...Of Oil, MoP and Brooms

Of Oil, MoP and Brooms

“Anybody got a number for E-networks?” Asked the Editor of no one in particular, “I want to see if they have the Western movies channel and order it for Uncle Rafhell” “but why Chief?  You not known for generosity, to be honest more known as El cheaposkunto to use the French expression” said the Fat Reporter who had been getting spunkshus since he broke the story about the thief-man who became a policeman but whom never forgot his roots and kept on stealing, “so why would you give the ministah a gift? You finally get corrupted?” …. “doan be ah ass bai, I want he to look at them old westerns and tell me when the Indians ever get a good deal from the white man, it would serve he well when dealing with his new found ‘frens’...meeting in ten to dissect how Exxonmobile Proper Shaft Awhee”

The ExxonMobile Plenty Shaft Agreement (PSA)

The Editor began the meeting with a call to examine who were on the respective negotiating teams “draw up a table” he said.

ExxonMobile	Awhee
White Man with forked tongue	Red Man who eats with knife and fork
Jeff Simon	Simple Simon
Advisor	Ignored Advisor
Other Executives	Other Ministers
Technical Team	Bae (now Mrs. Bae)

 “hmm, I can see why some say we were not prepared for this level” said the Editor “but let us see what we got as opposed to what they got, draw up another table”

ExxonMobile got	Awhee get
To Drill and insert Shaft	To get Drilled and Shafted
87.5 % of OIL	12.5 % of OIL
Technical Jobs	Theoretical Jobs
Tax Free	No Tax Revenue
Duty Free	No Customs Revenue
Exploration Cost Recovery	Bill for Exploration
Production Cost Recovery	Bill for Production
Increased Production	Increased Corruption
Increased Stock Prices	Increased Grocery Prices
50% of Profits (if any, see ‘forked tongue’ above)	50% of Profits? #fingerscrossed

“Well… this PSA look like a ‘Fit and Proper’ comedy production, so, as I am not a Judge, I am not judging it, leh we see how it all works out.

Oil, Mop and Brooms

A scurrilous advert appeared in local newspapers advising investors to ‘Go-Invest elsewhere’ as GYPPEX commenced, in response,  the President of El Swear issued a disclaimer saying “stay yall skunt in Guyana, we got enough Crabs in we own barrel” meanwhile nuff waana be smartmen were at GYPPEX getting outsmarted of  $750 US to go sit and listen to Ministah Brooms talk about Oil, dat got to be legalized robbery, all dat money to explore ‘possibilities’ , if you had real prospects to mek money from Oil, you would deh in yuh office working on making that reality not sharing your ideas in a shark tank, that was a fishing exposition and it exposed plenty packoo and minnows, apparently it was a ‘Tourism’ booster!, while the aforementioned pakoos sharks were sitting waiting for His Excellency to make an appearance at this Convention, H.E was sitting patiently in his Boardroom,bored out of his skull waiting on Ex-Excelency, Leader of Opposition, to come oppose  ‘consult’ on substantive Judicial appointments an ting, instead H.E got a rude missive indicating that there was no objection to some peewat integrity appointments but plenty objections to the Big Sawaki Judicial ones, H.E in turn dismissed the missives and made Acting Appointments, H.E then entertained Brazilain Minister of Possible War for lunch and had to listen to fears of Venezuelan invasions while trying to keep his blood pressure down, to cap H.E’s day, his adviser on Petroleum was a no-show at GYPPEX, instead choosing to make statements of great integrity at UG, these statements were not embraced by H.E, whose office issued an unnecessary disclaimer.

 At the conclusion of GYPPEX, ExxonMobile’s Management and Execs were full of praise for the event “never have I had such a long line to kiss my ass” said the new Country manager and the 12^th Vice-president of production said “a room full of brown-nosers and salad-tossers if I ever saw one, and none of them with any clue on how they would make a dime off oil, remarkable experience for me, I felt like Trump when Romney asked for his endorsement, they would have dropped to their knees in a heartbeat”

The week’s star Minister Brooms, was also seen in Rose Hall giving financial advice to retrenched sugar workers, unfortunately her advice created much confusion as we found out when Guysnooze interviewed those she advised.

