Friday, 28 August 2015

Must make wife happy

Must make wife happy

In a stunning announcement today, Minister of Public Scrutiny, Rumjahrum, stated that the new policy of his government was to “make wives happy” …we at Guysnooze were rousted from our “summer slumber” and told by our editor to conduck surveys an’ ting to find out what exactly would make Guyanese wives happy, when we questioned the editor about survey methods and parameters, he said, “look go mek up ting like Bizzyram and Freddy, see how dem successfull? …Emulate” , well we did, we made calls, we facebooked, we even had a few words with our wives, we wives, never ones to miss a chance to turn that knife in we gut about our miserable existence, in turn had a few choice words for us, so we abandoned that pursuit quickly, turns out it easier to list other men’s wives requests and paths to happenis ….

Top Ten Thing that mek wives happy

10. Sweet man.

9. She fren who doan like you and whom you suspeck is a lesbian.

8. She man fren who she swear is Gay, but who look like he packin a serious loley deh...

7. Your fren who is she fren... (see Sweet man or Cochore) 

6. Yuh outside pickney  get less CXC than she own.(Mommy baby, Daddy’s maybe)

5. Husband who delivers complete paycheck for her to manage. (see #1 reason for corruption in GT)

4. Passwords to your phone AND Facebook without your knowledge.

3. Shoes, all kinda shoe, flat shoe, high heel, pumps? Strappy shoe , boots…all color…

2. Husbands who accept that the monstrosity in the bedside table is a “massager”.

1. She fine out yuh “Sweet woman” givin’ yuh blow.

*editor's note to women "stop breathing" is not an option we can publish.

It's 2 AM you must be lonely.... or understanding.


Scene: woman standing on roadside with large brick in hand

Friend: Sandra, is whu you doing with the brick and the vex face? I hope is nah me bai Ronald you waitng fuh, yuh know the man love yuh bad bad, even tho he like he lil drink up pun a friday nite…

Sandra: Girl, Reshma, is nat Ronald, well is a long story ..

Reshma: I gat time…

Sandra: well is like this, yuh know how Ronald does go drinking every Friday nite wid the bais dem and don’t  come home till foreday marning, right?... well he got he fun and I got mine, so every Friday fuh the lass dunno when, things going good, even if I mek a slip up he does be too drunk fuh notice, one time he spot a condom on the ground by the bed, well he start fuh mek a beeline, but I head he off with two thump and tell he he always drunk and look how he chrren messing up me room wid they water balloon,(reshma laughs) a nex time he come home an’ axe why I rumphle up so, why the bed rumphle up so and why the bedroom window wide open , I tell he why he doan mind he drunk self and dat I not expekin’ the queen and a haul off and thump he again…. But lass nite…lass nite girl…

Reshma:wha’ happen, I neva see you look so worried…

Sandra: well the man come home ‘bout five hours early, I did busy wid the sweet man when I hear a commotion downstairs, I seh “oh god! Break and enter” of course the jackass pun top me laugh and seh, “enter and break” well he nearly get a cuff, I fling he off and run out pun the landing, only to see Mr. Ronald tekkin’ off he shoes…well right deh I know was trouble…he neva tek off he shoes before…. I run inside and tell he brother fuh hide, and try fuh pull on a lil something and run downstairs… Ronald did coming up and I offer fuh fix something fuh he eat in the kitchen… he watch me from head to toe and then full in me face and tell me he know what he want nyam… girl, I was in a mess, Ronald and me go up to the bedroom and he start tek off he clothes , well me ent see dat man naked since ..lemmes see..how old is Robert…8 years… sometimes he does huff and puff in the dark …neways….suddenly he stop….he spot Alvin foot sticking out from under the bed…the man ent say nothing..he just watch the foot, he watch me, then he say “I musse real drunk, I seeing me own foot under me own bed” …then he lie down and go to sleep…

Reshma: suh wha’ you do girl?

Sandra: well I lie down and start fuh think…and dat got me hay…

Reshma: suh wah’ the brick fuh...

Sandra: Ramjattan, is he close up dem rumshop early…..



Monday, 10 August 2015

The Budget Song 2015

The Budget Song 2015
(Not a Blade of Grass Rhythm) 

We are a divided people
When it comes to voting
But we all united
When the pressure sharing
Well, the economy tanking
The new government talking
But not even drawsy sellin’
The people cryin’
But nobody listenin’
Is all awhee in dis boat
Even the comrade goat

Chorus
When the budget day dawning
Comrade Jardan singin’
Not one cash grant
No mo’ duty free
We ent care ‘bout sugar
We will eat we rice
While we Gaze wistfully
at the fallin gold price 

The finance minister
Say ….we have no money
“PPP tek all an’ lef nuttin’”
Jagdeo say he mus be stupid
GRA earning plenty
So Jordan got dem lookin’
He lookin’ at the hotel
He lookin’ in the bank
Under the matrass
On top the press
He even lookin’
 Under Jennifer dress
But he cayn find the money
So he sarchin barrel
Dat come from farrin’

Chorus
When the budget day dawning
Comrade Jardan singin’
Not one cash grant
No mo’ duty free
We ent care ‘bout sugar
We will eat we rice
While we Gaze wistfully
at the fallin gold price

The Comrade singin’
We ent sellin nuttin
Not a grain of rice
Not an ounce of gold
None o’ we bauxite ore
Not even a cathedral whore

Chorus
When the budget day dawning
Comrade Jardan singin’
Not one cash grant
No mo’ duty free
We ent care ‘bout sugar
We will eat we rice
While we Gaze wistfully
at the fallin gold price

But we pride is everything
That we need to have
Higher duty on old cyar
No more hiding stuff in barrel
We cutting out the bribery
To the middle man
If yuh have a plan
See the minister of business
Mek sure yuh walk
Wid a farrin passport
To show the man

Chorus
When the budget day dawning
Comrade Jardan singin’
Not one cash grant
No mo’ duty free
We ent care ‘bout sugar
We will eat we rice
While we Gaze wistfully
at the fallin gold price


To the folks who back we
With all dat flag money
Come back home comrades
Help we eat this rice flour
Help we tek dis pressure
Doan worry ‘bout no robbery
Doan worry ‘bout no violence
Jus’ come wave yuh flag
In regions one to ten

Chorus
When the budget day dawning
Comrade Jardan singin’
Not one cash grant
No mo’ duty free
We ent care ‘bout sugar
We will eat we rice
While we Gaze wistfully

at the fallin gold price

*Dave Martins Classic never gets old and continues to inspire.