Seeds, Stems & Starbucks?
“The
Department of Youth is once again inviting young people between 14 and 35 years
to apply for funding to develop solutions to issues in their communities using
Science, Technology, Engineering, Agriculture, Anthropology, Archaeology,
Architecture, Arts, Mathematics and Spirituality under its $70 million seed
capital Youth Innovation Project of Guyana 2018.” (Stabroek News 14th April 2018)
As regular
readers of our service know, we have well placed sources that divulge minutiae
of what transpires at any given place or time, we called on them to give us the
‘skinny’ on submissions and interviews received for this important initiative.
Agricultural Potential Now Unleashed
Mission
“Our mission is to grow plants and
herbs used in traditional Guyanese Culture using the most advanced agricultural
technology to achieve the highest standards.”
Minister Nartun: This is a most promising mission
statement young man, what is it you intend to grow? Marrid man poke and other exotic
herbs?
Ross Tuhfari: No Ministah, I man plan fee release the
highest grade of sensi dat this here nation ever aspire to.
Minister Nartun: ? Sensi? You mean weed?... Marijuana?
What makes you think we will give you money to do this?
Ross Tuhfari What makes me think???…but Minister
it is right here in your press release “70
Million in SEED money” … yuh deny yuh own words iyah, ayuh dread
wid dis ting, real dread ..
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DROP
Mission
“Delivery of consumer products to inaccessible
areas by Drone for premium fees.”
Minister Nartun: Young men and women, this! This! Is the
kind of innovation and use of technology we envisioned when we set up this
competition, I feel to write you a check immediately! …but you know, we have to
ask a few questions about you business plan an’ ting… so Who would you say are
your ‘target’ market? The Indigenous peoples?... Or the farmers deep in the
pomeroon? Please share some of your market research with us Mr. DeCrew.
D’ Crew : well is like dis, we plan to
employ twelve persons as drone pilots and we need 2 million for the new drone
and ten million for supplies and 3 million to keep we comfortable before the
profits roll in.
Minister Nartun: 12 people employed as Drone pilots,
ya’ll hear that, excellent excellent, now tell us about the communities you
will be serving.
D’Crew: well Minister, we got plenty fams
inside camp street and they always need something, credit easy but like during
valemtimes dem does want flavored condoms and lubes…which we get from your bond
minister, thanks for renting a place in the ‘hood, and things like chocolate,
buns, guns, bullets, ya know regular prison things, we don’t DROP drugs though,
we condemn the use of illicit substances in the community, so we decided to buy
a drone but it wasn’t good, it can’t carry much load, so we would like funs to
yuh know, buy a bigger one with extra carrying capacity…. mek the check out to
DROP Inc. that is our acronym for Drop Right Over Prison.
STEAL
Mission
“To provoke Social Conscience and
response through activist actions and teach lessons using legal methods.”
Minister
Nartun: I do not want to prejudice my comments but previous entrants have
had lofty mission statements that have unraveled under questioning, however
your inclusion of ‘legal teaching methods’ fills me with hope for future
generations, please explain what you need funds for and how you intend to
provoke the ‘social conscience’, I was an activist too you know, when I was
younger of course, now I am an Optimist (hahaha)
Sherisse: Sir, we need money for visa
applications, plane tickets and stipends for our teams of Activists to travel
to the US of A.
Minister Nartun: Training? Surely we it would be
cheaper to fly in someone than to fly all 20 of the Activists you have listed, hookers hotels expensive you know , expensive…
Sherisse: Sir, we would not be going for
training, our activists will be executing STEAL , we will be visiting Starbucks
Coffee houses and Sitting 'Till Evicted Arrested Lockup.
Minister Nartun: I can see the Social conscience
awareness in your plan but I fail to see how this is a business or a legal
teaching opportunity!
Sherisse: Punitive damages Sir, Punitive!! We sue
them, we make tons of money and we teach them a legal lesson, Sir, it is a
perfect opportunity, plus we would need high quality camera phones to film the
incidents, Sir we have thought this thing out perfectly, our Activists are even
taught not to say ‘oh skunt’ no matter what the provocation.
Minister Nartun: and what happens when they catch
onto your little scheme, what do you do when they no longer evict Black men
from Starbucks?
Sherisse: Then Sir, we send in dese Coolie
boys in dresses with large backpacks and have them mutter "All who is at Bar" and
ting, in no time flat dem will get lockup, and is more cheese for the grater.
Minister Nartun: This is at least racial equality at
work, but…really, We can’t be involved in this, try Rev. Al Sharpton, he like
this kinda scam scheme ehm.. Activism.
COI
Mission
“To break into established businesses
and disrupt the norms, to boldly go and take what is rightly ours.”
Minister Nartun: At last! A Disruptor, I first saw
this phrase used on Bloomberg to describe Bill Gates!!!... Go ahead and explain
to this panel how you plan to disrupt business…and look, let this be serious,
not no story about how you is going to be the new GPHell and disrupt
electricity (hahahaha) I am curious as to why you call this thing COI?
Panic (no other name given): COI means Crowbar Opening Initiative ahm, minister, an' we need money to buy some ahm..equipment before , ahm…
Minister Nartun: Forceful name! and Powerful Super-computers like
Bill Gates!
Panic: ahm, no sor, we need money for
hardware supplies…
Minister Nartun: You boys will be building your own
business literally, how splendid! Hardware, yall hear that ..hard ware…
Panic: ahm sor, we plan to use Crowbars to
open businesses at night sor, when everybody gone home sor,…sor…
Minister Nartun: Wait! You mean break in people stores and so
with crowbars? That is the business you opening? Other people business? Look that
is thieving, get out of here before I call the Police and tell them you
encroaching on their turf!!... well I never!!…. all these applications, people
want to get rich, makes me Thank Heaven I Elected Forever ..I hope young people never
catch onto the old people racket…
*All jokes aside, ya’ll
youths need to submit your innovative ideas to the Ministry ,Get off your asses and hustle! ...its the Guyanese way.
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