Suicidal Thoughts.

Suicidal Thoughts.

We mean thoughts on suicide, dummy!

Our staff is happy to report that yesterday's outpouring of suicide advice has led to the prevention of a least three suicides in our besieged nation, by jove! we seemed to have solved the problem with platitudes. One young boy called us and said " I was going heng myself and den i see a pic of a man smiling and saying #yestolife an' I think to meself, if dis ugly scrawny skunt gat something fuh live fuh, I mus' gat chance at a better future, thenk you Mr.Samcho " ... well, not quite the way we envisioned it, by a life saved is a good thing no matter the logic involved, hot on the heels of that we got another report, a young lady this time who emailed us to say "I was depressed yesterday, the baby daddy ent call in three days and I hear he deh wid a new hoe, not that I is a hoe or an old hoe, I is he chile mudder fuh crrissake! I was going to drink (redacted) then I read dis story that say I kill myself yesterday and then I realized that if people cud write suh much skunt, maybe I cud mek it as a writer, after all dat bannas who win two prize is a skunt of the highest arder, and he win fuh two book nobady ever read, some give up after the fus page, so I choose to live and become a writer". signed Widwax  #thebillionaire'sbaby.

We certainly wish the young lady well with her writing and look forward to reading her books, then came the third success story, we were overjoyed, it was working, all those self righteous sanctimonious posts were working, this caller did not reveal his age, but said " I call the hotline, after the police lady talk me out of jumping off the roof, truth is, if ah din run outta credit ah wouldna climb down, she say lef sumthing fuh yuh girl nuh, I thought she talking like in a will but she say no, she could do wid a raise as she chile fadder ent deh bout and she need some money to buy writing materials for she new career, so I got to live till tomorrow when I gon meet she by Stabroek , then I could try again, but truthfully, I skin mih knee climbing up pon the roof and it hutting, so dat will have to wait." ...we are cautiously optimistic that he will be with us in the future.

As with any social program done without research, the facebook platitudes also had a few negative effects, one old man kill heself to escape all the shitty "do not kill urself advice and posts, in his note he said "I too old fuh dis shit, I wasn't even feeling suicidal, but all these choose life pictures made me ask, why? why choose life, so fuck ya'll I choose death"...being a contrarian can be detrimental to your health....and another died of poor soul died of boredom while looking for inspiration to live by reading a prize winning fiction, while this is technically not a suicide, you really got to be nuts to read that puppyrel.

In odder news

inewzik reports

something has happened, we not sure what or where but we let u know as soon as we find out.

Quinquagenary Bitches!

Quinquagenary Bitches!

We all have that old dodderer in our family that gags on a bit, pure gibberish that now one pays any attention to, but when one of the old farts get elected presidente, well dats an odder thing altogether, his every word is policy, so understanding is impotent.

We at Guysnooze have been hard at work translating the works of our country's artifact architect of the future, despite his unwillingness to break from the past, you see how this makes for a bloody difficult job then, eh?

What Granddad says versus what Granddad means.

10. Unity Event. Will be held at the Square of the revolution, all are invited except the "you know whos".

9. Transparent- You will never find out #pyleup

8. One People, One Nation, One Destiny--- One People...they ress ah ya'lll need to beat out.

7."Quinquagenary "------ Fuck you Sooba, try saying "quinquagenary" ...there I did it again.

6.The Economy---- The money the PPP lef fuh bingee.

5.Over the next decade--- It will be a "rigorous" 10 years.  

4. Renaissance - The village next to Plaisance.

3.Remaining obstacles to progress--- The PPP.

2. Poverty alleviation- -----No minister of Government shall be impovrished.  

1. I will address the nation on matters of great import--- 'I'm Obama Lite ...bitches!

Goons Driving Fast

Goons Driving Fast- the week in review 1/12/2016

With the shutdown of the news service looming the mood in the Guysnooze office is rather dreary," is like everybady in hey gat drapsy" bellowed the editor, "boys we need to go down fighting, girls, ya'll need to clap some roti while we still got flour, an' larn fuh mek pinetart an cheeseroll nah, how hard cud it be?" ... blank stares were offered in return " nothing ent happening chief" someone offered, "exactly, nothing..no business, no convictions, no ideas apart from lil renaming of tings, but I have a few leads for you to folow up, look sharp"...

The big story this week was the tale related by the beauty queen dis week, it has captured the attention of everyone, the obvious points must be made. 

