Seeds, Stems & Starbucks?

Seeds, Stems & Starbucks?

“The Department of Youth is once again inviting young people between 14 and 35 years to apply for funding to develop solutions to issues in their communities using Science, Technology, Engineering, Agriculture, Anthropology, Archaeology, Architecture, Arts, Mathematics and Spirituality under its $70 million seed capital Youth Innovation Project of Guyana 2018.” (Stabroek News 14^th April 2018)

As regular readers of our service know, we have well placed sources that divulge minutiae of what transpires at any given place or time, we called on them to give us the ‘skinny’ on submissions and interviews received for this important initiative.

Agricultural Potential Now Unleashed

Mission

“Our mission is to grow plants and herbs used in traditional Guyanese Culture using the most advanced agricultural technology to achieve the highest standards.”

Minister Nartun: This is a most promising mission statement young man, what is it you intend to grow? Marrid man poke and other exotic herbs?

Ross Tuhfari: No Ministah, I man plan fee release the highest grade of sensi dat this here nation ever aspire to.

Minister Nartun: ? Sensi? You mean weed?... Marijuana? What makes you think we will give you money to do this?

Ross Tuhfari What makes me think???…but Minister it is right here in your press release “70 Million in SEED money” …  yuh deny yuh own words iyah, ayuh dread wid dis ting, real dread ..

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DROP

Mission

“Delivery of consumer products to inaccessible areas by Drone for premium fees.”

Minister Nartun: Young men and women, this! This! Is the kind of innovation and use of technology we envisioned when we set up this competition, I feel to write you a check immediately! …but you know, we have to ask a few questions about you business plan an’ ting… so Who would you say are your ‘target’ market? The Indigenous peoples?... Or the farmers deep in the pomeroon? Please share some of your market research with us Mr. DeCrew.

D’ Crew : well is like dis, we plan to employ twelve persons as drone pilots and we need 2 million for the new drone and ten million for supplies and 3 million to keep we comfortable before the profits roll in.

Minister Nartun: 12 people employed as Drone pilots, ya’ll hear that, excellent excellent, now tell us about the communities you will be serving.

D’Crew: well Minister, we got plenty fams inside camp street and they always need something, credit easy but like during valemtimes dem does want flavored condoms and lubes…which we get from your bond minister, thanks for renting a place in the ‘hood, and things like chocolate, buns, guns, bullets, ya know regular prison things, we don’t DROP drugs though, we condemn the use of illicit substances in the community, so we decided to buy a drone but it wasn’t good, it can’t carry much load, so we would like funs to yuh know, buy a bigger one with extra carrying capacity…. mek the check out to DROP Inc. that is our acronym for Drop Right Over Prison. 

STEAL

Mission

“To provoke Social Conscience and response through activist actions and teach lessons using legal methods.”

 Minister Nartun: I do not want to prejudice my comments but previous entrants have had lofty mission statements that have unraveled under questioning, however your inclusion of ‘legal teaching methods’ fills me with hope for future generations, please explain what you need funds for and how you intend to provoke the ‘social conscience’, I was an activist too you know, when I was younger of course, now I am an Optimist (hahaha)

Sherisse: Sir, we need money for visa applications, plane tickets and stipends for our teams of Activists to travel to the US of A.

Minister Nartun: Training? Surely we it would be cheaper to fly in someone than to fly all 20 of the Activists you have listed,  hookers hotels expensive you know , expensive…

Sherisse: Sir, we would not be going for training, our activists will be executing STEAL , we will be visiting Starbucks Coffee houses and Sitting 'Till Evicted Arrested Lockup.

Minister Nartun: I can see the Social conscience awareness in your plan but I fail to see how this is a business or a legal teaching opportunity!

Sherisse: Punitive damages Sir, Punitive!! We sue them, we make tons of money and we teach them a legal lesson, Sir, it is a perfect opportunity, plus we would need high quality camera phones to film the incidents, Sir we have thought this thing out perfectly, our Activists are even taught not to say ‘oh skunt’ no matter what the provocation.   

Minister Nartun: and what happens when they catch onto your little scheme, what do you do when they no longer evict Black men from Starbucks?

Sherisse: Then Sir, we send in dese Coolie boys in dresses with large backpacks and have them mutter "All who is at Bar"  and ting, in no time flat dem will get lockup, and is more cheese for the grater.

