President's Secret Visit with Obama! SCOOP!

No News IS News!

Scene: Guysnooze Editor’s Office

ED: Boys and Girls, what the hell going on? None of you have filed a story in days? Like ya’ll feel party card gon save yuh wuk, nat here! Nat here! Hurmphhh!

Reporter G: buh bassman, how yuh could unfare we suh, nobody ent doing nuttin’, PPP sarchin’ fuh a leader an’ the guvament minister dem quiet like church mice, dem ent doing nuttin! , well the broom lady ketch some whores…buh we done report duh an' since the wata gane down, Patto tek aff he lang booths and cock up he foot pan the desk, nobady else ent doin' nuttin! 

ED: well , uhm, yuh might have a point, while yuh was sniveling I was using the google, it seems INews, younews, newsnow, newsource, guynewsmedia, maskita, marbunta and all ah dem deh in the same sauce, nobady ent gat nuttin fuh report, Mosley like he scratchin' he balls, he drawin' pitcher of people pun brown bag…hmmm..Suggestions….

Lady Reporter: how ‘bout we call all the other news services and ask how the lack of news affecting dem?

ED: How about you go mek some sandwich (is how she get on hey?) Look, ya’ll got to be more proactive, the President went pun a secret mission fuh meet Obama, an’ nat a peep from none ah ya’ll?

Reporter M: what! Eds , yuh is a boss! We can Kerry dat scoop! We might even get tek up by one of dem fancy news service , roiters or AP! If Neil  marks can do it, so can we!

ED: bai! Siddung! I was jus’ sharing a hypocritical, dat may or may not have happened! Your job is to pose the question so dat somebody feels compelled to anser it!

Reporter G: so we gah mek stuff up? How about we call dem Minister an’ see wha dey doing?

ED: all ah dem busy tryin’ fuh fine out wha wuz in the PPP pot, who get wha’ , fuh how much, who uncle aunty brother drivin’ Benz in de states, who gat nice house, dem is new crimes…dem ent know ‘bout hard wuk an’ margauge.

Lady Reporter: so? You know if Michelle was with Obama wen he meet Presi? , any idea wha’ shoes an’ dress she wuz wearing…my readers wud wan know!

ED: Dear Lord, is why yuh givin’ me more burdens dan a man cud handle! Jesus take the wheel and while yuh drivin’…see if yuh could knack down dis woman…. Ease mih pressure lil bit. Ahm..to answer your question, why not write an article about what Michelle should wear if she meet we good comrade President.

Reporter: Obama Meets Guyana President in War Council?

ED: ah…somebody thinkin’…now go forth and write…. Meeting done, pass dem sandwich out.

* We have been raked over the coals for the obvious sexism on display above, but since it’s all fiction (except the Obama meeting?) we suggest those offended, go forth and fight the sexism that exists in the real world.

Were it possible…..

Guysnooze has noted with alarm the swift move by the APNCF Government to backtrack on promises made on the campaign trail, recently Minister of Re-education Cde. Woofert had this to say about H.E Greenshirt’s campaign promise to make Teachers the best paid civil servants… “were it possible, we would do it but…..” this reckless exercise of power instead of promise has not gone un-noticed and many are getting in on the act, the following incidents have been reported to our Editor in the last 24 hours…..

A man tell a whore “Were it possible, I would pay you, but I done break”

A customer had a hearty meal at Uncle Tight& Sweet (sound like hookers involved ent?) and then stated “Were it possible, I would pay for the meal, but it is your fault, you give me the food fus, now me belly full, I doan need you no mo”

Guysnooze apologizes to Minister of Citizenry and mash, we suggested that he was lax in granting status and passports to Golden jags quartet, after seeing dem play, we would like to tell the man we sorry and suggest he tek back the passport dem, was like watching Waste Indies play football….

The DPI   “Eggball” Khan clarified that his title means Director of Public Irrigation, or we pee on your stuff then light it up and watch it burn. 

*editor's note: we hate slow news days, is really Guysnooze out hey! 

