There was a man from Wales

There was a man from Wales

There was a man from Wales

Some called him Johnny some Jack

Sex slave at 12 to hear him tell

Daddy’s friends touched me there

He visited Uncle for midday snacks

his quick head and oral skills

Saw him decked in fancy threads

Lunch money and gadgets too

Alas he was dropped by the pedo bunch

As they moved on to younger fare

For years he moved away

Now back to claim his share

Fancy suit and fantasies

“Interpol will have you all shot”

“CNN is watching me, Uncle is plotting”

“If I die , you know who to hang”

Benschcop tried to bribe me

Chinee Judge lied to me

How this mental patient

Has it twisted in his mind

One would be taking a risk

To ask him time of day

Wristwatch is a spy plane

His lawyer Mr. imaginarius

May accuse you of tampering

With his highness

Family jewels and precious places

Stay far from this fraud

Or encounter the dreaded

“he touched my penis clause”

The rights of those genuinely abused

Those Gay and proud

Upstanding men and women

Have been dealt a stunning blow

By this wannabe Thin Slice show

The courts may have put it all to rest

But I am sure we haven’t heard the last

Of little Johnny yet...

Guysnooze Week in News 2-18-2015

Guysnooze Week in News 2-18-2015

What a week, full of surprises, some good, some bad and …well nah leh we talk ‘bout Waste Indies…

We began the week with news that Freddy had found a job post-UG as a Watchman, he announced this by way of his daily column in the Knews , reaction was mixed with the Publisher being heard to exclaim” this is wha’ I paying by the inch fuh”  which was met by silence from the editor who sat there looking longingly at the baseball bat gifted to him by the local league, “I would like to give Freddy this by the inch” he muttered under his breath, but the comment was heard and recorded clearly by the recording devices in the office (doan as we who recording devices, we ent know).

The Cow Party (URP) had a tiff over a spliff, and Ras Whahename left amicably,” I man need to trod to, I man cayn join who doan like Joint”…. Seems legit !

The Hummingbird accord was signed by formerly prejudiced men, who after 60 years took off the race tined lenses and recognized each other as former schoolmates from whence or whim? , both were fitted with new rose tinted lenses and dosed with Love Potion Number 9, wild celebrations followed as the vice-presidents celebrated their new positions, things calmed down after someone explained they were not actually Presidents of Vice and not in charge of granting work permits to sex workers, asked for comment the Prime Minister in waiting declared “I did it all for you and brother prak and sister Kathy got jobs too” , Presidential candidate for the collation Cde. Greenshirt simply said “sofee,sofee, ketchee monkey” in some sort of cryptic reference to greedy monkeys with hands in the jar.

The ruling party this week did nothing of note, which in itself was alarming, supporters and detractors alike were confused, link show writers expressed outrage, but finally a statement came out saying the party would leave all the comedy this week to Chow Pow, the General Secretary was said to be keeping a low profile as the year of the Goat begins tomorrow and he expects his star to be in ascendency.

The Irish cricket team had a wonderful start to their campaign serving up a lickin’ to minnows (who shall not be named), West Indian Born coach of Ireland Phil Simmons when asked for comment said “You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your father was.’ , Minnow chairman of electors said “stueeps”  and refused to elaborate.

Finally in our feel good story of the week, one amazing little girl answered the question ‘Guyana is full of……………” with the word GUYANESE, our editor is lobbying to give her the Guyana Prize…all of them for the best writing EVER! 

Collation Reactions

Collation Reactions

Guysnooze reporters were sent scurrying to a presser on Valentine ’s Day, what an injustice! But two political entities were about to coalesce and news is we business , so the editors were cracking the whips, “bring in more than the tripe they will hand you!, look deep for the bacchanal , find out who cuss whom, don’t come back with a release and two throwaway quotes, ya hear?”

