Robin’s Migration Service

Robin’s Migration Service

Well you all know of my previous business ventures, the Mala Shop slowly eased out of business by the changing ethnic requirements of the political climate, the Protest Shop which lost too many employees as soon as they completed training, then there was my dastardly plan to steal the parking meter scam investment, to install parking meters all over the fucking place,bank, GTT, Digi, FuckinGPL and especially anywhere with a public toilet, that shit would have cost you dearly!, it would have made me rich beyond my wildest dreams however they were thwarted by the wily old mare in Town Hall who kept the agreements secret, to think that a great genius like myself has been foiled by a ‘secret agreement’ preposterous! ….this has left me with only one option, a ‘Migration Service’, no no… not one where we help fill forms wid nuff lie an’ ting, a real service where you talk to us about your life, qualifications, pickney, who does mine yuh wife etc. then we would advise a country for you to migrate to, a real service with real potential. Our first few sample clients with names changed demonstrate the quality of our services.

RMS: good morning Sir, How can we help you find your perfect migration destination?

Rastaman: hail up brother, I man thinking ‘bout …(interrupted)

RMS: yes, yes, we know what yuh thinking, Jamaica, go frigging Jamaica , smoke up yuh weed, pelt mango…goodbye , while this may seem rude, I know and you know dat rastaman don’t pay, talk till the cows come home but money don’t change hands. We refer to this as our pro bono case.

Lady In head scarf and dark shades walks in and looks around furtively.

RMS: say nothing dear lady, I suggest a country with no extradition treaty with Guyana or cars to tempt your kleptomania , say outer-mongolia or any country ending in –stan, Wuzbekistan , Kardashianstan, etc. …and Jenny… cash only please, lass time the check nearly knock over the office boy when he drop it, we doan play bouncy-bouncy here.

Man in dark shades saunters in…

RMS: no uncle Hal-Mang , please return to your ministry, you have to wait until you are fired or the five years up to move to China and spend the raise, patience grasshopper patience! Please pay at door.

Shiddy Mare: I have money, the writing on it is spanishy , look at it and tell me where I can spend it and live out my days in luxury.

RMS: dear lady, this is not money, these are parking meter rolls, they are not worth anything until they are issued from a parking meter…. No maam , my mother would never do such an act, she was a virgin sainted lady, please take your tickets and leave by the back door mam, you too maam, have a great day.

RMS: sir, please come in, you look rich and prosperous, what do you do for a living?

Man1: I am a baker, and I have made plenty money but my best client just got posted to Africa and now business is down by 85%.

RMS: must have been a great client, wait, I get it, look best bet for you is to follow the man to Mozambique …yes, pay in cash not doughnuts.

RMS: and you sir, yes you who’s looking at our surveillance system so closely, what do you do?

Man2: I in drugs

RMS: Doctor? pharmacist?

Man2: no drugs, I does export drugs, like coke an’ ting…

RMS: well why are you leaving? Has something changed here? Business not doing well? GT is gool...

DrugsMan2: bai business booming, I got dat lock, but is the growing feeling ah gat about dese kachars and kochores, I starting to feel like the big man after the dinner…

RMS: big man? Dinner? You mean Jesus and the last supper, the betrayal…

DrugsMan2: what rass yuh talking? I talking ‘bout presi after he get serve food pon a plastic plate, dat is real betrayal, no wonder the man talking about a new department fuh bingee.

RMS: sir, you are suffering from proditophobia, a fear of betrayal, we suggest Canada, those people are so nice…yes, it frigging cold like a freezer all year, but look on the bright side, you get three days of summer every year!...pay on the way out.

We hope the above examples show that we are well equipped to deal with persons from all walks of life and look forward to serving you soon, if you work for GPL , tell us and we will give you a special discount along with directions of where you can fucking go.

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In odder news, departing President Issac Hunte had a final fingle in Guyana’s mingle when he suggested that thieves be jailed , haters stop hating and suggested that all ministers should visit the A&E room at the public hospital, later under questioning from reporters he clarified that AE did not mean ‘Accident and Emergency’ but rather ‘Ass and Elbow’ as he said “most of them can’t tell one from the other”. In reply  PM Nahgahmuchfado endorsed the comments by saying “yeah man. ya’ll need to stop hating on the Naggas, can’t we all get along, Naggas is people too, police should lock up anybody who says anything bad about the naggas” , in an invited comment , PPV secretary Cde. Rotee said “ We thank the man for his words of advice and have two for him….JENNY CRAIG ” .

