Arrested Development
It was an unusually quiet morning in the Guysnooze newsroom,
the reporters were taking a well earned break from being ‘intrepid’, a
convivial atmosphere prevailed assisted with liberal heaps of pine-tarts which
were delivered by Fed-Ex from Jerries
of GT (based in Florida) because everyone knows that you can’t get a good
pine-tart in the real GT anymore… all this peacefulness was suddenly
interrupted by the fat reporter who casually asked ‘is whe the editor deh, he
vacation over, he supposed to be here today and is he who order these
pine-tarts” …. The female reporter, relieved of her side job as sangwich girl
due to the arrival of aforementioned pine-tarts grew instantly worried ‘not
like that old skunt to miss pine-tarts, I going to make a call”… fifteen
minutes later she came back into the newsroom and announced “ the editor was arrested
on Friday and spent the weekend in police custody and none of my police man
dem contacts want to talk about it, got to be serious, I already called the
legal team” …”yuh coulda wait till dese pine-tarts done before yuh mek the call
yuh know, wha’ yall think he get lock up for?”… Chuckled the Skinny reporter “well
if was you it would be for ending a sentence with a preposition”… growled the
Fat reporter with a look that forbade any further speculation.
One Hour and many pine-tarts later
The Editor walks into the newsroom, now a man well known for
his anger is seldom seen as angry, but the reporters could see palpable waves
of animus radiating from the editor’s person as he stalked his way towards the
boardroom… “Meeting’ was all he said and the rush was on to find seats, offer pine-tarts
and generally kiss arse before the storm was unleashed.
Ed: well as you all know, I got arrested and spent the
weekend in the lock-ups, now I am a peaceful sort, who would never harm a fly,
so imagine my surprise when I was accosted by policemen and accused of being a
part of a plot to assassinate the President, me! Treason! Murder! …look at the
transcript of the interrogation and tell me how the rass we will get out of the
third world, oil or no oil…
Transcript of Interrogation
Sergeant: Good Morning, you are accused of being part of the
assassination plot against the President, tell us who else in it with you and
we will make things easier for you…
Suspect: Me? VAT on Education is a bigger danger to the President than me...Plot? …Ow Bagwan!... Me? How yall come to this
conclusion?
Sarge: we caught you passing messages via the Facebook, on
Thursday 20th April you posted..and I quote “may the blood of Jesus
protect our President as he travels to meet the Queen of England”
Suspect: ????? and… that’s a crime?
Sarge: The plotters are planning to kill the President on
one of his outreaches, you were telling persons about an outreach, we not stupid you know!!!
Suspect: many would beg to differ on your last statement but I learned of this trip from the papers…
Sarge: aha! Papers, so you admit
to plotting! Where are these papers? And how did you obtain them? Talk! Before I
dig two lash in you!
Suspect: the papers deh home by
me, most likely in the toilet…
Sarge: Constable!!! Take a swat
team and go retrieve those papers, the suspect was trying to flush the
evidence!
Suspect: sarge, I buy them papers
like everybody else… how come is only me getting charge?
Sarge: Corruption! Who you buy them
from, who selling the life of our president for a few dollars?
Suspect: I buy them from the lady
at the corner, she does be there every day selling papers…I still don’t see…
Sarge: Shut Up! ….Constable, if
you see a woman lurking with papers, arrest her, arrest her!!!
Suspect: so is all the people
selling papers you gon lock up? Dis place gon full…
Sarge: you brazen son of a bitch!
… Yes! I will lock all of the conspirators up!
Suspect: I think we call them
newspaper vendors, is waterfalls newspapers I get my information from…
Sarge: Inspector!!! I have broken
the suspect; the conspirators are posing as newspaper vendors! This thing is
bigger than we thought!
Suspect: Could I request old
fashioned torture, I would prefer to be beaten senseless than listen to your
struggle with logic, send for Constable Brown the one they call Boy Blue…. I
done talk till then…
Interview ends.
Ed: ya’ll see what people have to
go through on a daily basis with the Great Pack of Fools? When I left there
they were looking for the mentally disturbed person who mek this whole nancy
story up to begin with… I all for raising police pay and employing people who
less dunce than these.
Skinny Reporter: chief… you had
any ‘experiences’ in the lockups?
Ed: you see me walking funny like
you?
*reporter’s note: The Editor was walking lil funny in truth, but who would
dare say a word?
