Smarter Solutions
The days of parking
Meters have finally arrived and we at Guysnooze have been engaging in careful
monitoring of the entire fiasco industry from various angles, we embedded
listening and recording devices in the office of Smart Man Solutions Inc.
Boss, Eyefah Cash, We gave the Fat Reporter the job of detailing his
parking experiences, the Skinny-jeans guy got the undercover job as an employee
of Smart Man Inc…. the female reporter was given the important task of keeping
the sandwiches flowing, no resource was spared in the pursuit of this story,
why even the sandwiches were made using Hellman’s mayonnaise, none of the cheap
stuff for our intrepid staff.
The Customer Experience. (A Fat man's tale)
Day 1
Having watched the best
demonstration at least 10 times, I understood the process well enough, but dat
girl tall and she built… I mean ‘simply the Bess’ ent… so forearmed with
knowledge and the Editor’s cash, I sallied forth to put same to use, I Parked
the car carefully into slot provided, not bad for a guy who bought his driver’s
license 30 years ago… got out of the vehicle, looked for the number of the
slot… wait…. Can’t see a number, hmm, seeing a sign saying ‘Parking meter this
way’ complete with arrow for dummies, but the parking slot number not
visible…get in car, drive forward..get out …see a barely visible number, 2669
or is it 2888 or 2889 …get back in car to reverse into spot, look back, some Jackass
pulls into ‘my’ spot… now I stuck in a spot that number under my car..but
I not moving forward to check, ketch me once… so I get out and look under the
car, hmm..muffler lil loose and what the hell is dripping? Is that oil or
water? where did those wires come from? … damm my knees hurting, what is dat
number 2668 or is it 2888? …
Anyways I go to
make my payment at the meter….of course the jackass who parked in my spot is
there before me and scratching his head, you know the scratch you see from a
monkey or yuh dunce friend who never got a question right, same scratch… he
looks at me and asks, you know my number? … I tell he two, two eight then one
nine, he punch in 22819…me ent say nuttin, easy lesson good fuh dunce and bad
mind cyan done… with my turn I put in 2888 and hope for the best.
Walk back to the
car to find a boot on the rear tyre…ah see Jackass car got one too, and he
looking like he going to kill somebody… I see the parking meter man and show
him my ticket, all paid for… the man is to tell me… yuh been here long long
already, is 8000 to get the boot off and I got to go to Smart man office and
pay and come back, show he the receipt and he gon tek the boot off…. Then he
look at me sideways and say..or yuh could lef something wid yuh boy…well as he
seh dat, Jackass lock he neck , Parking Meter Man start to turn blue so I
jumped in and wrestled Jackass to the ground, Parking Meter Man got free and
promptly locked my neck… do good hold wood…and that is how the law
officers found us, me in a sleeper hold by Parking Meter man and Jackass flying
kicks at my shins… we were separated by the police, who were then told by
Parking Meter Man that I was trying to kill him and Jackass saved his life, the
police thanked Jackass, one even promised to recommend him for a Medal of
Service at the next soiree at Durban Park,Parking Meter Man took the boot off
of Jackass's car and he went his merry way… God really takes care of idiots and
drunks… so my sainted soul, having been forsaken suddenly find myself in
handcuffs, neck sore from being choked, khaki pants ripped at the knees and
facing attempted murder charges, … the Police were very graphic in describing
my fate as ‘pleasingly plump fresh meat in prison’ , but just when I thought my
well preserved virginity was in jeopardy , the officer said… but yuh could save
yuhself the trouble and leff something wid the boys dem… I thank the lord for
this utterly corrupt nation and I hope it never changes… I swear I have no idea
why people like this idea of law and order so much, better to pay at the low
level of police than when it reach magistrate or Judge, that woulda be
millions, as is, I parted company with $30,000 of the editor’s money. I got the
boot off my car and Parking Meter Man even thanked me for his share of the
raise as I drove off… the temptation to run he skunt over was real…this
Christian God really tests his children with this turn the other cheek rass,
thinking of converting to one of those religions that blow shit up… serenity
now!