Pase Polla en México

Pase Polla en Mexico (Cock pass in Mexico)

“It is a sad week boys...a real tragedy… how will we go on?, what will become of us?...our editor was in a pensive mood,at times like this we miss the sangwich girl who has moved onto greener pastures, a good sangwich would surely have shaken the fat man out of the black mood, since she was not here , we tried talking to him “the tragedy in Orlando boss?” …”no jockass!” he shouted, “all who ah shoot up gay bar while shouting hallah who arbar is nat we problem, we problems deh right hey in GT, we President is departing…”…all ears perk up and the questions started flying, “what, wah happen to old bai? Cancer? Whe…ears, nose, foot whe? No? Gallstones? Gout, Goodee? “ the men were rolling disease and ailments off dey tongue like Dave Martins singing ‘bout Kisskadee… “not dat President , well it complicated, we white president who is the in facto president leffin fuh go Zimbamwe or Mozbekistan , some way in Africa” “oh…Brian yuh mean, we tort yuh was talking about the de facto president? “yes, brian ah talking about , he leffin’ so ipso facto the de facto becomes the in facto, you follow?” we are not sure we do but nuff people nod dem head, it look like a bunch of bobbleheads wukkin hey.

Speaking of Bobbleheads, the In facto President had his Bobblehead doll unveiled at his weekly cabinet meeting, this however led to much confusion as members were unable to spot the difference, to compound the problem , two of the differently sighted senior members of the Actual Forkin’ Cockeye faction kept looking at the bobblehead while addressing the president, the minutes of the meeting will show that the president agreed to everything with a nod of the head. A further disturbance was caused when the cabinet secretary Joe Lie Low asked for the real Granger to stand up, somebody slam a five G on the table and say ‘real ting”….more to follow, a cabinet reshuffle is rumored to be imminent.

Last week we pointed out that Red Herrings were in abundance, this week however belongs to Saltfish, a gang of them to be precise, the Saltfish gang so named because the leader, who is mother to most members is not fond of baths or other personal hygiene methods, not one to trust soap or water, she instead prefers to rely on the words of the bard “all saltfish sweet” … 

The investigation into the Grenadians (people who throw grenades not the people from the insignificant island) who attempted to blow up Glen’s truck have yielded more people than can be fit into a mini-bus by a zealous conductor much less a spacio, a dozen so far are in custody and more on the wanted list, the Great Pack of Fools (GPF) issued even more wanted bulletins for the supposed “mastermind” , yes, the person who planned this certainly deserves that title, after all planning to use a teen driver,in his own car disguised with mud on the number plate and idiot accomplices with no experience in explosives to carry out such a dastardly crime is pure genius, we hope this ‘mastermind’ is caught and put to teach class in Lot 12. Seriously how many were in the car? Was this like the clown car at the circus?

The other genius at work this week reminds us very much of a man my generation called Dr. Crime who operated in the 60’s and 70’s , most famous for selling the Parliament buildings to poor SOB’S, the PPV had the B’s , now it seems we got the A, B and C’s.

SCENE: Mexico City, Mexico

Dr. C: any of yall habley mexicano?

Mare, Token Fossil ,Town Clown, Flunkey: wah is duh?

Dr. C: Excellento, nots to worry, I will do all the talking, you guys just nod your head if I look in your dirrecion , sabe? I eman understand? Si? Good, I mean Bueno..ahm good good. We are here to inspect parking meters nothing more, My company installed them here many years now and I will demonstrate how well they work, then we will visit a municipiality office where they will tell you how much dinero I mean money it makes for them, good? Arite then , let’s go!

TF: where is this glorious money machine located, we have been driving around for an hour, my bladder can’t tek dis pressure!

Dr.C: eet is somewhere around here, I wasn’t actually here when it was installed, my company Goberno de Mexico did the actual installation…

Flunkey: making notes on ipad, ok, how you spell goberno?

Dr. C: not importante, look ! there it is! I told you.

Mare: (reading street sign) Calle de Con Manting…impressive, let’s try it!

The car pulls up to the spot… instantly a red light flashes on the parking meter and a voice hails the group, “beienvenodi ah mehico, pleaso payo much pesos para el parkeen.”

