Public Service Announcements

 Public Service Announcements

Our Editor was ebullient, walking through the newsroom as happy as a child with a pack of crayons and a newly painted white wall “wake up you slackers!” he bellowed, “it is time to do something for your country for a change, was it not JFK who said, ask not …. And you will get not?” … 

“Chief, Kennedy never said that” piped up the Fat Reporter… 

“how you know he neva seh dat” shot back the Editor “you bin deh?” … “anyways, he was a Democrat who owned slaves and he father was a nazi lover, so whatever he say or did not say is of no great import, what is important is what minister Hughes said… we get to write and produce our own Public Service Announcements, now that is exactly what we are going to do today, now We don’t want regular PSA’s like Don’t dump fucking garbage here or Don’t piss here skunt  we want quality advice for Guyanese citizens, written in language the everyman can understand for example “If yuh have loley and run mad, do not take off yuh clothes, lef dat for man with LOLO, loley man not qualified to be naked madman”…so leh we team up and show we can cooperate and make Guyana great.

And so the news team split into small groups to brainstorm, at the end of the day we picked some of the better ones to produce.

What to do if stopped by the Police.

Citizen: (Roll down heavily tinted window and say “goodnight Officer, you and the boys must be thirsty working on such a hot night (even if it is raining), can I leave some money for you to buy some refreshments later? Here’s a Granger… you have a good night too sir” …Pull away slowly from roadblock…wave to black youths being searched for ‘seeds and stems’… DO NOT light your spliff until clear of roadblock.

What to do if stopped by the Police while Black.

Black Citizen: Do nothing, Say nothing, anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law, it can also get you a severe beating and 72 hours imprisonment.

Allow the following: Strip of your tint, search of vehicle and person, close examination of your documents, questions on how you can afford car, if you are (hot) female, the officer may ask for your cell number, do not give a fake number as he will call you right there, feel free to change sims after.

Wave to the fat skunt who jus’ leff a raise wid the boys…

You are allowed to complain about this treatment AFTER you get home and get on FACEBOOK.

What to do if thiefman in your house.

• Post on Fb: Thief in mih house ..help, 
• Cover yourself with the Blood of Jeezus, 
• hope for the best. 

This message courtesy Ministry of Security.

What to do if sweetman in your house.

Leave packets of ‘MAGNUM’ condoms in strategic spots around the house, no woman will put up with an insecure Sweetman , for the bad-minded, you can also leave some tubes of Norton’s Special Lube . (Available at the Sussex street Bond)

How to answer questions at a Commission of Inquiry (Because at this rate all of us will have to answer questions sooner or later)

In response to any question asked you are free to use any of the following as an answer:

• ·         I cannot recall
• ·         I do  not know
• ·         I uses to fuck his wife, sor.

How to deal with GPL

Have a Family fun night, play games such as Hide and Seek and Find the Candle for Mommy.

Have Adult games night, play games such as Hide and Peep and Hide the Candle in Mommy.

How to deal with GTT

Grin and bear it, Blaze will fix the problems.

How to deal with Digi

Call the hotline, tell them your name is Detective Homes and you are looking into the case of the Missing Credit. Threaten to jail dem.

How to spot a Dangles

Go Palms Court or Club Privilege , look around…is Wall to All Dangles, Whifey material deh home watching Game of Thrones reruns and imagining Dragons not wining up like Gorgons.

PSA on Upcoming events in GT:

• ·     Nightly mini-bus races/ Smash up.
• ·         Chinee restaurant stick up
• ·         Stabroek Friday nite choke ‘n stroke
• ·          Pick the Pogwolly date
• ·         Protest the Pogwolly date choice
• ·         Vat on School Fees protest (September)
• ·         Protest of the Protest on Vat on School fees (also September) 
•      Protest the Return of Parking Meters
• 
  

How to Handle Street harassment

All beautiful women know the problem of street harassment all too well but the Ugleeshas can also get a few Cat-calls due to the fatness of the aforementioned Cat... Ideally, women would own Guns and shoot these assholes, but we do not live is such a Utopia and the burden falls upon the Hot women to deal with the asinine Guyanese male, here are some tips for dealing with these Ignormai.

• ·         Ignore them (boring but safe)
• ·         Respond “like yuh mother own”
• ·         Walk wid an Anti-man  Gay fren to buse dem.

We do hope the preceding Public Service Announcements will inspire our local media and broadcast organizations to engage as requested by Minister Hughes.

