Diary of a Land Grabber

Diary of a Land Grabber

Captain’s Log: Morning of what will become known as “day zero” , woke up to social media pictures of persons cutting grass, measuring plots and staking claims aback of someway, had a good laugh, this will never catch on…

Afternoon Day Zero: The rush to grab land is on, reports keep landing on my desk, Enmore, Diamond, Crane, Herstelling, Histelling, the shout is on! It is time! To #moveforward . Begin making plans, visit hardware store, buy cutlass, cans of spray paint, and a new water filter (“somebody” bruck GWI main while helping the new jefe clean up)

Dawn Day One: Woke up raring to go grab some land, turned on the tv Home Alone showing on NCN, how fitting, this does feel like Christmas.

Mid-Morning day one: hmm, woke up on couch, darn the evil NCN and dis lil banna who parents keep lorseing he…

Afternoon day one: resolved to go grab land after lunch.

Evening day one: woke up on couch, not sure what day it is, darn that cook-up and fry fish, mankind is not built to resist the ensuing ethnic fatigue…. Resolve to go grab land tomorrow.

Captain’s Log: Day Two

Woke at dawn, did not turn on TV, fool me one NCN, checked Facebook , cripes , did you see the sizr of that snake? …..Whoa, oh no, nah, nah, nah, nobady ent throwing shade at me? Shademiester ent tekkin lef… wha’ bout duh time when yuh was homeless and pickin’ fare fuh fry rice? Ha, dat will keep she quiet for today… now for a quick nap.

Afternoon day two: after visiting three land grab locations have managed to cut a sizeable lot in success, standing admiring my work when I get an offer of $200, 000 cash, no questions no receipt needed! SOLD!, now at Debs beating likker, easiest money I eva mek!

Day Three: Hangova…phone on silent, wife on silent cause I sell she lot, she lot? Is me hand gat carn….and cant find the ress of the 200G but a friken fuh ask she… decided to do like Impressions and tek the lorse.

Day 4: have been joined by many new friends from Debs, including a former minister, we have decided to claim by the acre, easier, less wood and more re-sale value, from the way the minister wukkin’ yuh could tell he barn fuh cut cane.

Afternoon day four: Police arrive in Jeeps and call for us to cease and desist!  They ask us to come closer to hear what they have to say, I drap me cutlass right away, I know how much police report gat, “I shoot he caz he was approaching me with a cutlesh in han’” , so we go, some long tra-la-la ‘bout wait and we gon get lan’ , I steups lil to loud and the orficer ups me , he ask me name, I say Kwesi sor, , well Kwesi, he say, you going to have to wait longer, wid dat , he tell we get out the place, but nobady ent move…. He say he coming back tomorrow…. Well imagine me surprise when I go back an’ cayn find me cutlesh, the thiefin’ in dis lawless place skunt, an’ ah know is one of dese bitches right hay… Greenshort gon deal wid they skunt! ....anyways, ah get anadder good offer and I sell the new lan’ pun the spot!

Day five: wake up sore all over, likker flow like wata at Dens deh,ass feel lil sore, musse the bennin ova... ah remember a waitress or was it waiter , look lil funny to me did eyein’ me up, again can’t find the money ah sell of the new land fuh…mih fingers all gat carn, ah tekking the day off…. 

Afternoon day five: Wife sporting new hair-do and asking if I ent going and grab some lan'...stueeps....