1. she brudder lil slow, not in driving after all he escaped the Goons Driving Fast who were chasing him but to be honest, he shoulda tell the girl run back inside the house while he try wid lil karate or someting

 2. The following of orders can get you killed, no...not the top brass orders, the orders from yuh wife during a high speed chase, yuh see dem got two kinda wife, one woulda mek yuh stop and let she out and the odder an would gat yuh busy wid instructions during the chase, "jam he,mash! mash! (the accelerator) cut he aff, trurn tru hey, dem kinda instructions is bad fuh yuh health,.

Fus old bai say no inquiry needed, then he office say everybady lie pon he, how he only suggest how he din interfere, like grandad forget he is president... hope he still recognizing dem gran-pickanny .

Well after the Goons story buss, life pun the dam get busy, yuh know how the USA got the illuminati, Beyonce and JayZee an' dem Bushes, well Guyana we gat the Ignormi, a bunch of ignoramuses that congregate on the dam or as we call it Mostly facebook page...  'who caused the pyle up should be jail" "I hope she gets pyles" " it is well know dat she is Brassington outside chile" ...we had to leave quickly after dat one...

In odder news Minister Newbroom was asked to sweep somewhere else, she was moved to natural resources which caused the goat man to have kittens and gag on about conflict of interest as a lack of interest in what he has to say grows..or shrinks..whateva...

In response, the Ministry of Ministers clarified the position of Newbroom by issuing the following:

 We wuld like to clarify for the idiots out there that while Mrs.newbroom does have mining claims and is assigned to the Ministry of natural resources and gold is a natural resource, that no conflict of interest exist because she has been tasked with overseeing another natural resource, namely Puss, it may be of interest to Cde. Goatman that Mrs. Newbroom always had an interest in puss, especially puss wid nuff traffic, but make no mistake Puss is a large small and tightly controlled natural resource.

The minister herself explained further at her newsbroom conference.

Puss is a natural resource, while we all have puss (????) yuh neva hear " like you puss got gold in it?" well, we did studies that show 70 percent of remittances or 14% GDP  is produced by puss, tight pokey is big business, my job is to ensure this resource is well protected, no underage pokey bizness on my watch, and dem with buss puss will get charge for false advertising, those with the much appreciated "turtleness" will be rewarded with tax incentives including duty free panty and lingerie, sex lube and vibrating dildos ribbed for the ultimate is pleasure , yuh kno the rabbit one dat does hit the spot, are also going to be duty free to owners of Puss. Do you kno the remigration/pokey correlation? well dis minister means to find out!

Today the CEO of Not Carrying News resigned, she says she did so voluntarily and for her sanity, when asked if she had left because of the government's "No Indian lef' behine" program, she said no, I lef becauze dem arder we fuh pay rudee sang nuf time, ah jus' coulndan tek ahm nah mo"

New House minister came out firing with new policies to sell house and house lot to people without children, when informed that this had begun under the previous administration AFTER the needs of those with children had be met by and large, she shouted, is me idea dey trying fuh steal it, this led to one commentator to state it would be easy to differentiate between the ministers named Patterson, sharp and ... not so sharp....

We leave you with our alternative tune today Brother Bob singing Exodus -movement of jah-gan people...

I wrote, you cried, freedom died.

I wrote, you cried, freedom died.

The Guysnooze newsroom was today thrown into a frenzy when we received our copy of the Daft Cybercrimes Bill, "jail bai, Jail, I too old fuh dis shit" moaned the editor, "#itistime people start fight fuh dey own rights, me ent able no mo" ... this was of course before the sandwiches arrived, after that it was a meeting in the war room.

The discussion of how to retain Freedom of Speech and not violate the laws proposed by the Daft bill, fittingly, strains of the Mission impossible theme music wafted through the open windows.

Editor: Boys dis is a disaster, will have to ask Lawyerboy (a local superhero) to participate in the discussion, I beg you reporters to have patience, he's a Chelsea FC fan and he been hitting the bottle lil hard recently.

LawyerBoy: Good evening, what seems to be the problem?

Ed: well , everything we do or say as an organization can easily be construed as a violation of dese laws, we know for a fact certain men does cry so we does try nah fuh talk 'bout dem too much, but tek we fren', the prize winning skunthole, how we gon refer to he now, btw...how he gon earn a living now? he does get pay by the "fuck aff"... dis ting got further raminfications... but fuck he, back to we problem, wha' we could call he for example so dat everybody know is he but he cyan prove is he we talking 'bout? could we say "Soapless Writer" or "Bess Smelling author" or ...Author of Bath Time - another fiction...

