The Weak in Review

The Weak in Review

Weak, as is weak with laughter, the previous days have been especially trying , one can literally die with laughter in Guyana, we begin with the AFC and its choice of words.English is an amazing language, one word in a sentence can be quite telling, for example when the AFC threatened to reveal PPP bank accounts with fabulous sums, the telling adjective was "Fabulous", not shameful, disgraceful or even disgusting, seems to indicate envy or admiration, not quite sure which... A Fabulous Craving to emulate perhaps? not to be outdone in the area of asinine statements, the Guyana Road Safety Council,Charge the passengers for overloading, let's not stop there, leh we charge the passengers if the driver speeding, or if he drunk, or if he driver's license  expire, in fact, leh we charge the passengers if the driver offers a bribe.

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Headlines this week screamed "RAMOTAR WANTS ARMY TO WORK"

Following up on this, Guysnooze was granted an exclusive interview with Head Honcho of Guys Doing Fuckall (GDF), the former president seems to be not aware of our ongoing operations that are consuming our time.

GZ: could you share some details of those operation with the public?

HH: well, it's very hush hush, state secrets, but I can tell you we have two ongoing operations, Operations SkinCock and Rockback, plus Exercise BushCook will commence shortly to replace Operation BackBall which has been cancelled this year.

GZ; and these operations and exercises take up much of your time?

HH: my good man, this is what we do! , of course it takes up all of our time, well, that and medal ceremonies, awards, that sort of thing, how do you think a country with no warships ended up with an Admiral? Everybody is General, brigadier, Colonel...yuh see any ranks hey? we ent got enough small ranks to cut we own grass fuh Years now... is a big bai operation we running hey...

GZ: No operation BackBall? ...but..but ..it's tradition! #change.

The Commander in Deed in a statement also told the former President it was none of his beeswax what the Army did with their time, "so what if the cost is over 3 million per solider per annum, does that mean they must earn it?, I think not! these heroes deserve their rest and recreation like everybody else, who knows when they may be called upon to fight a War".

We asked the head Honcho at GDF for a response to this also.

HH: War? War? what the hell! ...we are not that kind of Army... most of our members are professional soldiers, we serve as military attaches and go on lengthy courses of education...war? war...(we left the good man shaking his head )

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The other armed forces, namely the Police announced that they had seized 300 Kilos of Cocaine for the year 2015, upon closer investigation Guysnooze learned the figures may be a bit inflated... A source close to the action in the force claims that "is really 30 Kilos, that we seized ten times, we sell it and then seize it back, yuh know, like recycling"  ... funny business policing but good to see they have a recycling policy.

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CANU today suffered a breach of security as details of the agency's patented "Patta Coke" search techniques were inadvertently released to local media outlets, Head of the agency stated that it was bad enough that a Minister of the former regime had exposed the agency's "Skin BT" at a rally in Linden, but now whole new ways would have to be devised to check holes.

*Guysnooze staff is busy with it's annual get together to watch Home Alone on NCN.

Motivation

Motivation

After a weekend filled with sporting activity, the Guysnooze team were loath  to turn up for work on Monday, a sentiment shared by most people, that got the ol' editor to thinking (always a bad thing), why are some of us more motivated than some?.. why just the odder day, the good comrade Prime Minister was "flimed" by the D'Pickcha Imam "hard at work" for us, the people, yes, ah know..the paper was blank like he head, all staged to fool we an' suh, but still, the make wake up early, put on he dan-dan and pose up for the DPI , duh is like a full day wuk fuh he most times, cut two ribbon, kiss two baby, eat some free food, mek some mo' empty promise, ask Joe fuh a meeting to discuss 'matters of great import' ... so today's edition is all about the office discussion of  'Motivation".

It was pointed out by a junior reporter that judges did not get to work early but certainly seemed to be motivated to do some strange things, man chop up he family, run and hide from police, return to the family and got them under living under "terrorscope" , friken to seh boo, and whe the police ketch the man, he get bail pronto!.... now wha' cud motivate a judge fuh do dis? ... suspicions are starting to form about this "motivation" bizness...

Then another person bring up how Hardman givin' way he hard faught salary increase... the editor mek a call to the man an' he seh he got nuff reasons, 50 million to be exact.. well the suspicion about what motivates getting teeth....