Reporter: in a welcome new development the AFC has agreed to join the APNU collation, this approach saw the parties involved working past their prejudices, word is they hate being in opposition more than each other, both parties claimed that it was a fair deal done in order to win at all costs (no?) sorry, is for make better the glorious nation of Guyana, …….I like! How much? Was heard plenty during the negotiations, no word yet if the Principals of the New Collation would be creating a new entity or contesting under  A Perfectly Nice Umbrella , we await developments, over to my colleague who is gauging reactions from participants, interested parties, soup or rum drinkers , super rum drinkers and the man on the street.

Guysnooze posed the same question “what do you think of the collation?” to many and chronicled their responses below:

Cde. Greenshirt: It is good to be back at the helm of this ship, it is a dream come through.

Cde. Goatee: yuh put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig….

Cde. Nahgamuchfado: The next time, it is I who will be President that has been agreed to in principle, what a glorious day!

Rueful Johansesn: I nominate Dr. T who is a leading member of Civil Society for Speaker of the House!

Kneel  Koomari: look! Dem done kill wan man hey, he drap down deadid from heart,liver and kidney failure when he hear Moses gane crass the sea, he skunt should drungdid.

Cricketman: We win! We win!  (we know is elections he talking ‘bout ,cayn be Waste Indies)

Rapper Presi D: Suh wha? Who cares how many minnows swim in d’ pond, one bite from the shark an’ there’ all gone…zibby zibby,,hizzy schniznit…..

Rastaman: yes I, me here say the yute dem a legailize it, me a vote fuh dem , collation bun out, lion walk alone.

Lil Johnny: omg! Uncle Raphel is not a civilian, how could they do this to him, omg, let me text Cathy and tell her what a bitch she is… I going to release all the emails and tapes and I have on them, (brandishes item) who can DNA test this used condom …….or is this chewing gum?  Don’t suck yuh teeth and walk away…..I am taping you…….

Cde. Rolex: yes, I am in favor of this ting, even tho they put a drunken backside as home affairs minister and push me to one side like an old broom, is alright is best for ……look call mih back….

Man in the Street: well ah glad dey not racial no more, cause I kyan handle this raciality, race here race there, nobody got time to stop and give the poor man a towel, wha’ bout you brother, yuh look lil brucks  but lef sumthing nah.

Woman in the street: well me in understand this ting,all the time the singing” if yuh vote fuh ppp yuh racist, if yuh doan like the apnu , yuh racist, if yuh daon like afc yuh racist, if yuh got common sense yuh racist”… and now two men hug up and seh they not racist nomore, so vote fuh dem… I look like a stupidee?

Black Karl Marx: It is indeed strange that a container of rum should be left on the wharf, it behoves me to instigate an investigation with alacrity and stealth.

Reporter 2: there you have it, from the ridiculous to the sublime, confidence, hope, even some pre-mature ejaculations from Cricketman.

Guysnooze also did the usual rival headline round-up

Stabber:  Consummated on Valentine’s: A Political Love Story

KNews: Jagdeo not in Collation!

Chronic: Collation Kills man.

Hard Times: Amazon Warriors manager sends email to encourage Waste Indies team

New Nation: We’re Back Baby!

Mirror: They're Baaa...CK! 

Breaking News! Mass breakout in GT!

Breaking News! Mass breakout in GT!

Guysnooze man on the spot reports:

Red alert! Green alert! Yellow alert! All parties beware the youths have woken up and are breaking out of their pens,  the PYO, GYSM and ..uhm,( like A failed Collation dem ent got a youth arm, oops!) Have been put on alert as the youth of the nation have woken from a too long slumber and are asserting themselves all over the place!

......................................................................................................................................................................................

It’s pandemonium agent 007 has been tasked with driving them back into the historical pen, we listen in to the conversation.

007: dese utes is problems comrade, they starting to think for themselves! I cannot drive them back into the pen it seems they are being influenced by new ideas, send me some to entice them back, this is an urgent request!

Greenshirt: Tell dem I got a twitter

007: all dat showing is dat you is a twit! We need real solutions to youth problems, not you maths mistakes and fashion disasters! is how much greenshort yuh really gat!