The Customer Experience
Day 2
Pick a different part of
town, tracing luck, try Regent road, believe I am better prepared than
yesterday, have pen and paper in car to write parking slot number an’ ting,
feeling positive vibes… see an open slot, steer over to take spot but stop to
write the slot number down, 3876, easy enough… not so fast says the policeman
on the motorbike who appears at my car window..whe’ the skunt he come from?
Documents please? he asks, I produce same, he looks them over then tells me I
was obstructing traffic… I explain I was writing the parking slot number down,
police ent kay, is ticket or leff sumting, I leff sumting… parked in slot, out
of car hurrying to pay the meter… meter has a crowd surrounding it, lots of
shoving and swearing, no line, just sweaty angry Guyanese, think discretion is
better part of the valor and get back in my car, heading to a less trafficked
area, maybe a school? Get to Bishop’s park, armed with number, meter smells
like a urinal, probably attracts pissing men from miles around from the stink
of it! Man in front of me is pressing every button on the meter, after five
minutes I offer to help, I ask for his parking slot number, he says ‘oh, I doan
have a car, I just wanted to see how the ting works!’… God grant me strength….
He eventually tires of paying for his non-existent car and I get my turn, I pay
for parking! Finally, I place ticket inside windscreen as directed and proceed
leisurely to nearby café, not worried I paid for an hour, Pine-tart time!
Half an hour later
escape Café , owner wore my ears out with lamentations about prize winner who
doan come by anymore since he got a job, seems the place was only good enough
when it was free, I assure the café owner that I was there to pay hard cash,
much of the Editor’s float changed hands, head back to car, Boot on rear wheel!
Parking Meter Man
standing there with a grin on he stupit face, well I mad as hell, but he got a
police wid he, so I keeping calm, “sir”, he rushes to explain, “it seems you
paid to park in Regent Road and trying to use that ticket in Carmichael
Street.. you trying fuh smart a Smart man?” …it seems I entered the slot number
from regent road into the meter, I opt for the ‘leff sumting’ and get the boot
off…
The Customer Experience
Day 3
Getting the hang of this
thing, by golly! Have learned to read and memorize the parking slot number as I
glide into my choice of spots, get out, follow sign “To Parking Meter” … can’t
seem to find parking meter, I find another sign directing me back in the
direction I came from… not a Parking Meter in sight but… Parking Meter Man and
he police fren’ done got the Boot on my wheel, I protest as much as the law
allows, all the time wondering to myself ‘why I din let jackass kill Parking
Meter Man?”…. Confucius say “if you save
someone’s life, you are responsible for them thereafter, I feel like reversing
my mistake at this very moment… the Police tout explains that the law makes no
mention of the need for a Parking Meter only that a receipt must be on the
dashboard , I ask he if he name Brin Pollard, because is only he does spout
such skunt! , well, I get charged with threatening and abusive language, use of foul language
in the vicinity of a school, in the end I left the inevitable ‘sumting’
…rethinking my stance on hanging as punishment for corruption , moving to the
Duterte school of ‘shoot dey skunt’.
Day 4
I Calculate the cost of
the parking for the last three days, $40,000 for less than an hour, I would
gladly pay $50 plus vat for the 15 minutes now to think about it, instead I
Place “FOR SALE’ sign on car. Spend rest of morning looking online for a prayer
to keep me safe in minibuses.
The 'skinny' on the Employee Hustle Experience.
Day 1
Join ranks of Parking
Meter Persons, get pep talk at 6 AM from Bossman heself, Eyefah Cash, “go out
and put the boot on cars that violate the sacred code of paid parking”
..was like a speech by a sports coach before a big game, I am very inspired….