Whore Catcher

Whore Catcher

*Soca Riddim

I yam the ministah wid de broom
An’ I got a tip fuh you
Keep yuh loley in yuh pants
Pokey bizness close down
Broomesy raid the town
Bartica man gah fuh pump
Or hug up each adder wen dey drunk

Chorus
I am the whore catcher
A real cock blocka
Dem call me the
Big panty enforcer
….. No more g-string in de lan’
Leh dem man break by han’

Cathedral gurls in full flight
Not a word from Oteshia
Brutal crew can’t be found
I enforcing morality
No more “battam wash”
Round de worl
or topstick buggerin’
we only gat time for tea
a hug an’ peck pun the cheek
be chaste an’ live long
no more chasing whores
to satisfy yuh dong

Chorus
I am the whore catcher
A real cock blocka
Dem call me the
Big panty enforcer
….. No more g-string in de lan’
Leh dem man break by han’

Look the police ketch a man
Dem say he had two balls in he han
Turn out he is a juggler
Tryin’ a ting in the lan’
Keep the sugar bowl cover up
leh yuh drawesy print out
show dat yuh pokey nat for sale
Or we go jail yuh tail
I come fuh sweep it clean
I ent kay wah red thread seh
Leh dem ol’ biddy try deh
When lass dem see a dick?
Much less tek it deep?
Dem ol’ Ooman gat a jealous streak
Yuh gurl Broomesy on fleek

Chorus
I am the whore catcher
A real cock blocka
Dem call me the
Big panty enforcer
….. No more g-string in de lan’
Leh dem man break by han’

I am the whore catcher
A real cock blocka
Dem call me the
Big panty enforcer
….. No more g-string in de lan’
Leh dem man break by han’

Guysnooze Week in Review 13-06-2015

Guysnooze Week in Review 13-06-2015

Another week in the bag and it’s starting to look like Christmas will be late this year, Santa will not be keeping promises made on the campaign trail, in fact H.E says , ya’ll lucky I ent raising nuttin’, well thank yuh Comrade Leader, thank yuh very much, so without further ado, it’s your week in review.

Monday began with the dread news that the Golden Jaguars had run into difficulties securing citizenship for some of its members, Minister of Mashramani and Citizenry , Cde.Rolex had this to say” leh dem come an’ talk to me, an’ leh dem know they gah come right, me in wan no tight jersey, passport is bizness, leh dem no duh” in response, Golden Jags coach said… “is the same buddup,Jaguars are still being led by Jackasses, I thought things would change, all that change is the  size of the jackass, dis one is a big a Jackass!”, ..more to come on this story next week.

Reports from around Georgetown suggest that the Vector control Unit was trying to find the Headquarters of Internet muse service “Gt Maskita” , houses of known Already Found Collaborating members were subject to 10 minute “fumigation” exercises, Kill the Maskita was the directive of new DPI ‘Buse man” Kant, “it has served our purpose, now it must die” …bzzz, bzzz, can get irritating eh?

There was a small protest outside the Ministry of Committees , Leena Flea of Beri beri fame was seen along with the usual suspects, Benkok , Fredswhal and…and the Minister of Committees Cde. Bullcan, when questioned as to why he was protesting his own ministry, the Minister sheepishly apologized and said, “old habits die hard, I got an addiction to cardboard and the smell of permanent markers” , he then left the old gang and made his way into his Ministry….

H.E Cde. Greenshirt addressed the first sitting of the 11^th parliament, he urged those present to “get on with the work of the Nation” there were loud cheers of “hear hear” which was followed by the declaration of a two week holiday/recess.

Minister Brooms has taken her war against sex workers to another level, not satisfied with the “No “ Whore Lef Behind” program, she has now taken aim at “Sexy Workers”, yep, all dem office girls in dem tight up skirt, lil g-string panty covering big roung BT, stocking an’ high heel, NO MORE! , Minister Brooms noted “it is not safe, man watchin’ dem sexy girls and getting stans, some tripping ova, some driving into trench, it is creating an unsafe work environment, it is a leading cause of Alzheimer’s, men forget dem got wife” the Minister defended her decision stating “this is TIP, Traffikin’ In Phatness”. Minister of Prickle Afares , Cde. Moustache said “I am nat sure where they fine dis woman”, Guysnooze was unable to determine if the Hon. Minister was referring to a TIP victim or Min. Brooms.

In unrelated news, a Betting pool was established to see which minister will be first to be fired, despite her whore finding abilities, Brooms is favourite to be the first to get marching orders at 6/5, at the other end of the spectrum is Amnaah  who is described as possessing “cockroach like survivor abilities” is an at 500-1.

The President later answered questions about his appointment of former Military officers to key advisory positions, in reply he said “I junta be very clear, we are not militarising the Government” he then ordered the new advisors to ‘Left turn! Quick march, lef’, Lef right now” , dem banna could march tho…

The PPP has not made the week in news, no doubt they feel “Cheated not Defeated” by the omission, we await the return to relevance, but given the current attitude, we are not holding our breath, they would be well advised to take the advice given in the “leaked’ email.