Dr. C: what the machine is saying is that we must pay to park.

Flunkey: I see your company sign “Propertio de Goberno de Mexico”

Town clown: what happens if we don’t pay?

Dr. C: Mexican judo…

TC: what the heck is Mexican judo?

Dr. C: judo doan kno if the police will come, judo doan know if the tow truck will come…

Token Fossil: this ting hard to use, I have been trying to pay it some pesos and it keeps rejecting them, it will never work in GT!

Dr. C: hey,look what time it is, lunchtime, I forgot to give you your lunch stipends, here is $10,000 USd each…

T.F: This meter is working perfectly now, I was doing it wrong, another question, do we get a dinner stipend too?

Dr. C: yes, dinner, breakfast, lunch, mucho stipendo!

After lunch, the group visited the local council office where Dr.C had ‘mucho contacts’, on arriving there, Dr.C asked the group to wait in the public area while he arranged for them to get keys to the city, suitably impressed , the group sat on a hard bench in the back of the office as Dr.C approached the counter.

Dr.C: hey amigo, quato dinero para un key to el city to impress el gringos backo thereo?

Official: for you my fren, special price, 1,000,000 pesos and I get the mayor to blow you if you want!

Dr.C: look do me a favor, pretend we are good friends and speak no English, here is the bag with the pesos.

Later that night after dinner stipends were disbursed, much tequila was consumed and mayors performed functions as advertised, a contract was signed.

In other infrastructure news, the Minister of carpentry announced he was not in charge of every pothole, only the ones he dug on main thoroughfares while he was upgrading them, he begged the public to keep their amateur photography of personal holes to themselves in the future. “I don’t want to see pictures of your holes” he stated quite clearly.

Fok Spielin'

Fok Spielin' 

Idiots! Shouted the editor, idiots! , those in the newsroom who have grown used to the ranting of the lunatic looked away, but one, there always is one who encourages eh? one twit foolishly asked ‘what yuh talking ‘bout chief?” well that of course was the waving of the proverbial red flag at the bull, Our government is basing policy on the lowest common denominator, we are catering to idiots and arseholes, I never thought the day would come when we would have a Department of Party and we would dig up good roads to put medians to cater for skunthole drivers…what next are we going to do to cater to the idiots in our midst?”…of course the idiots had a List waiting….including the request for Shoe Shining and Windscreen Cleaning to become  CXC subjects, the abolition of grammar and ‘ Fok spielin’.

In odder news, big palaver broke out at the weekly cabinet meeting when Cde. Rolex attempted to assault the Minister of Wood Stans, “phase out who? who you think you is?” Rolex shouted while attempting to kick the shins of the goodly minister, after the old boy was restrained, the matter was quickly cleared up as it seems that Cde. Rolex had misread a statement by the young active minister with regard to the phasing out of fossil fuels at fucking GPL, it seems he fell asleep while reading and only got the bit about phasing out fossils…naturally the old boy felt aggrieved, as per norm in Guyana, once a misunderstanding has been created it acquired a life of its own and this led to vociferous condemnation of the hapless lad, despite many protestations from the minister that it was only fucking GPL he was referring to, he was accused of attempting to undermine confidence in the government and was told to stand in the corner with his face to the wall for the remainder of the meeting. A resolution was subsequently passed to establish a COI into his behavior and possible motives and a Department for the Protection of Fossils was established.

In related news the Minister of Stans was asked to fill in for PM Nahgamuchfado at a meeting in New Yark, he agreed but later that day had a massive dust-up with the head of the Department of Puri and Eggball, problem started when the DPI head visited the Minister with a tape measure and proceeded to try and take the measure of the man. The minister told the Dpi that “I is not that negroe in Django, no powder blue suit for me, keep dat for yuh flunkey boss” … the DPI retaliated by pulling the tape measure tighter in the crotch area, later when the suit was delivered the treachery was plainly revealed, said the minister “the only way I could wear this suit is if I stood with one hand up like the statue of liberty whilst simultaneously crouching like Quasimodo on the other side”…. Suitgate is a developing story and more to follow.

The minister of business stated that Guyana would soon begin the export of red herrings, ”we have turned up so many during the audits that we feel knews can begin export”  . The statement was immediately refuted by Cde. Rotee who said “dem does produce dem own pineapple too, why nat let dem export dat!”  