Guysnooze: Did you find the advice given by the Minister to be helpful?

Ramlall: dah lady tink she smarter than abby, she ah talk ‘bout whe’ nat fuh spend money, but abby nah collect no money yet, how yuh cyan spen wha’ yuh nah gat?

Johnson: Well the Minister said not to go in the Kaimoo with your money, I agrees with the Minister , the Kaimoo is too far away, we sugar workers prefer to drink by rumshop!

Ramlall: daru nah taste different ah kaimoo than at Ranal’ shap bai, dah lady nah no nuttin!

Samlall: ah wah’ dis kaimoo? Me taught was wan type fish!

Johnson: It is a den of iniquity, rum and whores!

Samlall: ohhh...how far yuh seh dis place deh? ...Mih jus’ waan know…

Johnson: forget the kaimoo, the Minister advised we invest together in drudge or form cooperatives and work on small farms.

Ramlall: dah lady is ah ass, me dadee tell me pardnership is a sinking ship, me money, if me ever get ahm, a go straight in Ranal han’, better me enjoy ahm than it sink pan pardnership.

Samlall: anybody got directions to dis kaimoo?

Johnson: forget the kaimoo, you did not hear the minister say not to engage in TIP?

Ramlall: dah lady stupit bad bai!, ah nah daru abbey ah drink, abbey sootee dead lang time now, me cyan traffic in pokey even if me want, dah fo’ dem school pickney!

Samlall: me taught TIP was Traffic in Port Mourant…dem got bus going to dis kaimoo?

…we left the discussion raging as the trio headed to Ranal’s Shap,secure in the knowledge that as the drinks went down,cutlass could pass if no-one told Samlall where the fabled ‘Kaimoo’ was located.

*Editor’s Note: After a brilliant week, Brooms is tipped to join MoP.

Chief Electricity Officer

Chief Electricity Officer

“Good News at last for the ‘suppose-ed’ power company” proclaimed the Editor “somebody ketch sense and import a Manager from foreign, acceptance of one’s limitations, no matter how painful is a sign of maturity” he continued in a sanguine tone “if dat was true the penis enhancement industry would never make the billions it makes every year Chief” piped up the Sangwich girl Female Reporter “ya’ll could talk ‘bout motion in ocean till the cows come home but nuttin beats a bigger boat” she laughed, some of the younger reporters blushed but the Editor was an old campaigner and he quickly retorted “we not discussing your ocean, let’s do a ‘fly on the wall piece’ on this new CEO’s first day, I am sure that will be more interesting than Sheila’s proclivity for men who wear Magnums”… and with that he waved his hand dismissively and went out for lunch, the Female Reporter was heard muttering ‘meen even name Sheila” to no one in particular.

A day in the life of a GPL CEO

After the unexpected announcement of his appointment on Friday morning , the new CEO sprung into action, I want to visit all the power plants and address the workers he said…of course what he actually said was “mih waan see wha gwan at dem plant fee meeself, den me go ‘av a chat wid the werkers scene? Yuh think dem gun av a problem wid I man accent?” , His personal assistant was quick to assure him that he would be understood easily as he sounded like most popular DJ’s and Radio Station Selectors ‘ah same ting dem a talk pon dee rajoe everyday bass, yuh sound jess’ like we” .

