Don't blame the Sailor

Don’t blame the Sailor

We at Guysnooze have been puzzled for moths as to why the President has had such a differing perception of Crime, its prevalence and effect on the Guyanese populace, due to diligent investigation and more than a touch of ingenuity, we have been able to obtain Top Secret reports on Crime received by the President, after reading these we were finally able to understand His Excellency’s position of “Crime? …What crime?”, we have presented a few excerpts for your edification.

Top COP Report

Top Drawer/ Eyes Only

Report on Incident at Hand In Pocket

There was an incident involving rival gangs that culminated in the wounding of a member of the Security gang in middle street.

It appears that a gang of robbers (The bandits) entered the establishment of another gang (Insurance Schemers) and demanded money, the IS representative then engaged the Bandits in conversation, the IS guy asked the B’s if they knew that the average life span of their members was 27 years , while those of IS was 83, the IS man then reasoned that the B’s would be better off with purchasing of “life insurance” and/or “fire insurance” to provide for loved ones when they meet their expected death in the line of work or if disgruntled rivals were to set fire to their abodes, this suggestion was met with mixed reactions by the three Banditos, one of whom was set against the idea, as he said “ is a scheme, is nice when they collecting yuh money , is another scene when yuh dead, ah mean it gon tek 20 years fuh dem to agree to pay anything if at all” …another of the bandits was also against fire insurance “dat is jail, when yuh house bun and yuh gat insurance, police does lock yuh up fuh arson, if yuh ent gat, yuh in gool, and dem always got excuse not to pay, yuh insure for 100 million, mekking payment all the time, but when it bun, if..if they pay, is 10 million dem saying yuh ting worth, if dem did know that, why dem was collecting fat all the time? Eh?”… The third bandit meanwhile purchased a hefty life insurance policy after borrowing money from the first two to pay the premium, ‘ look fools, we gon pay an’ den we gon rob dem…duh”… this plan was put in motion only to be foiled when the member of the security gang bravely intervened and the shooting started.

The police arrived and cordoned the area in search of the bandits, meanwhile one of the bandits turned himself in and lodged a complaint against the Insurance schemers, “not only dey tek my money, they tell the guard doan shoot to kill, look, I got wife and chirren, not to mention others to look after, If I did get kill, dem was drawing down massive!” ….he accused the IS of discrimination and fraud, the Bandit was soon joined by his accomplices as they too lodged complaints. The matter will be sorted out and a full report delivered soon.

COP

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Report from Minister of Sexual Protection

PopeStar Investigation

Top Secret

Dear Excellency,

After numerous viewings of the Popetape, from all angles, on my back, belly, sideways, doggy style , I am able to say that the Popestar uses no sexual protection, There have been questions from the media about if anyone was brainwashed, at this point we can say no, there was some heads, nuff fuck and one entertaining bugga, but no brainswash, our ministry has requested anyone with additional recordings of the Popestar to submit same for review.

Some of the evidence suggests that further investigation is warranted and I have decided to launch a personal investigation so as to get a first hand feel for the case, I will be meeting the Popestar at the scene of his alleged crimes, if hard evidence arises, I will do my best to cope with it and report further.

Minister

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Minister Rumjaguar

Top Secret

Re: Police Bulletin issued for ‘Mastermind”

Sir, dese police real fuckin’ stupit, no wonder I getting bad name, is nah me fault police exam easy and nobady ever fail… look how they using...or ah should say abusing English, dem looking for a ‘mastermind’ when is obvious dem should be looking for a “dumbass”

I feel ya’ll set me up wid dis wuk, why I can’t get a easy ministry like Social Cohesion? Where dem ent got nutten fuh do and all day fuh do it.

Minister

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

*In an unrelated news expose, the knews is reporting that the ministry of sexual protection has put out a tender for D cell batteries.

The ‘enry ‘iggins Guide to Massa

The ‘enry ‘iggins Guide to Massa

This guide is written for my fellow Guyanese born after 26^th May 1966, You and I know no ‘Massa day’ , we were born into a country free from the oppressive colonial yoke, the only oppression we have known is from our own dear countrymen, our ignorance of Massa is usually a bliss, however one of the lesser Massas’ is on a tour of Gam-Gam’s previous possessions in the New World and it behooves us to sharpen up our etiquette in preparation for His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales.

General Information

If you cannot pronounce your H’s , stay in the back, no mouthing up Prince ‘arry or ‘enry.

The present girlfriend is Miss Markle an American actress, NOT Miss Merkel the leader of the fourth Reich or Miss Marple, a beloved old biddy of Agatha Christe’s invention.

The whole James Hewitt is your daddy thing has supposedly been covered-up disproved, but still avoid any mention of his striking resemblance to same.

Learn to Bow and Scrape. (Hint: think Lawyer in court) Your worship dis and dat.

Poorer citizens are asked to wear the dan-dan or stay indoors and not “poor up the place and spoil massas’ view”

Bandits beware that your benefactor in office will not be kindly disposed to any act that causes his “crime?,what crime?” stance to be questioned during the visit.