Minister Nartun: This is at least racial equality at work, but…really, We can’t be involved in this, try Rev. Al Sharpton, he like this kinda scam scheme ehm.. Activism.

COI

Mission

“To break into established businesses and disrupt the norms, to boldly go and take what is rightly ours.”

Minister Nartun: At last! A Disruptor, I first saw this phrase used on Bloomberg to describe Bill Gates!!!... Go ahead and explain to this panel how you plan to disrupt business…and look, let this be serious, not no story about how you is going to be the new GPHell and disrupt electricity (hahahaha)  I am curious as to why you call this thing COI?

Panic (no other name given): COI means Crowbar Opening Initiative ahm, minister, an' we need money to buy some ahm..equipment before , ahm…

Minister Nartun: Forceful name! and Powerful Super-computers like Bill Gates!

Panic: ahm, no sor, we need money for hardware supplies…

Minister Nartun: You boys will be building your own business literally, how splendid! Hardware, yall hear that ..hard ware…

Panic: ahm sor, we plan to use Crowbars to open businesses at night sor, when everybody gone home sor,…sor…

Minister Nartun: Wait! You mean break in people stores and so with crowbars? That is the business you opening? Other people business? Look that is thieving, get out of here before I call the Police and tell them you encroaching on their turf!!... well I never!!…. all these applications, people want to get rich, makes me Thank Heaven I Elected Forever ..I hope young people never catch onto the old people racket…

*All jokes aside, ya’ll youths need to submit your innovative ideas to the Ministry ,Get off your asses and hustle! ...its the Guyanese way.

The Undiplomatic Advice

The Undiplomatic Advice

Today Guysnooze brings you an Exclusive report of the Government of Guyana’s response to the interference by foreign powers in our internal affairs; one could hardly have missed the weekly pronouncements by the emissaries of the United States, Canada and The United Kingdom as they seek to offer ‘guidance’ about every aspect of our daily lives and economic future.

Our Minister of Foreign matters, already afflicted with ‘short man’ syndrome has been under fire from his colleagues for failing to address the constant stream of ‘friendly advice’ , it was noted that no advice was forthcoming from any ‘colored’ countries, Africa, China and India have been quiet and Putin has not instructed his Ambassador  to ‘talk down’ to us, our own Uncle Joe let his views be know clearly “comrade, you got to let these people know in no uncertain terms that massa day done skunt!, forget the lil tea the President had wid the Queen, send a strong message with your response, you spend plenty energy working to become the next president, yes, I know all about that! So mek yourself a man and deal wid dis eyepass, I will not tell you a second time” …well that was enough to make Minister Greenish turn pink with embarrassment, following that the various emissaries to the ABC nations released various bit of ‘advice’ to their respective host nations.

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Release of Guyana’s Ambassador to dese here United States

Dear USA,

We have noted your Ambassador’s kind words of advice vis-a-vis wise spending of Oil revenues, we would like to thank you for such advice as we note you have learned from your stupidity in mortgaging your children’s future by way of Bond sales to China, Trillions in debt from what we gather, in this context we can see your advice comes with best of intentions.

We in turn would like to offer a few bits of advice as follows:

1.       Don’t waste money on a ‘Hooge, tremendous’ wall on the Mexican Border, the people who want to come into what was formerly Mexican territory , will climb, burrow, cut holes or change their names to Mohammed Ali Mohammed and apply for visas, whatever the method, they will come in your back door.

2.       Stop shooting black people holding innocuous items in their backyards, their lives do matter.

3.       Do shoot white mass murderers holding smoking assault rifles at scenes of shootings.

4.       Despite your elections of a partly Black Muslim and an Orange man as President in your previous two elections, accept that you have a far way to go in achieving equality in your own country. Work on that please.

5.       Stop borrowing money from the Chinese. Live within your means.

6.       We note your derision of our new ‘experts’ in the oil field, but consider you had Steve Bannon as White House Chief Strategist recently… it would seem you too have ‘experts’ available.

In closing, do not hesitate to ask our advice on any aspect of your Country’s Administration, we remain your friends.

