s on the phone …yes, girl he give me the ting but me in want it no mo, but ah cyan tell he dat!...yuh see me on the cover of the magazine… no girl, is not Shabba is Shabow… yes, they deh ‘rung lang time…uh huh, well is so it go.. but if he think he getting the helicopter drop fuh dis he lie, eh heh, talk to you later, bye….. Puts me on the coffee table…later a wind blows and I end up in the yard…. To be continued

Read next week’s installment to find out how our hero survives being snatched from the pocket of a pensioner, how he gets thrown in a gutter in a drug yard for being ‘fake’ and who rescues him will shock you!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Robin’s Souvenir Shop

I ent go lie… things tite, but enough wid the love life… onto the daily grind, the Mala shop closed, the Protest shop losing money because as soon as the apprentice protest staff learn the trade, they going off on dey own, they cyan read, write much less spell but dem getting’ wuk at lower rates that we can charge, so it’s back to the drawing board, dis Jubilee ting heating p an’ I man thinking I could mek lil cheese selling authentic Guyana Souvenirs, ah mean if the guvment could sell dem 50 dollar bill, who is me to say no? I am buying some along with other items and opening shop.

Items, Uses and Prices

*all prices expressed in terms of Guyana $50 commemorative bills GCD’s

‘Cheated not Defeated’ Posters signed by PPV MP Charlie Shakespeare . 20 GCD’s.

GPL Glow in the dark dildos for those blackout nights, …Fuck GPL? …Think again…go fuck yourselves!. Ask about the Special Balata items for Throwback Thursdays #tbt  Nuff GCD’s

The Collation App: Amazing app turns all of your pictures into Green and Yellow masterpieces, daily reminders of how you have the Good Life ® , other features include VIP access to Propaganda Minister’s private thoughts written by Eggball Con. Iphone, Android and Mango Pelter versions.  5 GDC’s.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The President announced 5 more B’s were added to his highly successful ‘Plan B’ which was about bicycle an’ ting.

New  B’s

• ·         Bandit
• ·         Bugger
• ·         Bullshit
• ·         BK
• ·         Bring Back Burnham

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Observations

The recent GuyExpo was a success but many critics were quick to point out that PrisonExpo had more locally made items and showcased the true creativity of Guyanese.

Bai Shan Lin ent tekking leff dem kicking back like Bai Shoalin Soccer team. #bankimoon

New Day, New Motto

New Day, New Motto 

As we reported two months ago, the Ministry of Social Confusion had announced a competition to choose a new motto for Guyana, “it is abvious dat the ole one of One Peoples, One nations, One destiny is not inspiring us” said the inspiring Minister in the non-existent ministry, “#itistime for change, we challenge the youth of the nation to get out of the gutters (after work) and think about our nation and what you want it to become…after all it is you who will inherit the mess we old folks will leave behind”. A prize of Five Million Dollars will be awarded to the person whose entry is chosen to be our new motto. Judges for the competition will be the ubiquitous All Righton and some odder no-name brand people.

In a follow up, we are proud to be able to give you the top entries as determined by the esteemed panel of Judges.

Shortlist of Mottos

10. All in the family. (Submitted By Laurence of A-labia)

 9. We all equal, All ah we is whores. (submitted by Thin Slice)

 8. Vote like ah Boss, dig ditch like ah Ass. (Submitted by Council of Yutes)

 7. Leff Sumting. (Submitted by D. Poleece)

 6. No Country for Poor People. (Numerous submissions)

 5. Guyana: Don’t ketch feelings. (Submitted by I.B.A. Dangles)

 4. El Dorado: Lost City of Fucks given. (Submitted By C.Rum jr.)

 3. In E.F Corriea We Thrust. (Submitted by Uncle Putucks)

 2. Bigger the Flag, Bigger the Pole. (Submitted by Mike Hunt)

 1. 4G or not 4G? That is the question. (Submitted by A. Fullahman)

 The winning entry will be announced by Bob and Larry directors of  Secrets Inc. who generously donated the prize money.

Editor’s Note : The Judges stated ‘Abandon all hope ye who enter here’ whilst most fitting was already is use elsewhere. 

Golden Jubilee Film Festival

Golden Jubilee Film Festival

Release

Ministry of Entertainment

The Golden Jubilee Film Festival will be held on Friday 13^th May at the D’Urban Park open air theater, all are invited.

Movie line-up

Bob and Larry build a Stadium – Hilarious comedy based on a true story.

Bob and Larry form a secret company- First film of famous comics, all hell breaks loose when the cat gets out of the bag, watch the bagmen dive for cover behind unfinished stands.

Bob and Larry get fired! – Dynamic comedy duo end up in shithouse for crappy work.

Lord of the Duct-tape (one roll to rule dem all)-  see Minister Patto in his seminal role as Mr. Fixit.

Attack of the small-minded Pilots - A sci-fi drama set at Ogle Airport starring E.F Who?

Dig a ditch, bitch!  - A hard-knock life production , featuring real life politicians instructing ghetto youth to ‘fry breadfruit’ ‘dig ditches’ and the old standby ‘don’t wait for me to give you a job, I’ve got mine’.

Shhhhhhh baby, we is family- The term  ‘fucking GPL’  gets new meaning  as blackout leads to teenage pregnancy in this poignant tale starring Lawrence of A-Labia.