Have a blessed day: The Guysnooze Team

Freedumb of DePress

Freedumb of DePress

The Editor was in a pensive mood as he arrived in the office this morning, none of the usual banter with the anti-man reporter or trying to steal cheeserolls from the fat bastard reporter, no playful gleam in his eyes, all he said was “meeting in five minutes”… the reporters dutifully filed into the room and took their places….. the editor began without preamble “it has been six months since the government passed the Broadcast Amendment Bill of 2017, one hour every day of public service messages, we all know it started well, reports of various planned projects for the improvement of the lives of the Citizens, layman explanations of laws, ‘The cigarette and You’  was a classic, ‘Why potato when a Plantin will do’ that kind of thing was good, but now… it seems they have run out of things to tell us, look at the transcript provided for today” ….

From the DPI 

Public Service Announcement 180

Dear Citizens, we the Government has been hard at work for to make your life better, these important things happened since our last PSA yesterday;

• ·         Our Glorious president woke up in good health and had a wonderful bowel movement; our Prime Minister himself inspected the product and marveled at the sheer volume of it.
• ·         Minister Harmon added the newly created  Ministry of Flippant Replies  to his portfolio to make that 35 in all, his responsibilities now include Ministries of Denial, Flippant Replies and Press conferences, The Prime Minister himself approved the additional ministry and was on hand to shake the hand of the Minister of many ministries, Minister Harmon said he was grateful for the handshake from such an important person as the Prime Minister and he hoped he could get a new ministry every day just for the opportunity to stand next to such a shining star!
• ·         The Minister of Business today approved a license application made by Otisha and the Brutal crew for a Lumber business in and around the Georgetown Cathedral, this special license will allow the crew to take hard wood and make it soft. The Prime Minister congratulated the new business owners and said "if I had hard wood I would give it to you, your service sounds wonderful".
• ·         Minister Patterson was given an honorary PHD by big sawaki Iflaw for fixing a pothole at the entrance to the Tertiary education facility, the Minister will not be called ‘doctor’ because it is simply a ‘Pot Hole Degree” and not a doctorate… next time Patto, nex’ time…was the promise, The Prime Minister was on hand to congratulate Patto and remarked that under his regime “potholes were now being filled with real tar and not black sawdust” Minister Patterson expressed his delight at the presence of such a busy man and engaged in a lengthy conversation on the cost of black sawdust.
• ·         The GDF today had a Medal award ceremony for all Officers who were engaged in Operation LOLLYGAG the previous week, next week those engaged in this week’s Operation SKYLARK are expected to be awarded chest hardware.The Prime Minister pinned the medals on the chest of the Officers who were in awe of his pinning abilities, “it was like watching my wife pin a diaper, how a man could master such a complex art is astounding” said the GDF Chief of Staff.
• ·         Rupert leff the wuk again, more to follow as he will meet with the Prime Minister to appraise him of his reasons “the PM is the only intellect that may understand” said Rupert in his terse announcement this afternoon.
• ·         Minister of Legal Affairs Basil today handed a bitter defeat to his arch rival PPP scallywag Nandlall as they engaged in a brutal game of Tiddlywinks, Nandlall demanded a rematch be ‘booked’ but Basil said he would not trust Nandlall around any kinda book… The Prime Minister awarded Basil a fine set of Commonwealth Law Reports   Law Reports of the Commonwealth law books for his achievement of finally beating Nandlall at something…anything…
• ·         At the COI into the Plot to Assassinate the Character of the CoP, Kakahole Ramnarine said that Seelall used to fart stink and Blanhum is a suspected bugger batty and that he (Ramnarine) is not, despite his penchant for wearing make-up. The Prime Minister was too busy to attend today’s hearings.
• ·         The Minister of Greenery (See Minister Harmon’s portfolio list) today announced that Durban Park is to be transformed into a green area…”we will let the bush grow back in keeping with our green policy, in fact watch the bush grow back all over, even the girls growing bush now that Gillette and Nair got vat.” ..said the Minister, the Prime Minister lauded the move and said “everybody know I come from bush, in fact some say I still belong in the bush” …the Minister of Greenery thanked the Prime Minister for his time and explained that it was on the brilliant recommendation of the PM that the area was designated to be greened… “the PM said leh the bush grow and cover ahm…so we are going to take his sage advice” said the Minister.
• ·         Leader of the Opposition naysayers Dr Doom Jagdeo is expected to submit a new list of candidates for GECON Chair next week, The President is expected to reject it and name a new chairman for GECON , the Prime Minister is expecting to be consulted on the new appointment but may have to wait until the winter “the President tell me himself that he will consult me when hell freezes over, so I expect this will be sometime in January” said the PM .

Well …what do you guys think? By next week it will be all about how much whores Broomes ketch?...the reporters all refused to look the Editor in the eye, we all now knew this was the death of Freedom of the Press. What a DePressing thought...