Pase Polla en México

Pase Polla en Mexico (Cock pass in Mexico)

“It is a sad week boys...a real tragedy… how will we go on?, what will become of us?...our editor was in a pensive mood,at times like this we miss the sangwich girl who has moved onto greener pastures, a good sangwich would surely have shaken the fat man out of the black mood, since she was not here , we tried talking to him “the tragedy in Orlando boss?” …”no jockass!” he shouted, “all who ah shoot up gay bar while shouting hallah who arbar is nat we problem, we problems deh right hey in GT, we President is departing…”…all ears perk up and the questions started flying, “what, wah happen to old bai? Cancer? Whe…ears, nose, foot whe? No? Gallstones? Gout, Goodee? “ the men were rolling disease and ailments off dey tongue like Dave Martins singing ‘bout Kisskadee… “not dat President , well it complicated, we white president who is the in facto president leffin fuh go Zimbamwe or Mozbekistan , some way in Africa” “oh…Brian yuh mean, we tort yuh was talking about the de facto president? “yes, brian ah talking about , he leffin’ so ipso facto the de facto becomes the in facto, you follow?” we are not sure we do but nuff people nod dem head, it look like a bunch of bobbleheads wukkin hey.

Speaking of Bobbleheads, the In facto President had his Bobblehead doll unveiled at his weekly cabinet meeting, this however led to much confusion as members were unable to spot the difference, to compound the problem , two of the differently sighted senior members of the Actual Forkin’ Cockeye faction kept looking at the bobblehead while addressing the president, the minutes of the meeting will show that the president agreed to everything with a nod of the head. A further disturbance was caused when the cabinet secretary Joe Lie Low asked for the real Granger to stand up, somebody slam a five G on the table and say ‘real ting”….more to follow, a cabinet reshuffle is rumored to be imminent.

Last week we pointed out that Red Herrings were in abundance, this week however belongs to Saltfish, a gang of them to be precise, the Saltfish gang so named because the leader, who is mother to most members is not fond of baths or other personal hygiene methods, not one to trust soap or water, she instead prefers to rely on the words of the bard “all saltfish sweet” … 

The investigation into the Grenadians (people who throw grenades not the people from the insignificant island) who attempted to blow up Glen’s truck have yielded more people than can be fit into a mini-bus by a zealous conductor much less a spacio, a dozen so far are in custody and more on the wanted list, the Great Pack of Fools (GPF) issued even more wanted bulletins for the supposed “mastermind” , yes, the person who planned this certainly deserves that title, after all planning to use a teen driver,in his own car disguised with mud on the number plate and idiot accomplices with no experience in explosives to carry out such a dastardly crime is pure genius, we hope this ‘mastermind’ is caught and put to teach class in Lot 12. Seriously how many were in the car? Was this like the clown car at the circus?

The other genius at work this week reminds us very much of a man my generation called Dr. Crime who operated in the 60’s and 70’s , most famous for selling the Parliament buildings to poor SOB’S, the PPV had the B’s , now it seems we got the A, B and C’s.

SCENE: Mexico City, Mexico

Dr. C: any of yall habley mexicano?

Mare, Token Fossil ,Town Clown, Flunkey: wah is duh?

Dr. C: Excellento, nots to worry, I will do all the talking, you guys just nod your head if I look in your dirrecion , sabe? I eman understand? Si? Good, I mean Bueno..ahm good good. We are here to inspect parking meters nothing more, My company installed them here many years now and I will demonstrate how well they work, then we will visit a municipiality office where they will tell you how much dinero I mean money it makes for them, good? Arite then , let’s go!

TF: where is this glorious money machine located, we have been driving around for an hour, my bladder can’t tek dis pressure!

Dr.C: eet is somewhere around here, I wasn’t actually here when it was installed, my company Goberno de Mexico did the actual installation…

Flunkey: making notes on ipad, ok, how you spell goberno?

Dr. C: not importante, look ! there it is! I told you.

Mare: (reading street sign) Calle de Con Manting…impressive, let’s try it!

The car pulls up to the spot… instantly a red light flashes on the parking meter and a voice hails the group, “beienvenodi ah mehico, pleaso payo much pesos para el parkeen.”

Dr. C: what the machine is saying is that we must pay to park.

Flunkey: I see your company sign “Propertio de Goberno de Mexico”

Town clown: what happens if we don’t pay?

Dr. C: Mexican judo…

TC: what the heck is Mexican judo?

Dr. C: judo doan kno if the police will come, judo doan know if the tow truck will come…

Token Fossil: this ting hard to use, I have been trying to pay it some pesos and it keeps rejecting them, it will never work in GT!

Dr. C: hey,look what time it is, lunchtime, I forgot to give you your lunch stipends, here is $10,000 USd each…

T.F: This meter is working perfectly now, I was doing it wrong, another question, do we get a dinner stipend too?

Dr. C: yes, dinner, breakfast, lunch, mucho stipendo!

After lunch, the group visited the local council office where Dr.C had ‘mucho contacts’, on arriving there, Dr.C asked the group to wait in the public area while he arranged for them to get keys to the city, suitably impressed , the group sat on a hard bench in the back of the office as Dr.C approached the counter.

Dr.C: hey amigo, quato dinero para un key to el city to impress el gringos backo thereo?

Official: for you my fren, special price, 1,000,000 pesos and I get the mayor to blow you if you want!

Dr.C: look do me a favor, pretend we are good friends and speak no English, here is the bag with the pesos.

Later that night after dinner stipends were disbursed, much tequila was consumed and mayors performed functions as advertised, a contract was signed.

In other infrastructure news, the Minister of carpentry announced he was not in charge of every pothole, only the ones he dug on main thoroughfares while he was upgrading them, he begged the public to keep their amateur photography of personal holes to themselves in the future. “I don’t want to see pictures of your holes” he stated quite clearly.