Greenshirt: well change from this "Driven Youths" ting, how about "YOUTHS FOR DAVID GRANGER" ? I like the sound of dat!

007: i will try dat, oh great leader.

Cde. Hardman: Code Green! Code Green!

007: whu is duh?

Cde. Hardman: Play the “Race Card”

007: look, yuh know I ent deh pun duh, the utes ent deh pun duh either, so come up with some fresh ideas.

Greenshirt: Ok, we will form a committee to look into this as a matter of urgency.

007: (groans) not another committee, is how much we got now, garbage committee, collation committee, ganja committee, Linden reconciliation committee, committee to oversee the work of all committees….ya’ll ent gone done?

Cde. Hardman: 007 come back to base, ah feel like yuh getting to big fuh yuh booths, time for the disciplinary committee ….

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  

In the other camp the Red alert! Code has also been sounded and Infant Oliy has been put on the case.

Infant Oliy: thank you for electing me to head this prestigious organization from this verdant land of ours, where the flamingoes and eagles live and fly side by side , where our lush forests are full of lush miners every Friday night, where the tourist dwell with the labbas… (interrupted)

Worker1: ahm, Minister, we does only work with you we don’t vote an’ ting…

Infant Oliy: well what you standing there for? Go and clean up the university, sign here for the pine-sol, bucket and mop!

Worker2: the draglines ready to dig the drains Minister

Infant Oliy: any fish yuh ketch is me own, not dat I greedy….

Worker3: where yuh want this “walkway” built sor?

Infant Oliy: well see if yuh could build it lil high-ish, yuh know this place does flood easy easy

Worker3: like Iwokrama then?

Infant Oliy: watch yuh skunt deh!

Worker3: is arite bass, jus joking, ah like yuh shirt bad bad tho…is how much flower it got pun it? mih wife gat curtains jus' like um.

Infant Oliy: dat reminds me… free red flower shirts for all students and staff who return to class immediately!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

In the Alliance for Chairs camp a similar alert has been issued, a Yellow Alert and young party activist Mork Rass makes his report to the general council.

Prak: report yellow bud! Tell us how you have been engaging the youth of the nation.

Mork Rass: well, uh..ahm, I been trying to communicate with dem by sending photos of myself and engaging Lil Johnny in dialogue.

Prak: What?!!!

Mork Rass: yeah, I sent him a nude pic of myself and dared him to show people my 4 inch sotie, I am proud to say he did and it went viral!  We all ova the internet, it is all young people are talking about!

Prak: listen Yellow Bud, do we a favor ….go an’ wuk fuh cup….

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

*We will continue to follow this story as it develops

Bleating of Nervous Sheep

Bleating of Nervous Sheep

A week or two without the flock

Make the less independent flighty as fuck

Put me back in the Stable for sheep

Once more listening to lectures in the maddening heat

Who cares about toilets that flush?

If Professors running to ketch bus?

Forget the revolution!

Give me my tertiary education!

Those are  the sad bleats

We hear from nervous sheep

“Do not trust the Sheppard’s or dogs”

We know what’s best for us

See the bright building there

It’s the UG Cannery

We go in fresh and come out corned

Sold to the public in labeled tins

Look Honey! This one contains a degree

Let’s take him home with us

Such is the fate of nervous sheep

Comfortable on the conveyor

Ignoring the boiling pots

If all an education is to you

Is a paper degree

Your boat is headed for the falls!

Start the engine before it stalls!

No one ever achieved greatness

Having first lost their spirit

The will to fight for others rights

When you hear the frantic bleats

“Come back to class, sit with me”

Reflect on these words I share with you

A Wolf in sheep's clothing is a fearsome thing

A sheep in sheep’s clothing

Is so much worse

This is your chance

To make a mark

Your generation

Righting wrongs

That defeated mine

Your proving ground

Make it solid make it strong

United you stand

Divided we all fall

Stand strong

Stand proud

#ugrevolution

By Robin Singh

Collation Bruck up!

Collation Bruck up!