The Business Minister who got Tourism added to his portfolio of responsibilities also came in for some criticism from a group of concerned citizens who did not see the connection with business and tourism, this is a puzzling affair according to the minister of picking affairs, who supported his colleague by stating “ when you engaging in whoreism the first thing the girls or boys or transformers ask is if you doing business” , no one tried to correct the mustachioed gentleman.

Deputy Dusbim got into hot water with the city council as his recent behavior has been deemed anti-party, “it is not bad enough he is talking without permission, but now we hear he has rejected Grangers!, there are many things we do in this place but refusing to accept the odd Granger is not one of them and this man has reportedly been boasting of sending back 20 Grangers, unacceptable!” stormed the town clown Royskunt!


*There is a difference with fossil fuels and fossil fools ent?

Department of Snooze

Department of Snooze

Hear ye! hear ye! By decree of his imperial highness a new department has been established, the department of Snooze…dats right, get all your official news from the snooze…well not really but we can dream..ent? , there will however be a Department of National Events to avoid future fuck-ups of these great opportunities to watch the army earn its keep by marching around and singing British patriotic songs, I vow to thee my country that dis is no lie, cabinet has also been discussing other possible departments, our fly on the wall was able to report on the suggestions.

6. Department of Suits. (It seems the head of the Department of Public information has suggested that the public is less informed because he is spending too much time by Jakey getting new suits made for Nahgamuchfuhdo)

5. Department of duct tape. (To accede to a City council request)

4. Department of Apologies. (Ministers see no need to apologize personally)

3. Department of Scapegoats Flunkeys. (So that the Department of Apologies would have someone to blame)

2. Department of Chair and Cushions. (requested by Minister ‘enry)

1. Department of Departments. (To provide oversight of all other Departments)

In odder news, Judge X (me ent calling name) was accused of illegal sentencing by the Prison COI , Judge X responded by inviting the members of the COI to his courtroom to explain themselves, their collective failure to do so led to him finding them in contempt of court and sentencing them to a week in prison, “a fitting way to conclude your cockamamie inquiry” remarked the Judge as he passed sentence.

The daily newspapers all carried related front page headlines.

Chronic: Prison COI to be ‘embedded’ in brilliant move to get to the truth of prison conditions.

Knews: Prison COI warned not to drop soap by defense counsel.

Hard times: Hard times ahead for Prison COI.

Stabber: For whom the bell tolls.

The Mayor today stated that the Deputy Mayor was not authorized to speak for the council ‘only the town clerk and the Public relations officer are authorized” …when asked if she was either and if not, on whose behalf was she speaking, the mayor abruptly terminated the presser and exited while mumbling ‘smart arse reporters skunt” . The deputy Mayor was contacted for comment and said ‘mmmthfuhhh, ggggssshhh muufftnh!” before ending the call abruptly.

The Guys Picking Fare (GPF) today put out a release stating that their commissioner was involved in a terrible mix-up recently, it seems the COP received a request to review security and other professional arrangements for the Olympic games in Rio, the hapless CoP was misled by his staff who communicated to him that certain Ministers wanted to go to Rio and asked if he could check on the security, never one to designate such important tasks the CoP proceeded to an establishment that coincidentally bears the name RIO, the name given was “Operation Scratch and Sniff” and contrary to popular opinion at no time did the COP compete in the ‘muff dive’ , the CoP himself stated “what nonsense! You ever heard of a Brazilian wid muff? Dem invent the wax man… nonsense!” … Following the release the GPF was visited by the Department of duct tape.

In related news , Comrade Rothee of the PPV said “the COP was there, I saw him” he then stated that Glen threw the pineapple at himself for publicity, following this , the Leader of the Opposition requested special services from the Department of duct tape.

Much has been asked as to the sources of funds for Jubilee celebrations, Guysnooze was able to learn that one such sponsor was Vybz cartel Cake Soap ® who sponsored the dolls on the table at the Big Sawaki Gala , the Minister explained “ the truth is dat dolly was not white as my detractors have tried to say but really was a paid advertisement for Vybz ,so is really a ‘high-yella’ dolly, it used to be black”

*Public Notice: The offices of Guysnooze have been move to Channapaul road, between south and regent streets, those wishing to pelt fruits such as ‘pineapples’ can try anytime.