The Dead Vote

The Dead Vote

The Guysnooze offices have been inundated with inquiries from local and foreign emissaries seeking information on the process that allows the dead to vote as mentioned in our story Back to Life, back to reality… , so our esteemed Editor sent us to the Gecon Department of Democracy to ascertain the methods used to determine how a dead formally alive Guyanese would make his/her choice via the ballot box.

We met the newly appointed Chairman in his office, we were nonplussed to witness a Tailor conducting a rather bizarre series of measurements on the Chairman, “suit?” we asked … “coffin” replied the Chairman . “better to be prepared, when I visited the cemetery to check on the process of Passed Voter registration, two men chased me with shovels… so I figured #itistime, you the boys here to write about Awhee People Necromantic Undertaking to ensure the Dead enjoy the same democratic rights ?” .

After we assured the Chairman that we were indeed here to investigate the Dead Vote, he launched into a short lecture.  “No doubt many think that the process of having the Dead vote is a scam and that we just fill out ballots and stuff them into boxes! Nothing can be further from the truth; it is a very specialized process during which the Dead contact us through our Psychic Necromantic Consigliore or PNC for short” he laughed and said “inside joke as you will soon see, I have arranged for you to witness a demonstration for yourselves so you may see the validity of the process.”

We were ushered into a large warehouse type building where we were astonished to see it was brightly lit, we always thought this kinda thing was done in dark backrooms, the building was packed floor to ceiling with ballot boxes and ballot papers, but surprisingly only one small desk at which sat a small man with a big head, at his left hand was an instrument that stirred vague memories for us, A house Phone!!!, that was it! , it has been a long time since we saw one of those, do they still work? How archaic.

The earthly dwarf with the baron’s head spoke, his voice boomed through the warehouse “welcome to the domain of the Psychic Necromantic Consigliore, I am the PNC and I give my service so the Dead may vote, please feel free to ask any questions at anytime, I can assure you that you are safe and no jumbies will harm you in this place, they are not like Rupununi Bacoos , who are not allowed to vote by the way, shall we begin the demonstration?”

Our Editor reluctantly agreed to begin the demo after bemoaning the fact that there were no refreshments on hand “not even a pinetart or cheeseroll, they will feel my wrath when I write up dis thing” he mumbled… and so began the strangest day in our lives.

Short Man (PNC):  I call on all those eligible to vote in Guyana’s General Elections to contact me through the Hausfone (the phone rang immediately and he picked it up)Ms Aletha Smith; welcome , how would you like to vote today?(listened, nodded his big head)…  vote palm tree, ok. Thanks for participating in our glorious democracy, have a good afterlife. Mr. Tom Jones, welcome, how would you like to vote today?  Uh, Sor I cannot advise you, I am only the medium, sor, yes, sor, the Oil company mek dem look like small boys indeed but…. Uh-huh, ok, palm tree then? Thank you.(shook his head) Ms. Rani Mukerjee, welcome , how would you like to vote today?  please watch your language, I know things lil tight but fukup is not acceptable, if you say fuhcup one more time I will disconnect you, no mam, my name is not Rawan its John. (hangs up,, mumbles) she wants to vote Fukup…well I never…

Guysnooze Editor: Wait a minute! Do you think she meant she wanted to vote FOR the Cup? …This whole thing sounds lil fishy, put the thing on speakerphone, leh we hear if somebody deh pon the other side.

The Consigliore was most upset at the Editor’s questioning and immediately agreed to let us listen in on calls via the speaker and even suggested that we could ask questions to ascertain bona fides of callers.

Lo and behold, the Hausfone rang and the voice of Cheddi ‘ever lovin’ Jagan came through loud and clear, we were stupefied.

PNC: good day Comrade President jagan, do I have to ask or should I just mark your X next to the cup?

Jagan: Bite your tongue lil bai, I am not a communist anymore, me and Blue eye Bowgie living in a deluxe apartment in the sky now, so put my mark next to the Cow, the republican party, and tell the fat reporter in the back I will see him soon.

Well, this is when the story start to get spooky, because the next caller as none other than the Founder Leader, the  Kabaka himself , Linden Forbes Sampson Burnham, there could be no mistaking or faking that sonorous voice, it stirred deep memories of days when Guyana was young and full of hope and promise.

PNC: (Stammers)Sir, I would have used the VIDP instrument if I had know you were going to call, sir, I will mark your X next to the Palm tree, sir, how many times would you want to vote sir

LFSB: I am voting for the PPP, little boy, I am now a communist! ,  I am calling from a time warp, I am trapped in the Soviet Union due to my embalming issues, I share a dacha with Uncle Joe, we live next door to Lenin and Trotsky, those two are always fighting,I swear one day Lenin will take an axe and…ah… how I miss my dear land, if I could do it all over again…

As we sat in silence basking in the glow of Uncle Odo’s description of his afterlife, the phone rang again, It was Cee N Shama. The PNC was livid!

PNC: This is a phone for the dead! How is it possible for you to call, and why are you calling since I can sense you are very much alive (he turned to us and explained) I can sense who is alive or dead over this line to avoid voter fraud.

Guysnooze Editor: Right, that is how we will avoid voter fraud.

Shama: Hello, I thought dis is the chief of crime namabh?  Me was calling him to report a very serious crime, somebody interfered with a 10 year old girl, I know because when I started interfering with her, she was already experienced, I am calling on the Chief of Crime to investigate these pedodfiles who is interfering with the girls I am interfering with…

And so it continued long into the afternoon, Arthur Chung who asked the PNC to “put mark next to  Kelvin Klien watch symbol, me vote for Wong” when told there was no ‘Wong’ as presedential candidate he replied “ Wat no Wong on ballot, wat year is dis? Solly, me come back in hundred years, Wong win then, oops me spoil suplize! Ha ha”

Then to cap this extraordinary day , a man with an unmistakable Trickydadian Trinidadian accent called.

Hey Boi,  I hear allyuh got oil now, so allyuh will need ah expert to lead the nation, fine a way to make me the President and I go make sure everybody business fix?

The PNC was wearing a puzzled expression on his face “Dr. Eric Williams? Why are you interfering with Guyana’s elections, you are not eligible to be President! ”

Dr. Eric Williams: Short Man, like you suffering from the syndrome that afflicts your kind, like most Guyanese you are yet to understand Massa day done, ah keeping a eye on allyuh long now, look at the contract allyuh sign boi! Allyuh need the Doc to lead you to the promised land, look forget the 1 from 10 leaves zero thing, that was youthful folly, allyuh owe me, I did giving Forbes Oil for free back in the day, ah come to collect now.

Well that was all we could take, to be honest all these jumbies jumping out of the closet was making us nervous, who knew what else Pandora’s box contained.