Satan Qualifies!

Satan Qualifies! 

Well the qualities being demanded by His Excellency of a new GECON chair have been released to the public; they have however caused consternation as a cursory appraisal would suggest them onerous at best and a terrible joke at worst.

The Leader of the Opposition has declared his work to provide a list over the last month as ‘worthless’ in the face of the new criteria; he was able to share with us his nominees and the dis- qualifiers.

Nominee	Dis-qualifier
Jesus	Religious Activist
Mahatma Gandhi	Rabble Rousing Veterinarian
Nelson Mandella	Not a Judge, wears loud shirts
Hanuman	Hidden member of Monkey Party
Tarzan of the Apes	Apparent member of the Monkey Party
Mickey Mouse	Out of Wedlock relationship with Minnie
Pope Francis	Cross-dresser
Pope London	Un-dresser
Steve Surujbally	Rabble Rousing Vegetarian
Satan	Judges people, no fucks given, Qualifies!

Editor’s Note *No Unicorns were harmed during the writing of this report.

Happy Vamitzelly Day!

Happy Vamitzelly Day! 

So I in Scotiabank Friday,walk up to the teller, nice black girl, all decked out in a shalwar , well, I call all dem Indian things shalwar, anyways, I said happy deewalee , she laughed and told me it’s pagwah, my answer was ‘same thing’ …now I can make mistakes and laugh, but the poor Minister made the same mistake and bladdam! a ton of bricks pon she head, now… I not being paid to tek on Guyanese culture but still, I understand the lady confusion, dese national holidays are hard to keep track of, in February, one Comrade Phillips of ACDA said we have to do more for ‘Black History Month’, it seems we joined dem dere United States on the QT because I didn’t get that memo, we add ‘Chinee’ people day in January, despite ‘ Arrival Day” which purportedly is for the celebration of all arrivals to Guyana, so I can say honestly, I feel for the Minister, I know her “advisor’ deh pon skunt, drawing money and skinnin’ cock, so I have taken upon myself to lay out a guide to our National Holidays.

Occasion	Meaning
New Year’s Day	Get Sober from drinking that began on Boxing day.
Chinese Day	To Be Decided, suspect there will be ‘sales’ bonanza.
Republic Day	Mash in Guyana, people going kray-kray over the route…
Pagwah	Bucket to super-soakers, Guyana’s biggest water fight.
Good Friday	Jesus was Crucified for our sins, no Rum-shops open to celebrate his sacrifice.
Easter Monday	Go Fly Kites, all Rum-shops open
Labour Day	Tired workers get to march in the streets, Linclon Lewis gets to talk up.
Arrival Day	Ryann Shaw gets to talk up..or down to we… #hesperus
Independence Day	Of no significant import. #massadayback
Caricom Day	Drinkx N Daru
Emancipation Day	Free pone at Scotia, Dashiki day at national park, Sophia Drum crew performance. Eric Phillips gets to talk.
Eid-Ul-Azha	The good Eid, with beef from the neighbors.
Youman Nabi	The Okay one with vamitzelli an’ ting.
Christmas Day	Day we disappoint our children with lame gifts
Boxing Day	Drink to forget the look in dem lil pickney eyes when they saw their gifts.

On a serious note, please Cut the Minister some slack, throw water not shade!

SOCU Song & Dance

SOCU Song & Dance

It was 2 PM on a previously unremarkable Tuesday and our Editor was napping, his belief that all news happens in the morning or late at night led to his scheduling of his “Afternoon Siesta” from 1 PM to Whenever the phone rang, it did not take long on this fateful day…the calls and questions were flying faster than our sleep befuddled Editor could process “You hear dem lock up Lunchman for questioning?” “Wha’ you think?” …our Editor ill-advisedly answered “not my circus, not my monkey” which in this racially charged environment led the Animal Rights Association folks to call and lambast him for involving “innocent animals” in Politics, the Editor replied that not all Animals were innocent, remember the Goat that bite comrade Rohee?... Then the Editor rushed into the newsroom to begin gathering information for the Evening Edition.

Guysnooze ‘sources’ are a well guarded secret and so we were able to obtain a transcript of Questioning by Agents of the Special Opposition Control Unit (SOCU) not to be confused with SARU,NANU, NANI,NANA,MAMOO or AHGEE  the other related state enforcement agencies.

SOCU: Good Afternoon Dr, glad you could join us, would you take a seat please Sir.

DR. L: Thank you for offer of a seat but my caducity is merely an façade, my faculties remain in full effect and I will not fall prey to your chicanery, take a seat indeed, that is state property, I would be very much in the wrong should I take it…now my dear man, I understand you are British?