LB: hmm... look, I suggest yuh keep bail money handy , doan worry I will defend you when they lock yuh skunt up, you got my emergency number?

Reporter: I think I going back to work as a crash test dummy  mini-bus conductor, it safer.

Ed: ahm LawyerBoy, dis ting could be retroactive... like all dem tings people been saying over the years, cause Guyana facebook is the bess, no lie, it got action, comedy, fambily drama, in fact most Guyanese doan need cable fo entertainment, we got people on fb dat does talk out all they bizness, blow, blows, who is panty man, who is antiman, who is they mudder man, they sister man, who tek way who man not to mention dem tusty man who does like dem binni in bikini picture hoping fuh get notice, all 3489 of dem.

LB: well if it retroactive you gon get the death penalty... I thinking about raising mih fees....

Ed: so this might be the last Guysnooze edition, the end of an era, one year, 100K plus page views, it's been fun, so in the hope that the dragonian laws not retroactive, here's a last merry fuck you to everybody, especially the writers among us.

To El Presidente congratulations on surpassing Burnham as a Machiavellian, the old granddad act really fooled many and good luck with your memoirs "The Acolyte strikes back" .  

I also hope we fren the skunk wins the Guyana prize for his new work "Pick up Soap? ...What's Soap? - My time in lot 12. I know the competition will be stiff, as entries include works such as "Tight and Sweet- a new location by Jerry Bacchus, "Going down for talking up" by Lil Ram,  Pasta in Prison- a love story By A Runah , Javindar and Ajacent's homophobic tomes 'Brashun is against creation" "One way street" are also strong contenders, but I man...I man cyan stop writing because it hurt's your feelings, they could take the pen out of the cold dead fingers.

18. (1) A person who uses a computer system to– (a) coerce, intimidate or harass another person with intent to cause emotional distress; or (b) cyberbully, intentionally or recklessly, another person, commits an offence. (2) A person who uses a computer system to disseminate any information, statement or image, knowing the same to be false, and who– (a) damages the reputation of another person; or (b) subjects another person to public ridicule, contempt, hatred or embarrassment, commits an offence.

*I often wonder about those Jews in Germany and Austria, How could they have missed the signs and not sold out, packed up and left? Now I know the answer, THEY CHOSE TO STAY AND TRY TO CHANGE IT. 

Propaganda Worksheep

Propaganda Worksheep

 We ent get invite to the media brunch, yuh think dey had pinetart and ting? said our editor mournfully as he looked around the room, "dey dissin' we, dis ent gon done suh" shouted one hotheaded reporter, "leh we form a committe to write a strongly worded letter of protest" he suggested. "who hire this banna?" asked the editor "you musse new roung hey, we does it different, this is a sharpening of the knife meeting" . "The President has declared that he will use our hard earned money to fund re-education of this pack of lying journalist we gat, we will teach you to tell the truth weather yuh like it skites or not, fus' ting is fuh fine out who he did looking at when he did talking, I know Uncle Adam bin behine he back so he get spare the glare" said the editor, "maybe he did looking at the girl dem bai did wan' F@#&" said one old wag. "Well is only one way fuh fine out wha' H.E did really mean boys, time for Operation Truthify"... yuh mean like when the police gat "Operation Dragnet?" , dem banna woulda be betta aff wid "Operation Anser the Fucking Fone" skites ...and so the meeting went , until a method of observing the re-education of the  lambs reporters was decided upon.

Operation Thruthify

In the end it was easy, one man wear a nice suit and tie and dem let he in and give he a seat up front, one sling a camera rung he neck, he pass in easy and the back-up plan was to leh we girl bring in sangwich if the other two get discovered, in the end despite the ease of access and not being exposed we still call fuh the sangwich dem.

The class of reporters all assembled promptly between 9 to 10.30 (dem walk in as they please) at that time we were all surprised when the PA system blare out 'let us cooperate for Guyana" and we all stood as H.E himself entered the room looking sharp in his black crimpaline suit adorned wid nuff medals.