The girl in the office den seh how like dem minister meting people and organizations getting them "motivated" to contribute to 50th anniversary celebrations, well the editor axe she if she head good, how Guyanese gat pride and how 50 is a nice round number "look, even Joe like um" he declared, the editor den tell the girl the nex' thing she bring up at a meeting better name "sangwich" .

The discussion moved to Bai Ting Ling and the extensions dem get recently, we cud well understand the minister deh, after all dem chinee is a "motivational" sort, dis new guvment did always saying the old guvment get nuff nuff 'motivation' from the same chinee dem, well, there was a twist, old bai clyde say he not understanding dis extension, how nobody ent show he the motivation... he musse tink he is Jerry Maguire!

Nagamuchfadoo, despite he name, motivated to work on saturday, he is usually president on weekends, cayn be president of the hammock or president of goat curry lime, plus the word is the man counting up the days spent as president to show he deserve a Presidential Pension Package, dem bai seh he is a ol' PPP trickster at heart, but he lawyer think he gat a case. well rite up the road from Guysnooze is the right hanarable Director of Pusillanimous Procrastination, who look like she deh pon the "motivation' runnin's too, sen the file, bring the file, kerry the file, everyday the file dem moving, in and out like a shaft in the public behind, but nobady ent geting jail, Jenny walkin' roung like bird, free free, whistling at the jailer... we can only imagine at the size of the "motivation"... nah like dem small timers, traffic police tekking towel fun motivate dem fuh move alang, or a lil ting n a black plastic bag in the court corridor, nah man, she must be getting bigger tings..

Well it could look like all dis motivation is possibly of the monetary kind, but dem got odder kinds, like when yuh got a small loley it does mek yuh want pick pon woman like Charran D'ass,... insecurity is a terrible thing...or when yuh hug up the President and hope everybody forget yuh is a chile molester(tek yuh pick, nuff deh roung) , even the conmen does get motivate , we bai Motezart tryin' a ting fuh a trillion dollars no doubt hoping to find a judge willing to be "motivated' for a share, no takers yet tho...

So what motivates you? drop us a line and let us know. motivation@tekkabribe.com

*What motivated Stabroek to publish dem US cables tho? No new information and certainly not gospel truth! I doubt that the assessment of our now President is accurate and it was a long time ago, people change ent?

Judge Gringo Lall blows his horn

Judge Gringo Lall blows his horn

It is often said Guyana is like the "wild wild west" of American history, well there may be some truth to that, why, just yesterday Judge Gringo Lall made an appearance, the good judge was in his courtroom trying to work and dem damm infernal machines kept honking their horns, now if it is one thing the loony judge likes it is to blow his own horn, he therefore moved quickly to quiet the competition, so to speak, declaring the "world is my courtroom' he had the poor horner men dragged in from the streets and charged with "contempt of Court", one poor man declared "contempt? I just got here.." the other said " I was not in contempt before, but seeing how this thing works, contempt is a verb I can live with, the rest are not printable" , after forcing the men to gamble on guilty/not guilty pleas, the lawman set fines and had a good laugh with his colleagues, the fact that fathers would not be able to buy dinner for their families was of no bother to him whatsoever, "so what if they can't buy bread, let them eat cake tonight" .

The good judge then announced he would henceforth be a "mobile court" and would no longer wait for cases to be brought before him but he would be Pro-active and nip crimes in the bud or amazingly, even prevent crimes from happening, Guysnooze reacted quickly and embedded a reporter to follow this legal pioneer and report. What follows may shock, surprise and even delight you depending on your point of view.

Judge Gringo Lall (as he is known) stopped at the Red House and announced he had made his judgement and it would remain "Cheddie" house, when asked by our reporter 'what about Burnham?" he said, I have decided , Red House for Cheddie, Castellanni house for Burnham, when further pressed about the new guys, Grainger & Nagamoodoo, he delivered judgment, DAG house and Shit house respectively , unless fowl get teeth and dem turn out to be better than useless, and the flying judge moved on.