After a day of shaking hands and other mundane tasks our intrepid Jamaican found ‘heself’  touring the Garden of Heeden Power facility, as he walked he talked loudly to the assembled work force, “I man come fee change tings roung ya, so when oonoo find oonoo self slacking pan the jab, I waan yuh to remembah, ah jamacy run tings now and jamacy nah stan’ fee no foolishness, fus’ ack I making is to change the name of dis carporation, n longer shall we be Fukin Gphell Ink, I man changing it to ..boombaclath!!!” our CEO had tripped over a Line and complete darkness ensued, in the Garden of Eden, the East Bank, West Bank, and so too the entire Coastal Plain, the power outage was not noticed in Regions One, Two, Three,Seven,Eight and Nine which never had electricity to begin with, so for all intents and purposes, the CEO had caused a Country wide blackout on his first day… “So we is boombaclath GPHell now?” one wag asked from the security of the darkness “ is who talk dat” demanded the CEO “ I want to know who leff dis Line here, when I find the culprit he will feel the pressure” he snarled “Wha if the He is a She or a He who want to be a She or even a She who is a He?  Piped a voice from the safe anonymity provided by the darkness, amid the plethora of ensuing laughter the CEO shouted “ dat sound like a lil boy, we got chirren werkin’ here?....look me nah come here to discuss batty business, somebody plug dis Line back in and get the consumers lights back on!!!” a grave silence ensued, you could hear the proverbial pin drop...then the Union rep spoke “ ahmm sor, we can’t do that, it would violate policy”... The CEO was livid ‘wha’ the bloodclath yuh ah tell me here? We cyan jess put the people light back on, like we suppose to? By the almighty Bob Marley!!! ah wah’ really gwan in dis place”… “ well, sor, is company policy that in the event of a blackout, accidental or not, that consumers be kept in the dark long enough to ensure that they are so grateful when lights come back that they involuntarily shout ‘lights lights’ like idiots and forget to call us names, before you interrupt sor, this is Guyana National Policy since Burnham turned a blind eye to importation and sale of Sardines, Grapes and Ice Apples during the Christmas of 1977, this policy of deprivation followed by seeming largess worked so well that the Kabaka got 90% of the popular vote in the Referendum of 1978, since then the Principle has been applied to all sectors of life …sor, so like when Football World Cup come later this year, we watch the game times and give plenty outages before important games, so that consumers are grateful when they get to watch games and we come out like heroes! I could give you more examples if you want, but in private sor, the ears have walls if you know what I mean”  … “ me tink me hear enough, I think I am going to go have a lie down now, Kerry on until further notice and will somebody please tell me what the hell  an ‘Ice Apple’ is?”

GPL Press Release

Trip causes Nationwide Blackout

In odder news, Prize Whining Fictional Policy Writer continued to engage Caught Banging Juniors (CBJ) Teacher on the issue of bite marks on his sandwich, The master of policy continues to attest that his bread and butter sandwich was bitten before it was cool enough to do so ‘it against the law to bite a sangwich less than 17 mins out the oven, I wait at least 18 to be sure”  CBJ fired back that he was the one who buttered the bread first and should therefore be thanked and not vilified. No doubt a stretch of being buttered inside of what’s left of Lot 12 will change his (CBJ's) outlook.

Local Headlines

Hard Times: Roundabout contract not a straightforward process alleges BKay.

Guyana Karnic: Rupunini magistrate encourages area residents to ‘bribe buy local’.

Stabber News: “No need for Law school, I will teach Basil in Court” says Nandlall.

Cochore News : ExxonMobile is the Devil! #oilcontracts.

*Editor's note: 35 Gun Crimes in 32 days and yet more dead from Minibus 'accidents'

Cash Sniffing Dangles

Cash Sniffing Dangles 

“Call Eric Phillips and find out if all awhee still Black or if dis Lucy skeleton is a hoax” snarled the Editor, the weekend crew were startled out of their pleasant stupor, one poor mook even turned off the television and tried to look as if he wasn’t crying at the licks Everton were getting from Arsenal, “what exactly you want to know Chief” asked the Fat Reporter... instead of a straight answer, the Editor launched into a tirade...