Guysnooze Progress Report

Guysnooze Progress Report

30 days of Change

Guysnooze has been inundated (word of the day) with reports of change from all sectors of the Guyanese population; we collated the best of them to give our Report on the first 30 days of the New administration.

We begin with numerous reports to the GPF by various vagrants and junkies that well dressed persons armed with rubber gloves and rubber nazi boots were stealing all the vagrants shit, according to “Redman”  “dem people come jus’ suh an’ start pick up we shit, I man loss everything! , one fine girl pick up me whole house (read cardboard box) and jus’ stuff it in she black plastic bag, we got rights too” , the GPF have responded by lashing Redman with a wood and changing his mind about future reports.

The new Minister of Sexual Protection announced her new initiative – “NO WHORE LEF BEHIND”, it has a stated objective of saving one old whore at a time, leaving entire communities without whores, the initiative also targets safe sex practices and has led to many questioning how much a government should get involved with citizens sex life,  One man who refused to be named, said”I was jukin and bam, somebody grab me loley and put on a condom, the whole ting was traumatic, I do leh any an’ everybody touch me loley” . The Minister countered with “lolo and patacake is me business, I gat an award fuh dat!” ….

War drums beating , with the Venoes big bad bus driver ,  treating to unleash he Perros de Guerra. Guys Don’t Fight commander Big Brig retorted in spirit of Churchill, he stated, “we shall fight them in the letter columns of newspapers, we shall fight them with mosquitoes, malaria and dengue in they skites” … more to come on this developing situation.

Locally, in an unprecedented move, Freed PC Murder accused, sued “alleged” victim’s family, says victim deliberately, with malice, stole a moving warhead from his intended target, that the loss of the warhead caused him untold pain, suffering and indignities at the hands of the GPF and intimates of the prison at Camp Road.

His Excellency Greenshirt held his first (long overdue) press conference today, it deteriorated quickly after a hard Times reporter asked about his administration’s flouting of due process in the firing and hiring of Public Servants, in response H.E said “ I am writing your questions down, see, now I am handing them to my press secretary  Bevs , she is now peeing on your questions and look, there! …….she has set dem on fire, dats what I think of your questions, yuh gat more? Cause she can pee kero whole day!” …no more questions were asked.

Letter of protest

Dear Excellency,

We, the Guyana Comics Association would like to lodge a strenuous protest about your ministers, they are actively engaging in comedy and our lively hood is suffering as a result, one in particular is causing distress, while Minister Brooms, says “she is not just a comedy show” the facts speak otherwise, she has instituted a Pokey patrol together with a large Batty guard, while some are angry about having to sleep with their own wives and husbands, many are laffin dem silly heads off, our jokes and shows pale in comparison to the actions of the Minister of Sexual Protection.

We demand you reign in this cock blocking, lucknie, black cakeish behavior at once!, a happy people are a ..well happy people, to paraphrase Moses (of old naT Fat Spock) “let my people whore” , we know we have the full support of the Aggrieved Guru of Faring , Pharo Willies.

We look forward to you kind attention.

Aseta Kamics

GDF plans A-Z

With war drums beating in the chest of all patriotic Guyanese in the face of rass from nex’ door, Guysnooze asked our army about plans in the event of open hostility or outright war, we were told that the Guys Don’t Fight had plans A-Z for all eventualities, we were given a sneak peek, here’s:

GDF plans A-Z

A – All awhee run way!

B- Back away from the border slowly.

C- Close we eye an’ pretend to be asleep during the invasion.

D- Wear Depends in preparation for D’ Shittings!

E- Espanol, larn fuh tal the spanish lingo quick, "you quiero tu madre" an' ting...

F- Fuk aff and keep fukin’ aff, lef the Fightin’ to other Fuckin’ armies.

G- Get out de place quick!

H- Hide, then High-tail it in the adder direction!

I- Inform the guvamant dat we ent gat boats, Venezuela claiming the water, wha’ yuh wan we do, Swim?

J- Jump in mini-bus, car, van and Fuk aff (See plan F)

K- Kaka weself when the shooting start (as usual)

L- Lef Right, Lef right out de place after the fus bullet fire.

M- Learn to say “Que te ame mucho tiempo” or me love you long time, worked for the Viet-cong, didn’t it?