Next Judge Gringo Lall made judgments on the suicide problem in Guyana, sale of rope - ten years, sale of indian tonic..ah mean gramaxone - 5 years, sale of knife and guns --all good, sale of cook-up by lady wid bigfoot who does deh skretchin' all the time..welcome! apart from these measures the Judge called the Minister of Social media and made an order of the court to force her to produce billboards for public education:

1. Poison kills, Nah drink ahm.

2.  Blow is inevitable, so nah tek blows, fuh givin' blow.

3. Nuff mo fish deh in the sea.

4. Henging people wid rope is job fuh judge.

5. Only judge can blow dem own horn.

Our intrepid pioneer Judge then took us on a dizzying whistle stop tour, Robb Street- gag order for man wid Goat syndrome, judge tell he shut he trap , leh one jackass bray at a time, right away a lady jump up and seh "dem sensoring the PPP" , the judge tell she no smoking in he courtroom, she shout 'you're out of order" he shout back.... "you're out of Government"....

*Editor's Note: Oppression creeps up on you, a culmination of disparate acts that reach critical mass if left unchecked, we the People have the responsibility to be ever vigilant and confront it whenever it rears its ugly head,  

Nuff Gaff Organizations (NGO)

Nuff Gaff Organizations (NGO)

In the past when feeling sick you used to drink a phensic, now it would seem the cure resides in the NGO, or Nuff Gaff Organizations, whatever the problem we got an NGO fuh dat, thick like fly, thicker than thieves, providing employment, self aggrandizement, fame, fortune but sadly it seems, no solutions, no cures, the healthiest smiles reserved for the day the check comes in from the funding fools, UN dis dat or the odder. So today Guysnooze takes a look at NGO's and what they really do in Guyana, as usual we used the "Gidharie" line of spy devices to eavesdrop, only the best for us.... we take you inside the belly of the beast, the "I Heart Guyana" NGO meeting in GT.

Charmaine: thenk you all for coming to the meeting today, there are snacks and drinks at the back, help yourselves, this meeting is funded by the UN Committee for Empowerment, the first order of business is to get our first project proposal in for funding, any suggestions?

Donna: well, how about domestic abuse? or drugs, or indignant people...(interrupted)

Jackie: I think you mean Indigenous people?

Donna: no! i mean what i said Indignant people, people who vex, who need help to calm the fuck down, people like me who are always interrupted bef---(interrupted)

Charmaine: calm down sister Donna, take a sip of the lovely UN funded coconut water.

Jackie:  well ah see yuh point... but ya'll sure we gon get funding for dese tings? it seems every other ngo doing dem ting already..

Ali: look, how about we find out what they funding and den do dat!

Charmaine: I thought we would see what we passionate about..no Donna, not you kinda passion!

Jackie: I passionate about cheese, so I agree wid Ali.

Charmaine: we all in agreement, you in the back deh, fat man... stop stuffing yuh face wid the cheeseroll and pay attention nah..the snacks ent running away... you agree wid the plan from the looks of it you got passion for cheese too..cheeseroll , hahah, arite leh we see wha available.

Ali: look dis hey, dem giving up to 10 thousand pounds fuh produce movies with local content.

Jackie: girl, Koju gat dat lack, he jus win some big prize, suh we gon get beat out deh...look again.

Sheema: well look, dem funding help fuh one foot man.

Jackie: dem got man wid one foot?

Charmaine: yes, they rare , but they deh bout.. I run into one a time, lef me walking funny fuh days

Donna: I could see how passion could be inflamed for this project, I starting to feel passionate about it already, hmm it hot in hey or wha?

Sheema: well leh we start write nuh , this thing got mih creative juices flowing

Ali: hahah girl, you look like you could do wid a good "creating" right about now!

Charmaine: well the main problem is finding dese special men, how we gon do duh one? I ent sending me patta to blows again, nat me! 

Donna: otisha din say them man fetching nuff lumber down by the cathedral?

Sheema: is wha wrang wid you, dem kinda man wan the same ting you want, no! we got to do dis professionally, we rent the theater guild and hold auditions, closed of course.

Jackie; oh gosh, it would be like Magic Mike! yes, yes! yes!!

Fat Man: (puts down patty) ya'll know dat is one leg man dem looking fuh help right? ...not 12 inch studs...

Silence........................................................................