 “I want to know if  Massa day come back and if it apply to all  awhee in GT, because couple week back, Massa only mention cash sniffing dogs and Rumjuton done hustling fuh buy two, if our bright spark of a Minister had only stopped for a minute to think for himself, he would have figured out how dunce dis move is, jus’ look at how much Drugs the Drug sniffing dogs sniff out… exactly! NONE! Dem Dog does get exchange before they take dey first shit on the grass hay!” …”but Chief …persons may be hiding money in dey house and ting! Is a good tool for fighting money laundering” piped up the girl reporter and Massa is a dacta!... Dr. Stickyton or something… well he head picky-picky anyways… she trailed off under the baleful stare of the Editor…. “Idiots! If you want to find cash in GT you doan buy expensive Cash Sniffing Dogs (CSD) you jus’ got to employ two Cash Spending  Dangles (CSD) to search property, they will find everything, Money! Drugs! ….Pffftt! Dangles will find panty yuh sweet ‘oman lef fuh yuh wife find in 2013, Bukta the wife sweetman leff when he jump out the side window last week, every black cent you got in the house, garage and rubbish bim,  Dangles would mek dem Dawg look like skunt!”… Shouted the Editor… “and how come we guvment ok with some ass treating all the Citizens like thief and drug dealers, if Forbes been alive I sure he woulda tell that lil jumped up colonial to go look in the Queen house, every blasted thing in she house get thief from somewhere, Diamonds from India, Tea Set from China, Husband from Greece… the nerve of the British to call people thief...and we got to spend good money for Cash Sniffing Dawgs now…ever wonder what one of dem costs? No doubt they ‘trained’ by the Royal Dog Sniffing Society in Donkeyshire or some skunt, Last I heard it costs about 70 thousen USD per Dog and dat don’t come with guarantees that dem cyan smell poison in Kibbles and Bits… to think Awhee Petroleum Now Unlimited and we still listening to man talk 'bout dawg... 

“Can’t we do a ‘positive’ piece for a change chief?” pleaded the Skinny Jeans reporter “is a new year and my astrologist says I should surround myself with positivity”…. “Sure, you do something positive, maybe on the nuff new radio and Tv stations licenses issuing but Linden still deh pon ‘soon come’ ,  Children Need Sex network (C.N.S) gon broadcast fuh years before Linden get sort out, or you could do a piece on People We Admire, start with the Director of Public Information (DPI), whom moonlights as the all powerful Director of Private Insults (DPI), He must be a Superhero to pull stunts like this and get away with them, Kaptin Fucough to the rescue!!!  then you can follow up with praise of the long overdue Carry-On Inquiring into the “troubles” , see who will get the blame, The Phantoms, The Buxtonians, Jagdeo or The Joint Services… and by the way, wha’ ‘joint Services’ really mean, it seems every big robbery one of the ‘joint ranks’ involved? Does it mean that Police and Thief is a single entity with two parts? …Or that the thieves smoking ‘joints’ before robberies? … dat should keep you positively busy for a week.

“as for the rest of you” said the Editor in a calmer tone, I get plenty calls from contractors about ‘Guyana’s First Roundabout’ on Public Road, seems the contract ent award yet and nuff asking for advice on how to get the wuk, ya’ll go and investigate, report back for tomorrow’s edition…

How to Get a Roundabout Contract

5. Demonstrate you have the requisite engineering skills by presenting a plan that shows a Circle, not a Square, Triangle or Rhombus . #important

4. Present color plan showing ‘Statehouse Green’ circle with Yellow trim and an X in middle of intersection indicating that it will be built ‘round ‘bout here’

3. Paint all Vehicles in your Company fleet ‘Statehouse Green’ with Yellow trim.

2. Present Academic discussion on the significance of a Roundabout in a Nation that has come full circle.

1. Plan should show a Statue of Burnham or something in center of Roundabout.

*Editor’s note; Government should Be Kareful in awarding dis Contract.