H.E: thank you for coming today, let me introduce the head table comprised of persons who will be educating you on the ways of the Truth, myself, PM Nahgamuchfado, DPI Snowball Con, who was one of you a few years ago and our consultant Rueful "brown baggie" Jansun, a well know prize winning skunthole  ...well we talking truth hey today, no need fuh varnish.. dat was lesson One.

 Questions?

Onrico: Why was I invited? I always tell the truth...

H.E: Do you? let me say this, if I were to make a statement now that "The sky is green and the clouds are yellow" would you say that is a truthful statement?

Onrico: No, I would not...

H.E: ehhhhh! wrong answer, once I say something it becomes truth, understand? that is why you are here, for re-education.

Onrico walks out at that point, our editor looks up from his pinetart and sighs...

H.E: for example I did an interview recently where i said there was no evidence of corruption against the PPP, I said plainly I made up complaints of corruption while in Opposition and am now trying to find evidence to back those claims up, this is how truth works, make stuff up and then find evidence to prove your statements true, I am confident in this method, it has been used b none other than Einstein, you have heard of the Theory of relativity, well its true ..now, but at the time it was a theory, so it is with what I say, everything I say will be proved true in time. Questions?

Uncle Adam: So who getting the contract to paint the sky and clouds? nat BK ah hope...

H.E: That is not my area, ask Joe, Now I have to leave to attend matters of state, or as my wife calls it "mid-morning naptime", I bid you success in your studies. (H.E leaves while the P.A plays "me bowl of boiling caffee in the marnin'").

P.M Nagas: Now that H.E has left, I am in charge and is not even weekend, well you heard from a visionary leader, now #itistime for my presentation on RE-visionary truth, for example, you may have seen videos of me on the internet saying "if i were to leave the PPP and join a next party, I would be a nameekaram"... so let me show you how that is not the truth, first of all it on the internet, do not believe anything you see or hear on that evil network, look earlier this week, both my office and the DPi office put our images on the internet saying that the Ministry of Tourism move to Katty handbag, yuh see, all abby Ministers of tourism does do is turn Tourist and travel 'bout the world but today, we deleted those images and say we merged this, all because Captain Yerry open he sink mouth on we. This we call being 'Re-Visionary" ....Questions?

HardTimes: PM nameeka...ahm naggas, how does this change you being a nameekaram?

PM Naggas: Look gurl, i said I would be one if I" WALKED" away, I get kick out...yuh see? any other questions? no...I gone, I too have to look busy at the office.

Snowball Con: I think the class is going well, and #itistime for a new concept, Positive Perception, I will use the example of the Waste Indies tour right now, some may have seen reports saying rain is saving us from a whitewash in the series, but I put to you that reports could be changed by applying positive perception, OZ unable to bowl out Waste Indies for three days or rain saves OZ batsmen, rain preventing WI from historic win, you see?

Stabber: but those are lies...

Snowball Con: are they? can you prove that? Waste Indies are still batting on day three...we could win any match we play in theory (remember what H.E said?) and the rain could be saving the OZ batsmen from the temptation of breaking Sir Donald Bradman's scoring records. Understand? now over to Rueful...

Rueful: Morning lesser mortals... today I am here to tell you about A truth versus the truth, A truth is a version that is acceptable to the government who is paying for this course and my stipend for talking to you, while the truth is somewhat more nebulous based on perception as Snowball pointed out. Questions?

GSZ Editor: looking down at Thigh-pad (not I-pad jus a note pad pon me thigh #oldskool) so how do we know what is acceptable to Government?

Rueful: we will tell you, in fact from now on all press conferences will include a list of acceptable questions. Questions?

Man in hat: Look is all morning we listening to rass! I mad vex I tek time to attend this ...this... Propaganda worksheep!

Rueful: look the PPP has sent its puppets to disrupt the glorious work of the workers paradise. why don't you stop being a sycophantic racist you idiot!

Man In hat: (sputtering with rage) ME! A PPP! PUPPET! lil bai I would lick yuh skunt down hey today!

Rueful: it is obvious you are a PPP supporter, just look at you, and obviously racist too, all yall Indians are.

Snowball Con: (whispers)...dats Glen Lall you ass! ... shet yuh skunt and siddung. ladies and gentlemen that short bit by Rueful was just for entertainment and not meant to be taken seriously, I suggest you erase the last bit from your memories. good day and remember .... H.E knows best.

*Back from a break and hoping this story pushes us past the 100K page view mark, is that true?