N- Nod yes when dem Venoe ask if we want surrenda!  (si senor, rendicion mucho mucho)

O- Organize Protest (see Plan P)

P- Prepare Placards for Protest, after surrendering, use the slogan “cheated not defeated” and protest vigorously outside the Chairman of War office.

Q- Quietly slip away from the fighting.

R- Run like skunt!

S – Shit up weself (as normal)

T- Try bribing dem Venoe with toilet paper (Tengo el papel higiénico)

U- Mek U-Turn when the shooting start.

V- Vehicle breakdown excuse shall be given to the guvament, is wu fuh de police all the time, suh why it cayn wuk fuh we, goat ent bite we!

W- Welcome the invaders with open arms and wait for the Yankee to rescue we. (see Plan Y)

X- Unknown, but it involves Vaseline…..

Y-Is dee Yankee dem fine Oil , leh the Yankee fight de war.

Z- Declare Essequibo a No-go Zone.

Guysnooze Week in Review 6-6-2015

Guysnooze Week in Review 6-6-2015

What a week! First the Guysnooze crew went on strike accusing the editor of being guilty of “control freakism” , it took a few hours to convince staff to give up smoking, drinking and partying and return to work, after a few hours of worship, they finally ketch sense and delivered the weekly review.

The week began with floods, but who cares? Really, no biggie, it rains, we use the fridge boats to deliver the relevant Ministers to Kokers, they stand around in long-boots, make pointy gestures and go to cabinet for a lil freck, problem solved!

For World Environment day, the soldiery of the nation cut some grass and cleaned a drain, for this they were all awarded “Environment” medals and given an extra pound of cheese with the regular rations. Well done, the plan is to have them cut the grass at Camp Ayangana one day and release the current contractors.

  Stabroek News named a different Speaker each day this week, we began the week with a Ford and ended up in Scotland … this new approach to journalism has been referred to as “throwing shit on the wall to see how much sticks” , so much for facts and credible sources.

A new Director of Public Information has been named, response was immediate with one local wag saying “Animal farm had Snowball, we get Eggball” ….

The Guyanese Fukup Federation (GFF) today revealed their new goalkeeper “Fat Spock” , in invited comment “Fat Spock” said “dis jus like being prime ministah, me stan up in wan karner an ah watch an me nahgamuchfudo , he also took the opportunity to endorse cake soap (was it the lighting?)

Waste Indies Coach Phull took to twitting about his team’s loss to a bunch of old Kangaroos, borrowing heavily from the PPP/C’s playbook, Phull insisted they were “cheated not defeated” as the four runs that were stolen from his team “changed the complexion of the match” , he plans to stage a protest to demand a recount, this action brought back memories of Phull’s playing days when he famously stated he got hit “above the head” … we are starting to believe him….

 New GFF goalie “Fat Spock” commented on the Waste Indies loss by saying “anything that changes the complexion must be considered, cake soap for example”

Gecon Chairman also made a statement on the Waste Indies loss indicating that “they all need a good poll”

Party close down early at Palms Court tonight, the fire chief said “PC is no longer Politically Correct”, he advised patrons to “let Jesus take the wheel” at which point Jesus pointed out that he had only recenty come from Cuba and was not sure that he was willing to drive.

The Fire Chief has stated that it is his belief that the Arsonist at the Ministry of Continuity was planning “to burn down de place”…shocking behavior for an arsonist, he also let slip that he had fire tenders parked outside all ministries for just such occasions “we did expectin’ dis. When we see the man buy kero, we call for backup” , well done fire chief, you may have avoided being fired yourself this week…

Top Ten Reasons you’re gonna get Fired!

Top Ten Reasons you’re gonna get Fired!

We at Guysnooze have taken note of the porcl… preclo…ahm…proclivity of the new administration to adhere to the management style of Donald Trump, “you’re fired!” has quickly become a catch phrase bandied about, Ministers have been gathering the proverbial pitchforks and attendant media mobs they seek to hound citizens out of jobs, no performance reviews or due process, just ride out when you get the memo. Guysnooze reporters have cobbled together what we are calling:

The Top Ten Reasons you’re gonna get fired!

10. Minister Brooms sweep clean.

9. You wore a red shirt to work.

8. Change was promised; you had a job, now you don’t! (see ….change)

7. You appear “Sooba like”.

6. Your name is Sooba.

5. You failed ass kissing 101.

4. You work here but get paid there….(phantom blog dat skites!)

 3. It is Time to Heel

2. It is time to Heil !!!

1. You set fire to the office chair. (naughty)

*Editor’s Note: Reason 11, yuh write this rass and send to your editor!