7 Am: car parked outside Smart Man Inc. no ticket on
dashboard, I drop the boot on it! run back inside excitedly tell the office
staff ‘I ketch one ahready!” …everyone rushes outside to see… big letdown,
turns out is the Boss cyar…I take off the boot shamefacedly, he doan look
happy, but says nothing, I feel like an errant child who has tried too hard to
please…
Early report comes in of
the attempted murder of a Parking Meter Man (PMM) by some fat bastard, then the
Parking Meter Persons (PMP) get to talking on the cell phones and consensus is
that a police ‘fren’ would assist with prying ‘raises’ out of booted customers,
almost instantaneously a Policeman appears and offers to assist me in my
duties, suspect the Policemen been on their cell network also, a symbiotic
parasitic bond has been formed, and they say Guyana has no unity.
On regent road, see car
in slot, no ticket on dashboard, drop the boot on, customer turns up with
receipt, I adopt my best sneer and say the words I learned at PMP school, ‘you
can’t smart a smart man” … Customer offers a ‘raise’ to take the boot
off… I refuse but my police friend quickly makes other arrangements and I am
forced to remove the boot or face a loitering charge..as the policeman said…
“like you come here to skylark banna, is cheese we got to grate”…
In all I put the boot on
22 cars, my Police friend collected 22 raises and ordered me to remove the boot
22 times, I did not ask or receive any payment at any time…
Day 2
In all I put the boot on
50 cars, my Police friend collected 50 raises and ordered me to remove the boot
50 times, I did not ask or receive any payment at any time…
Day 3
In all I put the boot on
80 cars, my Police friend collected 80 raises and ordered me to remove the boot
80 times, I did not ask or receive any payment at any time…
Day 4
In all I put the boot on
100 cars, my Police friend collected 100 raises and ordered me to remove the
boot 100 times, I did not ask or receive any payment at any time… I will
however be taking my annual leave early and going on a Caribbean Cruise with my
…well, is nobody business who I go with and where…
Smart Man Inc Offices
Day 1
After his 6 AM pep talk to the Parking Meter Persons (PMP’s) , Eyefah Cash
heads into an early conference call with the Council, the plan is to jointly
monitor progress of the first day of paid parking, Operation “Cash In” as it
was named, One councilor used this time to suggest that there hardly seemed to
be enough meters, “I ent see none by the hospitals, some schools have none and
what about the mini-bus and car parks…would seem that a car park would be a
place for a parking meter by very nature” … Eyefah excitedly agrees with the
councilor but is quickly reminded by the Deputy mayor that the proposer is a
Previously Powerful Party representative and he might be “trying to fuck we
up”… Eyefah disagrees vehemently and suggests that the idea be tabled for
further discussion, “soon people will feel odd if the parking is free, the man
is a fellow visionary, Hospitals…yes… yes” … the computer reports sales of
Pre-paid parking cards has topped 1 Million in the first hour! …the Council
bursts into spontaneous applause, the Mayor and Town Clown begin dancing and
singing ‘ride the donkey’ in between babbling on about converting Mexican
pesos to US Dollars, some councilors seen with pensive looks at this mention…
11 AM: Sales of Pre-paid parking cards have topped 20
Million and rising, but Eyefah Cash is storming around the office, “the real
money is in booting cars, pre-paid is chickfeed”… so far no reports have come
in of cars being booted, not one fine paid!
4 PM: Eyefah Cash is in pensive mood, no cars booted
all day? Impossible… looks like the PMP’s deh pon skunt! ..but how to find out
what was actually happening?
4.22 PM: Eyefah calls the Commissioner of Police
EC: sir, this is Eyefah Cash From Smart Man Inc. ,
sir, I have to protest the actions of your people, they are colluding with my
employees to rake in cash!
CoP: well if you too stupid to work out how to get
a percentage know that we at the Get Percentage Fixed (GPF) have sorted that
out years ago, no policeman works alone, the percentages are fixed for every
activity, Motorbike men bring in higher percentages than walking ranks et
cetera… I suggest you spend time fixing you business and stop wasting police
time. Good day! (CLICK)
*Editor's note: No
Employees were harmed while on assignment, not on Day 1 at least, but there's
always tomorrow. Check in for Day 2 action from Smart Man Solutions Inc.
