Guysnooze
Guide to 911
The GPF has
announced that the 911 ‘system’ is ‘finally’ up and running, now, this ‘news’
has us in shock, we have been calling 911 for years, of course we been on the
line for years too, because no-one ever answered or if they did, you got the ‘hole-an’
until you died, got burgled or otherwise endured the suffering you were hoping
to alleviate by making the call in the first place…now, we are being told, that
GTT and DIGICEL, entities know for ‘great’ service had ‘revamped’ the service
and ‘trained’ new police operators, even as he made the announcement, the
Acting CoP, true to his ‘backstabbing’ ways, expressed ‘concern’ about the ‘attitude’
of the newly trained operators. While the Acting CoP’s Kakahole-ish ways are
seemingly intrinsic to his character, we at Guysnooze are outraged at his
attack on the untested 911 operators, we have always held that the problem is
not the Operators or the ‘system’...but is a cultural one, it is not what you
report ,but the language that you use to report your ‘emergency’ that will get it placed on the priority scale,
to assist you, dear Reader, we have provided a few examples to ensure ‘fast’
response.
Situation
1
Citizen feel
pains in Chest, Citizen calls 911
911: 911,
what is your emergency?
Citizen: I
having chest pains
911: you
know is only 2 pm right? This number is for emergencies only!
Citizen: I
think I am having a heart attack!
911: look
sor, first of all, it is daytime, sun bright, nobody doan dead from heart
attack in daytime,ketch a bus and go to Public, if it was nighttime we would
have sent an Ambulance so unless you call back tonight, nothing we can do for
you sor.
Citizen: I
am dying from heart attack and you telling me to wait until night for an
Ambulance?
911: are you
a Doctor sor?
Citizen: No…but...
911: So how
you know is heart attack you having? …sor, what you had for lunch? Eggball or
something? Is probably gas you got, just
buss a fart and stop bothering the 911 operators who have real emergencies to
deal wid… goodbye sor. CLICK.
To avoid the
preceding scenario, Guysnooze recommends you do the following:
Citizen:
911, I have two emergencies operator
911: what
are your emergencies sor?
Citizen: I
am a millionaire without anyone to leave my money to when I die ….and I think I
am having a heart attack!
911: Sor,
keep calm, where do you live?
Citizen: I
lives in Bel Air …but I am visiting a friend in Sophia, can you send an
Ambulance?
911: Right
away Sugar, you hold on for Momma, I coming wid the Ambulance to ensure you
gets the best care government money can buy, stay on the line sweetie, the
Ambulance driver is a Notary we can sort out a will on the way to Public!
For those experiencing the pains of
Child birth, please be reminded that this is not considered an Emergency service
and any claims of ‘unbearable pain and suffering’ will be met with thrown shade
to the tune of ‘yuh din sufferin’ when
you two foot was open’ …spare yourself the stress, ketch bus, much faster than
the ambulances anyways…
In case of Fire,
first of all remain calm, shouting ‘fire fire’ will not help… calmly inform the
911 operator of the situation and try to give useable directions. Do not do the
following:
Citizen: Fire! Fire! Send the fire reel quick
quick!!
911: Sor,
can you give me the address and directions please
Citizen: in Sophia,
is a big Big fire yuh cyan miss it the whole place bunnin down
911: yes
sor, I understand it’s a fire , but where sor where?
Citizen: I jus’
tell yuh, in Sophia
911: yes! We
know it’s a fire, but where is the fire?
Citizen: the
fire in Sophia lady, how much time I got to tell you? The neighbor house bunnin’
now, me own done flat, I gon let he call and try wid dis stupidness…
*when did So-fee-ah
become Suh-fie-yuh?