News Outlets –Please see above.

For Government Officials

Most of you are old like dirt so no formal training is needed, however a reminder that:

The prince is not here to go to “Rio”…. Basil….

Try to remember that YOUR national Anthem goes “dear land…” and not “God save…”

Arthritis is no excuse for not curtsying.

The prince does not want to hear about “when you were his age”.

For all you Brigadiers, Generals, Boat-less Admirals, this man went to an actual war, it may be more interesting to discuss the history of Crimplene used to make those black suits than the ‘medals’ hung on them.

For Members of the Cocktail Circuit

Smile and nod, ask no question, if asked anything by His Highness, it is acceptable to lie.

For example: “what do you do?”

PROFESSION (Unacceptable)	What you say you do (Acceptable)
Hustler	Contractor, Businessman, Govt. Minister
Cult Leader	Pope/ Fudge Packer/
Drug Dealer	Pharmaceuticals , Import/Export
Coconut Farmer	Heavily invested in future Oil
Skin-cock	Serve in the armed forces
Shopkeeper	Shopkeeper
Insurance Schemer Salesman	Dealing in Futures
Craftsman	Manufacturing
Manufacturing	Captain of Industry
Spout meaningless drivel	Prime Minister
Sailor	President

If asked by The Gingerbread man “How do you do?”

How you are doing (Unacceptable)	What to say (Acceptable)
Things Brown	Coping with the global economic crisis
Broken to thief	Looking closely for investment opportunities
Money Big	Enjoying the perks of public service
Pensionaire (Million plus a month pension)	Living off the taxpayer, like you, haw haw…
More money than God	Things Brown….

For Working Citizens 

The following should be your mantra:

Look busy, Massa is coming.

For Dangles

Beena’s has a new selection of whore heels that would look good on the prince’s shoulder, you know what to do…go Dangle, after all, you are our most precious resource, forget Miss Markle, introduce his highness to Miss Turkle. 

*Looking forward to Freddy vs The Prince in Knews.

Nagamania!

Nagamania!

We have a live one boys! Shouted the editor, somebody call one of dem murderous Cuban trained doctors and fine out what the hell is ‘nagamania’ ‘anti-nagamania’ and what are the treatments, leh we find out who is suffering from dis ting, if is an epidemic or just endemic to the Previously Powerful People Complaining (PPP/C), ya’ll gat an hour to mek yuh report , suh mek case…

One hour later…

Fat Reporter: Sor, me doctor fren say we can only use her information if we included the phrase ‘fuck freddy skunthole’ somewhere in the story…we could do dat? …please, it would make me happier than a free pinetart and cheeseroll combined!

Editor: well, ah waz going to do that anyways, but to please your friend I can add Freddy is the biggest skunthole since Hitler …see if she like dat!

Fat Reporter: right then, dis is what she said, mania suggest that there is an excessive enthusiasm or desire; an obsession with the subject, she reports that for the subject in this case ‘naga’ no scientific evidence exists that a critical mass of any of those emotions are present in the general population, his better half has indicated that “Sam shop shut” where desire is concerned and the only person who has demonstrated any symptom of mania is Comrade Eggball, whom our doctor noted may be a false positive caused by ‘brown-nosing’

Ed: brown-nosing …that is...?

Fat Reporter: dat sor, is when you kiss-ass so deeply that the tip of your nose becomes brown with (interrupted)

Ed: oh… I thought it was when your head is so far up your own arse… well, we could write a note on that For Your Information, so no evidence of ‘nagamania’?

Fat Reporter: well, my doc ..and she does have ‘killer’ looks and body, says that it only exists if ‘mania’ were interpreted as mental illness marked by periods of great excitement, euphoria, delusions, and over-activity, and in that case the subject ‘naga’ would be the one suffering from the malady.

Ed: well, if ‘nagamania’ does not exist how can ‘anti-nagamania’ be explained , ah mean it’s obvious dat  people always ‘don’t-ing’ the man….

Girl Reporter: I believe it might be a case of ‘anti-nameekarmism’ that has been mis-diagnosed by the recipient due to a delusion of grandeur he may be afflicted with sir.

Ed: Brilliant diagnosis, you spen’ time in Cuba or wha’?, yall would do well to follow the example of dis girl, think for yourselves, killer diagnosis, I think we good to go, now whomever writing dis up, remember to mention dat skunthole Freddy could go fuck he stupid skuntholeish self!

*Freddy’s ignorant utterances vis a vis Cuban trained Doctors has led to him replacing GPL as our bête noir.

Domestic Threats!

Domestic Threats!