Guysnooze exclusive! You heard it here first folks, the much vaunted Coloration talks between Guyana’s opposition parties broke down after heated exchanges between members of the negotiation parties.

We at Guysnooze have noticed a trend by rival news agencies to manufacture news and not report actual events, so we have taken an executive decision (not sure what that means , but it sound official) to give you a transcript of the secret meetings so as to remove doubts of authenticity .

Prak: thank you all for coming to this meeting, we all know the evil that stalks the land must be driven out by all means necessary…

Greenshirt: Cde, leh we leave the Nigerian at UG alone fuh now, concentrate on the business at hand.

Prak:??? …………ahmm yes, we are gathered here today to bring about a verily important entity for the advancement of our well being in Guyana, ladies and gentlemen, I put to you the Agreement to Fully Corporate or AFC is the only way forward!

Nahgahmuchfuhdo: Thank you Cde Prak, I will accept the nomination for Presidency and promise to forget all the spiteful and vindictive things that were done to me during the 28 years of struggle.

Pandemonium ensues…

Cde. Rolex: this is an outrage!

Prak: Is who nominate he? Who is spreading these rumours?

Greenish: if the Deputy Jankelar in the AFC is putting himself forward as the presidential candidate, I announce my own nomination now!

Greenshirt: Order, Order, keep calm, somebody please fetch the Comrade. a glass of Daru to drown his illusions of grandeur .

Cde. Wofferet: Gentlemen is it the considered opinion that the collation should be led by an Indo-guyanese? If so I have to say “GOAT ENT BITE ME”

Further pandemonium ensues, after 10 mins and much muttering and glass clinking, order resumes

Prak: ok, pardon the moment of passion from my mentor, but yuh know he want be president bad, bad!

Greenshirt: let us not put jackass to pull harse cart,let us discuss finance and property in the merger.

Nigeswell: how much ya’ll got? Katty services not free yuh know, not even for me…

Rolex: mutters…like PR mean “Prostituting Relations”….

Nigeswell: what was that! You said something?

Rolex: if yuh feel I say something, go and check the tape…

Greenish: well we have some money and we do own 20 acres at Sophia.

Nigwell: ok, well we don’t have any money presently, but we do insist on sharing things equally, so we will take half of Congress place, ya’ll kyan keep the back half…

Prak: we are going to insist on All Financial Control or AFC , we also want All Foreign Cheques  to be made payable to AFC.

Nahgahmuchfuhdo:  (whispers)  tell dem I gat to be Presheedent…

Greenshirt:  (mumbles) lef rite. Lef rite ….. Come in green leader,

Prak: what was that?

Cde. Mustache: oh the comrade talks in his sleep, doan mine he, yuh know he lil old…

Cde. Mustache: so what would be the name for the collation?

Prak: All Forkin' Chores or AFC

Cde Mustache: we were thinking Peaceful New Collation or PNC

Cde. Woffert: We were thinking “Welcome Plenty Accarie” or WPA

Prak: what “we” ? ...is you alone lef in dat party…

Woofer knocks glass out of Prak hand, scuffle ensues, Rolex Grabs both by scruff of neck and breaks apart..

Rolex: man… keep calm, leh we see this meeting through nah…

Cde Mustache: so what would be the symbol for the new party?

Prak: well we were thinking how we are locked out of parliament and a KEY would get we back in…

Greenish:slams fist on desk)is wha’ rass we we dealin’ with hay? No money, no property and now a key? Look ya’ll Kerry ya’ll Poor Key outta this place yeh!

Cde Woffert: well said comrade, lets keep we Plam tree, Bell, Whistle, Christmas blow-blow and Toothless Poodle symbols and continue as before I declare this Alliance with Prak Now Untennable! APNU forever.

Agent 007 crawls out from under the table

Cde. Mustache: wha’ you doing here? Who invite you to this secret meeting?

007: Meeting? I was looking for Gidarie phone , he say he lef it hay, I fall asleep and now wake up.

Rolex: Gidarie phone!..........Danger!Danger!  .....meeting adjourned