SOCU: Dear Doctor, Indeed I am, how did you guess? What gave it away? My accent? My crooked teeth? My clothing? I am curious to know…

DR. L: Your affliction of accouchement was easily discernible by the coat of arms on the passport protruding from your upper compartment of your vestment old bean.

SOCU: Indeed, very sharp, now Doctor, you are being accused of buying a house lot at a subsidized price, you paid 1 million for a lot conservatively valued at 100 time that, what do you say to that charge?

DR L: I am heartened to see that after two years that only such a nebulous accusation can be made against my person, real estate values are not exact science, we had a case where a well know accountant was making noises on the value of the land where the Marriot now stands, he argued with great conviction and vehemence that it was valued at 75 Million United States Dollars, however market value of a comparative nature showed that the adjoining lot of comparable size, complete with a Hotel of International repute and all amenities could not fetch 8 Million USD on the open market, in fact of recent vintage due to the complete mal-administration of the country, i would posit that real values have fallen to a mere fraction of those previously assumed, I would liken this situation to the parable of the Golden Ass…

SOCU: The Golden Ass?... I am afraid I don’t know that one Doctor...

DR. L: Not surprised,you Eaton chaps do more buggering than studying, keep your socks on, it’s simply a fable with the moral being that everything looks Golden to Asses.

.................................

SOCU Agent: (goes outside to get help) Could I get a local in here to translate? I understand the words the Doctor is speaking but I believe I am missing the meaning; here is the transcript so far, what do you think he is trying to say?

Constable Brown: Sor, is abvious, you is a white man, he know you ent gon beat he skunt wid no rubber hose, dis man could kerfuffle Christ! , you wasting yuh time, gimme five minutes wid he skunt and I will mek he sing like a kreketay.

SOCU: Out of the question, I did not come here to become an agent of state torture and to tell the truth, I am beginning to understand the warnings I received about questioning this man, they do say his Wednesday Cabinet pressers were an exercise in futile agony for all.

SOCU: Doctor, you may leave, thank you for coming and all further questions will be sent via email to your lawyer.

Dr. L: My good man, I do have more time, I mean you went to a lot of trouble to acquire my presence for your inane questioning, you do appear discombobulated, did the clarity of my answers throw off your preconceived notions as to my innocence?

.............................................................

SOCU agent to Constable Brown: what’s he doing now?

Constable Brown: he jus’ fucking you up sor, he know you ent got rubber hose, water or board and dat is the only way to get information from a Guyanese, licks is the only way we does talk, this fancy sit down thing is a big pappy show… who else you want we arrest? We all know this is just a Song & Dance to distract people from real issues. 

SOCU Agent: Tell everybody else go home, I think I will take a lie down now.

Breaking News!!!!! SOCU Agent under Suicide Watch

An Envelope for Joe

3/3/2017

Multiple Recipients

All Ova

Guyana and environs like New Yark , TeeOh and thing.

RE: An Envelope for Joe (A Registered NGO)

Dear Friends,

I write to ask that you support my new venture, I know, I know… the previous businesses failed, the Protest shop closed prematurely, if I had just held on a couple more years… but like the Mala store and the Immigration Service it had to go the way of the Dodo Bird and the Balanced Budget, which brings us to the reason I am starting this charity, “An Envelope for Joe” it is in direct response to the plight of my friend Joe, We are a new an’ poor charity but we ask that you read this letter with Sarah McLachlan’s “In the arms of an Angel” playing in your head, like they do for dem stray dogs in ‘merica.

 While you and your family are living the ‘Good Life’ , my friend Joe is finding that MoP hard to manage, he’s scrimping and saving but just can’t make ends meet, so I ask that you help me to help Old Joe make a better go, help me to help Joe live the ‘Good Life’ too, all I ask is that you forego one meal a month to help Joe, we pledge that 100% of the money raised will be used to buy Envelopes for Joe, let us help this man regain his dignity, he has been forced into reusing envelopes, the $250,000,000,000 we gave him in December 2016 was not enough to keep new envelopes on his desk, times are hard for him while you dine on Church’s Chicken, do I need to go on friends? Are we not our Brother’s keeper?

Stationary is not a United Nation’s Human Right but it should be, no human should have to suffer the indignity of reusing envelopes, it’s 2017! , so I ask you all to dig deep for Joe, after all he works so hard to ensure you keep living the good life, Joe had to endure flight on a cramped private jet in China just so that you could keep the lights on at GPL, he eschewed a comfortable seat on a commercial aircraft so that you may know where the GTT money went, he was unable to tell us but at least he tries, we know his struggles well, he was forced to apologize after stating he would not apologize, that kind of thing can do great Harm to a free spirit like Joe, and now the new low… recycled envelopes.