The Guysnooze reporters sat in the boardroom in sullen silence, after all it was after midnight on a Friday night, this is the last place they wanted to be, “likker flowing like water outside and we deh coop up in hay wid no cutters, I feel fuh lef dis wuk” grumbled the fat reporter, just then the Editor stormed in “ how the hell a domestic threat to national security is announced and I ent get a whisper from none of you” he shouted, banging his fist on the table, “ I want to know, the public wants to know, what exactly should we be afraid of?” …. He looked around… “ well sor, you should be afraid that people will find out a brite banna like you ending sentences with prepositions” cracked the skinny jeans reporter…. “calm down, I know the whole story already” “me too chief” chimed in the new girl… “I was going to give you the scoop tomorrow sir, I was still extracting details from my informant when you called us to come back to the office” said the fat man…. “ well, I am pleased to see you guys are on the ball, but just to be sure we will go over the stories and  co-ordinate the information, for the sake of clarity” said the editor with a beaming smile, you girl, lemme hear what you know.

“Well, is like dis, I hear dat a gang of men plan fuh steal the KFC recipe, they say if they learn the correct mix of 11 herbs and spices they could become the most powerful men in Guyana”… “even if I believe dis nancy story, how would the KFC recipe nake dem powerful and a threat to domestic security?” asked the editor skeptically… “ well, they say that who controls the KFC recipe controls our most precious resource, Dangles, the source of 90% of western union transactions, the reason mo’ people ent drink Indian tonic or buy lil rope from the hardware… you see the line in KFC since it open back, dem Dangles does get Kinky For Chicken ” .. ‘hmm, I see your point, what’s the source of information?”…. “sor, mih sweetman tell mih sister who tell me”…. “so, why the sweetman ent tell you?” asked the puzzled editor… “was she turn lass nite, and mih husband does come home early pon weeknights so….” …”seems to me ‘sweetman might be more of a domestic threat than controlling Dangles wid KFC, everybody hear dis same story?”

“No bass, meeno bout dis girl domestic situation though I suspek she does beat she husban’, I hear is all these stage robberies, the main suspecks is dese Link show actors and reactors who dressing up like police fuh crack stale joke, dem does tek too long fuh land the plane, dey could learn a thing or two from Scullyburger…” said the skinny jeans reporter.

“look dis is no time for jokes” said the fat reporter “I know the whole story, but I been drinking with my sources at Roopa’s so, I lil tipsy, dis is wha’ I hear, is a group of old politicians who are meeting and plotting to rob the country blind, dese men plan fuh thief, Oil money, Sugar land, rice , gold ...man I hear they plan fuh thief the dirt from under fingernail if yuh lapse and dese is serious men, when they meet is plenty new black cyar wid tint so dark dat yuh cyan see inside, plenty bodyguard an ting”… “now this sound more like a threat” …shouted the editor excitedly… “wha’ mo yuh know?” … “ I hear dey been planning dis thing long, is A Plan Now Unfolding, they meeting at the army base every week now fuh security reasons” … “ army camp? …you stupid skunt , dat is the cabinet yuh talking ‘bout, how they gon plot to thief…oh, wait… oh skunt!...look, meeting adjourned, yall could go home now, we gon publish the story ‘bout the dangers of Dangles and Sweetman to Domestic Life and the use of Martial law to ensure Marital bliss” …and with dat, the Editor avoided all the eyes in the room and headed home early.

·         *Consider that Policmen now tell women the only way to avoid a traffic ticket is to give up their cell phone numbers, seems like the GPF want to become the Sweetman of choice.

Dump the Trump! Remigrate Now!

Dump the Trump! Remigrate Now!

So you are not happy with the election result in the USA, yuh vex yuh green card doan have voting rights, what’s with dat rite? , you come from a glorious country where some of you could vote thousands of times in the same election, where being dead was no obstacle to voting…how did you go from that to the basement in Queens? We at Guysnooze are joining our President and leader of The All People Now Unarmed + Armed Fucking Criminals (APNU+AFC) in saying loudly “Fuck Trump, the time to come home is now!” …to encourage you we offer these ten reason to Dump the Trump.

Top Ten Reasons to Dump Trump and Remigrate Now!

10. Dangles ( spend real time with the one yuh bin mining)

9. No Second Amendment bullshit! Only Police , GDf and Thiefman got right to carry Guns.

8. You like a one party system and Guyana on the way to dat! , Cabinet in Ayangana and Bastard Skunthole running tings in the Hizzy. Your party will always win. Vote as many times as you like.

7. Duty free concessions for returning basement dwellers as opposed to those who live, work and pay taxes hay skunt!

6. We got Coconut Oil. Volunteers to test Coconut Oil’s suitability as a sex lube wanted. Volunteers must be anal retentive.

5. Plantin Chip industry opportunities abound!

4. We got our own Fucking Pope!... oh yes we do… for a few tins of milk, you too can suck the papal cock and call him daddy!  

3. Jobs for the boys available in new Government Department of Shit, more than just a ‘Charmin’ idea, our new reality.

2. The Green Guava Economy, our bandits have robbed everyone and are now recycling victims. #alesirice

1. Bandits need fresh meat, Latest robbery of we fren Lil Ram shows things brown, ah mean, really? who still got a PS4?