Hit me up on my G-spot!- Wild , sexy romantic tale of lovers seeking the spot with best 4G coverage ,text, videos, whatsup messages fly, rivalry bloom as he’s with GT&T , she’s a Digi girl… shades of Romeo and Juliet.

Shut up and let the revolution begin in peace- Docudrama, Silence is Golden is the main theme.

Flyin’ Hi and Laying Low – Decadence in Shanghai , Prudence in GT, a modern remake of Dickens’ classic,A Tale of Two Cities. Starring Joe Jett and the fat chick from Kung Pow Chiken.

Hindsight is 50/50– A time travel epic as world renowned PHD is allowed freedom by A Foolish Cacahole, will the good Doctor accept his new found freedom or will he go back in time and win it for himself… this one stars Denzil as the dashiki wearing activist as he battles against the cockeyed scheme to deny him his rights.

CPHell-  A monstrous plot by Dr. Denis to extort hapless Ministers into paying billions to billionaires, foiled by dynamic duo of letter writing super-duper heroes, Magnificent Man and his side-kick Souperman.  

*Enjoy the comedies but don't laugh too hard, leads to crying later.

What’s in a Name?

What’s in a Name?

Who hey remember Eugene? …nobody? Well yuh gon mek new memories now, The Eugene International Airport is upon us, and it will be remembered as the thing edge of the wedge… because the Renaming of Things and places is about to start, no stone will be left un-turned or in dis case unnamed ,what’s in a name you say?.... I say be careful what you wish for, one day the Square of the Revolution …. Well neways, Guysnooze was privy to secret documents about the various name changes about to be made, here , enjoy yuh sneak preview and try keep up.

Presidential Decree #404

List of New names of People, Places and Things in Cooperating Republic of Guyana.

Berbice Bridge – Varshanie’s Passage

Brickdam – Gordan Mostley Dam .

Donkey City – City Hall Square.

Plastic City – Alzheimerville

Canje Pheasant – Green and Yellow Wren.

Ogle Airport – Small Mind International  Airport.

Incest – Family bonding time.

Eggball Can – Eggball Cant.

Amnah – Shabba.

Harmon- Houdini.

Carifesta Avenue- Hard Bench Way.

Public Building- Scotland’s Playschool for Infants.

NSC – Now Say Cheese! 

CPL- Cricket Party Lost.

Uncle Raff – Uncle Lyrick.

National Stadium – I.M. Knott Burnham Stadium.

D’ Urban Park- B. Tioles Recreation Park.

Next week we will explain what those Regional flags mean, Region 1 Turtle gon get rush now...sigh, best kept secret flying pon flag... what nex? 

*Surely ya’ll remember Minister B. Tioles …thanks A.I. 

The Eggball Man

The Eggball Man

Who against Eggball Can?

Who dares challenge the PM man?

D’ Purveyor of In-for-may-shan

Final arbiter of what is right

Leh Bish Panday puh dat in he pipe

As I go into the good night

Tears and teeth gnashin’

Left and right

The shovels are out for the Eggball Man

But who talkin’ about the chronicle board plan

I have no fear

I is Eggball Can

I am the eggball man

My word is law in the lan’

Pass the sour an’ fire the man

Doan tek yuh eye pass Eggball Can

I wield power and influence

I am the sword

Of the Nameekarm

The big

The bad

The Eggball Man

I pen my missives

With the left

As I gently bite

Into the cassava delight

Topp’d wid Mango sour done right

I bristle with righteous indignation

Take umbrage without hesitation

FIRE DEM!

Might is right!

And I am the mightiest

Of the Eggball clan

The one

The only

Eggball Can

*I swear Shanta's ent pay me nuttin... 

GT Man

GT Man

Bey Bee……..

Is you tired of getting’ blow?

Is you fed up of crying on Mon-daze?

Leh me tell you about a way out the maze

Show you the way to get freaky and break away

Time to let a GT man

Educated you to the ways of our lan’

Cuz when I dive on you

Yuh will forget the lemonade

Gyrate yuh hips and misbehave

Yuh will come like an ocean wave

Breaking on the shore

Yuh will leff lie down pon the beach

With a big smile on yuh lips

(Chorus)

Girl I gon grind yuh down

To a happy nub

I got the rubber waist

Yuh could be the top

The queen bee in charge of me

Until the break of day

 ‘Till you grind me down

To a happy nub

 I will take your hair

Ova’ Becky own anyday

Pull on dem locks

na’ wisper nasty tings in yuh ear

give yuh the good pipe girl

make yuh push back and breakaway

(chorus)

Girl I gon grind yuh down

To a happy nub

I got the rubber waist

Yuh could be the top

The queen bee in charge of me

Until the break of day

 ‘Till you grind me down

To a happy nub

so come girl, dry yuh eye

plenty of fish in the sea

even one or two like me

let the GT man take the wheel

drive you to the promised land

when I rest it on you Bey

make yuh bawl and start lickway

talking in tongues to say

Robin yuh hit the right place

time to throw way

all mih lemonade

embrace the taste

singing Bey Bee you is the one

at last I undahstan’

what they mean by GT man.

C’mom bay bee do it again..

(chorus)

Girl I gon grind yuh down

To a happy nub

I got the rubber waist

Yuh could be the top

The queen bee in charge of me

Until the break of day

 ‘Till you grind me down

To a happy nub

Big up to mih boi Robert 'Dublin' Hiscock and listen to his great new single GT Woman