“Who Bex drink Marvex” …Anon.
Everbady vex, vex, bad bad , so naturally the Guysnooze
editor sent the trusty reporters into the malls, streets, dangerous alleyways
and even more dangerous mini-buses to ascertain the mood of the people and what
exactly was causing this anger in our dear land.
We begin with Samantha (not her real name) traveling on a
mini-bus on the east bank towards GT.
GZ: excuse me miss, I could not help but hear you suck yuh
teeth repeatedly as you checked your smartphone (saying smartphone gets people
to talk to you easier)
Samantha: well yuh damm fass wid yuhself, (sucks teeth)
..but ah might as well tell you and the WHOLE bus (looks around challengingly)
well, lemme tell you , I bex bad , bex that NCN
and the town council ease up on the name and shame, I dress up totally on fleek and drop litter from
top of regent street to bottom, I ent get ketch and no picture on NCN or
facebook,
GZ: why would you want to get caught littering?
Samantha: like you
stupid! Yuh ent see Amamda from betta hope geh nuff marrid offer from new yark
and dem men dropping panty in Kissoon Street like Sisqo, sheer Tong ta tong tong
tong, then lass nite a pandit come an’ offer she free ‘jaray” service to tek
way the shame, he bring he own lickker and cigarettes, dowm the end deh she did
really repenting and hollerin’ fuh gawd , so I did hoping fuh fall in pon the
fame littering brings… but like they racial…stweeps ….
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We then passed by the parliament buildings where we found the
much maligned Financial Zwar Brassy
holding court or forth to anyone who would listen that he was innocent of
everything he had ever been accused of, in between talking Brassy frequently
bellowed “Jai-paul hyuh mudder come” , this sounded suspiciously like the
lyrics of a calypso by Crazy so no questions were deemed necessary.
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As usual there was a
protest going outside the parliament, lo and behold, Freddy pon the picket line
again, Guysnooze just had to ask why.
GZ: Fredswhal yuh
look lil hot under the collar deh, we could talk to you?
Freddy: of course , anybody could talk to Freddy, but Freddy
is angry, you might not like the things you hear…
GZ: is wha’ mekkin’ yuh vex now chief?
Freddy: is the government, they are oppressing the
proletariat, they have become just like Stalin!
GZ: Stalin??? … not
Hitler?
Freddy: they have betrayed the people; we elected Caretakers
not Paytakers (starts chanting).
GZ: anyway Freddy, the editor wanted to know something
important from you.
Freddy: anything! I am an open book!
GZ: Ahm (reading from paper)what kind of hair dye you using
and what if any other products are you using?
Freddy: tell that fat skunt to fuck off, dis is me natural
hair (sputters in outrage)
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Next we ran into the Educated minister, who also had a scowl
on his face (what a day!)
GZ: Minister, Minister! Our readers would like to know what
would make you scowl on pay day?
Min Woofert: I am vexed, the Christians hogging the prayers
in schools, Shano and Buddiasm are never given a look in” I just had meetings
with the head of the Pan African jaguars who said “they praying to White jesus
only , not a prayer to Black Jesus” so I
will be working to correct this immediately.
GZ: In a follow up by telephone asked the heads of various
other religious organizations for their thoughts.
Swami Sumtingordeeodder: ade bapre , who is wanting to be praying can be praying, god in in
the head, the godhead, Jesus, Rama, same difference ..samjay? nahie samjay?
Imam Khan: Jesus is one
of the prophets of Islam, so we have no problems, who is stirring up religious
strife where none exists?
Who then should we see , but the Minister of Diwali and
other Insecurities.
GZ; minister, could you tell us ….
Cecil: go to hell, don’t bother me now!(storms off)
GZ: ahm, bodyguard guy, is wha’ happen to we bai ? usually
he gat time fuh we…
BG: bai, a pandit visit the man lass nite and “Jaray” he
hard hard…he ent talking to nobady since…
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Guysnooze was granted a 2 minute interview with none other
than the President, who , despite being labeled the new Kabaka and also
enjoying a pay hike was also in a foul mood.
President: of course I am angry, is dis set of pooknars I
got wukkin for me! Dem tek pay raise, cayn explain it and den drop it on me, I
did going good, nagas and joe did tekkin’ all the blame fuh everything till
now, but no! dat skunt had to go and say
“trust me”… now Ralphie bai talking about “Honeymoon over” and I was just about to announce our ‘Back to
the Future” plan, where we take Guyana back to 1979 and implement all the
failed ideas but mek dem wuk dis time….
GZ: suh why ya’ll really raise ya’ll own pay?
Presi: is cause dis seta pooknar ent know fuh thief yet! We
paying them to learn on the job, look the one get ketch trying fuh beam up 3.2 million fuh a
land deal, Hardman ups he but then we realize that if we did not take action
some of we would end up in jail later, is jus time till we figure out how the
PPP bannas dem did doing it.
GZ: and if it turns out that they was jus’ small timing ….or
you can’t figure it out?
Presi: well den is annoder raise, brother got to grate that
cheese!
GZ: so ya’ll used to say the PPP was ‘canecutters on a
hustle” wha’ yuh would call yuhselves?
GZ: (we get throw out by the Brother on a Hustle)…sigh…
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Well it was on to the House of Cards (3) in Robbs Street, where Comrade
Rotee was expressing his disappointment with the Government for not opening a
Law school, now yuh woulda think that having Anell around woulda cure the
longing for more lawyers, but dis banna head hard hard… the day ended on a better note as we caught
up with former president whats his name who was laughing so hard tears were
streaming down his face.
GZ: care to share the joke sir?
DR: bai, I jus’ get served a lawsuit by “bounce check”
Mozart, fuh one Trillion dollars, the man ina class of he own, I did callin’
Onrico fuh share the story, but you could tek exclusive.
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* Mozart wait the six months for bounce check prosecution to expire tho...#billions
