One day me bin ah go backdam

One day me bin ah go backdam(Sitira gyal riddim)

One day me bin ah go backdam

An’ me see wan Imam siddung dey

Me ask the man wah’ he do deh

Deh man pick wan eggball an’ pelt mih hey

So me go a police stayshan

Me report dat Imam pelt me dunk

Dee afficer in charge deh

Chase me way an’ seh doan come back ya

Go ah Gordan Mostley

Ah he … dee man who own dah dam deh

Go write up pan a facbook

Dat iman pelt yuh dunk

Well me is ah old man

Me nah know ‘bout dah dam

Me go back pan de ol’ wan

And me see two man fightin’ dey

Fuss dem start fuh cuss up

“Ah nah you dadee gimme wuk ya

Abby bin hey before time

When jagan party bin a rule”

“nahmeekaram ah still you daddee

An’ yuh ansah to he pickney too,

Why yuh think dem call he DPI,

He ah Dee Pickney Instructor”

“ah nah abby photochap dee pickcher

Abby nah even gah wan shap”

Well, me get closer an’ me try fuh listen good

But den wan of dee man dem

Start flounce up heself an’ whine in he petty coat

Dee odder fine man drop he pants

An’ show he cameltoe

Well me hussil git out deh

Me ‘membah me dadee use to seh

Leff lil bai, dawg and dem sorta man

Neva’ interfere wid ahm

Me nah know wha’ fuh do

Who woulda tink dat

Unity pickcha

Would cause suh much fight

Well dem try fuh get Presi involve

but he cock up he foot an’ say…

“I jus’ waitn’ fuh Joe get back hey”
"he waitin fuh joe get hay"
"he waitin fuh joe get hay"

Life pon de dam is full an’ gay

Sitira use to wine dunk hay,

an’ is right dey..Rohee goat bite he rope an’ git a way

Whateva tomorrow brings

We all gon drink we fill

Laff until we belly buss

Unless is we getting’ skin up fuss

As me daddee uses to say

Life pon de dam is nat for you.

Policy Adjustment Document 69

Policy Adjustments Document 69

Ministry of Social Protection

Clarification of Child Abuse and Social Protection.

• Sexual Abuse of minors is only an offence when committed by strangers.
• Family members may feel free to tamper with and orifices and fiddle with appendages as these actions are deemed part of the growth process by the Minister.
• Social protection coverage shall be extended to mean Social Protection of those with Party Cards to the exclusion of all others; minors who are not of age to warrant party cards or vote are not of great import.
• Ministry of SP shall distribute condoms to minors for use by party officials during the family “bonding” sessions. Party faithful are reminded it is a minor offence to get a minor member of your family pregnant.
• Family members of party card holders are reminded it is an offence to refuse to ‘bond’ or allow your children to be “bonded” by party card holders, the harder the work for the party, the harder you are expected to work for them.
• Family of party card holders are reminded that PPP dem doan talk out dey business and some of dem mus’ be doing the same ting! Shut up and don’t dig nothing, it’s for the good of the party.
• This Ministry is in no way associated with fuckin' GPL.

Published in response to ignoramuses who run tell it ‘pon the dam’ without journalistic due diligence.

#runtelldatpondam 

Code Violation

Code Violation 

“Look at dis fucking nameekaram, he fucking up all awhee, skunt!” our editor was furious, the reporters glanced nervously at each other, wondering what the PM do the poor editor, was encouraging the neighbas to play loud music all nite, all weekend really that bad? After all is we culture to be fucking inconsiderate, “is dis one Kwasi Ace, he new song “wallpaper” , it’s a violation of the man code, he cyan buss up we bag suh, nah man, he violate”… the newsroom rushed to listen to the song on various devices, ipod, ipad, rayjoe, etc. ..not one of them cheap skunts thought to go and buy the man CD tho…

Half hour later, the men convened, well, plus the sangwich girl who is mo’ man than most of dem, “chief, how Kwasi cud do we dis? De man infarm dee hole world at we does store we sweet ‘ooman name under Popeyes… he skin up the biznees bad bad hey”… the editor looked around slowly, “my code, how I going come up wid a new code, every name had a meaning, kamboat was me chine squeeze, hacks hallal was me muslim gyal Zalina, … ya’ll understand how hard it gon be fun come up wid new code” … “I feel fuh you chief” the girl spoke, now I too gah fuh find a way fuh replace “black pudding” and “ lumber yard” is nat man alone got problems.

