Guysnooze Election Day Report

Guysnooze Election Day Report

10.AM

The day began….late, that’s right, late… residents of Sophia overslept as the regular election drums were absent, the usual 6 AM wakeup call to poles did not happen dis rounds, residents gathered to discuss the phenomena or rather the absence thereof … “maybe ting bad wid dem, dem does gah fuh pay dem drum man ya’ know” “is Jagdeo mek dem shame fuh drum and nat one stone ent lan’ pon me roof all year” “Jagdeo? Nah man, dem deh good now, dem ent need dis local ting, in  fact I hear they hoping Benkok or PPP win um, den they could blame dem fuh anything bad dat happen”…. When asked if they were going to vote by one fass resident, the others quickly dispersed… with various excuses thrown ova shoulders… “sun hot” “meen know dem” “I got a pot on” “I going an’ smoke pot” “I going an’ pole the same ol’ hole” “is only one ting I sticking me finger in” and of course “Fuck GPL”

10.05

Cricket: Saffies sharing licks…ooops, Saffies taking licks…smh, dese bannas will put people in the poor house.

Lunch

No explanation needed

After Lunch nap

1.PM

Browse facebook to see who finger ink up, one man posting picture of he finger ink up and he location is New Hampshire… suspect something wrang deh, sun too hot to investigate.

1.10 PM

Going to poll

1.14 PM

Voting complete, spent more time looking for the line (there was none) another minute to ask the poll clerk fuh wake up, a minute to call the others from liming outside, 30 secs to vote, noted I am the only person on my page of the list to vote, dem odder Singhs must be nameekarams.

1.20 PM

Back on Facebook, no animals stirring all quiet on the farm. Old Napoleon finally get the right finger in the air, the Hamster mek a stir by telling reporter dat all he digits is “finger lickin’ good” … Kwame original and 2.0 missin’ in action…

1.30PM

No football on TV, believe me I check every channel twice.

3.30 PM

Wake up from naptime, text everyone I know for feedback, make breakthrough realization that saying ‘whazzapp’ on whatsapp is not funny anymore, dese kids have no sense of humor.

4.30 PM

Prisoners take to facebook to complain about conditions, called prison officers and dared dem to go sieze dem fone….got told to “fuck aff” …. Meanwhile one enterprising prisoner took the opportunity to advertise his “superior weed” , another gave shout outs to ‘redman’ and ‘tall boy’…with xoxoxo’s  and  ‘we miss you batty”..we assume he meant ‘we miss you baby’ …not sure tho.. other prisoners who are members of the FB group Lot 12 Intimates , advertised various items for sale, Buckta with strategic holes for dat special occasion will cost you 4 cigarettes and a lash aff? , some of the ads make no sense such as the offering of ‘bottom washes’..we are sure nobody in deh own vehicles… there are food services offered , Salad tossing, fudge packing , black pudding and homemade mayonnaise feature prominently in the posts. Surprisingly it seems sports are also popular, unfamiliar to the outside world but ‘gland to gland wrestling’ seems to be popular with the “in” crowd.

6.30 .PM

Counting of votes commences, One ..one vote, ahh ahh ahh, two, two votes, ahh ahh ahh, wait dats it? Only two votes? Check the box, turn it over and shake it… ok, two, two votes…

6.35 PM

Post poll place on door, beat out.

7.PM

Doubting that anyone’s house will get bun down dis time, so editor says publish, based on what we have seen, das vet will buy das drinks.

*Late Breaking News!!!  Observer reports that voter number three just turnt up!