Regards

Guyana

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Release of Guyana’s High Commission to the Arctic Frozen tundra Canada

Dear Canada,

We recognize your attempts to hustle us for a piece of this Oil pie, we recognize that life in the frozen tundra must get boring and you seek entertainment, but anyone who elects a twit such as Justin Trudeau cannot be taken seriously. Consequently your opinion of affairs in Guyana has as much weight as a frozen poop Popsicle.

Save the good advice for those who care, hey!

Regards

Guyana

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Release of Guyana’s High Commissioner to her Majesty’s United Kingdom

Dear formerly Great Britain,

It is with some measure of grief that we offer the following advice to you, our former oppressors mother country, it is now obvious that you have lost all the essence of all that made you great in the distant past, having been subsumed to the Fourth Reich for many years, you have resurfaced as a shadow of your former self via Brexit, unfortunately you are a nation of nincompoops, liberal fascists that defy education. We would like to offer you some good advice as you seek a better future for your citizens.

1.       Speak English ..bruv!

2.       Take away all the knives in London, yall stabbing up matte too much now.

3.       Take away the spoons because fat arse is a problem.

4.        Stop buggering with your socks on. Take it like men!  

5.       Stop inviting people to tea with a dimwitted old lady. It stopped being charming decades ago.

6.       Your next in line for the Throne would rather be a tampon than King.

7.       Bathe. Brush those teeth

8.       Let Therese May grow some balls and deal with the EU.

9.       Jail all your own fucking corrupt politicians before advising us to do the same.

10.   The red head Prince boy is a blow child.

Cheerio

Guyana.

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We do hope that these three shitty kuntries get the message and stay out of our business in the future. We have already suffered for many years due to the kindness shown by the CIA in the sixties and seventies.

*Russia remains a true example of a friendly nation, not a nation in need of a friend’s assets.

The Dead Vote

The Dead Vote

The Guysnooze offices have been inundated with inquiries from local and foreign emissaries seeking information on the process that allows the dead to vote as mentioned in our story Back to Life, back to reality… , so our esteemed Editor sent us to the Gecon Department of Democracy to ascertain the methods used to determine how a dead formally alive Guyanese would make his/her choice via the ballot box.

We met the newly appointed Chairman in his office, we were nonplussed to witness a Tailor conducting a rather bizarre series of measurements on the Chairman, “suit?” we asked … “coffin” replied the Chairman . “better to be prepared, when I visited the cemetery to check on the process of Passed Voter registration, two men chased me with shovels… so I figured #itistime, you the boys here to write about Awhee People Necromantic Undertaking to ensure the Dead enjoy the same democratic rights ?” .

After we assured the Chairman that we were indeed here to investigate the Dead Vote, he launched into a short lecture.  “No doubt many think that the process of having the Dead vote is a scam and that we just fill out ballots and stuff them into boxes! Nothing can be further from the truth; it is a very specialized process during which the Dead contact us through our Psychic Necromantic Consigliore or PNC for short” he laughed and said “inside joke as you will soon see, I have arranged for you to witness a demonstration for yourselves so you may see the validity of the process.”

We were ushered into a large warehouse type building where we were astonished to see it was brightly lit, we always thought this kinda thing was done in dark backrooms, the building was packed floor to ceiling with ballot boxes and ballot papers, but surprisingly only one small desk at which sat a small man with a big head, at his left hand was an instrument that stirred vague memories for us, A house Phone!!!, that was it! , it has been a long time since we saw one of those, do they still work? How archaic.

The earthly dwarf with the baron’s head spoke, his voice boomed through the warehouse “welcome to the domain of the Psychic Necromantic Consigliore, I am the PNC and I give my service so the Dead may vote, please feel free to ask any questions at anytime, I can assure you that you are safe and no jumbies will harm you in this place, they are not like Rupununi Bacoos , who are not allowed to vote by the way, shall we begin the demonstration?”

Our Editor reluctantly agreed to begin the demo after bemoaning the fact that there were no refreshments on hand “not even a pinetart or cheeseroll, they will feel my wrath when I write up dis thing” he mumbled… and so began the strangest day in our lives.

