Diary of a Land Grabber
Captain’s Log: Morning of what will become known as “day
zero” , woke up to social media pictures of persons cutting grass, measuring plots
and staking claims aback of someway, had a good laugh, this will never catch on…
Afternoon Day Zero: The rush to grab land is on, reports
keep landing on my desk, Enmore, Diamond, Crane, Herstelling, Histelling, the
shout is on! It is time! To #moveforward . Begin making plans, visit hardware
store, buy cutlass, cans of spray paint, and a new water filter (“somebody” bruck
GWI main while helping the new jefe clean up)
Dawn Day One: Woke up raring to go grab some land, turned on
the tv Home Alone showing on NCN, how fitting, this does feel like Christmas.
Mid-Morning day one: hmm, woke up on couch, darn the evil
NCN and dis lil banna who parents keep lorseing he…
Afternoon day one: resolved to go grab land after lunch.
Evening day one: woke up on couch, not sure what day it is,
darn that cook-up and fry fish, mankind is not built to resist the ensuing
ethnic fatigue…. Resolve to go grab land tomorrow.
Captain’s Log: Day Two
Woke at dawn, did not turn on TV, fool me one NCN, checked Facebook
, cripes , did you see the sizr of that snake? …..Whoa, oh no, nah, nah, nah,
nobady ent throwing shade at me? Shademiester ent tekkin lef… wha’ bout duh
time when yuh was homeless and pickin’ fare fuh fry rice? Ha, dat will keep she
quiet for today… now for a quick nap.
Afternoon day two: after visiting three land grab locations
have managed to cut a sizeable lot in success, standing admiring my work when I
get an offer of $200, 000 cash, no questions no receipt needed! SOLD!, now at
Debs beating likker, easiest money I eva mek!
Day Three: Hangova…phone on silent, wife on silent cause I
sell she lot, she lot? Is me hand gat carn….and cant find the ress of the 200G
but a friken fuh ask she… decided to do like Impressions and tek the lorse.
Day 4: have been joined by many new friends from Debs,
including a former minister, we have decided to claim by the acre, easier, less
wood and more re-sale value, from the way the minister wukkin’ yuh could tell
he barn fuh cut cane.
Afternoon day four: Police arrive in Jeeps and call for us
to cease and desist! They ask us to come
closer to hear what they have to say, I drap me cutlass right away, I know how
much police report gat, “I shoot he caz he was approaching me with a cutlesh in
han’” , so we go, some long tra-la-la ‘bout wait and we gon get lan’ , I steups
lil to loud and the orficer ups me , he ask me name, I say Kwesi sor, , well Kwesi,
he say, you going to have to wait longer, wid dat , he tell we get out the
place, but nobady ent move…. He say he coming back tomorrow…. Well imagine me
surprise when I go back an’ cayn find me cutlesh, the thiefin’ in dis lawless
place skunt, an’ ah know is one of dese bitches right hay… Greenshort gon deal wid they skunt! ....anyways, ah get
anadder good offer and I sell the new lan’ pun the spot!
Day five: wake up sore all over, likker flow like wata at Dens
deh,ass feel lil sore, musse the bennin ova... ah remember a waitress or was it waiter , look lil funny to me did eyein’
me up, again can’t find the money ah sell of the new land fuh…mih fingers all
gat carn, ah tekking the day off….
Afternoon day five: Wife sporting new hair-do and asking if I ent going and grab some lan'...stueeps....
