Suicidal Thoughts.

Suicidal Thoughts.

We mean thoughts on suicide, dummy!

Our staff is happy to report that yesterday's outpouring of suicide advice has led to the prevention of a least three suicides in our besieged nation, by jove! we seemed to have solved the problem with platitudes. One young boy called us and said " I was going heng myself and den i see a pic of a man smiling and saying #yestolife an' I think to meself, if dis ugly scrawny skunt gat something fuh live fuh, I mus' gat chance at a better future, thenk you Mr.Samcho " ... well, not quite the way we envisioned it, by a life saved is a good thing no matter the logic involved, hot on the heels of that we got another report, a young lady this time who emailed us to say "I was depressed yesterday, the baby daddy ent call in three days and I hear he deh wid a new hoe, not that I is a hoe or an old hoe, I is he chile mudder fuh crrissake! I was going to drink (redacted) then I read dis story that say I kill myself yesterday and then I realized that if people cud write suh much skunt, maybe I cud mek it as a writer, after all dat bannas who win two prize is a skunt of the highest arder, and he win fuh two book nobady ever read, some give up after the fus page, so I choose to live and become a writer". signed Widwax  #thebillionaire'sbaby.

We certainly wish the young lady well with her writing and look forward to reading her books, then came the third success story, we were overjoyed, it was working, all those self righteous sanctimonious posts were working, this caller did not reveal his age, but said " I call the hotline, after the police lady talk me out of jumping off the roof, truth is, if ah din run outta credit ah wouldna climb down, she say lef sumthing fuh yuh girl nuh, I thought she talking like in a will but she say no, she could do wid a raise as she chile fadder ent deh bout and she need some money to buy writing materials for she new career, so I got to live till tomorrow when I gon meet she by Stabroek , then I could try again, but truthfully, I skin mih knee climbing up pon the roof and it hutting, so dat will have to wait." ...we are cautiously optimistic that he will be with us in the future.

As with any social program done without research, the facebook platitudes also had a few negative effects, one old man kill heself to escape all the shitty "do not kill urself advice and posts, in his note he said "I too old fuh dis shit, I wasn't even feeling suicidal, but all these choose life pictures made me ask, why? why choose life, so fuck ya'll I choose death"...being a contrarian can be detrimental to your health....and another died of poor soul died of boredom while looking for inspiration to live by reading a prize winning fiction, while this is technically not a suicide, you really got to be nuts to read that puppyrel.

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