Envelopes were once a thing of great mystery and promise, the joy of opening a mailbox and finding a crisp new envelope, what could it contain? Stories from your new pen pal in Thailand, is he a Lady or a Boy?  Nowadays we know it’s all bills and notices, except when it is from a Ministry, that is our last bastion of mystery, who knows what goes on in those places, who exactly thought VAT on Education was a good idea? So dear friends, let us keep the romance of the Envelope alive, give generously, give to me and I will pass on an Envelope to pity pity po’ boy Joe.

I know some of you are haters and you will want to hate, as they say potaoes got to potate, so all we ask is that you send hate mail in a new envelope addressed to Joe, MoP, Rohan Kanhai Drive GT, that way some good may come from your animus.

All cash donations should be placed in new envelopes and slipped into my hand surreptitiously at the earliest opportunity..

Let us Co-operate...

Faithfully

RS

The Clamping Whores

The Clamping Whores

“Boss is Thursday, yuh ent going the protest?” Our staff at Guysnooze usually proceeded en masse from our secret headquarters (we friken channa and pineapple bombs) to the Anti-parking Meter protest, but strangely today, our Editor had not budged from his seat, strange indeed as he was the one who sponsored lunch at Shanta’s after such forays…

“Look, I been thinking about this protest thing, you all know I strongly believe that any action that adds a dollar to the cost of living is a bad action and should be rigorously protested and fought until defeated, but ya’ll think this silent protest thing is the best way to skin this cat?” asked the Editor

“Chief, I think you does tek dis vulgarism too far, why yuh cyan say ‘skin this pokey’ like decent people eh?” asked the new sangwich girl from Region 2 … at this the fat Reporter snickered and added “yeah chief, after all we protesting the fucking we getting, the least you could do is use decent terms like ‘contract’ and ‘services’, like wha’ the cathedral crew does use, fuss thing dem does ask is if you doing any ‘business’ when everybody know is Lumber shifting lumbar out deh every night” …

“Shet ya’ll skunt! …who elected ya’ll rabble rousers, leff the editor alone, ya’ll ent see the man got bigger ideas on his mind… you know chief…I was thinking that maybe the Protest could be spiced up with a music segment, and then we could line up on both sides of the road and I…ah me me and my frens could do like a catwalk modeling segment to end off the thing, like sayshay away the day! …how much mo’ of Dreary Land of Geeyana we could tek?” …the Skinny Jeans reporter was back from his Caribbean cruise and was threatening to come out of the closet any day now…

The Editor smiled, “out of the mouth of anti… ahm.. of …well is not a bad idea, just needs some tweaking, I say we ask them to hold dis thing after work, we could reason that many people cannot realistically leave work at midday, many have to travel too far to join the protest, an after work lime protest would solve nuff of those problems, those who barred or are afraid of being seen at the protest due to workplace bans could say they just happened to be going home and were caught on camera holding a cardboard for a friend… is nuff people who want to protest but the timing fucking dem up”

“Chief, I tek back what I said about you being a fossilized skunthole, you is a genius, after work would make it possible for a few ‘kool down’ carts to park up, Guinness and Banks could do rival promotions, Dax and Big Daddy could pull out the Burger and Bar-B-Q wagons and this thing could really show the Council we mean business by helping those small businesses, and wid all dem nice office girls..ah mean silent protest ent helping the bai dem cause, better it be a more information sharing session and lil beer and cutters does help the digits pass easier”… said the Fat Reporter excitedly…too excitedly it would seem as the Editor could not recall being called a ‘fossilized skunthole’ previously… he was seen making a note to ‘deal wid fatboy later’.

The entire Guysnooze newsroom was galvanized to begin organizing this ‘After work protest’ , first call was to the Rumrades who were more than willing to join the struggle, the MAPM was a whole other story, turns out after Dave Martins sing he song, Pat and Roy been by Brutal Tracks and lay down one of their own… if yuh hear them …

The Clamping Whores

Said the Pimps

To the Whores

I’ll pay you more

For every clamp affixed

A top up fee

From me to you

And there arose

Across the town

A startling sound

Of whores clamping down

Chorus

There is no park for free

I gon ress the clamp on she

Ah doh kay if he stop to pee

I dropping the clamp on he

I doan kay of you pay or not

You gon get the lock

I jus doan give a fock

I doh kay if you on the way

To pay the parking fee

I clamping you instantly

Is a much bigger fee

You will have to pay

And if yuh try to get away

I calling the constable

He will lock you up

And throw way the key

So make haste

And pay the clamping fee

If yuh only stop to pee…

Chorus

There is no park for free

I gon ress the clamp on she

Ah doh kay if he stop to pee

I dropping the clamp on he

I doan kay of you pay or not

You gon get the lock

I jus doan give a fock

*True thing passing as joke but an After Work Protest has real potential.