As stated earlier, there are no ‘real’
emergencies during daylight hours but there are also classes of incidents which
should never be reported, Rape for example carries a conviction rate of less
than 1%, , only those with sadistic need for punishment need to call the GPF
and be interrogated by questions such as “ what yuh was wearing?” , “yuh sure
is rape?” , “but he is yuh family, how yuh gon do dee man duh?”…. females are
advised to plot suitable revenge, suggested methods include: Piezun, acid,
boiling oil and ice-pick to the heart…
The
following are also not emergencies: Vehicular Accident with no deaths, fight at
Rum shop, hairdresser put the weave in too tight, blackout, Gay domestic
violence…well… it is still a felony to be Gay so some level of
self-incrimination would be involved…
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Now for the ‘real’
emergencies, thief man… first some tips, never say you ‘think’ a thief man in
the yard… ‘think’ don’t get the popo moving, you got to ‘see’ and at least
three, never one…never! , It helps to say they have guns,,but be careful to say
is ‘small’ guns, do not EVER say is “nuff man wid machine gun” … the Police may
never come, nuff machine gun causes shittings diarrhea in the GPF and vehicles to ‘break
down’ .
Sample Call 1
Citizen:
(hushed tones) Help, thief in the yard
911:
goodnight, what is your name?
Citizen:
Ramlall Persad, of 101Prashad Nagar
911: ok,
sor, you got anything that the men would want to thief? In your house?
Citizen: I
got nuff thing, come quick, we could ketch dem!
911: sor,
are the man armed?
Citizen:
yes, all of dem got two hand…
911: I mean
do they have guns?
Citizen:
meeno, you want me to ask dem? I could send me wife, we not seeing eye to eye
recently…
911: sor,
the patrol is on the way, stay inside the house and keep quiet, and remember
the ‘boys’ dem working all night and yuh could bless them when they reach…
Citizen: Bless
dem? ….I is not a pandit..
911: sor, you is a town man, doan play stupidee…
Sample Call
2
Citizen:
thief in mih yard, send the squad quick
911: goodnight
sor, can I have your address
Citizen: 102
west rhymeveld
911: you
sure is not yuh neighbours in the yard?
Citizen: is
thief man, nuff of dem wid gun and cutlass
911: can I
have your name sor?
Citizen:
John Jones, I am a mason
911: are you
calling to confess to a crime sor?
Citizen:
what? Look, is a set of thiefman in me yard…
911: is wha’
you do dem John?
Citizen: is
cause I black yuh treating me suh, when Ramlall call yall does send police quick
quick! …before we could even break…ah mean before the thieves could even break
in the backdoor, so I hear…
911: sor, this has nothing to do with race, is the fact you
is a Mason,do you know that 90% of the inmates of Lot 12 are masons? The police
coming to collect you for questioning…. John? John? …..CLICK
Sample Call
3
Citizen: I
would like to report a robbery
911: who has
been robbed sor?
Citizen;
well, the robbery ent happen yet, but I know when it will, I know about the
plan!
911:
excellent sor, can you tell us where and when so we can set a trap for these
criminals sor?
Citizens:
The robbery will occur in Guyana precisely on Election Day 2020 madam!
911: Dr Jagdeo,
please stop calling, you ent got spelling class to attend?
Citizen: I
demand action! Forward this call to Jimmy Carter or the United nations,
somebody..anybody
911: keep
calm sor, I sending the ambulance, we will be taking you for a lil driving to a
PPP stronghold…in Berbice…
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Sample Call 4
Caller: heya! I would like to report someone passed close to my fence and threw a banana peel over the fence! like what the hell man!
911: your name ma'ma?
Caller: I am Mrs. Sam Wachowski of Exxo...
911: The Police, GDF and People's Militia are on the way ma'ma, Ministers Trotman, Patterson & Hughes have been alerted to your plight and are on the way,President Minister of the Presidency Harmon has cut short his annual vacation to Tahiti and is on his way back, he asks that you stay inside until our forces secure the premises... dem lazy police ent reach yet ma'ma? it has been two minutes already, I apoligize for the delays...
Caller: heya! I would like to report someone passed close to my fence and threw a banana peel over the fence! like what the hell man!
911: your name ma'ma?
Caller: I am Mrs. Sam Wachowski of Exxo...
911: The Police, GDF and People's Militia are on the way ma'ma, Ministers Trotman, Patterson & Hughes have been alerted to your plight and are on the way,