Well the talking start, it seems dat eveybady was using the same code, maharaja’s fuh coolie girl, Guinness bar  fuh anything dark, pepperpat fuh dem buck girls, one stupit skunt even had ‘red lobster’ in he phone… the team decided #itwastime to come up wid a new code.

How ‘ bout police stations, like whaeva area yuh wallpaper hanging in, like I ga a ting in prashad nagar an’ another in south, yuh tink dat wud work? …sound good, but what if yuh gat two woman in south or in the same house? …hmmm, well one could be carparal and the odder sergeant or if one is the mother, yuh cud list she as superintendent and the daughter as front desk… ya’ll gon get skin up, why a man wud got anna regina police station number in he fone an’ he living in gt? ..the girl was right as usual… leh we use Ministries, like social protection fuh the girl dat insist you put on condom every time, an’ an’ housing fuh the one wid she own house or always talking ‘bout owning a house… I got one dat does visit she land every week fuh the lass two year, meen know wha’ she expeck fuh see, she ent mek a move fuh build nothing but she visiting, like is a grave, … bai, you on to something hey, I cud list one  lawyer girl I got as legal affairs an’ she sister who is mih wife as home affairs, the auntie dem got in ‘merica as foreign affairs… the girl spoke again “well I cud list one as minister of agriculture cause the tools he using for forkin’ the land” …. Ey ey..nobady ent want hear ‘bout wha’ kinda man you gat, we gat real prablems, you husband ent even know ‘bout smartphone and neway he busy wid the neigbah lil girlchile, yuh better check he phone for ministry of youth,culture and sport, cause he always at rumshop drinking wid dem lil girls, plus he lil pon the odder side, check fuh anythin' pon the 'back road' ...

Needless to day, the meeting bruck up… sangwich fling leff rite and center… nuff gnashing of teeth an’ then the tears, was like if somebody let a crackadile free in hey… after a while somebody break out the likker and then we siddung fuh plan the ambush fuh buss kwesi rass…but dat plan is secret. 

*despite the worries it will cause, we do recommend you take a listen to dis chune. 

 
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b57nltQ-nJo

He is Risen

He is Risen 

In what can only be described as a second coming, for indeed that is what it is, The Christ has risen from the grave in a little known country in South America, Guyana, land of many waters, crapos, crabdawg, snake, maskita, critics and tigers, nuff nuff tigers, Christ apparently was languishing in a grave in La Rubbishdump cemetery in the capital city of Greentown, Georgetown, a breath of fresh air must have caught the son of god as the area was recently cleared of bush, vagrants and electoral candidates, witnesses described the, event:

Vagrantish looking man; well I man was mining I an’ I own business, I was nearly done when I heard the soung of harses galluping, then trumpets start blaring, I haul up mih draws and run fuh see, well it was the President passing, den I look back and see dis bannas climbing out duh ol’ grave deh, I go fuh haller pon he , but then he ask me something in gibberish, so I seh to mihself, he look lil mad, better lef he lone, I went back to writing my next prize winning novel, I ent got time with  lesser mortals much less immortals.

Woman: well is like the antiman one say, nuff harse and noise, then when president Obama pass, dis sexy white man tunrt up!, I neva see a white man wid abs like dat before, I would break me aff a piece of dat candy, uh-huh-ummm.

The recently risen son of god was immediately placed under arrest by Minister of Citizenship, the Hon. Cde.Rolex, for lack of documentation and entering the country from a place other than an immigration checkpoint.

While in custody, the Christ was given a meal of cook-up sans meat, a melee occurred when he was given water and it turned into wine, GRA officials were called in and the hapless savior was charged with evading taxes on alcohol, failure to have a TIN and fined 2000 years of back taxes, the ordeal was not yet over as Town Clown Clerk,  Riceton Kingping, demanded that the man who died for our sins be held accountable for the mess he made on his return to earth “look the man dig heself out the ground, dirt deh everyway ,dis is nat lang time, fees, he gat to pay fees”

In reply Christ said “give unto Little Seizer what belongs to Little Seizer” dis statement was not received well and a few lessons about the 'passion' of Guyanese were soon learned by our lord.