Charmaine: ........ well yes.... any other ideas, dem one leg man done got they own racket by dem red light, and sir...you is the man from Guys News? (close enough)

Ali: I hear they got funding for linguistics

Sheema: I love a cunning Linguist

Donna: 69 is mih favourite numbah

Fat man: I cyan tek dis no more! ya'll is sex maniacs! plus dem ent got no mo pinetart.

......so Dear Reader , our high tech listening device ambled out the room as the strains of the job became too much for him to take.... in the background he hears...

wha bout suicide, people henging theyself whole day... is blow or blows causing it.... leh we fix it by offering strangers who look sad cuddles, or coffee, or ...

*GT has more Nuff Gaff Organizations than anywhere else per capita. #1 

Pope of Thieves

We rarely carry letters to the editor, but exception are made.... as in this case.

Dear Editor,

We the Association For Criminals (AFC) have noted with alarm the President's reconvening of the National Security Council , our members fear this will lead to discrimination against our method of earning a livelihood. This government continues to wage a campaign of aggression against our community, first they introduced scab labor by releasing 60 workers into our profession before they had completed their training stint at our Lot 12 facility, then there was a 'gun amnesty' where they tried to trick us into giving up our tools of trade, but this last act has us really worried, a NSC means lots of meetings and plans, crackdowns and so forth, this means that some of our foremost members who also serve in the armed forces will be put in a most awkward position, both planning crimes and prevention of crimes, now .we noted government attempts to divide the Hindus with Diwalidate gate, be warned this cockeyed approach will not work with us, at our recent meeting to share the spoils from the raid on Amerika street, All  Persons of the New Underworld pledged allegiance to the Association For Criminals.

Our message to citizens is to always be prepared to encounter our members, it continues to be a source of irritation to our flock when you appear surprised and don't give we the fockin money immediately when we axe for it, be prepared people! have everything you treasure at hand or you could get shot in the foot!

This missive is the first in our Public Relations campaign "Church Boys Gone Bad" , look out for the video on a CCTV near you.

Sincerely

The Pope of Thieves 

Guyana Fuh Dundaheads

Guyana Fuh Dundaheads

This free writing gig not working out well for the staff at Guysnooze, with no "brown bag" in sight we decided to monetize our knowledge of local culture, in the tradition of the 'For Dummies" series of books, we will be producing a "Fuh Dundaheads" series, below we give you excerpts from selected works.

Ministah Wuk Fuh Dundaheads

Chapter 1. Advice for new Ministers of Government

Being in high office is not the same as being high in office.

Being Minister of Tourism is not an license to traipse around the globe on the taxpayer dime, instead you should be promoting Guyana as a destination, mek up shit so that it sound like a nice place to visit, lie!, wear Hawaiian shirts, channel you inner Don Ho or whateva kinda Ho you is, do wat yuh got to do! 

Minister of drains and potholes, please note you is not the weatherman, nobody wants to know how many inches of rain yuh get, jus mek it drain.... mek it drain...mek it drain.

If yuh drive aroung in a well known contractor vehicle and frennin wid the man sexytary, nah think nobody nah know. Dis country small, if yuh fath in essequibo dem ah smell am ah Berbice.

Guyana Facebook Fuh Dundaheads

101. Dis ting ent got fren. Repeat. is nat frenbook.

If is only she face yuh seeing, "Late Caveat Emptor" applies.

 It's ok to tell somebody they been 'bonjoured" when they post stories from "therealrealtruth.com" and trying to send up your blood pressure.  

Dear farrin' peeps, do not post lololol ----GT people gon think yuh talking about lolo...whole odder ting.

Life pun de dam is good for a few minutes of fun, but if you send too much time reading the comments pon Mostly page, you WILL lose faith in humanity and question the intelligence of the human race. Keep it real BUT keep it brief.

These are just some of the fascinating insights we have to share, do not be left out, pre-order copies today, chapters on Elections, Uses for the word Skunt and of course 'what we really mean" are all informative and entertaining. one more teaser....

News reporting fah Dundaheads

If your newspaper loses credibility it will quickly become Toilet paper and be given free with purchase of gas.

*When the likes on Mostly page was 34K, the suicide rate was 34, when it was 44K suicide was 44, coincidink? maybe...maybe not, COI needed, btw is 65K now...