Short Man (PNC):  I call on all those eligible to vote in Guyana’s General Elections to contact me through the Hausfone (the phone rang immediately and he picked it up)Ms Aletha Smith; welcome , how would you like to vote today?(listened, nodded his big head)…  vote palm tree, ok. Thanks for participating in our glorious democracy, have a good afterlife. Mr. Tom Jones, welcome, how would you like to vote today?  Uh, Sor I cannot advise you, I am only the medium, sor, yes, sor, the Oil company mek dem look like small boys indeed but…. Uh-huh, ok, palm tree then? Thank you.(shook his head) Ms. Rani Mukerjee, welcome , how would you like to vote today?  please watch your language, I know things lil tight but fukup is not acceptable, if you say fuhcup one more time I will disconnect you, no mam, my name is not Rawan its John. (hangs up,, mumbles) she wants to vote Fukup…well I never…

Guysnooze Editor: Wait a minute! Do you think she meant she wanted to vote FOR the Cup? …This whole thing sounds lil fishy, put the thing on speakerphone, leh we hear if somebody deh pon the other side.

The Consigliore was most upset at the Editor’s questioning and immediately agreed to let us listen in on calls via the speaker and even suggested that we could ask questions to ascertain bona fides of callers.

Lo and behold, the Hausfone rang and the voice of Cheddi ‘ever lovin’ Jagan came through loud and clear, we were stupefied.

PNC: good day Comrade President jagan, do I have to ask or should I just mark your X next to the cup?

Jagan: Bite your tongue lil bai, I am not a communist anymore, me and Blue eye Bowgie living in a deluxe apartment in the sky now, so put my mark next to the Cow, the republican party, and tell the fat reporter in the back I will see him soon.

Well, this is when the story start to get spooky, because the next caller as none other than the Founder Leader, the  Kabaka himself , Linden Forbes Sampson Burnham, there could be no mistaking or faking that sonorous voice, it stirred deep memories of days when Guyana was young and full of hope and promise.

PNC: (Stammers)Sir, I would have used the VIDP instrument if I had know you were going to call, sir, I will mark your X next to the Palm tree, sir, how many times would you want to vote sir

LFSB: I am voting for the PPP, little boy, I am now a communist! ,  I am calling from a time warp, I am trapped in the Soviet Union due to my embalming issues, I share a dacha with Uncle Joe, we live next door to Lenin and Trotsky, those two are always fighting,I swear one day Lenin will take an axe and…ah… how I miss my dear land, if I could do it all over again…

As we sat in silence basking in the glow of Uncle Odo’s description of his afterlife, the phone rang again, It was Cee N Shama. The PNC was livid!

PNC: This is a phone for the dead! How is it possible for you to call, and why are you calling since I can sense you are very much alive (he turned to us and explained) I can sense who is alive or dead over this line to avoid voter fraud.

Guysnooze Editor: Right, that is how we will avoid voter fraud.

Shama: Hello, I thought dis is the chief of crime namabh?  Me was calling him to report a very serious crime, somebody interfered with a 10 year old girl, I know because when I started interfering with her, she was already experienced, I am calling on the Chief of Crime to investigate these pedodfiles who is interfering with the girls I am interfering with…

And so it continued long into the afternoon, Arthur Chung who asked the PNC to “put mark next to  Kelvin Klien watch symbol, me vote for Wong” when told there was no ‘Wong’ as presedential candidate he replied “ Wat no Wong on ballot, wat year is dis? Solly, me come back in hundred years, Wong win then, oops me spoil suplize! Ha ha”

Then to cap this extraordinary day , a man with an unmistakable Trickydadian Trinidadian accent called.

Hey Boi,  I hear allyuh got oil now, so allyuh will need ah expert to lead the nation, fine a way to make me the President and I go make sure everybody business fix?

The PNC was wearing a puzzled expression on his face “Dr. Eric Williams? Why are you interfering with Guyana’s elections, you are not eligible to be President! ”

Dr. Eric Williams: Short Man, like you suffering from the syndrome that afflicts your kind, like most Guyanese you are yet to understand Massa day done, ah keeping a eye on allyuh long now, look at the contract allyuh sign boi! Allyuh need the Doc to lead you to the promised land, look forget the 1 from 10 leaves zero thing, that was youthful folly, allyuh owe me, I did giving Forbes Oil for free back in the day, ah come to collect now.

Well that was all we could take, to be honest all these jumbies jumping out of the closet was making us nervous, who knew what else Pandora’s box contained.

Back to life, back to reality...