The Christ was then taken to the Georgetown magistrates court where further mayhem erupted when the loincloth covered Christ was denied an opportunity to be heard as the Magistrate declared him a transgender and refused to let him enter the court, this led to a fiery protest outside the courthouse by the Brutal crew, who shouted slogans such as “de magistrate want Fly Uncle Charlie Kite” “he does come by we in the nite an’ he ent wan’ see we in the day” “get yuh lumber dressed, cut rate tonight” and of course “Fuck GPL”

The Christ was remanded until such time as a Commission of Inquiry could be held to determine his legal status, in jail however , the Son of God was treated as a savior, once inmates found out he could turn grass into real grass, well, he get the full starbai package, top bunk wid jumbo matrass, buckta wid no hole, the remote fuh E-networks and of course a cell phone wid free credit for a month.

This bodes well for the world, no doubt the Christ will have a dozen new disciples in no time flat, in fact according to Fatman, it look like Redman, Guts, Skinbt, Tall boy and Tall Man are all making strides in that direction while it is rumored that Christ don’t like Blackman, no..not black people, dacta  Blackman who’s in for dealing oxycotin to oxymorons.

*In related news, Singer Rudy Grant released a new single “Christ in Guyana, People going Crazy” its tearing up on NCN.

Guysnooze Election Day Report

Guysnooze Election Day Report

10.AM

The day began….late, that’s right, late… residents of Sophia overslept as the regular election drums were absent, the usual 6 AM wakeup call to poles did not happen dis rounds, residents gathered to discuss the phenomena or rather the absence thereof … “maybe ting bad wid dem, dem does gah fuh pay dem drum man ya’ know” “is Jagdeo mek dem shame fuh drum and nat one stone ent lan’ pon me roof all year” “Jagdeo? Nah man, dem deh good now, dem ent need dis local ting, in  fact I hear they hoping Benkok or PPP win um, den they could blame dem fuh anything bad dat happen”…. When asked if they were going to vote by one fass resident, the others quickly dispersed… with various excuses thrown ova shoulders… “sun hot” “meen know dem” “I got a pot on” “I going an’ smoke pot” “I going an’ pole the same ol’ hole” “is only one ting I sticking me finger in” and of course “Fuck GPL”

10.05

Cricket: Saffies sharing licks…ooops, Saffies taking licks…smh, dese bannas will put people in the poor house.

Lunch

No explanation needed

After Lunch nap

1.PM

Browse facebook to see who finger ink up, one man posting picture of he finger ink up and he location is New Hampshire… suspect something wrang deh, sun too hot to investigate.

1.10 PM

Going to poll

1.14 PM

Voting complete, spent more time looking for the line (there was none) another minute to ask the poll clerk fuh wake up, a minute to call the others from liming outside, 30 secs to vote, noted I am the only person on my page of the list to vote, dem odder Singhs must be nameekarams.

1.20 PM

Back on Facebook, no animals stirring all quiet on the farm. Old Napoleon finally get the right finger in the air, the Hamster mek a stir by telling reporter dat all he digits is “finger lickin’ good” … Kwame original and 2.0 missin’ in action…

1.30PM

No football on TV, believe me I check every channel twice.

3.30 PM

Wake up from naptime, text everyone I know for feedback, make breakthrough realization that saying ‘whazzapp’ on whatsapp is not funny anymore, dese kids have no sense of humor.

4.30 PM

Prisoners take to facebook to complain about conditions, called prison officers and dared dem to go sieze dem fone….got told to “fuck aff” …. Meanwhile one enterprising prisoner took the opportunity to advertise his “superior weed” , another gave shout outs to ‘redman’ and ‘tall boy’…with xoxoxo’s  and  ‘we miss you batty”..we assume he meant ‘we miss you baby’ …not sure tho.. other prisoners who are members of the FB group Lot 12 Intimates , advertised various items for sale, Buckta with strategic holes for dat special occasion will cost you 4 cigarettes and a lash aff? , some of the ads make no sense such as the offering of ‘bottom washes’..we are sure nobody in deh own vehicles… there are food services offered , Salad tossing, fudge packing , black pudding and homemade mayonnaise feature prominently in the posts. Surprisingly it seems sports are also popular, unfamiliar to the outside world but ‘gland to gland wrestling’ seems to be popular with the “in” crowd.

6.30 .PM

Counting of votes commences, One ..one vote, ahh ahh ahh, two, two votes, ahh ahh ahh, wait dats it? Only two votes? Check the box, turn it over and shake it… ok, two, two votes…

6.35 PM

Post poll place on door, beat out.

7.PM

Doubting that anyone’s house will get bun down dis time, so editor says publish, based on what we have seen, das vet will buy das drinks.

*Late Breaking News!!!  Observer reports that voter number three just turnt up!

Lions Behaving Badly

Lions behaving badly

“We getting Lions in the zoo again!” ...our editor declared, ‘wha’ yuh tink dey do wrang chief? …ah mean , we zoo is punishment fuh we local barn tigers dem , meen tink dem farren tigers gon able” said the chief rabble rousing reporter… 'sennin' dem tiger hey is like sending police to monkey mountain, dem musse bite somebody' .....“to think how much meat dem tiger does eat an’ the poor prisoners punishin’, all dat peas and rice and not even a bone fuh dem men”..he continued… “I tink dem prisoners dose get plenty bone in deh” ..smirked the sangwich girl ‘an’ some o’ dem got nuff meat dem does let dee odders taste”…the sangwich girl start laff, as the men in the room shuffled around uncomfortably, dis newsroom was not quite ready for a sexually liberated sangwich girl…after a lengthy silence, the editor spoke up… ‘ehm, Sheila here got a point, none of the prisoners talking about what really happen that night, is only complaints about food and cell phone reception, one ask if dem can’t get a cell tower put in and dem cud put the guards pon top and get free credit in return, like sponsorship” … “I hear dem stop eat kebob in deh, nuff turn vetrenarian, seh the smell of roast meat leff in dem nose” “I ent think we outside gon ever know what happen in deh, dem men is professional liars, look dis skunt who seh he neva see cell phone or weed in prison” “me name ent Sheila!” declared the girl, “wha’ is yuh whole name?..doan answer, we could ask the village yuh come from if is Caloi or Raliegh” chortled the fat reporter who never reported on anything, “you fat skunt jus’ get fired” shouted the editor “wha’ you know ‘bout riding bicycle?” “ Ellsee, doan mine he,but ah sangwich would be nice” … “ah see the Jokeishery meet the Prison Minister an’ seh dem gon jail people faster… no mo’ lang lang trial, is trial den jail skunt” … “dat is the solution?” … “well life in jail getting good, ah see the British guvment sponsorin’ condoms’, now yuh know why the Americans always shouting the british are coming…” “but wait, cookup without meat is nat ital? dem man livin’ large!” “ nobody ent mention the prison officer who does drop the bo-gle in dem lil coolie bai in deh tho…” “bai..in deh, dat is perks nat hardship, is bo-gle or chicken skin curry…tek yuh pick”…..

Meanwhile at Tea and Weed party HQ

Leader: Now hear dis, I man declare war pon the oppressors, we not gwine lie down dis time, I man seh #itistime fuh the lion be free!

Party Faithful 1: yes, ayah, Lion is fuh walk the road free..scene!

Leader: walk the road, yuh mad? Is real lion me ah talk ‘bout, dem bringing some fuh the zoo, dem switch out we tiger dem wid some place in Hinglan’

Party Faithful 2: I man lose I man fren’ who free the lass lion, lion nyam he food ayah , pass the ting nuh, whu yuh feel is you alone in dis party…sheesh…

Leader : well we have to make a plan to free the Lions dat come, dis deep deep… falls asleep….

PF1: well the man ‘ave a point scene? Maybe we cyan train a monkey fuh open the lion cage…

PF2: lass monkey I amn train pelt shit pon I am, you deh pon yuh own deh…pass the ting nuh…sheesh

PF1: the one that does live by me in Kingston always going by the neigbah Tapir window and peeping and pumping, I man does wonder what going on in deh…

Leader: yes man… all is well now, I man dream brother bob free the lion and ride on ‘im back… suh problem solve, hail Salasie I’m high.

PF1: whispers to PF2… wha’ he mean problem solve…

PF2: yuh know we is the smoke up an’ dream party right? So once we dream it ..is like it happen fuh real… deep man deep…pass the ting nuh…

Back at Guysnooze HQ
"anybody voting in this LGE?"... "bossman...we is fren, but I is neither lesbian or gay rite! " leh we doan mek dem kinda jokes... " " ay lard... how dis banna get a wuk hey...he cud mek sangwich too or wah'?" ... but we ent kay 'bout dis election, yuh know why? ...i gon tell yuh why... it ent got action, it ent got spice, it lacking SCANDAL!!!... suh we ent kay... I tink dem fine one ,two chile molester, ah banna suh old dat dem think he is one ah Lisa Punch four parents dat come as a slave from Ghana, and a pastor that is a fucking fraud...like dat is news........stueeps  ... so no...not enough juice fuh get we out in the hot sun... put a notice in dis edition fuh the publik to send information on scandals to our news desk .


*If more than 25% vote ah got to buy drinks for a well known Oxegeneric Veterenarian. #stayhomeanpole