Back to life, back to reality...

The Local Government Elections campaign 2018 kicked off with incumbent Mayor of GeeDee awarding a contract to Sonny Boy Contracting Services for the clean-up of the Le Repenetir Cemetery , our reporters caught up with the contractor as he arrived to commence the $100,000,000 contract, to our surprise, his equipment consisted of four used Canola Oil containers filled with Gasoline and a box of Safety matches, staffing for the multi-million dollar contract consisted of four scantily clad individuals with obvious drug dependency issues. Our reporters fired a barrage of questions at CEO Son-Son about the seeming disparity of the monetary size of the non-tender contract and his Equipment, Materials and Labor outlay, Son-Son then informed us there were many hidden costs in contracts such as these, our reporters sensing possible revelations of corruption by way of kickbacks pressed for answers, Was he paying anyone a fee to secure contracts? did he know Kickbacks were illegal? Son-son laughed off the questions and said there was no law against nepotism, and “look I lose 20 percent of my costs to theft only this morning, ya’ll think it easy to run business wid dese junkies wukking for yuh” ..to which our reporters surmised that one of the aforementioned Junkies staff had run away with a gallon of gasoline…

 The workers commenced to set fires on all four ends of the Cemetery and a few hours later our contractor exclaimed “wallah” wuk done and handed frecks liberally to his hard working staff, then as the smoke cleared staffers of Gecon arrived and begun making lists of names on thombs, this piqued the Interest of our lead reporter, who was motivated to get his fat arse out of the air-conditioned company vehicle and lumber into the graveyard to ascertain what exactly the Gecon workers were doing.

Fat Reporter: good day Sor, can you tell me what Gecon is doing here today? Are you making sure these people are removed from the Voters Lists?

Gecon: Sir, I beg your pardon! We would never disenfranchise a Guyanese, we are doing the opposite, these citizens have been denied their rights enshrined in our constitution for the last ten elections, we are here to correct that injustice, The Dead will be voting again! And to make up for what they missed , they will each be allowed ten votes!  We are returning to Old Skool Democracy under our Glorious Leader Comrade Burn…ehhem Granger!

Fat Reporter: But Sir, I am not seeing any indo-Guyanese names on your list…

Gecon: Nonsense, look this grave right here , see the inscription   Mpliza Npuncho, Family of Sing

Fat Reporter: (cleans away the soot to reveal Family of Singers )…This is one of that girl Lisa Punch four fathers, dem did get trick into getting onto the slave ship, somebody tell dem that they going to a singing competition, when they get off the boat, massa give them a cutlass and tell dem go practice they singing in the canefield, slavery was a brutal thing, apparently many of the co-workers could not carry a tune….anyways, wha’ you plan to do about the deficiency of Indians on dis list chief?

Gecon: What you want me to do?... is me fault that Indian people dose bun up theyself after they dead? I can’t register what not there… that would be unfair and leave us open to allegations of Rigging!!

Fat Reporter: Yes, yes, that would indeed….

Gecon: Instead of bothering me while I working hard to restore true democracy, you should be talking to my colleagues who are working on the Overseas voters list and procedures, I hear they not taking any old birth certificates, and you have to have a real Guyanese name, not every Hemnarine and Harrilall could register, you need a name like Jones or Smith to get registered, dats where you should be looking, let the dead do they thing in peace.

Our reporters were all set to leave the scene when there was a flurry of activity, cars with flashing lights and flunkies opening doors and some obviously very important albeit decrepit, people were ushered to a graveside and began talking animatedly, we recognized attorney Hues, by his sheer weight of appearance.

Upon inquiry we found out that one of his ‘witnesses’ to the Lindo Creek massacre was presently incarcerated in the thomb, but Hues would deliver his testimony, hearsay be dammed, and that the Head of the COI was only here to verify that there was a real estate opening next to the deceased (rare  in this crowded market) and that given his age, purchase would be prudent.

Our Reporters returned to the sanity of our offices buoyed with the knowledge that order was being restored in the Republic and basking in the warm glow of nostalgia … “who knows, they might ban flour next” sighed the Girl reporter “I can’t wait to hide and clap roti, all my ahjee dem used to do it” .

*No one died in the fire

*We could tell you more, but in the words of Uncle Joe “you can’t handle the truth”